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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Kitteh Sez STFU

    | Concord, CA, USA |

    (I’m tending to the cats at our pet store when a young woman comes up and points at a small tabby, Velma.)

    Me: “Ah, would you like to see Velma? She’s a little shy but very sweet.”

    Customer: “I can has cat?”

    Me: “Um… if you are interested in adopting, I’ll be happy to get out Velma or any of the cats so that you can get to know them a little better.”

    Customer: “I can has lolcat?”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “She is in her playpen, stealin our funs!”

    Me: “You know, pets can be a big responsibility, and I’m not sure a cat would be the best thing for you right now.”

    Customer: “K thanks bye!” *turns and walks out of the store*

    Me, to Velma: “I think I may have just saved your life.”

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    Amen

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    (A customer runs in two minutes to closing time.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we’re closing soon.”

    Customer: “What do you mean, you’re closing? But I haven’t had time to get what I want!”

    Me: “We’re open again tomorrow, 9 til 9.”

    Customer: “You should stay open until 10. People need to do their shopping, you know.”

    Me: “Sir, people like you are the reason that people like me don’t have lives.”

    How Spiderwoman Goes Shopping

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, where is the exit to the street?”

    Me: “Take the escalator down to the first floor and go out any of the doors.”

    Customer: “Down? I have to go down? But I came in on this floor.”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is the 3rd floor.”

    Customer: “But I came in on this floor.”

    Me: “That’s impossible, this is the 3rd floor. ”

    Customer: “Are you sure? I swear I came in on this floor. And you know, the customer is always right. ”

    Me: “Unless you scaled the building to get in, I am right on this one.”

    Natural Selection In Action, Part 3

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (I work at a historic fort and am dressed as soldier from the 1800s. I help tourists find their way around.)

    Tourist: ¬†”Oooh, is that a real gun?”

    Me: “Yes it is, it was made in 1865.”

    Tourist: “Oooh, does it still work?”

    Me: “Yes it does!”

    Tourist: “Can I get a picture of you pointing it at me?”

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    Natural Selection In Action

    Welcome To Retail, Part 2

    | South Carolina, USA |

    (It’s my first day on the job. I just finished scanning all of a customer’s groceries and given her the total when she holds up a roll of paper towels. She hadn’t put them on the conveyor belt.)

    Customer: “Why didn’t you ring this up?”

    Me: “Oh. You didn’t put it down on the conveyor belt. I’ll add it to your–”

    Customer: “Why is it my fault? You should have rung it up the first time!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you didn’t–”

    Customer: “I’d like to speak to your manager. ”

    (I call my manager over.)

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “Yeah, she didn’t ring this up.” *holds up paper towels*

    Manager: “Ma’am, did you put it on the conveyour belt?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Manager: “Then how could she ring it up?”

    Customer: “By sliding it across the beepy thingy, duh!”

    Manager: “How could she if you hadn’t put it down?”

    Customer: “… I don’t know. She just should have!”

    Manager: “Well, then why don’t I take that and we’ll ring that up for you right away.”

    Customer: “No.”

    Manager: “Why not, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I don’t want to pay for them.”

    Manager: “Okay, ma’am. I can return them to the aisle for you.”

    Customer: “No.”

    Manager: “What?”

    Customer: “I still want them, I just don’t wanna pay. Why do you think I didn’t put them down on the move-belt thing? You gotta give them to me for free now, because I had to call you over.”

    Manager: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

    Customer: “I’m taking them.”

    Manager: “That’s theft, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Fine!” *slams paper towels on conveyor belt*

    (She eventually pays, but not before flipping us the bird. How nice for my first day.)

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