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    And The Cycle Starts Anew

    | Thousand Oaks, CA, USA |

    (A customer stomps into my store and starts yelling at me.)

    Customer: “I had an allergic reaction to a Vanilla Ice Blended from the store in [other location] and the manager there said I could have whatever I wanted here for free.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear about that. Do you have a receipt?”

    Customer: “I had to drive out to Cedars-Sinai last night and I was there until four in the morning! The people at [other location] said I could have anything I wanted! I had an allergic reaction!”

    Me: “Well, then… what would you like?”

    Customer: “I want two Vanilla Ice Blendeds…”

    Minus One Bill, Plus One Federal Offense

    | Jonesboro, AR, USA |

    (I work at a call center that handles many types of cell phone issues, including the bills.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling, my name is **** and I’ll be assisting you today. Is this call in regards to wireless number ***-***-****?”

    Caller: “Why y’all done sent me a bill for two thousand minutes?! I don’t even own a cell phone!”

    Me: “Um… well, does the bill have your name on it, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Of course it does! Right here…” *paper rustling*

    Caller: “Oh, lawdy! I done opened my neighbor’s mail!”

    Nautical Always Right

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Where are you located?”

    Me: “We’re on **** Road, in the **** Shopping Center.”

    Caller: “Oh…I’m in Alpharetta. How far away is that?”

    Me: “Uh…a long way. There are probably several of our other stores closer to you.”

    Caller: “No, it has to be your store. How far away?”

    Me: “Probably about a 45-minute drive. Maybe longer if there’s traffic.”

    Caller: “How do I get there?”

    Me: “Well, you’d have to take 400 down to 285, and–”

    Caller: “Wait, wait, that’s not gonna be useful to me. Where’s the nearest river crossing?”

    Me: “…river crossing?”

    Caller: “Yeah. I’m taking a boat.”

    Me: “…you’re taking a boat from Alpharetta?”

    Caller: “Yes. You’re intentionally being difficult.”

    Me: “The nearest river crossing is about ten miles from here.”

    Caller: “Oh…can you come pick me up from there?”

    Me: “No.”

    Caller: “Fine. I’ll go to another store!”

    The Princess Is A Royal Pain

    | Utah, USA |

    (A woman came up to my counter in the clothing store I work in. She has a very distressed look on her face.)

    Me: “How can I help you this morning?”

    Customer: “What is this red sticker on the tag of this dress?”

    Me: “That is a clearance sticker. That dress is 40% off.”

    Customer: “But I was here yesterday and it wasn’t on clearance! I’ve been eying that dress for weeks!”

    Me: “Well, today is your lucky day – it went on clearance this morning.”

    Customer: “I can’t buy it on clearance. Can you take that red sticker off the tag?”

    Me: “Are you going to buy this dress?”

    Customer: “I’m going to buy it once you take off that red tag. I don’t want to pay the clearance price.”

    Me: “Even if I remove the sticker the register will still ring it up at clearance price.”

    Customer: “Do I look like I’m the type to buy a dress on clearance?” *holds the dress up dramatically*

    Me: “Are you planning on buying this dress?”

    Customer: “Are you planning on taking off that red sticker?”

    Me: “Not until you pay for it.”

    Customer: “You don’t understand my world.”

    (She left the dress on the counter and walked out of the store.)

    An Insurance Company’s Nightmare

    | California, USA |

    (A customer came in looking for an item to prop up books and papers, making them easier to read without having to use your hands.)

    Me: “You’re looking for a copy holder. We have several different types, and they’re right over here.”

    Customer: *looks over selection* “These won’t work. I need one that will attach to my steering wheel in my car.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t carry anything like that. These are just meant to go on your desk next to your computer.”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you don’t carry that. Why don’t you sell a book holder for a steering wheel?”

    Me: “Maybe because we don’t want you to read while you’re driving?”


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