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    Sucks In The City

    | Henniker, NH, USA |

    (This is late at night at the video rental store, and I’m a teenage girl working by myself. A man walks in and stands there grinning.)

    Me: “Um, hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Sucks to be you!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: *pulls his arm in front of his face like Dracula* “I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!”

    Me: “Uh…are you looking for Dracula videos…?”

    (At this point, we hear a car pull up.)

    Customer: “AHH! WITNESSES! DRACULA, AWAY!” *runs out*

    The Joy Of (Repeat) Checks

    | Monticello, MN, USA |

    Me: “Sir, your computer is all ready to go. We got all the viruses off of it.”

    Customer: “Question: do you get viruses from looking at porno sites?”

    Me: “Yes sir, the majority of those sites contain viruses.”

    Customer: “….hmm…well then, I’ll probably be back here soon.”

    No Dimes Like The Present

    | Southfield, MI, USA |

    (It’s my first day, and the place I’m working at has me doing registers. A lady comes up with a full cart with approximately $400 worth of merchandise. I run her credit card through, and it gets denied.)

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, your card isn’t being accepted by our system.”

    Customer: “But it should be working! It doesn’t expire until 2010!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, it seems your card might be maxed out. The expiration date won’t really help there.”

    Customer: “…but it’s good until 2010!”

    Co-worker: “Ma’am, there’s nothing he can do. Either find another way to pay for your purchase or leave the merchandise here.”

    Customer: “All right, I’ll write a check, but I’m going to call [credit card company] and complain. They gave me a bad credit card! It’s not supposed to expire until 2010!”

    (Surprisingly, the check went through.)

    The Spite At The End Of The Tunnel

    | Virginia, USA | Top

    (I’ve had a migraine all day on the job at the grocery store. I am making a valiant effort to fake it just a little longer, when…)

    Customer: “You look too happy.”

    Me: “Well, I’m–”

    Customer: “I can fix that.”

    (The customer proceeds to pull out something from her purse and shine a very bright light in my eyes. I take several steps back in pain.)

    Customer: “There! I told you we could fix that!”

    Always Right, Even When Devouring Your Mortal Soul

    | Lynnwood, WA, USA |

    (A teenage customer comes up to my checkout with a bag of chips.)

    Customer: “This job must suck, am I right?”

    Me: “It’s ok. It’s not horrible. I get paid to tell people how much to pay and sit around most the time. It’s pretty slow this time of day.”

    Customer: “You should get out of here and go to college! Get an education!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m already in college. This job and one other is paying for me to go to college, as well as my rent.”

    Customer: “Hey! The customer is always right! You can’t correct me! And if I didn’t eat junk food, then I would eat your soul! How much for this?”

    Me: “$1.08, sir.”

    Customer: *pays and leaves*

    Coworker, to me: “Did he just say he was going to eat your soul?”

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