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    Yogi Says Yum To Spicy Humans

    , | Edmonton, AB, Canada |

    (Note: Bear spray is basically just pepper spray that you use if you are attacked by a bear.)

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [outdoor supply store]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, um…I bought some bear spray from you earlier today and now my skin is burning.”

    Me: “Your skin is burning? Did the bear spray come into contact with your skin?”

    Customer: “Of course! I sprayed it all over myself!”

    Me: “Did you read the instructions?”

    Customer: “No, I thought it was like bug spray.”

    Me: “Sir, you’re not supposed to spray it on your skin. You’re supposed to spray it in the bear’s eyes. You should probably go take a shower.”

    Customer: “So I can’t repel the bears by putting bear spray on my skin?”

    Me: “No, sir…are you sure bear country is the right place for you?

    Backordered Compliments

    | Canada |

    Customer: “Hey, how good is this book?” *holds a fantasy book*

    Me: “I don’t know, I haven’t read it. But you might want to start with the first one in the series, if we have it right now…”

    Customer: “You haven’t read it? You’re gotta be kidding me! Really, they hire anyone these days. I guess I’ll try it, then. You said it’s not the first
    one?”

    Me: “No, and it seems that we don’t have the first book in this series. If you want, you can leave your name and number and we will call you if someone sells it.”

    Customer: “No, no, that will be fine. I’ll just come back. When will you get it?”

    Me: “I don’t know, sir. We’re a used books store. We only get books when people sell them to us.”

    Customer: “I know that, I’m not stupid! When will someone sell you this book?”

    Me: “I don’t know, sir.”

    Customer: *rolls his eyes* “I can’t believe they hired you. I bet it’s only because you’re pretty!”

    Me: “Er…thanks, I guess?”

    A Vanessa By Any Other Name

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (As I’m ringing an elderly lady’s groceries through, she reads my name tag incorrectly.)

    Customer: “Vanessa…Vanessa! That’s such a lovely name.”

    Me: “Oh? Yeah, it is.”

    Customer: “Vanessa! Vanessa! Vanessa! Vanessa!”

    Me: “It’s great, but I’m not–”

    Customer: “Your mother has such good taste! Van-ESSA!”

    Me: “Thank you, but–”

    Customer: “I bet, when you were young, she’d say things like ‘Vanessa! Get over here! You’re such a naughty girl!’”

    Me: “Um, something like that…”

    Customer: “Well, you have a great day Vanessa!”

    Masticating Morons

    | Albany, NY, USA |

    (A customer walks up to the retail counter with about 70 packs of gum in a canvas shopping bag.)

    Me: “Hello, will this be everything for you today?”

    Customer: *panicked* “Do you think it will be enough?!”

    Me: “Er…enough for what?”

    Customer: “For the exam!” *leans forward* “I plan to write my essay one letter at a time on each piece of gum. As I’m taking the exam, I’ll stick them on the desk in front of me, in order. It’s genius!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that will fail on so many different levels.”

    How About Long Johnson Silver

    | Kansas, USA |

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need that book about the whale and the guy trying to get it.”

    Me: “Oh, Moby Dick? It’s right back here.”

    Customer: “WHAT?! I don’t want a book about dick! EW!”

    Me: “Um…Moby Dick is about the white whale and Captain Ahab. By Herman Melville. It’s a classic.”

    Customer: “Oh. Do you have any copies with a manlier title?”

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