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    A Cheese By Any Other Name

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA | Top

    Me: *greeting the table* “Hello, how are y’all do–”

    Customer: *interrupting* “Do you have cheese dip?”

    Me: “Yes, we have queso.”

    Customer: “No! I don’t want queso! I want cheese dip!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer’s 5-year-old daughter: “Daddy, queso is cheese.”

    Customer: “Hush!” *looks at me* “What kind of Mexican restaurant doesn’t have cheese dip?”

    Me: “Sir, we have cheese dip, but here we call it queso.”

    Customer: “Fine! Bring out this ‘queso’ and I’ll let YOU know if it’s cheese dip or not!”

    Big Brother Strikes Again

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Can I have today’s New York Times?”

    Me: “Sure.” *grabbing a newspaper*

    Customer: *spotting a headline* “This government and their invasion of privacy! The mind-control devices are next, mark my word.”

    Me: *thinking he was kidding* “I wouldn’t doubt it, sir.”

    Customer: “Yep, when I was in the service, they experimented on me with those. Me and few other guys, we got chips implanted in our heads, and they conducted mind-control tests on us. It’s still in there. *points at scar on forehead and laughs* “They’re always watching!”

    Honesty Is The Best Return Policy

    | Michigan, USA | Top

    (A hotel guest called down for seven extra towels night before. I see her leaving the hotel with beach towels and several of ours stuffed in between.)

    Me: “Ma’am… excuse me, ma’am! I think you’ve mistakenly grabbed a few of our towels by mistake.”

    Customer: “No, I haven’t!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, you have. I can see a few with our emblem on them.”

    Customer: “Oh, no! Those are from last time we were here!”

    Me: “Oh…well it was very thoughtful of you to come all this way to return them!”

    (Defeated, she hands me the towels.)

    Customer: “It’s not like you don’t have any extras!”

    Sticky First Dates

    | Detroit, MI, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, but I’m looking for your rubber semen.”

    Me: “Excuse me?!”

    Customer: “You heard right! I need rubber semen.”

    Me: “Um…I’m not entirely sure we carry that here.”

    Customer: “Well, if you have it, it would be over by the glue.”

    Me: “Oh! You meant rubber cement!”

    Customer: “What did you think I meant?”

    Me: “…Semen.”

    Customer: “Oh, no… we wouldn’t be talking about that until we’ve gone out a couple times.”

    Customer V2.0: Now With New & Improved Telepathy

    | Tucson, AZ, USA |

    (The store I work in closes at 10:00 PM. It’s 11:30 pm and I’ve finished closing up shop, so I am about to leave. A customer comes up to the door.)

    Customer: “Hey are you open?”

    Me: “No, we’re closed.”

    Customer: “Okay, but you ARE open, right?”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, we aren’t.”

    Customer: “But I want to buy something.”

    Me: “Sorry, you’ll have to buy it tomorrow.”

    Customer: “Fine! You f*%$ing scumbag!”

    Me: *thinking: what a b****!*

    Customer: “I HEARD THAT!”

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