Sweet Spice

| London, UK | Uncategorized

(I work on the pizza counter at a large supermarket chain. We make individual pizzas for the customer.)

Customer: “I’d like some jelly babies.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t put jelly babies on pizzas. What else can
I get you?”

Customer: *pause* “Jelly babies, please.”

Me: “Sir, we do not serve jelly babies here.”

(This continues for quite awhile.)

Customer: “I’d like some jelly babies.”

Me: “We do not sell jelly babies!”

(The customer then angrily points to an ingredient on the counter.)

Me: “Sir, those are jalapeños.”

Dislike As Many As I Like

| Southampton, UK | Uncategorized

(We have free demo discs on the counter. We’re trying to get rid of them.)

Customer: “Are these to buy?”

Me: “No, they’re totally free. Take as many as you like!”

Customer: “I don’t think I’d like to take as many as I’d like. I’ll have two.”

Contractions Speak Louder Than Words, Part 2

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Uncategorized

(It’s a very cold, snowy night. The store isn’t very busy, as most customers are tucked away safe for the night. The phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [store name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, do you guys deliver?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. We don’t.”

Caller: “But it’s really snowy outside. I shouldn’t have to drive in this weather.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: “I’ll send my wife then. What time do you close?”

Me: “9 pm, sir.”

Caller: “One more thing: can you carry the bag to the car for her?”

Me: “Of course I can.”

Caller: “Great. She’s pregnant, and the doctor said she shouldn’t be lifting anything too heavy.”

Related:
Contractions Speak Louder Than Words

Has Faith But Lost All Pope

| New Orleans, LA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I’m looking for the Holy Bible.”

Me: “Any particular denomination you’re looking for?”

Customer: “The one written by Jesus.”

Me: “Technically, the bible wasn’t written by Jesus.”

Customer: “No, he wrote one. Everybody knows that.”

(I decide not to argue and take her to see our bibles. She comes back down later, looking upset.)

Customer: “None of those say they were written by Jesus. Where are the ones written by Jesus?”

(I answer in the only way I can think of as helpful.)

Me: “Maybe you should ask the Vatican City?”

Customer: “Is that far?”

To Make Up His Mind, He Would Need To Have One First

| Madison, WI, USA | Uncategorized

(A student is buying books. After I ring up his total, he pulls out a card.)

Me: “Would you like your card run as credit or debit?”

Student: “Which account do I want to use? Credit comes out of your savings account, right?”

(I give a quick explanation of the difference between credit and debit. During this time the student has swiped his card through the machine, and followed the automatic prompts to charge his card as debit.)

Student: “Okay. In that case, I do credit.”

Me: “Sir, you just finished running it as debit.”

Student: “Oh, right, okay.”

Me: “Would you like a bag?”

Student: “No. Wait, yes. No!”

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