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    Getting To The Out Source Of The Matter

    | Tempe, AZ, USA | Language & Words, Technology

    Me: “Hello, you have reached [business name]. This is [name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Oh, thank God! I was just talking to some mush mouth who couldn’t speak English right at all. You shouldn’t outsource; do your employers outsource? People can’t understand you when you outsource.”

    Me: “Well, I am sorry for that. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I want my password. That mush mouth changed it, and now I can’t log in.”

    Me: “I am sorry, ma’am. May I have your ID and what you want your password to be?”

    Caller: “Just change it back to what it was.”

    Me: “Well, I apologize, but I can not do that. For security reasons we can not see a password, only set it to something else. I can set it to a default or anything you request.”

    Caller: “Well, I am requesting the old password. Just fix it.”

    Me: “I am sorry, ma’am, but it’s impossible for me to know.”

    Caller: “Well, my internet knows. It tries to use the password. Just take it from that.”

    Me: “I can not take a password from your browser. If your login was working, why did you call to change your password?”

    Caller: “The news told me people can take that information and steal all your files, so I was worried.”

    Me: “Ma’am, your information is safe, I assure you.”

    Caller: “Then why can’t you just change my password back to ‘Password’?”

    Me: “Your old password was ‘Password’?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Give Customers A Piece Of Your Mind

    | Dartmouth, NS, Canada | Crazy Requests

    (An irate customer is frustrated with my store’s return policy, and asks me to call my manager.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but she isn’t answering her cell phone or house number, but she’ll be in tomorrow if you want to try again then.”

    Customer: “No! You get her on the phone now!”

    Me: “I just called both of the numbers she provided, and she didn’t answer. That sort of leaves me with telepathy.”

    Customer: “Well, could you try that?”

    Fighting Ignorance With Ignorance, Part 2

    | NH, USA | Family & Kids, Language & Words

    (I am working in the clothing section of a department store when I overhear this conversation. Note: I work with a very nice woman who moved to America from India about ten years ago.)

    Mother: “Did you find everything you needed, hon?”

    Child: “Yep! A really nice Indian lady helped me.”

    Mother: “No, no! We don’t say Indian. We say ‘Native American.'”

    Child: “No, mom, not that kind of Indian. One from India!”

    Mother: “Don’t be silly, hon. We took their country from them, not gave them one.”

    Related:
    Fighting Ignorance With Ignorance

    Half A Brain And A Pound Foolish

    , | TN, USA | Food & Drink

    Me: “Would you like to try our new Texas Toast Bacon Cheese Thickburger?”
     
    Customer: “Nope. I want a… I’m not sure what it is called. But it has BBQ sauce, bacon, cheese and all that.”
     
    Me: “Okay, that is our Texas Toast Bacon Cheese Thickburger.”
     
    Customer: “Yeah, sure.”
     
    Me: “Okay, would you like to add fries and a drink for a combo?”
     
    Customer: “Nope, no combo.”
     
    Me: “Okay, would you like the quarter, third, or half pound for that?”
     
    Customer: “For what?”
     
    Me: “The size of the meat patty; you can get either the quarter, third, or half pound.”
     
    Customer: “I’m not stupid; I can read a sign. Is the half pound the biggest?”
     
    Me: “Yes, sir.”
     
    Customer: “So, the quarter-third is next size down?”
     
    Me: “No, sir. Those are two different sizes. The third is smaller than the half, but larger than the quarter. The quarter is smallest of all.”
     
    Customer: “Oh, okay. I will have the quarter-third.”

    (I contemplate for a moment, then ring him up for a third pound.)
     
    Me: “Okay, is that going to complete your order today?”
     
    Customer: “What about some fries and a coke?”

    Trouble’s A Cold Callin’

    | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Health & Body

    Me: “Hello, this is [name] from [company name]. I’m calling to see if you would be willing to take part in a survey about the recent swine flu outbreak?”
     
    Woman: “This is a Sunday morning. How dare you call me?!”
     
    Me: “I’m very sorry to have bothered you.”
     
    Woman: “Give me your number and we’ll see how you like being called on a Sunday morning.”
     
    Me: “Ma’am, I work on a Sunday morning. You can call, but I won’t be there.”

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