Unfortunately, Your IQ Adds Up To Zero

| Sydney, Australia | Liars & Scammers, Top

(We are currently running a promotion where customers can get 20% off their entire purchase with a coupon. On this day, I watch as a customer brings 5 items into the change room, picks up the first item, and brings it to the cash register, leaving the other four behind.)

Customer: “Just this, please.”

Me: “Sure. Was there a problem with the other four items?”

Customer: “No, no, I still want them! Leave them there for me. I’ll come back for them.”

Me: “You’ll…come back for them? I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m afraid we don’t reserve items.”

Customer: “I’ll only be a second!”

(I decide not to say anything and continue with the transaction.)

Customer: “Wait, I want to use my coupon! It’s a 20% discount!”

(I take her coupon and bring up her new total. She pays and leaves the store. However, she immediately turns on her heel and comes back in, heading towards the change rooms where she picks up the next item on the pile and brings it to me.)

Customer: “Hello, just this, please. And I have a coupon!” *takes out another coupon*

Me: “You know, ma’am, this isn’t necessary. 20% off the total price of all the items is exactly the same as the sum of 20% off each individual item. So you can just buy all your items in a single transaction.”

Customer: “Are you stupid? If I bought them in single transaction, I’d only be getting 20% off! But I have five coupons! 20 times 5 is 100! So now, I’m getting 100% off!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: *winks* “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone how to cheat the system!”

Thou Shalt Not Covenant Thy Neighbor

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Family & Kids, Religion

(I’m working the floor at a local video game store when a visibly angry woman comes up to me with a game in her hand.)

Customer: “What sort of filth are you selling here!? My son has been playing this game, and I found out it’s about killing the Pope!”

(She’s holding a copy of “Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood”. Its antagonist is Rodrigo Borgia, the Pope of Renaissance Italy.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am, the villain in that game is an embellished version of an actual Pope who was historically known for–”

Woman: “Look! I know you’re just doing your job, but I live in a Christian household and I wont have my son learning to hate religion!”

(I give her a refund, and then try to find her a game she approves of.)

Woman: “Okay, what’s this one about?” *picks up Halo: Reach*

Me: “Well, in that game you play as a futuristic super soldier who battles a race of religiously devout–”

(She screams, throws the game down, and storms out. The next day, she comes back and buys “God of War III” simply because it “has God in the title”.)

Metaphysics In Aisle 5

| Wisconsin, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, this is [store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, is your place like…a store?”

Me: “Yes, sir. This is a store.”

Customer: “Well, I know that. But is it a store where I can go to…you know, buy things?”

Me: “Yes, you can come in buy things here.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Thank you.” *hangs up*

Positively Negative

| Denver, CO, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, did you find everything you needed today, sir?”

Customer: “Everything.”

(He shoves a pile of baby clothes at me with a big smile.)

Customer: “My wife is pregnant with a baby.”

Me: “Congratulations, sir!”

Customer: “She tested positive yesterday. I’m buying clothes for the baby.”

Me: “Well, that’s very nice, sir. Will this be cash or charge?”

Customer: “I have the test with me.”

Me: “That’s all right, sir. I believe you.”

Customer: “It’s right here.”

(The customer shows me the test.)

Me: “That’s all r–”

(I check closer.)

Me: “Sir, this test is negative.”

Customer: *frowns at test and leaves*

Not The Breast Of Days

| Illinois, USA | Health & Body

(It’s 4 am, and a customer enters the store and approaches me. By the smell of his breath, he has clearly been drinking.)

Customer: “Do you know where I could find needle and thread?”

Me: “That would be in the crafts department. Would you like me to show you?”

Customer: “Yeah, thanks.”

(As we start to walk toward the craft department, which is in the back of the store, his phone rings. He picks up and has a short conversation to which I didn’t pay much attention. I only heard him say, “I guess I’ll have to sew it back on.”)

Customer: *hangs up* “It’s been a bad night.”

Me: “You too, huh?”

Customer: “Yeah. I got my nipple torn off.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I got drunk, got in a fight, and my nipple got torn halfway off.”

(He pulls his shirt to the side to show me his nipple barely hanging on.)

Customer: “My friends said to go to the hospital, but I don’t have insurance, so I’m just gonna have to sew it back on myself.”

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