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    Undeclared 4 Life

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (I worked a phone counter during the commencement weekend in May, and this was a conversation between myself and a caller the day before graduation.)

    Me: “Hello, Commencement Help, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “I need to know something. Am I graduating tomorrow?”

    Me: “Uh…do you mean are you walking?”

    Caller: “No, I mean graduating.”

    Me: “What’s your major?”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “Well…what college are you in?”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “…do you know what school this is?”

    Caller: “…” *hangs up*

    Co-worker: *to me* “I bet he was wasted.”

    Johnny Something-Seed

    | Baltimore, MD, USA |

    (I’m a cashier at a cafe-style restaurant.)

    Me: “Can I help you sir?”

    Customer: “Sure, I’d like the turkey sandwich with everything on it.”

    Me: “Okay, and what side would you like with that: chips, bread, or an apple?”

    Customer: “An apple? What’s an apple?”

    Me: “…a red fruit.”

    Customer: “Oh! I’ll take that.”

    Watching Your Back While Working Your Lats

    | Toronto, ON Canada |

    (This gentleman regularly comes to the gym and seems a little bit high-strung, but was always normal before.)

    Me: “Good morning, sir, how are you today?”

    Customer: “Not very good.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir.”

    Customer: *suddenly intense* “Have you seen any NAZIS lately?”

    Me: “…uh…no?”

    Customer: “They’re EVERYWHERE.”

    Me: “Oh. Well…I certainly haven’t seen any Nazis lately, sir.”

    Customer: “Good! But they’re everywhere. You gotta watch out for them! *leaves to go work out*

    Not-so-righteous Indignation

    | Bakersfield, CA, USA |

    (A customer claims they had found cockroaches in several pizzas we had delivered earlier. My manager tells me to go ahead and give them their money back.)

    Me: “Here’s your money refunded in full, and again, we’re very sorry for this. It’s never happened before.”

    Customer: “This is unacceptable! We’re never ordering from you again. You should feel ashamed!”

    Me: “Again, we’re very sorry. If you could just give me the pizzas back, I’ll dispose of them for you.”

    Customer: “Well…I don’t have them anymore.”

    Me: “What did you do with them?”

    Customer: *sheepishly* “I gave them to my kids.”

    As The Checkout Line Churns

    , | Philadelphia, PA, USA | Top

    (I’m ringing up a customer and notice her last name is the same as mine. I have a very uncommon last name, so I made the mistake of mentioning this…)

    Me: “Your last name is [name]? Mine, too. Wonder if we’re related?” *chuckle*

    Customer: *very serious* “What is your name?”

    Me: “Oh, I was joking, we’re not related; almost all of my family lives up in New England.”

    Customer: *more serious* “What is your name?”

    Me: “Uhhh…I’m no–”

    Customer: “Do you have a brother named [brother's name]?”

    Me: “Yes, actually…”

    Customer: “Is your mother [mom's name]?”

    Me: “Uh, yeah…”

    Customer: “And your father’s name is [my estranged father's name]?”

    Me: “Well, he’s my biological father, yes.”

    Customer: *sticks out hand* “Nice to meet you, I’m your step-mother!”

    (The entire line of about a dozen people behind her gasps, like they were watching a soap opera.)

    Me: “Oh, God…please don’t tell my father I work here.”

    Customer: “You know why your father left your mother, right?”

    Me: “Uh…no?”

    Customer: “Because she cheated on him with [my stepfather]!”

    (The line behind her gasps again.)

    Me: “Oh, okay…”

    Customer: “You know, your father is very heartbroken about you. You’ve grown up to be such a beautiful young woman. You should call him and talk to him just so he can see how you’re doing.”

    Me: “Actually, we don’t–”

    Customer: “You and I need to go out for coffee sometime. I have a lot of stories to tell you.”

    Me: “Okay, well–”

    Customer: “I promise, I’m not an evil stepmother. Well, I’ll see you later, sweetie!” *bounces out the front door*

    Me: *speechless*

    Next customer: “Sweetie, are you okay?”

    Me: *still speechless*

    Next customer: “Why don’t you take a break? We don’t mind waiting.”

    Entire line: “No! Go take a break!”

    Me, to my boss: “Hey, I’m taking a break. I’ll be back in–”

    Boss: “For God’s sake, go home! I’ll see you on Monday.”

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