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    A Tale Of Time Traveling Tune-Ups

    | Norway | Top

    Customer: “Hi, I need to schedule an appointment to test my car. I need it as soon as possible!”

    Me: “Okay, let’s see. First available appointment is actually today. Would you like me to put you up for that?”

    Customer: “Hmm…I don’t know. I really do need it as soon as possible. Can you check to see if you have anything earlier?”

    Me: “Well, first available is today.”

    Customer: “I really need it before that.”

    Me: “Earlier than today?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Yeah, I don’t see how I could make that happen. Can you maybe tell me which day you would like?”

    Customer: “Yesterday?”

    Me: “Yesterday?”

    Customer: “Yes, that would be great!”

    Me: “Sorry, nothing available yesterday. How about tomorrow?”

    Customer: “Okay, I guess that’ll do…”

    Not Too Hot To Pot

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    (I work at a paint-your-own-pottery studio where we fire the ceramics in our own kilns.)

    Customer: “How long does it take to get the pottery back?”

    Me: “It takes one week, sir.”

    Customer: “Well I need my pottery in two days. Can I just take it home and cook it in my oven?”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that won’t work. The pottery needs to be fired in a kiln.”

    Customer: “But my oven gets really hot.”

    Me: “I’m sure it does sir, but it still won’t work.”

    Customer: “But you don’t know hot my oven gets. It gets really, really, hot!”

    Me: “Well, sir, we fire our pottery at 1800 degrees Fahrenheit.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

    Tall Is The New Small

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    Me: “Hello, ladies. What can I start you off to drink?”

    Customer: “I’ll have a draft beer.”

    Me: “Certainly. Would you like the 12 ounce or the 18 ounce?”

    Customer: “Oh, bring me the tall.”

    (I return with her large beer in a scooner that looks like a mini fishbowl.)

    Customer: “Good Lord, this is your 12 ounce?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. That’s the 18 ounce. I’m sorry, I must have misheard you. I thought you said the tall beer. Let me go fix that.”

    Customer: “I did say tall. Tall is small, you know.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We’re not [coffee chain]. In beer language, tall means large.

    Customer: “Well, you’re just behind on the times. Everybody knows tall is small!”

    A Squeaky Clean Record

    | Cedar Rapids, IA, USA | Top

    (The junior college near my grocery store has some guy who makes very good fake IDs. After a couple of months, we’ve become adept at spotting them. One night, a young customer tries to pass one on me.)

    Me: “Wow, this is a really good fake.”

    (The customer’s eyes go wide and she squeaks in terror.)

    Me: “How old are you, really?”

    Customer: *squeaks again*

    Me: “Sorry, say again?”

    Customer: “Seventeen?”

    Me: “Wow, that’s crazy. But this is a really good fake. How much did you pay for this?”

    Customer: *squeaks*

    Me: “Sorry, what?”

    Customer: “Two fifty?”

    Me: “You paid two hundred and fifty dollars for this?”

    Customer: *squeaks*

    Me: “Well, I feel kinda bad that you’re losing all that money, so I’m not gonna call the police. However, I have to confiscate your ID, okay?”

    Customer: *squeaks*

    Me: “You have a nice night now.”

    Customer: *squeaks one last time and runs from the store*

    Attack Of The Cownivores

    , | Hawarden, IA, USA | Top

    (Most corn that is grown in Iowa is for livestock. We sell sweet corn at our stand that sits in front of our feed corn field by the road.)

    Customer: “I want some of that corn.” *gestures toward feed corn field*

    Me: “Oh, that’s not sweet corn. That’s feed corn.”

    Customer: “What?! All corn is sweet corn.”

    Me: “No, there is sweet corn grown especially for humans and feed corn grown for cattle.”

    Customer: “Bulls***! I know you stupid hicks are trying to cheat me! Cows are meat-eaters!”

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