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    How About A Chia Pet Instead

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    (I walk up to a customer and her family holding one of our pet store rabbits.)

    Me: “So, are you ready to buy that rabbit?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I think I’m going to. What do rabbits need?”

    Me: “Well, the first thing a rabbit needs is a good home. We have a nice selection of cages start.”

    Customer: “I think I’ll just put it in with my guinea pig.”

    Me: “Well, that really isn’t a good idea. They should really have separate cages.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’ll put the guinea pig somewhere else. What else do rabbits need?”

    Me: “Vitamins are good for rabbits, especially younger bunnies who are making their first move–”

    Customer: “Can’t I use ferret vitamins?”

    Me: “Well, no, because rabbits are herbivores and ferrets are carnivores. They have different nutritional needs.”

    Customer, to husband: “I don’t need any vitamins!”

    Customer’s husband: “Well, what about food?”

    Me: “We have a large assortment of rabbit food. The more colorful ones that contain dried fruits and vegetables are really going to help your rabbit, especially if you don’t plan on feeding it fresh fruits and vegetables.”

    Customer: “Can’t I just feed it cat food?”

    At Least They Made It To The Paper Anniversary

    | Greensboro, NC, USA |

    (I am waiting to bag a couple’s groceries. The man walks to the end of the register and looks me straight in the eyes.)

    Customer: *out of earshot of wife* “Let me tell you something.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Customer: “If you ever think you love a woman and want to marry her, run away.”

    Me: *chuckling* “Alright, I’ll keep that in mind. So, are plastic bags okay?”

    Customer: “Yeah, that’s fine.”

    (As I put items into a plastic bag, the man’s wife joins him.)

    Customer’s Wife: “Oh, can we actually have paper bags?”

    Customer: “I can’t even make this decision?”

    Latte In The Translation

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Customer: “I want a vanilla iced latte.”

    Cashier: “Okay, anything else?”

    Customer: “No.”

    (I make the drink for the customer and give it to her.)

    Me: “Here you are, ma’am.”

    Customer: “What is this? It isn’t a vanilla iced latte!”

    Me: “Yes it is, ma’am.”

    Customer: “What? No! I said I wanted a vanilla iced LA…TEA!”

    Me: “I’m not sure what you mean… we do have iced tea.”

    Customer: “I wanted a LA-TEA!”

    Customer’s husband: “She wants an iced coffee.”

    Customer: “Yes! Why are you people so stupid?! I always say the wrong thing. You should know by now what I want!”

    Putting Your Foot In It

    | Australia |

    (My friend and I are door-knocking to raise money for a charity.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am, we’re collecting for [charity]. Would you like to donate?”

    Customer: “Oh yeah, sure!”

    Me: “Thank you, we really appreciate it!”

    Customer: *pauses and suddenly glares* “Don’t look at my feet.”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “You heard!”

    (We can’t help it and sneak a look at her feet. She is wearing frog slippers.)

    Customer: “DON’T F***ING LOOK AT MY FEET!”

    How About Some TechiFlu

    | Torrance, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I had my computer looked at there, and you guys said that it’s running slow because there are probably bugs in it. Well, I sprayed some bug spray in it and now it won’t turn on.”

    Me: “Ma’am, when they tell you bugs, they mean computer viruses, not an actual bug.”

    Customer: “Well, what can I spray it with to get rid of the viruses?”

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