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    You Can’t Always Love What You Do

    | Richmond, VA, USA |

    (While closing up shop alone one night, two gentlemen walked in and the following conversation took place.)

    Customer: “So, uh…how much experience do you need to groom dogs?”

    Me: “Well, none to start out. They start you as a bather, and then after about three months they send you through an academy to learn how to groom dogs.”

    Customer: “You gotta go to school for this?”

    Me: “Yes – it’s actually not as easy as it looks.”

    Customer: “You make a lot of money?”

    Me: “Well, that’s hard to say. We work on commission so…it just depends on how many dogs you can do in a week.”

    Customer 2: “You think if you’ve got a cruelty to animals charge, they’ll let you work here?”

    Me: “…no.”

    Bridging The Cultural Gap, One Angry Customer At A Time

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    Me: Hello, my name is ****. How may I assist you today?

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m trying to watch the baseball game, but it’s in Spanish. I don’t speak Spanish.”

    Me: “OK sir, have you tried to remove the SAP function on the TV? If you don’t know how, I can walk–”

    Customer: “Listen, I have had you people tell me this over and over again! I want a valid reason the game is in Spanish, and none of this ‘SAP’ junk.”

    Me: *gives up* “Well sir, the real reason is many of the players are not from America. How are they supposed to know what’s going on if the game is broadcast in English?

    Customer: “Thank you! At least one person there knows what’s going on. Have a nice day.”

    Me: “…”

    Please Burn Before Returning

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    (I work at a large outdoor equipment store. ¬†I had an older woman approach the register with a female urinary device — which is used for winter mountaineering, so that women can use pee bottles in their tents.)

    Me: ¬†”Howdy. Did you find everything you were looking for?”

    Customer: ¬†”Well, I’m looking at this — do they work well?”

    Me: ¬†”Uh, well, I imagine so, but I don’t have any experience with that product.”

    Customer: ¬†”Can I return it if it doesn’t work?”

    Me: ¬†”We have a 100% satisfaction guarantee on everything we sell here in the store. I will ask, however, that if you return it, you clean it first and double bag it!”

    How About We Get Them To Do An Irish Jig For You

    | Israel |

    (A customer is looking at the live fish swimming in the tank at the supermarket where my mom works.)

    Customer: “Are these fresh?”

    Mom: “They’re alive.”

    Customer: “But are they FRESH?”

    Mom: “… yes.”

    At Least He Can Tell Time

    | Ithaca, NY, USA |

    College student: “Do you have any stamps?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry. This is a library.”

    College student: “But I need to buy some stamps.”

    Me: “I can’t help you. We don’t sell stamps in the library. You should try the post office in [college building] tomorrow.”

    College student: “But I need the stamps now. Can’t I just have some stamps?”

    Me: “Listen, libraries don’t sell stamps. The post office will sell you stamps tomorrow morning when it opens. But right now, in this building, I can not sell you stamps.”

    College student: “So you’ll sell me stamps tomorrow?”

    Me: “Listen, you can’t even mail anything on a Sunday evening. Why don’t you come back later?”

    (Not surprisingly, he came back at 8 the next morning demanding stamps.)


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