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    Thank You For Calling Planet Of The Apes

    , | Columbus, OH, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hello?”

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hello?”

    Customer: “Hey Jon, check this out! The machine says hello back when I say hello!”

    Me: “I’m not a machine, sir.”

    Customer: “OH MY GOD, IT’S ADDRESSING ME!”

    Me: “No, sir, I’m not a machine!”

    Customer: “Oh… so you’re one of them human peoples?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, I am a human peoples.”

    Think Before You Ink

    | Indiana, USA |

    (A customer paying by check tries to use the stylus from the debit machine to fill out her check.)

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but that’s not a real pen.”

    (I reach into my pocket to give her a real one, but she continues “writing” with the stylus.)

    Me: “Ma’am? That’s not a real pen.”

    (She stops and shakes the stylus to get the ink flowing.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you can’t use that to write with.”

    (She continues shaking the stylus and trying to write.)

    Me: “That’s not a pen!”

    Customer: “Hey, this pen doesn’t work!”

    Me: *giving up* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I forgot to put ink in those pens this morning…” hands her the real pen* “…here, use this.”

    Customer: “Thanks!”

    Wake Me When You’re Smarter

    | Florida, USA |

    Customer: “My internet is not working.”

    Me: “I can help you with that. Are the lights on your modem lit?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Good, is the one labeled ‘online’ blinking?”

    Customer: “I don’t have a light like that, but it does have the time.”

    Me: “The…time?”

    Customer: “Yes, and there’s a button labeled snooze!”

    An Inconvenient Convenience

    | Cape Cod, MA, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I just got my statement in the mail and it says at the bottom to call this number for questions?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s right.”

    (A long pause follows.)

    Customer: “OK, so…what are the questions?”

    Me: “No ma’am, that’s in case you had any questions about your statement that you wanted to ask us.”

    Customer: “Oh OK, good. Because I really don’t have the time to be answering your questions.”

    Right Next Door But Worlds Away

    | Idaho, USA |

    (I had just finished taking an order for a customer. My parents are from Germany, so I have a slight accent.)

    Me: “That will be $10.87, ma’am. Anything else for you?”

    Customer: “You have a a very neat accent, miss. Where are you from?”

    Me: “I was born in Colorado, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Wow, really? What language do they speak there?”

    Me: “…”

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