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    The Fourth Is Not Strong With This One

    | Traverse City, MI, USA | Top, Tourists/Travel

    Me: “Thank you for calling the [hotel]. How may I direct your call?”

    Customer: *in a British accent* “I need a room for tonight.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we are booked.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “It’s the 4th of July. We’re always booked on the 4th.”

    Customer: “I know the date! Why are you booked?”

    Me: “Um, it’s July 4th.”

    Customer: “Listen, just give me a room!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we are sold out. The entire town is sold out.”

    Customer: “The entire town? Why?”

    Me: “Sir, it’s the 4th of July. Independence day.”

    Customer: “Independence from what?”

    Me: “Um, England.”

    Customer: “Oh bloody h***!” *click*

    Death Becomes Her

    | Newfoundland, Canada |

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. Did you find everything you were looking for today?”

    Customer: “Yes, yes. Sure is busy here.”

    Me: “I guess that’s because of the season, ma’am. Everyone’s out getting last-minute holiday gifts.”

    Customer: “Oh, I see, yes. I haven’t needed to buy any gifts for a while. Everyone I love is dead.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that!”

    Customer: *stares at me intently* “Someday, everyone you love will be dead, too.”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Merry Christmas, now!”

    Clarissa Kent To The Rescue

    | Tennessee, USA |

    (Note: These are very frequent customers of ours.)

    Me: “Hey Mr.***. How’re you guys doing tonight?”

    Customer: “Um, hi…uh…do you by any chance have a twin?”

    Me: “A twin? No. Why?”

    Customer: “It’s just that there’s a girl who works here and usually serves us. She looks just like you, but she wears glasses.”

    Me: “Oh, that is me. I just took my glasses off.”

    Customer: “No! It’s not you, I know you’re her twin! She always has glasses on! Is she here tonight? I want her to serve us. I don’t know you.”

    Me: “Um, yeah, sure. Hang on…”

    (I go in back, put on my glasses, and come back to their table.)

    Me: “Hey Mr.***, how’re you guys doing tonight?”

    Customer: “Oh ***, there you are! We we just met your twin! Why didn’t you ever tell us?”

    Related:
    Bad Customer Tip #103: Pull A Clark Kent

    Ah, Mothers, Part 3

    | Morristown, TN, USA |

    (A customer comes in with a friend to translate for her, since she does not speak very good English.)

    Me: “Hello, how may I help you today?”

    Customer: “Hello. You remember me?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t. I see a lot of people every day.”

    Customer: “Well, you remember my daughter, right?”

    Me: “No, I don’t…sorry. Is she with you?”

    Customer: “No, but you two would look good together!”

    Me: *laughing* “I’m sorry, but I’m engaged.”

    Customer: “You gay? I sorry! Sorry!”

    Customer’s friend: *translating* “No, he said engaged.”

    Customer: “Oh, you getting married. Well she no care if you married. She very pretty, and tall!”

    Related:
    Ah, Mothers, Part 2
    Ah, Mothers

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    In Soviet America, Product Buys You

    | Canada |

    Me: “Hey there, can I help you out?”

    Customer: “Were these products on Oprah?”

    Me: “Yes, they’ve been featured.”

    Customer: “Celebrities use them, right? So they must be really expensive…like $500 a pop or something, right?”

    Me: “No, not at all. This one here only costs $40 before tax, and none of the products exceed $150.”

    Customer: “So, when the celebrities buy them, they only cost $40?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “And when regular people buy them, they only cost $40?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    (A moment of silence passes as the customer glares at me.)

    Customer: “COMMUNIST!”

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