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    Please Do Not Creep Out The Employees

    , | Bozeman, MT, USA |

    (A male customer comes into our lingerie store and wanders around, looking at the merchandise.)

    Me: “Good morning, welcome to [lingerie store]. How can I assist you today?”

    Male customer: “I need to get my wife a gift.”

    Me: “Okay, what were you thinking of?”

    Male customer: “Oh, you know, underwear or something.”

    Me: “Okay, what type? Special occasion? Casual everyday?”

    Male customer: “Definitely something special. It’s our anniversary.”

    Me: “Do you know her sizes?”

    Male customer: *moves towards me* “About your size…” *looks at my chest*

    Me: “Okay, then…why don’t you show me what you’ve seen that you like?”

    Male customer: “I like…you.” *leering*

    Me: “I think you’ll like my manager then, too!” *run away to get my manager*

    Good Examples Gone Bad

    | Santa Clarita, CA, USA | Top

    (Note: A sincerely nice gentleman in his Mid Sixties approaches the check in counter with a CRT monitor.)

    Me: “Hello sir, what can i do for you?”

    Old man: “I can’t check my email any more and I need you to help me.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem! Did you want to bring your computer in here, too?”

    Old man: “Here.”

    (He sets his monitor on the counter.)

    Me: “Um…”

    Old man: “What’s wrong?”

    Me: “Well sir, this is just your monitor. Imagine if you will that your DVD player…”

    Old man: *looks confused*

    Me: “…or VCR…is broken and you want me to fix it, but you bring in your television.”

    Old man: “Oh my goodness, I am so embarrassed.”

    Me: “It’s completely understandable, technology can be a bit overwhelming.”

    Old man: “I’ll go get my VCR!”

    From Gills To Godly

    | Nanuet, NY, USA |

    Customer: *in a thick accent* “Hello, were you the girl I spoke to last night about my fish?”

    Me: “No, I’m not, but I’d be happy to help you.”

    (The customer whips out a Chinese food container holding a fish that is clearly on death’s doorstep.)

    Customer: “My fish…she is dying. I need you to heal her. If she is healed, I want you to give her back to me.”

    Me: “Well, sir, your fish honestly doesn’t look like it’s going to make it. I would be happy to replace your fish. Even though we will medicate your fish, I can’t guarantee she’ll survive.”

    Customer: “No… I don’t want another fish. I want this fish. I want you to heal my fish. I have been praying for it. When you heal my fish you should pray for it as well. It will heal faster!”

    Me: “Sir, I can’t say that I usually pray, but I will be sure to keep the fish in my thoughts.”

    Customer: “No. You must pray.”

    Me: “…sir, honestly, I don’t practice religion.”

    Customer: “You must pray.”

    Me: “…all right. I will pray for her, and I will make sure she gets the best care. Stop by later this week or call in and ask for me. I will be happy to give you an update, just please keep in mind that I don’t think your fish will survive.”

    Customer: “You must heal my fish. I will call you to see how she is. I am certain she will survive.”

    (It soon became clear that I should have prayed sooner, because the fish died ten minutes after the customer walked out the door.)

    Feel The Burn, Pay For The Lawsuits

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    (I work for a construction company that often works on residential streets. As we were working on one road, a woman stepped under the caution tape and proceeded to walk through the construction zone.)

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but you’ll have to go around this area. I could give you an alternate–”

    Woman: “NO!”

    Me: “Uh, I’m afraid you have to. It’s against the law to go into construction zones.”

    Woman: “CAN’T YOU SEE I’M GETTING MY F***ING EXERCISE?!”

    Me: “…”

    Do Not Mix: Empty Threats & Loaded Barrels

    | San Bernardino, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Hello, I’m looking to get a handgun like this one.”

    (The customer holds up a picture from the movie ‘Wanted’.)

    Me: “All righty, we’ll have to order that one for you, but we can have it to you in a few weeks.”

    Customer: “WHAT?! I NEED THE GUN BY NEXT WEEK! CAN’T YOU GET ME THE GUN BY NEXT WEEK?!”

    Me: “You’ll have to deal with the waiting period, anyway. What exactly do you need it for so quickly?”

    Customer: *suddenly calm again* “Me and my friend are going to curve a bullet around his head for a YouTube video.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t sell you a gun then. All you’ll do is kill your buddy and go to jail.”

    Customer: “YOU’RE GOING TO GET ME THE GUN, OR I’M GOING TO TALK TO THE MANAGER!”

    (The manager, who was in the room behind the counter, walks out with a shotgun on his shoulder.)

    Manager: “You’re in my store, where I have literally hundreds of guns and thousands of rounds of ammunition. Are you really that stupid?”

    (The customer looks around at the guns like he hadn’t noticed them before, and runs out of the store as my co-worker walks up.)

    Co-worker: “I love working here.”

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