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    Sadly, This Amounts To A Sex Life

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Top

    (A customer and her two teenagers come up to my register at the theater.)

    Me: “Welcome to [movie theater], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Why is 28 Days Later rated R?”

    Me: “Violence, bad language, intense scenes, and nudity.”

    Customer: “What kind of nudity?”

    Me: “Uh, I don’t know. Let me ask.”

    (I turn off the mic and turn to my manager.)

    Me: “What kind of nudity is in 28 Days Later?”

    Manager: “Male.”

    (I turn the mic back on and speak to the customer.)

    Me, to customer: “It’s male nudity.”

    Customer: “Oh, we’re seeing this!”

    Customer’s teenagers: “Mom!”

    The CSR Of Delphi

    | Indiana, USA |

    Me: “Good evening, thank you for calling [bookstore]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “My husband is going in for a CAT scan, and he’s kind of claustrophobic. I was wondering what kind of equipment they use?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I really don’t have that kind of information. Maybe if you called your doctor?”

    Caller: “It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday night! My doctor’s office is closed, duh! That’s why I’m asking you!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we really don’t have that information.”

    Caller: “Well, you have books, don’t you? Why don’t you just go and look it up in a book?”

    Me: “Ma’am, we do have a small selection of home reference medical books, but I can’t look it up for you.”

    Caller: “Well, you have an intercom, don’t you? Why don’t you just page a doctor and ask him to come to the phone and talk to me?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We really aren’t allowed to do that sort of thing.”

    Caller: “Well, can you at least connect me with the information desk, or is that too much to ask?!”

    Me: “This is the information desk.”

    Caller: “Well, a fat lot of good you are!” *click*

    There’s No Substitute For Brains, Either

    | Miami, FL, USA |

    Customer: “Do you have a pill I can take instead of drinking water?”

    Me: “Um, what do you mean?”

    Customer: “When I’m at work and I drink water, I have to pee so much! I know there’s got to be a pill I can take instead.”

    Me: “There’s really no substitute for drinking water.”

    Customer: “No! I know there has to be some kind of pill you can take instead of drinking.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but there’s not.”

    Customer: “There has to be something. Never mind, I’ll try to find it myself!” *wanders over to the vitamin aisles in search of water pills*

    One Good Turn Perturbs Another

    | Naperville, IL, USA | Top

    (A customer comes into our restaurant and angrily slams his pizza box on the front counter.)

    Me: “Hello, sir…how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I ordered half pepperoni and half sausage!”

    Me: *opens the box* “It looks fine to me, sir. What’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “I wanted my pepperoni on the LEFT side!”

    A Runaway Train Of Thought

    | Eugene, OR, USA |

    (A caller phones into our car rental company looking for a vehicle, but we’re sold out in every nearby location.)

    Caller: “Why aren’t there any cars for me? Everyone I ask tells me they’re out of cars!”

    Me: “We’ve been having a hard time keeping a hold on any cars with this tourist season.”

    Caller: “Terrorism?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, the tourist season. It’s been a really big push into your area lately, so Florida’s swamped.”

    Caller: “Everyone’s been blaming the terrorists today. Why are we all letting the terrorists win?” *begins sobbing*

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s tourists, not terrorists.”

    Caller: “I’m an American! In America! Why are we letting them ruin my life? We can’t let these terrorists win!” *continues sobbing for a moment and then hangs up*

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