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    Let Me Give You A Pizza My Mind, Part 2

    | Springfield, MO, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thanks for choosing [pizza place]. Can I get your phone number, please?”

    (The customer provides his info.)

    Me: “It looks like you’ve already placed an order a few minutes ago. Did you need to change something?”

    Customer: “Yeah. My roommate is being a total woman over here. He doesn’t want to eat pizza.”

    Me: “Weird. I’m a woman, and I eat pizza all the time.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, you know. Not a cool woman like you, but like a vegetarian or something.”

    Me: “I’m a vegetarian.”

    Customer: “Well, you know. I mean…uh…”

    (The customer explains his friend has an ulcer and cuts his order down to just one pizza.)

    Me: “Anything else?”

    Customer: “No. I’m not calling here ever again, I promise.”

    Related:
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    Giving A Pizza My Mind

    Don’t Kick Up A Fuss If Your Heart Isn’t In It

    | Sacramento, CA, USA | Top

    (We have just landed. One of the passengers has suffered a medical emergency. Paramedics are on the way, and we’ve asked the other passengers to wait until the man has been safely moved from the plane. One of the other passengers speaks up.)

    Passenger #1: “What is this? Why can’t we get off?”

    Me: “Sir, one of the passengers has just had a heart attack. We need to get him off the plane before everyone else.”

    Passenger #1: “This is s***! Why should we have to wait? I want to get off!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You’re going to have to wait like everyone else until we’ve taken care of the emergency.”

    Passenger #1: “Let us get off!”

    (Another passenger speaks up.)

    Passenger #2: “Hey! This man just had a heart attack! His life is in danger. Are you really so selfish that you can’t wait five minutes for him to get medical attention? I hope that if you ever have a heart attack on a plane, they don’t wait for you to receive medical attention. Let’s see how that works out for you.”

    (The man sheepishly sits down and the entire cabin applauds.)

    Modern Technology Can Pass By In A Blur, Part 2

    | Rogers, AR, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Hi, I’m here to see Sanctum!”

    Me: “Alright! Here are your 3D glasses.”

    Customer: “Oh, it’s 3D? I don’t do well with those. Is there a 2D version?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. We only have 3D.”

    Customer: “Well, do I have to wear the glasses?”

    Me: “Well, you don’t have to. But the screen will be blurry if you don’t.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, can you un-blur it for me?”

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    Modern Technology Can Pass By In A Blur

    Time Waits For No Madam

    | Vejle, Denmark | Uncategorized

    (I’m selling tickets to a mother and her 6-year-old daughter.)

    Daughter: “Mom, when can we see the movie?”

    Mother: “It starts in fifteen minutes.”

    Daughter: “And how long does that take? An hour?”

    Leave Your Baggage At The Checkout

    | Perth, Australia | Top

    (I am checking out a customer.)

    Customer #1: “No, no, no! I want the fruit in a separate bag.”

    Me: “No problem. I was just going to do that anyway.”

    Customer #1: “No, I want them separate. They’ll get squashed.”

    Me: “So, separate from each other?”

    Customer #1: “Yes, of course! Or they’ll get bruised.”

    (By this point, the customer has been rude enough. I put each piece of fruit in its own individual bag while he pays. When he has rushed off, both I and the next customer notice he has left three of the four bags of fruit behind.)

    Me: “Sorry, just be a second.”

    (I run to a coworker not on register.)

    Me, to coworker: “The previous customer left these behind. He’s wearing a red cap and a black t-shirt, heading out the exit by the bank.”

    Coworker: “On it!” *dashes off*

    Customer #2: “After all that fuss, and he forgot about it!”

    Me: “The sad thing is, I’d put money on it somehow being my fault.”

    Customer #2: “No, surely not?! It was sitting on the bench, plain as day.”

    Me: “You’d be surprised, really. Most people are rational, but in this job you really do get to see all types. Some people just can’t take responsibility for their own actions, and we’re easy targets for blame.”

    Customer #2: “That’s sad, but you’ve got me as a witness!” *smiles*

    (The first customer storms back to my register.)

    Customer #1: “You stole my shopping! Where is it? You kept it to make me look like a fool!”

    Me: “It’s okay. It’s right here.”

    (I hand over the bags, smiling.)

    Customer #1: “Where were they? You hid them behind the register?”

    Customer #2: “No, they were right there on the bench with the rest of your shopping.”

    Customer #1: “Oh. I thought you’d forgotten to pick them up from back there.”

    Customer #2: “They sent someone after you, too.”

    Me: “It’s fine. It looks like you were in a rush. Have a good day!”

    (The first customer scurries off grumbling and clutching his bags.)

    Customer #2: “I thought you were just kidding! I had no idea people could be so stupid! And so very rude to you for his own mistake! I’d never blame any of you for something like that.”

    Me: “I know. That’s what makes you one of the good ones!”

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