Featured Story:
  • A Layaway Payaway
    (1,835 thumbs up)
  • Circular Reasoning

    | Germany |

    (A customer in a big SUV pulls up to the pump. When she gets out, she realizes that her gas tank is on the driver’s side but her passenger’s side is facing the pump.)

    Customer: “I bet that’s not gonna work, right?”

    Me: “I don’t think so. You’d better try again.”

    (She gets back in, drives around the same pump, and gets out. Her gas tank is still on the wrong side.)

    Customer: *puzzled* “How come?”

    Me: “Let me help you…”

    Boat, Boat, Boat Your Boat, Gently Down The Stream

    | Jasper, Alberta, Canada |

    Customer: “Hello, sir, I am wondering if you can help me?”

    Me: “Sure, what can I do for you?”

    Customer: “I’m looking to rent a boat.”

    Me: “Sure, what kind would you like?”

    Customer: “A boat.”

    Me: “Yes, sir, but what kind of boat?”

    Customer: *confused* “A boat…”

    Me: “Yes, sir, a boat, but what kind of boat? We have three different kinds.”

    Customer: “A boat boat!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t know what you mean.”

    Customer: “Stupid Canadians! Don’t know what a f***ing boat is!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry. I just don’t understand your question, but I will go down to the docks with you and help you choose your boat.”

    Customer: “Fine!”

    (We walk down to the dock and approach a row boat.)

    Customer: “That’s the one right there. A boat. You see?”

    Me: “Oh, you meant a row boat, sir.”

    Customer: “No, that is a boat boat!”

    Me: “In Canada, it’s called a row boat.”

    Customer: “Jesus, why can’t you Canadians speak regular English like everyone else?!”

    A Customer Without Power Will Make Even Ghosts Cower After The Midnight Hour

    | Oregon, USA |

    (A few weeks before Christmas at the hotel where I worked, a huge snowstorm knocked out the power. I was working night shift when somebody walks into the pitch-black lobby at about 2 in the morning.)

    Customer: “What the h*** is this?! Where are the lights?”

    (Note: I’m hidden in the darkness, although I can see him clearly from the emergency light in the entrance.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Who said that? Oh God, this place is haunted, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Sir, no. I’m behind the counter. We just don’t have emergency lighting back here.”

    Customer: “I don’t believe you!”

    Me: “Yeah…what can I do for you, anyway?”

    Customer: “I want to check in!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but nobody can check in or out until the power’s back on.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** not?!”

    Me: “Well, because the computers can’t run without electricity. This includes the key card initializer. Even if I could check you in by hand, I can’t make you a key to get into the room.”

    Customer: “Well, fix it!”

    Me: “Fix what?”

    Customer: “Fix the power! God!”

    Me: “Sir, half the city is suffering from a power outage right now. I can’t just fix that.”

    Customer: “Sure you can! You’re a ghost! Ghosts turn lights on and off all the time!”

    Me: “Sir, I think it’s in your best interest to find a hotel on the other side of town.”

    Customer: “Fine! I’ll call your manager too, and tell him he shouldn’t be hiring ghosts! You are so unhelpful!” *storms out*

    Not Remotely Intelligent

    , | Texas, USA | Top

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling ***. May I have your phone number, please?”

    Caller: “This thing doesn’t f***ing work!”

    Me: “Sir, I’ll be happy to help you with that.”

    Caller: “Just help me with this f***ing thing!”

    (Eventually, I find out he needs help with a DVD remote.)

    Caller: “The movie doesn’t play! It doesn’t do a f***ing thing!”

    (I hear the crunching of plastic as he tries to push the buttons really hard.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, so you’re pressing the play button and it’s not working. Correct?”

    Caller: “Which one’s the play button?”

    Me: “The one that says ‘play’ above it. It should be in the shape of an arrow that’s pointing to the right.”

    Caller: “I can’t read any of this s***! I don’t have anything like that. There’s just one that points to the left.”

    Me: “Sir, go ahead and turn the remote around.”

    Caller: “What, backwards?”

    Me: “Yes, so that the other side points at the DVD player.”

    Caller: “Oh…it works now!” *click*

    Factual Innuendos

    | Waterloo, IA, USA | Top

    (I’m working as a cashier at a hardware store. A customer comes to my line wearing a floor-length black trench coat, which he is clutching around himself rather suspiciously.)

    Me: “Hello, sir, did you find everything alright today?”

    Customer: “Would you like to see my bird?” *suggestively nods down toward his jacket*

    Me: “Umm, excuse me?”

    Customer: “You know, my bird…

    (He opens one side of his trench coat, only to show that he indeed has a large green parrot hidden in his jacket.)

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “What, is green not your color? No worries!”

    (The customer opens the other side of his trench coat and reveals another large parrot–this one red.)

    Me: *still speechless*

    Page 1,720/2,220First...1,7181,7191,7201,7211,722...Last