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    Piss Poor Pizza Poacher

    , | Burnaby, BC, Canada |

    Me: “Hello, *** Pizza, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi. I’m supposed to get a free pizza because you guys made it wrong last time.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, can I have your address please?”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “So I can look up your credit… we file them by address.”

    (He gives me his address, which isn’t in the file. I try every possible means to verify his story, and am finally convinced that he’s lying.)

    Me: “Did the person you dealt with last time ask for your address?”

    Customer:“No, they just said I could have a free pizza.”

    Me: “Did they happen to give you their name?”

    Customer: “No, it was just some guy.”

    (I’m the only male manager at the restaurant.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but I can’t give you a free pizza.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because I have no record of it. I can’t just give pizza away to anybody who says we screwed up.”

    Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Excuse me?! What is your name?”

    Me: “My name is ‘guy-who’s-not-giving-you-a-free-pizza,’ what’s yours?”

    Customer: “I want to speak to your manager!”

    Me: “I am the manager.”

    Customer: “Well, haven’t you ever heard that the customer is always right?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s what people say when they’re trying to rip us off.” *click*

    And We Wonder Who Clicks On Spam, Part 2

    , | Indiana, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling tech support, may I have your university user name?”

    Caller: “What’s a user’s name?”

    Me: “Oh… well, how are you affiliated with [university]?

    Caller: “It’s what came up on my screen.”

    Me: “Okay… well, I’m sorry, but this help desk is only for students, staff, and faculty of our university.”

    Caller: “But the page said to call!”

    Me: “Yes. If you’re in any way affiliated with us we’d be happy to help you, but this service is for students, staff, and faculty.

    Caller: “But it didn’t say that, it just said to call!”

    Me: “Well, I apologize, but you can’t just call any number on the internet and expect support!”

    Caller: “Well, why not?!” *hangs up*

    Related:
    And We Wonder Who Clicks On Spam…

    Movies That Never Should Have Been Greenlit, Vol. I

    | Lansing, MI, USA |

    Customer: “I want a free rental on my account for this movie!”

    Me: “Was the movie damaged? Did it skip or something?”

    Customer: “No, it sucked. I don’t want to pay for a bad movie.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. But we don’t give free rentals on account of bad movies.”

    Customer: “But you people should have told me it was bad!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry. But we don’t get to see all the movies we have here.”

    Customer: “I don’t give a f***. This doesn’t change the fact I want a free movie!”

    Me: “Like I said before, we don’t give free rentals based on bad movies…” *looks at movie* “… or bad taste.”

    Customer: “Huh? What do you mean?”

    Me: “You rented Ninja Cheerleaders. This would be like me going to a restaurant, ordering a rat on a stick, eating it, and then asking to get the meal free.”

    Tech Support, Tier 666

    | Willow Grove, PA, USA |

    (Sometimes I get very bored at work and decide to have fun with customers.)

    Me: “Hi, what can I do for you today?”

    Customer: “My computer isn’t working at all. It seems that something is wrong with it.”

    Me: “Okay, let me see what I can do…”

    (I place my hands on the computer and in my best imitation of a televangelist.)

    Me: “IT IS HEALED! PRAISE THE LORD!”

    Customer: “Oh my God, really? Are you serious?! Thank you!”

    Me: “No, no I’m not.”

    Customer: *completely baffled*

    Me: “I hate my life.”

    Two Letters And A Hundred Stitches

    , | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    (After helping a middle aged man find many CDs…)

    Customer: “Thank you… what’s your name?”

    Me: “Ryland.”

    Customer: “Thank you for your help, Ryan!”

    Me: “No, no. My name is Ryland.”

    Customer: “Ryland? What the h*** kind of name is that? You better watch out, you’re going to get attacked one day!”


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