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    Helping Is Its Own Reward (Card)

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Me: “Hello. Do you have a rewards card?”

    Customer: “No. Why would I want a stupid piece of plastic for?”

    Me: “Okay. That’ll be–”

    Customer: “What? Aren’t you going to lecture me on the benefits of your card?”

    Me: “Well, you get coupons and discounts.”

    Customer: “I don’t need that! Stop hounding me about your stupid piece of plastic!”

    So Stupid I Almost Painted

    | Queens, NY, USA |

    Customer: “I need some paint.”

    Me: “No problem, let me show you our selection.”

    (After taking her time picking out colors from all the swatches we have…)

    Customer: “I want these two colors mixed. I‚Äôm going to be painting stripes.”

    Me: “Sure, no problem. Let me mix it up for you. Would you like a gallon of each, or a different size? Also, would you like some painters tape and a couple of brushes?”

    Customer: “I only need one brush and I don’t need any painters tape, because you are going to mix the two colors.”

    Me: “You want me to mix the two colors?”

    Customer: “Yes, so I can just buy one gallon and paint stripes.”

    Rocket Man: It’s (Not) Going To Be A Long Long Time

    | Fredericton, NB, Canada |

    (A customer comes into our store looking for a discontinued desk.)

    Me: “Hello, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I want to order a desk. I need it here by tomorrow morning because we’re going back home to Newfoundland.”

    Me: “Sir, the only store in Canada with one of these desks still in stock is in Alberta. However, I don’t believe it’s possible that we can have it here tomorrow.”

    Customer: “Well, can’t you make a special circumstance for me? It’s only a hundred and fifty bucks. It can’t be that much to send it by airplane.”

    Me: “Sir, most of our stuff is sent by truck during the week. It would take almost a week for it to get here. You could however try your store back home to see if they could order it.”

    Customer: “I want it tomorrow morning.”

    Me: “I understand, but it’s not physically possible to deliver it by transport truck in ten hours.”

    Customer: “Yes it is! I’m a professional Formula 1 racer! I can drive to Alberta and back in less then ten hours.”

    Me: “Uh huh…”

    Customer: “Well, if you can’t get it here in ten hours, I’m driving to Alberta myself!”

    Me: “Okay. If you really want to drive to Alberta, I can make arrangements for them to hold it for you.”

    Customer: “You don’t believe that I can make it there in less then ten hours, do you?”

    Me: “Not really, but I also don’t drive a Formula 1 car.”

    Customer: “I don’t! I fly a rocket ship!” *literally runs out of the store as if he was an airplane while saying “Zooom!”*

    Slightly Less Rare Than An Honest Politician

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA |

    Coworker: “Hi, how are you? Can I help you find anything today?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for books by John Edwards.”

    Coworker: “The politician?”

    Customer: “Yes…he reads minds, you know.”

    Coworker: “Oh, you’re looking for John Edwards the psychic, not John Edwards the politician.”

    Customer: “They’re different people?!”

    The Wicked Witch Of The Pacific Northwest

    | Portland, OR |

    (I work at a very popular authentic garden in Portland. Even though it is August, it has been raining hard lately.)

    Customer: “Hi, I would like two adults, two kids.”

    Me: “That will be $$$.”

    Customer: “So what happens if it rains?”

    Me: “How do you mean?”

    Customer: “What happens if it rains? Do you refund everyone’s money or something?”

    Me: “Not really. This is Portland after all. We’re famous for heavy rains.”

    Customer: “Yes, but what do you do? There‚Äôs no tent or anything that you set up?”

    Me: “Well no, ma’am. This is a garden. We‚Äôre still outside, even though you’re paying to get in. And most of the time the rain doesn‚Äôt bother anyone…people still walk in the rain.”

    Customer: “They what?! They walk in the rain?! Don‚Äôt they get wet?”

    Me: “Well yes, but this is Portland. We’re used to the rain, and besides, the garden is very lovely in the rain.”

    Customer: “Oh my! Oh my! This cannot do. This is my vacation! Why does it have to rain? Don‚Äôt we get a rain discount or something?”

    Me: “No, sorry. If we gave discounts for every time it rained here, we would be well out of business. And this is a garden, so it needs rain.”

    Customer: “Oh God, oh God! The rain…it hurts!”

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