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    Pick It Before The Ticket

    | Canada | Top

    (A girl comes up to my till. She’s fake tanned with bleached hair and nails so long she can barely text while she talks to me.)

    Customer: “I need one ticket.”

    Me: “Sure, what movie?”

    Customer: “Just one ticket, please.”

    Me: “Yes, but I need to know which movie the ticket is for.”

    Customer: “What? Why can’t you just give me a ticket?”

    Me: “Because I have to select what movie to give you a ticket for before I can print it out.”

    Customer: “It’s a funny one with that guy. Just get me a ticket to it.”

    Me: “We have several comedies right now. You’ll have to be more specific.”

    Customer: “Do you know how to do your job? Give me a ticket and I’ll tell you what movie I’m seeing after!”

    Me: “That’s not how it works. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “Fine! Let me go see what movie my friends want to see.”

    (She goes over to a group of girls who are all dressed exactly like her and texting on their phones. She comes back a couple minutes later.)

    Customer: “The movie we’re seeing is [movie title].”

    Me: “We’re not showing that movie here.”

    Customer: “Why didn’t you tell me that before?”

    The Food Is Questionable

    | MD, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pizza place]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I got a couple of questions for you.”

    Me: “Okay, what are they?”

    Customer: “Is your pizza, like, really fresh?”

    Me: “Well, sir, it’s fresh right out of the oven.”

    Customer: “Okay. Is it better than [competitor’s] pizza place?

    Me: “Well, I don’t know, sir. I never order from them.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. I think they undercook their food.”

    Me: “Well, I wouldn’t really know, sir. I don’t like their food at all.

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    (There is a long silence.)

    Customer: “So, how was your day?”

    Me: “Fine.”

    Customer: “Okay. You working hard?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    (There is another long pause.)

    Me: “Sir, is there anything I can help you with? Maybe some food?”

    Customer: “Oh, no. I just called to ask those questions.”

    Brokers With Chokers

    , | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Uncategorized

    (We sell all types of insurance, including bonds. I am on the phone to a customer.)

    Caller: “Do you guys do bondage there?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. However, the gentleman that handles that is all tied up at the moment.”

    Customer: “Oh. Haha. Um…yeah.”

    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 5

    | Simsbury, CT, USA | Uncategorized

    (My store has a trivia question posted every day for customers to answer. The question reads, ‘How many time zones span across Russia?’)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Is the answer to the question ‘1’?

    Me: “No, sorry.”

    Customer: “Well, how many are there, then?”

    Me: “There are 11 time zones.”

    Customer: “Really? I thought there was only 1 time zone in the world!”

    Related:
    No Aptitude Vocation For Location, Part 2
    No Aptitude For Latitude, Part 2
    No Vocation For Location
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 4
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 3
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 2
    No Fortitude For Longitude
    No Aptitude For Latitude

    Wait In Line, Parish The Thought

    | Tampa, FL, USA | Top

    (A customer comes up to the front of a long checkout line.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you have to go to the back of the line or go to another line to purchase. There is already a line here.”

    Customer: “I have to checkout now! I have to go to church in 5 minutes!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you have to wait. You could also come back and get your toy after your service.”

    Customer: “I have to checkout now! I bet you’re just some heathen who wants me to miss church!”

    (A customer who is also a priest comes up to the front.)

    Priest: “Ma’am, going to church will not make you a better Christian. Shouting something as hateful as ‘heathen’ to this sweet lady certainly won’t help either.”

    Customer: “She won’t check me out so I can go to church! She obviously is not Christian.”

    Priest: “Ma’am, just please go to the back of the line, or leave. Nobody wants to hear your hateful comments to such a sweet woman. She might not be Christian, but she sure gives a lot more respect to people than you do.”

    Customer: *huffs* “Fine! But when God sends his fire upon both of you, you’ll be sorry!”

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