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    Reason For Refund Holds Water

    | Sydney, Australia | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I’d like to return this hat. It didn’t meet my expectations.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t return this for you. The hat is wet.”

    Customer: “I wouldn’t call it wet. That’s a bit presumptuous of you, isn’t it?”

    Me: “I don’t think it is. It’s wet.”

    Customer: “And where does it say in your returns policy that all items must be dry?”

    Nemo Would Not Have Survived This One

    | Germantown, WI, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hi there. Can I help you find anything today?”

    Customer: “My kids need a terrarium or an aquarium for a cub scout project. They have to observe it for 30 days.”

    Me: “Well, we don’t have any pre-assembled.”

    (I show her a tank, some pre-bagged dirt, plants, etc.)

    Customer: “So, could I put a fish in there?”

    Me: “Not with the dirt and plants, no.”

    Customer: “Can I just stick it in a bowl with water, then?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    Customer: “Do you have to do anything with it?”

    Me: “Feed it and keep the tank clean.”

    Customer: “Do I have to do that more than once a month?”

    Me: “Well, yes.”

    Customer: “How long do those fish live?”

    Me: “With proper care, up to a few years.”

    Customer: *scoffing* “That’s way too long! They only need to observe it for a month. What do I do with it after that?”

    Me: “You could ask your friends or your kids’ friends to see if someone would like to take it.”

    Customer: “Can’t I just flush it?”

    (I pause, not quite believing she was serious.)

    Me: “Well, ma’am, store policy is that animals always come first. Quite honestly, if I knew that’s what you were going to do with it, I would hesitate to sell you a fish.”

    Customer: “Oh, don’t worry. I wasn’t going to buy it tonight!”

    Telling Porkies, Part 2

    | Denver, CO, USA | Top

    Customer: “Is the chicken caesar sandwich vegetarian?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. It has chicken in it. But we can substitute tofu if you’d like.”

    Customer: “I don’t want tofu. Don’t you have any vegetarian meat?”

    Me: “Vegetarian means no meat, ma’am. Would you like a non-vegetarian option?”

    Customer: “No, I’m a vegetarian. Your menu says you have vegetarian options.”

    Me: “We do have vegetarian options. Anything can be made without meat.”

    Customer: “Why don’t you have any vegetarian meat?”

    Me: “Are you sure you’re a vegetarian, ma’am?”

    Related:
    Telling Porkies

    I Have A Dream And A Voice

    | MA, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I think I was just in the wrong theater.”

    Me:The King’s Speech? No, that was the right one.”

    Customer: “It’s just been all these British people talking.”

    Me: “Yes. The King’s Speech.”

    Customer: “But, isn’t it about Martin Luther King Jr.?”

    27 Stresses

    | Omaha, NE, USA | Top

    (It is prom season. We have a lot of girls coming in to try on dresses. Three girls have been trying on heaps of dresses. They finally select the ones they want.)

    Me: “I see you’ve made your final selection! If you just bring them to the register, I’ll be happy to ring you up.”

    (Their mother walks over.)

    Mother: “Oh, what lovely dresses!”

    Girl: “Yeah. We had to go through a lot of dresses before we found anything decent.”

    (The mother gets a weird look on her face.)

    Mother, to me: “Excuse me, miss?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

    Mother: “Are those the dressing rooms?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Mother: “Do you mind if I run in there for a minute?”

    Me: “Go ahead!”

    (The mother walks in, and sees all the dresses on the floor of the dressing rooms. She comes out fuming.)

    Mother: “You girls march right in there, pick up every dress, and hang them back up! Right now!”

    Girl: “Why? It’s her job!”

    Mother: “I did not raise a bunch of pigs! Get in there now, or you won’t be going to prom!”

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