October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Express (Death) Row

| New Jersey, USA | At The Checkout, Uncategorized

(Customer #1 is slowly packing up her receipt, change, etc., while Customer #2, an elderly gentleman, is waiting patiently behind her.)

Customer #1: *noticing Customer #2* “Oh, I’m sorry I’m taking up so much of your time.”

Customer #2: “Oh, that’s okay. I’m just waiting to die.”

Flattery Is Fully Charged

| Wilmington, DE, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Uncategorized

Me: “Hello! I’m [name] and I’ll be your server today. Are you ready to order?”

Customer: “No! You can’t serve me! You’re prettier than I am! You’re damaging my self-esteem!”

Me: *pause* “Well, you can request another server, if you like?”

Customer: “Yes! Get me another server. Someone less pretty!”

(Another waitress comes out. She’s perfectly good-looking, but visibly older than the customer whereas I’m younger, so we figured that would be okay.)

Waitress: “May I take your order, ma’am?”

Customer: “No no no! I asked for someone who isn’t pretty! Doesn’t this place employ ugly people?!”

(In the end, after deciding that even the male servers were far too good-looking, she left us feeling flattered, but very confused.)

The Customer Has The Right To Be Wrong

| United Kingdom | At The Checkout, Top

(I have finished my shift and am doing my shopping at the self scan checkout, still in uniform.)

Customer: “Excuse me can you help me? The machine’s playing up.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I’ve actually finished. I can’t log on to the system after my shift, but I can call my colleague.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! If you’ve finished why are you still here at this checkout?”

Me: “I’m shopping sir, like you are.”

Customer: “Why the h*** would you need to shop here?!”

Me: “I still need to eat, sir.”

Customer: “This is insane, what makes you think you have the right to eat?!”

Anatomically Correct Vs Politically Incorrect

Kids Love To Wise-Crack

| United Kingdom | Family & Kids, Uncategorized

(I give activity sessions for young children at a small museum in Scotland. During one of the sessions, the children have to guess what a mystery object is – in this case, some tobacco leaves.)

Me: “So you’ve guessed it’s some leaves. Does anybody know what leaves these are? A clue is the smell.”

(The children look nonplussed, understandably.)

Me: “Well, it’s a good thing you don’t know what this is. You’re all a bit young to be allowed this. Any guesses?”

Child: “CRACK!”

Knocked It Before He Thai’d It

| St. Paul, MN, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Uncategorized

(Our store has a hot lunch station, which includes soup made in house.)

Customer: “Is there a schedule for the soups? Like, is it the same thing week after week?”

Me: “It is right here.” *pointing to this month’s soup menu*

Customer: “It seems like the soups lately have all been kind of, well, leftish fringe. All red lentils and stuff.”

(He scrutinizes the menu, muttering to himself.)

Customer: “Ha! ‘German Sausage and Potato’. That’s normal. Who knows what the h*** is in ‘Thai Curry’."

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