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    Staring Into Space Bar

    | Piteå, Sweden | Technology, Uncategorized

    (A customer calls in because her computer has been hijacked by malware. After some troubleshooting it is clear that there are no repair options available due to system corruption. We decide on a reinstallation of the operating system.)

    Me: “Before we press the restart button I will explain what will happen. During the reboot a line of white text on a black background will appear stating ‘Press any key’ – the moment you see this line you press space. The most common mistake made by customers is that they feel insecure and ask before pressing which takes too long and we have to restart the computer again. The moment you see ‘Press any key’ I want you to press space. Any questions?”

    Customer: “No, I understand.”

    Me: “Okay, go ahead and press restart then.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    (The customer goes silent for a while.)

    Customer: “So, press any key. Does that mean I can press any key on the keyboard?”

    Me: “Yes, but press the space bar just to be sure since some keys might not register.”

    Customer: “Oh. So that’s the any key! Is that the long button?”

    Me: *pause* “That is correct.”

    Customer: “Ok. Now it says Windows XP and the bars are moving.”

    Me: “So you didn’t press the space bar?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Did you see the text?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. You were talking to me and I panicked!”

    Not The Brightest Bulb In The Box

    | South Carolina, USA | Bizarre, Home Improvement, Uncategorized

    Customer: “I would like to return this flashlight.”

    Me: “What’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “It’s too hard to take apart.”

    Me: “Why did you take it apart?”

    Customer: “I wanted to know if it was easy to take apart.”

    DJ Freud, Featuring The Oedipus Complexes

    | Houston, TX, USA | Family & Kids, Funny Names, Rude & Risque, Uncategorized

    (I work in the beauty department and a customer comes up to me).

    Customer: “I need a face wash for my son that will get rid of the semen on his face.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Are you deaf? He is too oily!”

    Me: “You mean sebum?”

    (The customer turns the brightest shade of red and runs out the store.)

    Happy Hour, Right Day, Wrong Year

    | Minnesota, USA | Uncategorized, Underaged

    Customer: “Is it true that you give out free drinks on people’s birthdays?”

    Me: “It’s true we’ll give you one free drink, yes, but I need to see your ID to confirm it’s your birthday.”

    Customer: *hands over ID*

    Me: “Yeah, it’s your birthday. Pity you can’t legally drink ’til your next one.”

    Pills For Thrills Don’t Work On Tills

    | South Carolina, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Uncategorized

    (A customer comes up to the register angry and acting pretty drunk.)

    Customer: “I bought this purse from you guys, and whenever I go to a store the alarm goes off! You need to fix it!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we’ve removed the sensor when you purchased it. You should be fine. It must be something inside your purse.”

    Customer: “No! It’s the purse! D*** fix it!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you really need to calm down. Our door alarm didn’t go off when you entered the store.”

    Customer: “That’s because it only happens at other stores!”

    Me: “Well, the only other option is to take your purse apart. I don’t think you want to do that. Are you sure you don’t have any prescription drugs or CDs in there? Those can sometimes trigger the alarm.”

    Customer: “I have pills, but they’re not exactly prescription.”

    *awkward silence before the customer realizes what they have said*

    Customer: “F**k you. I’m not going to jail for this!” *storms out*

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