Anything You Order I Order Better

, | Evans, GA, USA |

Customer #1: “I’d like a house salad with fried chicken. That’s with ranch dressing.”

Me: “Okay then.” *turns to customer 2* “And for you?”

Customer #2: “I want the exact same thing!”

Me: “Okay, two fried house salads.”

Customer #2: “Oh! I wanted mine with grilled chicken.”

Me: “Okay. So one grilled house and one fried house, both with ranch.”

Customer #2: “No. I want blue cheese dressing.”

Me: “Okay, so a fried house with ranch, and a grilled house with blue cheese. Is that all?”

Customer #2: “Yup!”

Me: “Alright, your total is going to be–”

Customer #2: “Oh! No cheese! I don’t like cheese.”

(I’ve already sent the order to the kitchen. I excuse myself to go let them know. I come back and take their money.)

Customer #2, to customer #1: “Isn’t it so much easier when we order the exact same thing?”

Nothing As Dangerous As A Woman Porned

| Inland Empire, CA, USA |

(A customer has just finished checking out two adult movies.)

Coworker: “Have a good evening, sir!”

Customer: *whirls back after taking a few steps* “Oh crap!”

(He rushes back to the counter before the next customer can come up.)

Coworker: “Did you forget something, sir?”

Customer: *trying to speak quietly* “I shouldn’t have used my card! Can you reverse it? I have cash! I can pay with cash!”

(I notice the situation. I come over to help.)

Me: “Sir, if it’s a problem I’d be happy to refund the charge back to your card.”

Customer: “My wife is going to see it online! She’s going to kill me!”

(He seems to be starting to panic.)

Customer: “Yeah, you have to reverse it!”

Me: “I see. Well, unfortunately, even if I do that the charge and the refund will both still appear on your bank statement, but–”

Customer: *interrupting* “No good! I have to get to the bank right now! I have to stop them!”

(He rushes out the door. He forgets the movies and has to run back in for them.)

Me: “Sir, it’s alright, the–”

Customer: “I have to stop the bank!”

(He almost trips up running out again. He didn’t give me time to explain that his bank statement will only show our store name; not the titles he rented.)

From Bat To Worse

| KY, USA |

Customer: “Do you have that new Dracula movie?”

Me:Bram Stoker’s Dracula? We sure do.”

Customer: “I love all of that guy’s movies.”

Me: “A Coppola fan?”

Customer: “No, Bram Stoker. I love everything he’s been in.”

Short-Change Deranged

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Top

(I have just entered a customer’s order coming to $15.50. He hands me a twenty.)

Customer: “Oh, could I get another small popcorn too?”

Me: “Of course, sir.”

(I get the popcorn and add it to the order. It now totals $19.95. I give him 5 cents back. The customer walks away and I finish a few more orders. He comes back angry.)

Customer: “You short changed me!”

Me: “Are you sure, sir?”

Customer: “Of course I’m sure, you idiot! You only gave me back a nickel. You took 4 bucks from me! Give it to me now!”

Me: “I can’t just give you money from the till. In fact, I remember your order. It was $19.95 and you gave me a twenty.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! It was 15 something!”

(My manager overhears.)

Manager: “What’s going on here?”

Customer: “This b*** short changed me 4 bucks!”

Me: “Sir, you saw the total at $15.50. Then, you asked for a small popcorn. Do you remember that?”

Customer: “Count the cash in the drawer! No, wait. She probably pocketed it! Empty your pockets now!”

(I show him there is nothing in my pockets.)

Customer: “She probably put it in her bra! Take off your clothes! Now!”

Manager: “She’s not taking off any clothes.”

Customer: “Fine! Then just let me put my hand in her bra and get my money out!”

The Phone Is Suffering From ‘The Situation’

| Colorado Springs, CO, USA |

Me: “Thank you for calling [company name] tech support. How can I help you today?”

Caller: *thick inner city accent* “Yeah. Phone don’t work. It’s all like ‘WHAAAAAAT’, and needs to be like ‘YAAYUUUUHHH’.

Me: “What exactly is not working, sir?”

Caller: “My phone.”

Me: “I understand your phone is having issues. What exactly is it doing?”

Caller: *slowly and deliberately* It’s all like ‘WHAAAAAAT’, and needs to be like ‘YAAYUUUUHHH’.

Me: “How about we just exchange the phone?”

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