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    Urine Way Over Your Head, Part 2

    | San Antonio, TX, USA |

    (I worked for a large electronics chain as a repair tech. An older man came up to the counter with a 42″ TV.)

    Customer: “I need to have this TV replaced. I bought it yesterday and it made a ‘buzz’ sound and won’t turn on anymore.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. I just need to verify what’s wrong with the TV and then we can look swapping it out for you, if you have your receipt.”

    (I walk over to the TV and notice an odd aroma lingering near it.)

    Me: “Did your TV come into contact with any liquid, sir?”

    Customer: “No…wait–does pee count as liquid?”

    Constructive Criticism For The Music Industry

    | Massachusetts, USA | Top

    Me: “Hi, welcome to **** Music, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m having a little trouble with this CD.” *holds up a Carrie Underwood CD*

    Me: “All right, what’s the problem with it?”

    Customer: “Well, I was listening to that song, you know, ‘Before He Cheats’.”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “Well, the lyrics don’t really make sense in one part.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Well, you see, she says, ‘I may have saved a little trouble for the next girl, because the next time that he cheats, you know it won’t be on me’.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “You see, she hasn’t really helped the next girl at all. She’s saying he’ll cheat again, and that it won’t be on her, so it’ll be on the next girl! That next girl isn’t being helped at all!”

    Me: “…so there’s nothing wrong with the CD itself?”

    Customer: “The lyrics don’t make any sense at all!”

    Me: “Ma’am, if the CD itself plays correctly, then…”

    Customer: “Well, I’m saying it DOESN’T play correctly! The words are wrong!”

    Me: “Ma’am, there’s nothing I can do to change the lyrics of a song.”

    Customer: “Can’t you just call her up, and make her change them? I mean, really, it’s in her best interest, since her song would make more sense, and more people would buy it that way!”

    Me: “Ma’am, let me be sure I’m understanding you. You want me to somehow call Carrie Underwood, and have her change the lyrics to her song, which has sold millions of copies, because you don’t approve.”

    Customer: “Exactly! I knew someone would understand. The other store I went to didn’t help at all!”

    Me: “Ma’am, are you saying that, not only is the actual CD playing without skips, and the disk is not scratched, but that you bought it somewhere else?”

    Customer: “Well, yes. So, can you call her?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I can not.”

    (The customer refused to understand that I could not, in fact, change the lyrics, and spent another 10 minutes trying to explain why she was upset.)

    Great Game Until The Tornado Stole Home

    | Manchester, NH, USA |

    Customer: *on the phone and angry* “HOW DARE YOU RUN AN EMERGENCY ALERT DURING THE RED SOX GAME?! BASES LOADED!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry for the inconvenience. We have no control over the emergency alerts.”

    Customer: “CAN’T THEY DO IT AT NIGHT?! I’M TRYING TO WATCH THE GAME! BASES ARE LOADED!”

    Me: “Again, ma’am, unfortunately the emergency alert will broadcast during an emergency situation; we have no control over when that will happen.

    Customer: “WELL YOU BETTER GET SOME CONTROL OVER IT!” *click*

    On The Bright Side, There Are Worse Orifices

    | Roswell, GA, USA |

    Me: “*** Pharmacy, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, your medicine is defective.”

    Me: “Sir, why don’t I get your information so I can take a look at your profile.”

    Customer: *gives his name and date of birth*

    Me: “I see that the last prescriptions you filled were antibiotic and drops for your ear infection. Are your symptoms still bothering you?”

    Customer: “Yes, and how the h*** do you expect me to fit this giant pill in my ear?”

    Me: “Sir, that’s an antibiotic tablet. It’s meant to be taken orally.”

    Foolish As A Second Language

    | Thorofare, NJ, USA | Top

    Me: “Good afternoon, I’m from [collections agency]. Is **** available to speak?”

    Young girl: “Sure, hold on one second.”

    (A few moments later…)

    Client: “Hello?”

    Me: “Good afternoon, sir. I’m making a courtesy call on behalf of [credit card company] about the overdue balance on the account you have with them.”

    Client: “What?”

    Me: “You currently owe $3,800.00, but you haven’t made a payment in 6 months. I’m calling to see if you’re having trouble paying the bill. I can also help you set up a payment plan to make it easier for you to handle the payments.”

    Client: “NO HABLO ESPA√ëOL!”

    Me: “Sir, that’s why I’m speaking to you in English.”

    Client: “Huh?”

    Me: “You just said, ‘I don’t speak Spanish’.”

    (There’s a bit of a pause while he digests what I’ve said.)

    Client: “…What do I owe again?”

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