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    Vampires Drink Blood, But It’s The Fans That Bite

    | New York, USA | Top

    (A customer in her late teens approaches me in the bookstore.)

    Customer: “Hey, do you guys sell the Twilight books?”

    Me: “Yes, they’re right over there.”

    Customer: “Have you read them?”

    Me: “Yes, I have.”

    Customer: “Didn’t you just LOVE them?!”

    Me: “Well, actually, they aren’t really my type of book, so–”

    Customer: *suddenly furious* “Are you f***ing serious?! These are the best books ever written! I’m going to tell Edward to come and bite you and drink all your blood!”

    Me: *backing away* “Have a nice day, ma’am…”

    That’s Not The Only Thing She Was Scared Out Of

    | Beaverton, OR, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling *hiccup!* how may I *hiccup!* help you?”

    Customer: *laughing* “Got a problem over there?”

    Me: “Sorry sir, *hiccup!*, I have the hiccups.”

    Customer: “Oh, OK, well…DO YOU WANT ME TO GO OVER THERE AND KILL YOU RIGHT NOW?!”

    Me: “Um…uh…I mean…”

    Customer: “Ha ha ha, I’m just kidding with you. I bet you don’t have the hiccups any more now, huh?”

    When Colloquialisms Meet Capitalism

    | Long Island, NY, USA |

    (I’ve just rung up a customer up for cigarettes.)

    Customer: “I’m gonna zip-zip it.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Zip-zip!”

    Me: “I don’t know what that means.”

    Customer: *getting annoyed* “I’m going to use my zip-zip card!”

    Customer’s Daughter: “Zip-zip? Gosh, Mom! It’s a credit card.”

    Me: “Oooh. You can slide that right over there.” *pointing to the card machine*

    Customer: “Which button do I press? It’s asking me to pick payment type.”

    Me: “…credit?”

    Keep The Paranoia, Keep The Stress

    | Florida, USA |

    (Our tea store hands out free samples in the mall in small two ounce cups to people walking by the store. An older woman walks by one day.)

    Me: “Would you like to try some tea, ma’am?”

    Customer: *smiling* “Why yes! I love tea! What flavors do you have?”

    Me: “Well, I have a relaxing green tea, and…”

    (At this point the woman’s expression changes and she cuts me off mid-sentence, waving her hand in my face.)

    Customer: “Oh forget it! I don’t want to relax! Forget it! You should be ashamed!” *storms off*

    From Lucifer To Lucky

    | Jamestown, NC, USA | Top

    (I’ve just rung up a customer’s items at the grocery store.)

    Me: “That will be $6.66, sir.”

    Customer:“Wait a minute!”

    (The customer proceeds to frantically search the candy displays. He comes back with a handful of various candies and a soda.)

    Customer: “Okay, now ring these up, because that is bad omen!”

    Me: “Your new total is…$7.77!

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