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    By Jove, I Think He’s Figured It Out

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    Me: “Hey there, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like to know the 9 types of lemonade you have.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we only have ONE kind of lemonade and we’re out of it.”

    Customer: “Okay, but what are your 9 different types?”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t think you understand. We only have one kind of lemonade and we’re currently out of it.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    (The customer walks away, only to come back five minutes later.)

    Customer: “If I ask you the same question from earlier, you’re still going to give me the same answer, aren’t you?”

    Me: “Yes…”

    Too Bad It Doesn’t Run On Stupidity

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Top

    (This was before hybrid cars or electric cars were mainstream. A man called about his Lexus that just stopped working after a few days, so we had it towed back to the dealership.)

    Customer: “I don’t know what happened; the car just stopped while I was driving, and almost caused an accident because of you people!”

    Me: “OK, let’s take a look.”

    (I couldn’t find any obvious issue, and all the free mechanics were giving the car a full once-over, trying to figure out the problem.)

    Customer: “I spent tens of thousands on this car! How the he** can you sell anything that would crap out in 2 days?!”

    (Just then I noticed the gas gauge was on ‘Empty’. I put a little gas in the engine and started it up.)

    Customer: “What?! For that amount of money, with the technologies these days, you still need to use gas?!”

    Hell Hath No Fury Like A Customer Scorned

    | Oregon, USA | Top

    Me: *on the phone* “Thanks for calling **** Networks, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “I already called once today – I want you to stop sending me emails!”

    Me: “You’re getting emails from us? What do they say?”

    Caller: “It’s a bunch of delivery failure messages. I’ve gotten two thousand of them today, and I want you to fix it NOW!”

    (I start explaining how spammers forge emails, causing these kinds of delivery failure messages, and I begin to offer a workaround.)

    Caller: “NO! Stop bulls****ing me, just fix it NOW!”

    Me: “I’m trying to tell you that it’s not a matter of ‘fixing’ anyth–”

    Caller: “HEY! Can I just say something? I know a lot of stuff, and I know you can fix this, so JUST DO IT!”

    Me: “Well, it’s…”

    Caller: “JUST FIX IT! How long have you been Mr. Dumas?”

    Me: “Uh… what?”

    Caller: “Mr. Dumas! How long have you been Mr. Dumas?!”

    Me: “Is that a pun?”

    Caller: “Yes, and you’re a f***ing idiot! If you had half a brain, you’d be smart! So are you going to fix it or not?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    Caller: “Well, seeing as how you never asked for my name, I think you’re just trying to blow me off!”

    Me: “As I said, it’s not a matter of ‘fixing’ anything…”

    Caller: “Do you know who I am?!”

    Me: “No, you never told me your name.”

    Caller: “That’s right! And I’m not going to! I’m going to keep calling and wasting your time like you’ve wasted mine! I bet you could have handled 5 customers in the time we’ve been on the phone!”

    Me: “Yes, you’re probably right.”

    Caller: “Well, I’m just going to keep calling!”

    Me: “Who will that benefit?”

    Caller: “ME!”

    Me: “How?”

    Caller: “VENGEANCE!”

    Camping By Any Other Name

    | Lexington Park, MD, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “Thank you for calling the *** Lexington Park, this is ***, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I’d like to make a reservation for tonight, leaving tomorrow.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re sold out for tonight.”

    Caller: “Sold out? You mean you don’t have anything?”

    Me: “No, I apologize. We are completely sold out.”

    Caller: “You can’t be! I need a room. I mean, I’ll take anything! Do you have any suites left?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. No more rooms left. That’s what ‘sold out’ means. Everyone has checked into their rooms already.”

    Caller: “I don’t believe you! Hotels always have some kind of room set aside for people when they’re sold out.”

    Me: “Well… I could fix a roll away bed up on the roof for you if you like. It’s gonna rain a little later, so I hope you don’t mind getting wet.”

    Caller: “Really? That would be great! Thank you so much! How much does it cost?”

    Me: “Have a good day, ma’am…”

    For The Love Of God, Gestate

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    Customer: “Hi, can I speak with [another employee] in the keyboards department?”

    Me: “I’m afraid [another employee] is on maternity leave. Is there anything I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Well, when is she coming back?”

    Me: “Realistically, in about a year.”

    Customer: “Well, can she hurry it up!?”

    Me: “She’s… having a baby.”

    Customer: “I know that! Just tell her to hurry it up!” *hangs up*

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