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    But Mommy Says I’m Mature

    | Branson, MO, USA |

    (A girl comes to my counter with a bottle of wine. She’s clearly underage–about 13 or 14.)

    Me: “You can’t buy that, you’re too young.”

    Customer: “What?! No! I’m twenty two!”

    Me: “I’ll need to see your ID, please.”

    Customer: “I left it in my car. ”

    Me: “Then you can’t buy this.”

    Customer: “Fine, then! I’ll go get my mom and she’ll tell you!”

    Me: “Alright, you do that.”

    Customer: “MOM!” *runs off*

    (She never came back.)

    Changing The World, Two Letters At A Time

    | Calgary, AB, Canada |

    (I’m a customer at a restaurant and overhear this conversation between another customer and the waitress.)

    Customer, to waitress: “Can you tell me how long it is from here to Bah-nah-f-f?

    Waitress: “I think you mean Banff, sir.”

    Customer: “No, Bah-nah-f-f.”

    Waitress: “There is no city or town by that name in Alberta.”

    (The customer pulls out a map and points to Banff.)

    Customer: “Yeah there is, right here. BAH-NAH-F-F!”

    Waitress: “That’s pronounced Banff, sir.”

    Customer: “Nope, it’s pronounced BAH-NA-F-F!”

    Waitress: “Sir, I’ve lived in Alberta my entire life, and can assure you it’s pronounced Banff.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s just stupid! When I get there, I’m changing the pronunciation.

    Waitress: “You’re gonna go to Banff and just change the pronunciation of the name?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Why Husbands Need Training Wheels

    | Albuquerque, NM, USA |

    Me: “Sir, it says we have you in a room with two queen size beds. Is that correct?”

    Wife: “That’s right. At home, we have a Tempur-Pedic bed, so when we stay places, we need two beds.”

    Husband: “Yeah, I flail–”

    Wife: “–he bounces in his sleep–”

    Husband: “–and not in the good way.”

    Wife: “Yeah, it starts out as the good kind of bouncing, and then it doesn’t stop–”

    Husband: “Yes, honey, that’s TMI. TMI!”

    Lord Of The Rain Dance

    | United Kingdom |

    Me: “Good afternoon, [theatre], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I want to know what’s happening tonight with the show, since it’s going to rain. I have tickets and I want a refund.”

    Me: “Well, the company doesn’t cancel a show until the scheduled start time, so you do have to turn up at the venue to see what we’re doing. We will go ahead in light rain, and we can’t refund if the show goes ahead.”

    Caller: “You’re telling me I have to drive all the way there, when you know it’s going to be canceled?”

    Me: “Well, we don’t decide until that time because we’re not sure what the weather will be like this evening.”

    Caller: “The national weather service says it’s going to rain.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, the weather’s been a bit unpredictable lately, so–”

    Caller: “That’s not true.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Caller: “They said it would rain tonight.”

    Me: “Of course, ma’am, but we’re still not sure that at the time of the show–”

    Caller: “You shouldn’t insult people like that. People have studied for years to be able to predict the weather! You shouldn’t just dismiss that!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t mean to-”

    Caller: “Oh, I’m sure you didn’t, but you really should be more careful how you speak. If they say there’s going to a storm, you should respect that. You should cancel your show.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. Well unfortunately, that is the visiting company’s policy, so I’m afraid you’ll have to take it up with them.”

    Caller: “I will!” *hangs up*

    (Unfortunately for the caller, we had beautiful summer evening and the show went ahead as planned.)

    And To Delete, Use White Out…

    | Missouri, USA |

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I need help with my printer. I want to print this letter, but it’s not going to fit on the page!”

    Me: “What happens when you try to print?”

    Caller: “Well, I don’t know. I don’t want to get ink everywhere!”

    Me: “Okay, why do you think it won’t fit on the page?”

    Caller: “Well, when I held it up to the screen, the paper was smaller than the page in Word. So, it obviously won’t fit!”

    Me: “Ma’am, could you just try to print it for me?”

    Caller: “I told you, it’ll spill ink!”

    Me: “Trust me, it won’t.”

    Caller: “Fine, but if it does, you’ll have to clean it up.”

    (After a few moments of printing sounds…)

    Caller: *gasp* *click*

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