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    He Auto Know Better

    | USA |

    (We take calls from all over the USA and Canada from people needing roadside assistance. This particular call was taken by a co-worker.)

    Co-worker: “What is wrong with your vehicle that you need it towed?”

    Customer: “I put it up on a flat.”

    Co-worker: “I’m sorry? You put it up on a flat…?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I put it up on a flat.”

    Co-worker: “What exactly is wrong with it?”

    Customer: “I put it up on a flat! You know, I have a dead battery and 3 flat tires.”

    Co-worker: “Oh, OK. Is that vehicle a two-wheel-drive or a four-wheel-drive?”

    Customer: “It’s a one-wheel drive. I told you I had 3 flat tires! Do you know anything about cars?!”

    TMI Mom Tries To Help

    | Canada |

    (A forty-something year old woman comes to the counter with her purchases. Amongst them is a box of condoms, which have security stickers on them. Before I scan the item, I swipe it a few times over the scanner to deactivate it.)

    Customer: “Is it not scanning?”

    Me: “No, I’m just deactivating the security sticker. I don’t want you to set off the alarm on the way out. Especially over condoms!”

    Customer: “Oh I’m not embarrassed! They’re not for me, they’re for my son. I can’t even get an erection!”

    Thou Playest Too Much Warcraft, Methinks

    | Lapeer, MI, USA |

    (An customer wearing the famous “I F**K on the first date” t-shirt is at our video rental store complaining about a charge on her account. Note that she also has her four year-old daughter with her.)

    Customer: “You f***ing peons make seven dollars an hour, and you think you can tell us what to do?! You lost that movie yourself!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but there is nothing I can do–”

    Customer: “No, but you will be sorry! I expect a heart-felt apology to my face!”

    (The customer storms out of the store with her daughter in tow, but before I can get to the next customer she comes back in.)

    Customer: “My daughter is bawling because of you! So, thank you! THANK YOU!”

    (She kicks the door on her way out and goes back to her car. I take a deep breath and put my smile back on.)

    Me: “I can help who’s next!”

    Next customer: “Did she just call you a peon?”

    Brogue On A Dime

    | Ireland | Top

    (Although I am an American, I have lived in Ireland for the past 10 years.)

    Me: “Hello, welcome to [coffee shop]. what can I get you today?”

    Customer: “Are you even from here?”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “Are you even from Ireland?”

    Me: “Well, my family is Irish, but I was born in America.”

    Customer: “And they let you work in an authentic Irish coffee shop?!”

    Me: “Well, yes. I’ve lived here for years, so I guess they thought it was okay to hire me.”

    Customer: “But this is so inauthentic! You don’t even have the right accent!”

    Me: *with Irish accent* “Why, of course I do, luv! What are you sayin’, I don’t have the right accent?”

    Customer: *flustered* “But…but…you…”

    Math Is Your Friend, Part 4

    | Ohio, USA |

    Customer: “What’s the difference between the three fingers and finger fingers?”

    Me: “Well, the three fingers comes with three chicken fingers, and the five fingers comes with five.”

    Customer: “So, which one has more chicken?”

    Me: “The five fingers.”

    Customer: “Are the five fingers bigger?”

    Me: “No, the chicken fingers are the exact same size. You just get two more with the five fingers.”

    Customer: “This is too confusing! I’ll just have a cheeseburger.”

    Related:
    Math Is Your Friend, Part 3
    Math Is Your Friend, Part 2
    Math Is Your Friend

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