Fresh Until Proven Spoiled

| Sydney, Australia | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(A customer comes to the return desk the day after Christmas.)

Customer: “This ham smells off. Smell it. I want a refund.”

Me: “I’m sorry that it was off, sir. I’ll refund you now.”

Customer: “Aren’t you going to smell it?”

Me: “Um…it’s okay. I believe you.”

Customer: “It smells terrible!”

Me: “I’m sure it does, sir, but it’s not necessary for me to smell it. I’ll just give you the refund.”

Customer: “How do you know I’m not lying if you won’t smell it?”

Me: “Sir, I am not going to smell your ham.”

Customer: “SMELL MY HAM!”

You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Job Description

, | Arlington, VA, USA | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque

(I am a cashier at a costume store. A young boy and his mother come up to pay. The mother is busy texting. The boy has a police officer costume in his hand.)

Boy: “Mommy, now I can really play sodomy!”

Mom: *not paying attention* “That’s nice, sweetie.”

Me: *confused* “Playing sodomy?”

Boy: “Sodomy, like when you pretend to be the police.”

Related:
You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 5
You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 4
You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 3
You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 2
You Got The Wrong(est) Number

The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 6

| Livingston, NJ, USA | Books & Reading

Customer: “I’ve read all of the Twilight books. I love them! Has Stephenie Meyer done anything else?”

Me: “Yes, she wrote another book called The Host.

Customer: “Great! I didn’t see any other books where the Twilight series is, though.”

Me: “This one is actually shelved in science fiction. I’ll show you.”

Customer: “Science fiction?! Why?”

Me: “Well, she didn’t write it for the young adult section. Plus, given the subject matter I guess that’s what made the most sense.”

Customer: “What’s wrong with the subject matter?”

Me: “Nothing. It’s about an alien, so–”

Customer: “Wait, an alien?! So…there are no vampires?”

Me: “No, not in this one.”

Customer: “Forget it. I only read vampire books these days. Aliens are just too unrealistic.”

Related:
The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 5
The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 4
The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 3
The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 2
The Twilight Of Our Literacy

Teach A Customer To Wrap And She Can Wrap For Life

| New York, NY, USA | Books & Reading

(The bookstore I work in offers complimentary gift wrapping for customers. It’s a steady night at the bookstore and a woman approaches my register.)

Me: “Hi, how are you?”

Customer: “I need to get something gift wrapped.”

Me: “Sure, do you have the receipt for it?”

Customer: “No, I didn’t buy it here. I bought this from another store.”

(She takes out box of perfume.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t wrap something you bought from another store. You’re going to have to buy your own gift wrapping paper and wrap it yourself.”

(Ten minutes later, the woman returns to my register with wrapping paper in hand.)

Customer: “Okay. Now can you TEACH me how to wrap it?”

Illegalize Stupidity

| Kansas City, MO, USA | Food & Drink

Guest #1: “What’s a Flaming Dr. Pepper?”

Me: “It’s a shot of Amaretto topped with Bacardi 151 and set on fire. You drop it into half a beer and chug it. It tastes just like a Dr. Pepper.”

Guest #1: “We’ll take two.”

Me: “Sorry, since they’re on fire, we can’t serve them. It violates city fire code.”

Guest #2: “C’mon, we want to try it.”

(I explain that if they drink them at the bar in front of me I’ll allow it. I pour the half beers, the shot of Amaretto, and top it with the 151. I place all this in front of them and light the shots on fire.)

Guest #1: “Now what?”

Me: “Hold the beer in one hand and the shot in the other.”

(They do so.)

Me: “Now drop the shot.”

Guest #1: “Drop the shot?”

Me: “Drop the shot.”

(Guest #2 drops the shot in the beer and begins to chug as instructed. Guest #1 misunderstands and drops the shot on the bar, spilling the now flaming shot all over the counter. The Bacardi, as well as the flames, spread. I put it out but it takes a few moments and it is a little frightening.)

Me: “Now, do we know why they are illegal to serve?”

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