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  • It Was All Just A Blur

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    Me: “Alright, ma’am, have had any accidents or violations in the last three years?”

    Customer: “I don’t know.”

    Me: “Well, do you remember getting pulled over for any reason?”

    Customer: “I already told you, I don’t know. Now, how much is the insurance?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but before I could know what the rate is, I have to know what your driving history is.”

    Customer: “What does it matter? Just throw on a speeding ticket or two and call it a day!”

    Me: “Okay. I can do that, but just keep in mind that the quote is only based on the information you provide. If your motor vehicle record comes back different, that could drastically affect the rate.”

    Customer: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it?”

    Me: “It comes out to $106 a month.”

    Customer: “Fine! I’ll take it.”

    (I then go to run the reports since she is ready to purchase the policy and find out she has had 2 DUIs in the past 3 years, 2 speeding tickets, one accident, and a suspended license.

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the rate is now $486 a month. I would have been able to give you a more accurate quote if I knew about the DUIs.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, I thought you just meant speeding tickets. I didn’t realize that DUIs counted. I mean, I wasn’t even speeding when I got them!”

    One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s Pleasure

    | Colorado Springs, CO, USA |

    (A few years ago, a particular game went through a scandal for having hidden pornographic content.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to trade in this game.”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, I can’t take this game.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because it’s undergoing a rating change. We’ve sent all of our existing copies back to the company.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s dumb. What’s it being changed to?”

    Me: “AO, or Adults Only.”

    Customer: “Woah. Why?”

    Me: “Because there’s a pornographic mini-game hidden in the coding.”

    Customer: “So, you’re telling me there’s porn in my game?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    (Suddenly, another customer behind him speaks up.)

    Another customer “If you don’t want it, can I have it?”

    The Beginnings Of A Three Hour Cruise

    | Baton Rouge, LA, USA |

    (A man in fishing boots has been standing at our bookstore’s help counter for fifteen minutes. Every time someone comes to ask for an item, the man interrupts me and “helps” the customer find whatever they are looking for.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, ma’am. I’m trying to find a cookbook with vegan recipes and I was wondering if you could give me some titles?”

    Me: “Well, we have several titles by Isa Chandra Moskowitz–”

    Fisherman: “Vegans? What the h*** are vegans?!”

    Me: “People who don’t eat any sort of animal product. Honey, gelatin, that sort of–”

    Fisherman: “D***ed intellectuals don’t know anything about eatin’! Vegans are those folks who go fishin’ by throwin’ a car battery over the side of the boat! I KNOW where THOSE books are, and I’LL SHOW YA!”

    (He grabs the customer by the hand and drags her off down an aisle. I didn’t see either of them again, which worries me to this day.)

    Ix Nay On The Eesh Squeesh

    | Fort Collins, CO, USA |

    Me: “Do you want anything else with your sandwich?”

    Customer: “Peppers, olives, and eesh squeesh.”

    Me: “…Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Peppers, olives, eesh squeesh.”

    Me: “Eesh squeesh? ”

    Customer: “Yeah, eesh squeesh. Right there.” *points at the onions*

    Me: “You mean onions?”

    Customer: “Yeah, eesh squeesh.”

    A Sticky Problem

    | United Kingdom |

    Caller: “I have been asked to send in documents to get this loan. I want to know if I can have it or not.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll go and find out for you…”

    (I pull up the caller’s account and look at the documents he sent in: the passport was hand drawn. It even had a stick man where the photo should be.)

    Me: “Sir your loan has been rejected due to your documents being…uh…tampered with.”

    Caller: *hangs up*

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