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    Clucks Can Be Deceiving

    | Ohio, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I just ordered sweet and sour chicken from your establishment, and one of my pieces of chicken is shaped like a fish.”

    Me: “Well, the chicken is in all different shapes, ma’am.”

    Customer: “So it’s not fish? It’s still chicken?”

    Me: “Uh, yes.”

    Customer: “Oh, OK!”

    In Search Of Mrs. Ripley’s Believe-It-Or-Not

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “Hello, how are you doing tonight?”

    (The customer says nothing for a few moments while blatantly staring at me.)

    Customer: “…you have two air holes.”

    Me: “…excuse me?”

    Customer: “You only have two air holes!”

    Me: “Well, yes. Two NOSTRILS, you mean.”

    Customer: *continues to stare intently at me*

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “You should have three. I have been looking all my life for someone with three nostrils, but I still haven’t found her!”

    Me: “Oh…really.”

    Customer: “Yeah! I’ve traveled the world, but no luck.”

    Me: *accepts his money and bags the item* “Well, you have fun with that!”

    Always Right, Even When Shooting Down A Helicopter

    | Finland | Top

    (At the golf course where I work, it’s been a very a hot day and an older man unfortunately has a stroke/heart attack in the middle of the range. The course is at a remote location, so a medical helicopter is called in and lands in the middle of the range. Another golfer comes over, obviously upset.)

    Golfer: “It’s my tee! I want to take my shot but the helicopter is blocking it.”

    Me: “Sir, there’s a medical emergency on the range so you’ll have to wait for a little while.”

    Golfer: “But it’s my shot! I pay good money to play here and it’s my shot!”

    Me: “Sir, someone may be dying over there. Please have some patience. It shouldn’t take long until they lift off.”

    Golfer: “If they get hit, it’s their own fault.”

    (The man then pulls a club out and before I can stop him, he swings and hits the helicopter.)

    Me: “Sir! For God’s sake, stop!”

    Golfer: “It’s my tee! They can just blame themselves for being in the way. I don’t have time for this!”

    (I ended up reporting him to the caddie master and range supervisors. His license was revoked and was banned from playing there ever again. Thankfully, the helicopter was not damaged and the patient was saved.)

    Related:
    Pinheaded, Part 2

    Coming Soon: Backup Singer Hero

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (I’m shopping in a video game store, and an older, overweight, bald man comes into the store alone and proceeds to ask the greatest question I have ever heard.)

    Customer: “Do you have the singing game that lets YOU be the star?”

    Today, We Are All From Toronto

    | Cape Cod, MA, USA |

    (The parking lot is full at a popular beach and the area is residential, so I have the job of turning cars away.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the lot is full and you’re blocking traffic so you’ll have to move your car.”

    Customer: “But we are from Toronto!”

    Me: “Um…I’m glad you drove all this way, but the lot is full. Maybe you can get some lunch and check back in a half hour?”

    Customer: “But we are from Toronto.”

    Me: “I know, I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do, I have to keep this road clear.”

    Customer: “Have you ever been to Toronto?”

    Me: “No. But please, sir, you have to move. Perhaps you can drop your family off and rejoin them later when we have spaces.”

    Customer: *angrily* “We are going back to Toronto!”

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