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    The Customer Has The Right To Be Wrong

    | United Kingdom | At The Checkout, Top

    (I have finished my shift and am doing my shopping at the self scan checkout, still in uniform.)

    Customer: “Excuse me can you help me? The machine’s playing up.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I’ve actually finished. I can’t log on to the system after my shift, but I can call my colleague.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! If you’ve finished why are you still here at this checkout?”

    Me: “I’m shopping sir, like you are.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** would you need to shop here?!”

    Me: “I still need to eat, sir.”

    Customer: “This is insane, what makes you think you have the right to eat?!”

    Anatomically Correct Vs Politically Incorrect

    Kids Love To Wise-Crack

    | United Kingdom | Family & Kids, Uncategorized

    (I give activity sessions for young children at a small museum in Scotland. During one of the sessions, the children have to guess what a mystery object is – in this case, some tobacco leaves.)

    Me: “So you’ve guessed it’s some leaves. Does anybody know what leaves these are? A clue is the smell.”

    (The children look nonplussed, understandably.)

    Me: “Well, it’s a good thing you don’t know what this is. You’re all a bit young to be allowed this. Any guesses?”

    Child: “CRACK!”

    Knocked It Before He Thai’d It

    | St. Paul, MN, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Uncategorized

    (Our store has a hot lunch station, which includes soup made in house.)

    Customer: “Is there a schedule for the soups? Like, is it the same thing week after week?”

    Me: “It is right here.” *pointing to this month’s soup menu*

    Customer: “It seems like the soups lately have all been kind of, well, leftish fringe. All red lentils and stuff.”

    (He scrutinizes the menu, muttering to himself.)

    Customer: “Ha! ‘German Sausage and Potato’. That’s normal. Who knows what the h*** is in ‘Thai Curry’."

    Don’t Have A Cow Man

    | Canberra, Australia | Food & Drink, Top

    (It is a very busy morning and I am the only one on staff. A customer cuts past the line and starts asking about soy milk quite angrily.)

    Customer: “I need soy milk. I’m vegan.”

    Me: “I can’t guarantee that the milk is 100% vegan, sir.”

    Customer: “Show me your soy milk! Hurry up!”

    (I leave the coffee machine and get one for him.)

    Me: “We have [brand] soymilk. Is that okay?”

    Customer: “What are the ingredients? Hurry up! I’m vegan.”

    Me: “Soy juice, sir. You can read it if you want and see if it’s okay for you.”

    Customer: “I don’t have time to read! You read it for me! I’m vegan!”

    Me: “I don’t have time to read it for you. I’m busy serving the 10 people you pushed in front of.”

    Customer: *waving bottle* “I need you to read it! I’m a vegan!”

    Regular customer: “Shut the f*** up and go buy your own Soy milk then.”

    Customer: “You can’t say that to me!”

    (The vegan guy throws the soy on the counter and storms off.)

    Me: “Thanks guys.”

    Regular Customer: “Can I have a latte on light milk? You don’t have to read the ingredients. I’m pretty sure it came from a cow.”

    Not Much Food For Thought

    | Livonia, MI, USA | Food & Drink, Uncategorized

    (I’m a hostess seating a very attractive couple and their adorable 9-month-old baby.)

    Me: "Do we have anything to celebrate tonight?"

    Wife: "No…well…"

    Me: "Yes?"

    Wife: *as if divulging a great secret* "Well, I’ve been on a cleanse since I had my baby, and I’m only allowed to eat on certain days. Today…I get to eat DINNER!"

    Me: “Uhm…”

    Wife: *nervous giggle*

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