Featured Story:
  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Directionally Impaired

    | Sandusky, OH, USA |

    (I work at a theme park and the ride I operate requires riders to pull down their own lap bars.)

    Me: “When you’re all seated, please pull down on the lap bars in front of you.”

    (Everyone is seated, and all but one guest pulls down their lap bar. She’s talking to her friends, so I catch her attention.)

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, could you please pull down on your lap bar so we can get the ride going?”

    Guest: *blank stare*

    Me: “The black lap bar right there in front of you. Just go on ahead and pull it down so it’s secure.”

    Guest: *blank stare, puts hands on the bar*

    Me: “That’s right, just pull it down…”

    Guest: *raises hands in the air*

    Me: “…”

    Four Legged Friends And Their Two Legged Twits

    | New York, NY, USA |

    (A customer comes into our pet store during the winter.)

    Customer: “When they salt the streets, it burns my dog’s paws.”

    Me: “Well, we have shoes for your dog right over here.”

    (I show her the different sets of shoes we have available.)

    Customer: “Wait, why are there four shoes?”

    Tasting Is Believing

    | SSM, Ontario, Canada |

    (The pool I work at is run using a salt water system instead of chlorine. I am in the process of adding salt to the pool when a hotel guest shouts at me from a poolside chair.)

    Hotel guest: “Miss! What are you putting in that pool?”

    Me: “It’s just salt. It’s not dangerous to you or anyone swimming in it. In fact, it makes the water that much safer.”

    Hotel guest: “Salt? That makes no sense! No one puts salt in a pool! They put chlorine! Why are you lying to me?”

    Me: “Sir, I assure you that this is nothing more than food grade salt.”

    Hotel guest: “I don’t believe you! It has to be chlorine! Get over here!”

    (I walk over to the man with my bucket of salt, where he proceeds to stick his entire hand in, pick up salt, and eat it.)

    Hotel guest: “Oh…I guess it is salt. Can I have a glass of water?”

    Let The Flamewars Commence

    | Stockton, CA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want to buy a PS3.”

    Me: “That’s great. Which one would you like?”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “Well, I have an 80GB and a 160GB available.”

    Customer: “What does that mean?”

    Me: “One has twice the memory of the other.”

    Customer: “What does that mean?”

    Me: “One system can store two times the amount of data as the other.”

    Customer: “What does that mean?”

    Me: “The 160GB system can hold twice the amount of songs, videos and game saves.”

    Customer: “Well, what is the difference between the two?”

    Me: “One system has twice the memory of the other.”

    Customer: “Can they both play PS3 games?”

    Me: “Yes, sir…”

    Customer: “Then what is the difference between the two?”

    (This went on for awhile. He ended up buying an Xbox 360.)

    I Can See Clearly Now The Brain Is Gone

    | Saarland, Germany |

    Me: “Hello, may I help you?”

    Customer: “I need binoculars.”

    (I show him a selection of binoculars.)

    Customer: “No, no, no. Not one of these. I want one with a magnification of fifty or so.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, there are no binoculars with a magnification of fifty.”

    Customer: “Are you saying I’m wrong? I’m an engineer. I have two diplomas. Two! I know how things work, thank you!”

    (He grabs one of the binoculars, holds it the wrong way round and looks through it.)

    Customer: “This one’s broken!”

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