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    This Call Has Been Terminated

    | Wisconsin, USA | Crazy Requests, Technology, Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. How may I assist you?”

    Caller: “Well, first of all, you can get a real life person on the line.”

    Me: “I’m sorry? Sir, I can assure you, I am an actual person.”

    Caller: “No, no, no! Don’t play that crap with me. I know how advanced you machines are getting these days. You–”

    Me: “Sir, I promise you, I am not a machine.”

    Caller: “See! You couldn’t even tell the right place to start talking! That, and that pause before you responded is all I needed to hear to know for sure. Yeah, that’s right! I know how to read you things. What do you have to say to that, you worthless box of microchips?”

    Me: *long pause* “Beep?”

    Love Thy Culturally Homogenous Neighbor

    | Orlando, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Religion, Uncategorized

    Me: “I hope you’ve found everything to your liking!”

    Customer: “Oh, thank you, I have! It’s so nice to meet a polite Christian girl nowadays! You know, it’s always best to love thy neighbor.”

    Me: “Oh, actually, I’m not Christian. But yes, I agree.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, as long as you love Jesus our savior!”

    Me: “Actually, I’m Muslim and Jewish.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Well, my mother is Jewish and my father is Muslim.”

    Customer: “Oh. When I said ‘love thy neighbor,’ I didn’t mean you!”

    South Of The Border Of Intelligence

    | Illinois, USA | Language & Words, Uncategorized

    (I’ve just answered a customer’s question in Spanish. Another customer has apparently heard it.)

    Customer: “Wow, you don’t even look Mexican!

    Me: “Well, that’s because I’m not.”

    Customer: “But you just talked to that woman in Spanish!”

    Me: “My father is Puerto Rican, so I’m pretty fluent.”

    Customer: “You’re not Mexican?”

    Me: “No. I’m American. Shall we go ahead with your transaction?”

    Customer: “Wow. Your English is excellent. No trace of a Mexican accent.”

    Me: *jokingly* “Well, it’s pretty hard to have a Mexican accent if you’ve never been to Mexico.”

    Customer: *winking* “Right.” *looks around* “Don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me.”

    Build Up Of Hot Air

    | Wellington, New Zealand | Math & Science, Uncategorized

    (Our store is mostly outdoors, but it has a small greenhouse where cafe customers often sit and have coffee.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, I would like to sit in the greenhouse. Could you open a vent for me?”

    Me: “Actually, when it’s windy like today it rattles a lot when the doors are open, so you might be more comfortable with them closed.”

    Customer: “But we can’t sit in there without ventilation. What about the greenhouse gas?!”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “Greenhouse gas! Like global warming! You can’t let people sit in there if you’re letting the greenhouse gas build up!”

    One Mother, One Cup

    | Springfield, MO, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Money, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Hi I need to return this.” *hands over an opened and clearly worn jock cup*

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, this is a completely non-returnable item.”

    Customer: “I called and you said your return policy is 30 days with receipt.”

    Me: “That’s except for jocks and mouth-guards. Cashiers tell you at the time of purchase that they’re completely non-returnable.”

    Customer: “Well, I didn’t understand. So, there’s nothing you can do for me?”

    Me: “I’m sorry. It’s store policy based on our health-code.”

    Customer: “Well, how was I supposed to know that my little boy would have such a big wee-wee?” *grabs her very embarrassed-looking son and leaves*

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