Wine & Spirits Of Camraderie

| Kingston, ON, Canada | Food & Drink

(It’s St. Patrick’s Day at my bar. I see a patron who has had too much to drink.)

Me: “I’m sorry, miss, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Patron: “Can I just finish my beer?”

Me: “I can’t let you do that.”

Patron’s friend: “Why are you kicking her out? I’m drunker than she is!”

Me: “Then you can leave, too!”

A Tanner Darkly

| Vancouver Island, BC, Canada | Health & Body

(An elderly man comes to my till. He is obviously tanning a lot, which is something I don’t do because I’m East Indian.)

Me: “Hi! How are you?”

Customer: “Great, thanks.”

Me: “That’s good, and you found everything okay?”

Customer: “Yes, I found everything okay!”

Me: *giggles* “Wow, sir, if you don’t mind my saying…you’re even darker than I am!”

Customer: *chuckles* “Well, I try to tan every moment I get!”

Me: “Ha! Well, whenever I go in the sun, I always wear 60 SPF.”

Customer: “I never wear that sunscreen garbage. Never have, and never will. It causes cancer, you know? Too much of that sunscreen stuff!”

Me: “Okay…well, have a good day. Enjoy the sunshine!”

Customer: “I will! You do the same, darlin’. You’re lookin’ a little pale!”

Meathead In The Making

| Orange County, CA, USA | Food & Drink

(I am a server assistant at a popular 40’s style diner.)

Customer: “Excuse me, there’s something wrong with my burger.”

Me: “What is it?”

Customer: “Well, it doesn’t have a bun.”

Me: “Hmm, what did you order?”

Customer: “The all-natural, low-carb burger.”

Me: “Well, the bun is made of bread which is loaded with carbs. So, if you wanted a low-carb burger, there would be no bun.”

Customer: “Oh…that makes sense now!”

She Puts The Bra In Bravado

| San Diego, CA, USA | Rude & Risque

(I work in a lingerie store. I am standing at the front greeting customers when a woman in a full business suit walks in.)

Me: “Welcome, how can I help you today?”

(She unbuttons her shirt to the waist in order to reveal a ratty bra that is at least five years old.)

Woman: “Yeah, where can I find this bra?”

Me: “Um, I don’t think we carry that style anymore, but I can send you back to the fitting room where they can help you find a nice alternative.”

Woman: *still with her shirt unbuttoned* “Sure, sounds great.”

Me: “Okay, can I get your name and size?”

Woman: “Oh, I can’t remember my size. Just check the back of my bra for me, would you?

(She then begins to take off the rest of her shirt in the front of the store.)

Me: “Let’s just send you back to the fitting room right now…”

Fresh Until Proven Spoiled

| Sydney, Australia | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(A customer comes to the return desk the day after Christmas.)

Customer: “This ham smells off. Smell it. I want a refund.”

Me: “I’m sorry that it was off, sir. I’ll refund you now.”

Customer: “Aren’t you going to smell it?”

Me: “Um…it’s okay. I believe you.”

Customer: “It smells terrible!”

Me: “I’m sure it does, sir, but it’s not necessary for me to smell it. I’ll just give you the refund.”

Customer: “How do you know I’m not lying if you won’t smell it?”

Me: “Sir, I am not going to smell your ham.”

Customer: “SMELL MY HAM!”

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