How To Create Characters

| Bluefield, WV, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer calls in to make a payment with his credit card. He is an older man, and is obviously having trouble reading the numbers.)

Customer: “Let’s see. 1, H–”

Me: “Sir? Did you say H?”

Customer: “Yeah. H, 8–”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. There are no letters in a credit card number.”

Customer: “Yeah there are. 1, H, 8, L…”

(I try, just in case. I receive an error as soon as I type in the letter.)

Me: “I’m terribly sorry, sir. It won’t accept letters.”

Customer: “Well try again! 1, H, 8, L, 6…”

*long pause*

Customer: “Oh! I have this thing up-side-down!”

Welcome To The Expiration Generation

| NE, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer is paying by credit card over the telephone.)

Me: “And the expiration date of the card?”

Customer: “3 of 11.”

Me: “So, it’s expired then?”

Customer: “Why, is that a problem?”

This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 15

| Hermitage, PA, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer comes in to pay her [retail store] card bill.)

Me: “Okay, so there is a late fee of $35, and the amount due on the total balance is $103. You’re paying $35. Thank you for your payment, ma’am. Just to let you know, you still have a minimum payment of $68 that was due 4 days ago. You may incur another $35 late fee.”

Customer: “What do you mean? I’ve been paying $35 every month because that’s what it says on the slip.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am. If you look here, it says that the late fee is $35 and the amount due for you to pay is $103 by this date. That date was 4 days ago.”

Customer: “So, what do I do now? They want me to pay that?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. They would like for you to.”

Customer: “Okay. Well, can I make the payment with my [retail store] card?”

Related:
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 14
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 13
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 12

Immersed In His Complaint

| Hermitage, PA, USA | Top

(I am ringing out a customer who is buying a pair of swimming trunks.)

Me: “Thank you for your purchase, sir. As a reminder of the return policy, you have 90 days to return it with the receipt as long as the tags are still attached.”

Customer: “That’s okay. I’m going to a beach party later so I need them.”

Me: “Okay. Well, have a good time. Thanks again, and have a nice day.”

(The next day, the customer returns with the swimming trunks. The tag is still on them, but mostly disintegrated from water. The trunks smell of chlorine.)

Me: “Hi again! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I need to return these.”

Me: “Oh, is there something wrong with them?”

Customer: “No. I just don’t need them anymore.”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry but these can’t be returned.”

Customer: “Well, why the h*** not!? Yesterday, you said they could be returned as long as the tags were still on them.”

Me: “Yes, sir. But having the tag on them generally implies that they haven’t been worn.”

Customer: “This is b***s***! I would like to see your manager immediately.”

Me: “Absolutely, sir.”

(The manager comes over.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

(The customer goes through the same story. He leaves in a rage, screaming that he’s going to give us bad reviews. The next day a survey report comes in. All sections are given one star out of five. The comment section reads, ‘Stupid clerk told me I could return my swimming trunks as long as the tags were still on them. I didn’t take the tags off when I wore it, but she wouldn’t return it, and accused me of wearing it. Like she knows what I did with it. Maybe I spilled water on the tags by mistake. She couldn’t know. Only I know I wore it–not that d*** clerk.’)

This Customer Has A Latte Problems

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer walks in. She is a regular so I know her order.)

Me: “Good morning. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Hey. Uh…”

Me: “Did you want your latte?”

Customer: *shocked* “You know I want a latte? Yeah. I do.”

Me: “Large, two shot soy latte, with sugar-free almond, right?”

Customer: *more shocked* “What do I get? Do you have soy?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “I only want two shots. With soy.”

Me: “Right, yes. And sugar-free almond.”

Customer: “Do you have sugar-free almond, or the regular almond?”

Me: “Both.”

Customer: *appears confused* “What do I get? Soy and almond, with two shots?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Let me start making that for you.”

(I make the latte and hand it to her. She takes a sip. She now appears extremely bewildered.)

Customer: “Is this soy?”

Me: “Yes. With two shots. And sugar-free almond.”

Customer: “Okay. Right. Good.”

(She leaves. She comes back.)

Me: “Hello again. Everything all right with your coffee?”

Customer: “Uh. What? Can I get a large two-shot latte with, um…what do I get?”

(This customer does this every time she comes in.)

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