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    Best To File This One Away

    | TX, USA | Top

    Caller: “I am a year behind on the current week. How do I close the week?”

    Me: “I can help you with that. You go to ‘File’, then ‘Close current week’.”

    Caller: “I don’t have ‘File’.”

    Me: “Hmm…then you must not have access to this function. Can you log in as the supervisor?”

    Caller: “I am logged in as the supervisor.”

    Me: “You’re sure you don’t have ‘File’? It should be listed at the top right.”

    Caller: “Let me tell you what have. I have ‘File’, ‘View’, ‘Employee’, ‘Period’-”

    Me: “That’s it there. Please choose ‘File’.”

    Caller: “I don’t have ‘File’.”

    Me: “But, you just said you had ‘File’.”

    Caller: “No, it’s not there.”

    Me: “Please call out what you have again at the top.”

    Caller: “I have ‘File’, ‘View’, ‘Emplo’-”

    Me: “That’s it. You have ‘File’. Please choose ‘File’ from the top left.”

    Caller: *frustrated* “But, I don’t have ‘File’! I already told you!”

    Me: *clears throat* “Please read out what you have again. Very…slowly.”

    Caller: “Okay. I have ‘File’, Vi-”

    Me: “Stop there, please. What was that?”

    Caller: “I have Fi-”

    Me: “You have ‘File’?”

    Caller: “I have ‘File’.”

    (I pause, hoping this allows the caller to get it.)

    Caller: “Oh, you mean THIS ‘File’!”

    Me: *cheerily* “Yes!”

    Caller: “I click on this one?”

    Me: “Yes, please.”

    Caller: “Oh, that’s the one! Thank you so much!”

    About To Be Charged With Something Else

    | ACT, Australia | Australia | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Do you sell a charger for this phone?”

    Me: “We usually do, but I’m not sure if we have any in stock. I’ll have a look for you.”

    (I look on our accessories wall. I’m too busy to notice the customer has walked up behind me.)

    Customer: *low voice* “It’s just that the prostitutes keep stealing mine.”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “Did you want to know that?”

    Me: “Not really.”

    Off-site And Out Of Sight

    | Pasadena, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    (I work for an automated parking structure. Unfortunately, we don’t have access to the cameras at the entrances. All we know about a situation is what a customer tells us over the intercom system.)

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hello, this is [company]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Your machine is broken. It won’t take my credit card.”

    Me: “Well, let’s see if I can help you. Please insert your ticket facing up, and then insert your credit card facing the same way.”

    Customer: “Like this?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I don’t have any cameras there, so I can’t see what direction you’re trying to insert your ticket.”

    Customer: “Oh. Like this?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I still can’t see you. Are you inserting the ticket facing up?”

    Customer: “Like this?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can’t see you. Can you describe what the ticket looks like for me?”

    *pause*

    Customer: “Like this?”

    A Dark Day For Political Correctness

    | St. Paul, MN, USA | Top

    (Keep in mind that I’m wearing a black shirt.)

    Customer: “I have a question. Can you help me?”

    Me: “I’ll try, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Well, do you carry any construction paper?”

    Me: “Yes, we do. It is right this way, if you would follow me.”

    (We walk to the aisle.)

    Customer: “Do you have any dark paper, though?”

    Me: “Yes, we do. What color of dark paper are you looking for?”

    (The customer looks at me like I’m a moron.)

    Customer: “Dark paper! Like your shirt!”

    Me: “Oh, you mean black.”

    Customer: *gasps* “I’m sorry, but I can not believe you would say that! I feel that word is just so offensive to the colored community!”

    (The customer storms out of the building, muttering about racists. The customer is white.)

    At A Loss

    | CA, USA | Uncategorized

    (We offer third party services to obtain home loan modifications.)

    Me: “Hello. Please be advised that during the loss mitigation solution, we will be requesting updated financials.”

    Client: “Loss…migration solution?”

    Me: “No. Loss mitigation solution.”

    Client: “Loss m… miti… mitigigration?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. Loss mitigation. Spelt m, i, t-”

    Client: “Well, whatever it is. Yeah, I’ll get the stuff for you for the migration solution.” *pauses* “Oh, d***! You know, that ‘M’ word.”

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