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    Cigarettes Are His Achilles Heel

    | New Bedford, MA, USA | Uncategorized

    (A customer walks in, limping badly. His foot seems to be dragging lifelessly.)

    Me: “Are you alright, sir?”

    Customer: “No, I just shattered my ankle.”

    Me: “Do you want me to call you an ambulance?”

    Customer: “No, I just need a pack of smokes.”

    Polymorphic Pleasantries

    | Adelaide, Australia | Uncategorized

    (I am calling a Housing Trust tenant to arrange a new time for us to re-glaze her shower screen. The maintenance centre has just called to say this particular elderly lady has several doctor’s appointments. These conflict with her original appointment time.)

    Me: “Hello. This is [name] from [glazing business]. How are you?”

    Tenant: *chirpily* “Oh, terrible. It’s this blasted weather, you know.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

    Tenant: “That’s alright, love. How are you anyway?”

    Me: “Alright, thank you. I agree with you about the weather, though. Anyway, I was just calling about–”

    Tenant: “Oh, yes. I am all dizzy, and my head hurts. And it doesn’t help that I’m allergic to the sun.”

    Me: “That must be very frustrating. I just spoke to–”

    Tenant: “And I’m polymorphic! If I go outside and change form, they’ll get me!”

    Me: “That’s not a good situation to be in at all. Anyway, I understand you’ll be going into hospital on Tuesday morning. We need to change your appointment time. Is–”

    Tenant: “I hope I win the $20mil in the lottery this weekend. Then I can move to Tasmania. Oh, the weather in Tasmania! I hear it’s beautiful and cool over there. Not like here!”

    Me: “Yes, I’ve heard that too.”

    Tenant: “Oh, you’ve been there? What’s it like?”

    Me: “No, but I do have it on good authority that it is definitely cold.”

    Tenant: “Oh, good. I hate being in this pension house. If I win this weekend, I will move to Tasmania and get rid of the pension. They can’t get me there, because it’s over the strait.”

    Me: “It would be wonderful if you did win. Can we come Tuesday afternoon to fix your shower screen?”

    Tenant: “Hang on darling, I’m blind.” *papers shuffle* “Sure, love. I’ll be home from the hospital by then.”

    Me: “Fantastic. It was lovely talking to you!”

    Tenant: “And to you, dear! When I win this weekend, you can have a share.”

    Me: “That’s very kind of you. Have a lovely weekend!”

    Tenant: “You too, dear.” *hangs up*

    How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse

    , | Allentown, PA, USA | Technology, Top

    (I work engineering support late in the evening.)

    Me: “Pennsylvania Support Center. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “The cleaning crew just came through my office, and now my mouse doesn’t work. The cursor just jumps all over the screen randomly when I move it. They broke my mouse. I need a new one.”

    Me: “You have a SPARCstation with an optical mouse, correct?”

    Caller: “Yes, with the cool glass mouse-pad.”

    (Old-school optical mice used to require special reflective mouse-pads with grids etched into their surfaces. To increase tracking resolution, the vertical and horizontal grids had slightly different spacing.)

    Me: “Did the cleaning crew wipe down your desk?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Did they move your mouse-pad?”

    Caller: “What does that have to do with anything?”

    Me: “Did your mouse-pad get rotated? Is the long edge of the mouse-pad now parallel to the edge of your desk?”

    Caller: “I really don’t see why that’s relevant. I just want a new mouse!”

    Me: “The orientation of the mouse-pad matters. The–”

    (The caller cuts me off and starts to yell. I realize that I can actually hear his voice coming from down the hall.)

    Caller: “Listen! Just open a ticket and have someone bring me a new mouse. I don’t have time for this. I design chips, so I know what I’m talking about. I probably designed the chip in the phone you’re stuck answering all day!”

    (I take off my headset, walk down the hall, and walk into his office up to his desk.)

    Caller: “…so don’t try to bulls*** me with, oh. Hold on, someone is in my office.”

    (I reach down, and rotate his mouse-pad 90 degrees. I move the mouse, and the cursor happily moves around the screen as expected. I walk out of his office, back down the hall, sit down at my desk, and put my headset back on.)

    Caller: *silence*

    Me: “Thank you for calling Pennsylvania Support Center. I trust I have resolved your case.”

    Caller: *silence*

    Me: “You will be receiving your ticket number via email. Thank you.”

    Caller: *click*

    Not The Brightest Spark In The Firework Display

    | CA, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Mae speaking. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want to come down and stay at your hotel. I want to stay when the Fourth of July fireworks go off. Do you know when that is?”

    Me: “On the…Fourth of July?”

    Customer: “But, that’s on a Tuesday. We want to come on the weekend.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, the Fourth of July fireworks show always goes off on the Fourth of July.”

    Customer: *sternly* “Well, I guess you just lost business, didn’t you?!” *click*

    The Boy Wailed When He Saw The Orca

    | Conception Bay South, NF, Canada | Uncategorized

    (A young boy approaches the counter.)

    Boy: “Do you have any blow up sharks? I want to scare my friends at day camp.”

    (I look through our blow up water toys. I find one, but in order to get to it I have to take several packages off the hook. In doing so, the boy sees the blow up toy in front of the one I am aiming for. He looks at me, dumbfounded.)

    Boy: “THAT is not a shark. THAT is an orca.”

    Me: “I was aiming to get the toy behind it, and–”

    Boy: *holds up his hands* “Never mind!” *storms off*

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