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    Outlaws In Utero

    | San Francisco, CA, USA |

    Caller: “I want to complain. I was driving in the carpool lane and I got a ticket, but I’m pregnant with twins, so they count as two passengers!”

    Me: “Um…I don’t think the policeman would have any way of knowing that…”

    Caller: “But I showed him a picture from my ultrasound!”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I’m pretty sure passengers have to be outside of your body.”

    Caller: “Oh!”

    Neither A Fortune Teller Nor A Lender Be

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    (A card holder called and asked for his balance, payment and other credit card information.)

    Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Caller: “One more thing. Who’s going to bill me next month?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Caller: “Who’s going to charge my account next month?”

    Me: “I’m sorry…we don’t have the ability to see the future…”

    Caller: “Why not? You’re my credit card company. You should know where I’m going to spend my money.”

    Me: “Um…well, once you figure out where you’re going to go, call us afterwards. We can tell you where you’ve been.”

    Caller: “See? I told you, you guys know everything!” *click*

    I Cry, You Cry, We All Cry For Ice Cream

    | Greensboro, NC, USA |

    Coworker: “Hi, welcome to [ice cream store]. Can I take your order?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like coffee ice cream with Heath bar mixed in.”

    (My coworker mixes the ice cream and then hands it to the customer, a 40-year old woman. She beings to CRY in front of everyone.)

    Coworker: “Ma’am, is something wrong?”

    Customer: *sobbing* “My Heath bar isn’t crunched up enough!”

    Coworker: “I’m so sorry about that, ma’am. I can make you another one.”

    (The coworker makes another one and pounds the Heath bar into extra fine pieces. He then hands it to the customer.)

    Coworker: “Is this mixed up enough, ma’am?”

    Customer: *wailing* “I can’t tell now because it’s mixed into the ice cream!”

    (The customer pays, storms off, and leaves the store sobbing with ice cream in hand.)

    Mommy Sincerest

    | Annapolis, MD, USA |

    (I’m in a dressing room when I overhear a mother a few rooms down having this conversation with her two children she had brought in with her. She’s adding up aloud how much her items will cost.)

    Mom: $57…$64…”

    Child #1: “Uh-oh, mommy! Daddy said your limit was 50 dollars! That is more than 50 dollars!”

    Child #2: “Yeah, daddy said you can’t spend any more than $50!”

    Mom: “Well, you know what?! Since daddy gets to go to work everyday and I’m stuck with you two, I can spend however much I want! So you can tell daddy that he can kiss mommy’s fat a**! How about that?!”

    Child #2: *giggles* “I can’t wait to tell daddy that! You’re so funny, mommy!”

    A Double Edged Flat Screen

    | Texas, USA | Top

    Customer: “You have to help me, I don‚Äôt know what to do!”

    Me: “Calm down, ma‚Äôam. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My husband and I bought a big screen TV last week from this store.”

    Me: “What‚Äôs the problem with it?”

    Customer: “I want it out of my house! Is there anything you can do?”

    Me: “Is it not functioning properly?”

    Customer: “No. It works perfectly, that‚Äôs the problem. Every night, our house turns into a sports bar, all his friends come over to watch TV until 3 am and I can‚Äôt get any sleep! They eat all the food I cook, they broke my grandmother‚Äôs crystal vase and they spilled beer all over the rugs! I want my house back!”

    Me: “Well, you know ma‚Äôam, you could always turn the tables.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “You have girlfriends, right?”

    (The woman’s face displays a grin of diabolical proportions.)

    Customer: “You have DVDs here, right?”

    Me: “Just over there…”

    Customer: “Thank you very much for your help!”

    (I took my break just after that and saw the woman carrying in her arms at least a dozen DVDs. Among them: the Sex and the City movie, Terms of Endearment, Sweet November, Steel Magnolias, Legally Blonde, Divine Secrets of the Yaya Sisterhood and even Gone with the Wind. Her husbands’ beer buddies never stood a chance.)

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