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Give Me An Ear Or I’ll Give You An Earful

| Northern California, USA | Bizarre

(A woman rushes into the store with her two sons. She’s very huffy and already looks impatient.)

Customer: “Hey, I’m looking for ears. Do you sell any? Like a grey ear?”

Me: “Um, do you mean like a costume ear?”

Customer: “No, no, no…an ear, like a grey model ear. You don’t have one of those? You’re probably going to tell me that I’m going to have to make it myself. Ugh, I always have to make things myself.”

Me: “Well, I don’t think we sell ears specifically. We do sell sculpting clay though. You could make it with sculpting clay, if that’s not too much troub–”

Customer: “I can’t believe you don’t sell ears here! That’s one of the more basic items!”

This Apple Fell Far From Its Tree

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Top

(I am working at an elementary school for gifted children. We have a horseshoe shaped parking lot where parents picked up their kids. At the end of the day it’s my job to stand at the exit of the one way and direct people 10 feet to my right to the correct entrance. A woman coming to pick up her child tries to enter the wrong way. I step in front of her car. She steps on the gas and gets close enough to hit my bright orange flag that says “stop”.)

Woman: “What the h*** are you doing? I need to pick up my daughter! Why aren’t you letting me pick up my daughter?”

Me: “Ma’am, this is a one way. You need to back out and go the correct way.”

Woman: “You’re kidnapping my daughter! I’m going to call the police! Let me in to see my daughter!”

Me: “Ma’am, I assure you, we are not keeping you from your daughter. All you need to do is back up and drive a few feet to the entrance. You are trying to go the wrong way down a one way.”

Woman: “Well, how am I supposed to know which way is the right way?”

Me: “Ma’am, even if I weren’t here to tell you, there’s a sign right behind me that says ‘Do Not Enter’.”

Woman: “Well, I shouldn’t be expected to read street signs!”

Obviously, She Needs Food For Thought

| North Brunswick, NJ, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Top

(A truck flips over down the street and takes out a power line, knocking out the power to our restaurant. We are all getting ready to start cleaning up and calling it an early day until a customer walks in. Note that all the lights are off.)

Customer: “I tried calling to place an order and you guys didn’t answer the phone!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Our power is out, so our phones don’t work.”

Customer: “Well, that’s okay. Can I just order a chicken lori dinner?”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid that’s not possible at the moment. We have no electricity in the kitchen and there aren’t any windows back there. Plus, our ovens and grilles have electric starters.”

Customer: “You guys are open though, correct?”

Me: “Only for a little while longer while we clean up.”

Customer: “Well, then, can you at least make me a pizza?”

Me: “I don’t think you really understand. We lost power. We can’t cook anything right now.”

Customer: “Ugh, what kind of pizza place is this? Can I at least have one of the slices on the counter?”

Me: “Sure, we can do that.”

(I pick her slices out and start putting them in a box.)

Customer: “You aren’t even going to heat them up or anything?”

Me: “Ma’am, I honestly don’t know how much clearer I can make this. The power is out. Anything that uses electricity is currently not working. Our stoves cannot be started.”

Customer: “Fine! Forget it. I’m never coming back here again. You people are useless!”

Like My Antiques, I Need Love Too

, | St. Louis, MO, USA | Rude & Risque

(We rent out individual spaces to people. A new dealer has just moved in and is about to leave the store. Note that she is about 70 years old and I am 30.)

Dealer: “Okay, I guess you have to inspect my bags before I leave.”

Me: “Yeah, we do.”

(It looks like a bunch of moving supplies and paper.)

Dealer: “Are you going to frisk me?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Dealer: “Well, it says you check everything at the door. I figured you’d check me too.”

Me: “Ma’am, we check your bags and boxes, but not you. I’m not going to frisk you, as that is inappropriate.”

Dealer: “Well, it’s been a while for me, dear. You can feel what you want.”

Me: “I’d like to keep my job without a sexual harassment complaint on the record. We’ll just see you next time.”

Dealer: “Oh, come on! It’s been so long!”

(Her 80 year-old husband is standing there laughing the entire time.)

More Than You Bargained For

| Pearsall, TX, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

(A customer purchases some items at the checkout. While walking out, he sees a sign that one of his items is on sale.)

Customer: “Excuse me, this sign says this glue is for $4.99, but the shelf says $5.99.”

Me: *looks at receipt* “Well sir, I charged you $4.99.”

Customer: “But the shelf said $5.99.”

Me: “But I charged you $4.99.”

Customer: “But the shelf said $5.99.”

Me: “Okay, give me another dollar.”

(The customer thinks for a second, then walks out of the store without saying another word.)

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