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    Do Not Mix: Empty Threats & Loaded Barrels

    | San Bernardino, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Hello, I’m looking to get a handgun like this one.”

    (The customer holds up a picture from the movie ‘Wanted’.)

    Me: “All righty, we’ll have to order that one for you, but we can have it to you in a few weeks.”

    Customer: “WHAT?! I NEED THE GUN BY NEXT WEEK! CAN’T YOU GET ME THE GUN BY NEXT WEEK?!”

    Me: “You’ll have to deal with the waiting period, anyway. What exactly do you need it for so quickly?”

    Customer: *suddenly calm again* “Me and my friend are going to curve a bullet around his head for a YouTube video.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t sell you a gun then. All you’ll do is kill your buddy and go to jail.”

    Customer: “YOU’RE GOING TO GET ME THE GUN, OR I’M GOING TO TALK TO THE MANAGER!”

    (The manager, who was in the room behind the counter, walks out with a shotgun on his shoulder.)

    Manager: “You’re in my store, where I have literally hundreds of guns and thousands of rounds of ammunition. Are you really that stupid?”

    (The customer looks around at the guns like he hadn’t noticed them before, and runs out of the store as my co-worker walks up.)

    Co-worker: “I love working here.”

    Small Fish In A Small Pond

    | Malmoe, Sweden | Top

    (Note: I’m waiting to board a delayed flight with one of Europe’s cheapest and largest airlines.)

    Hostess: “Welcome to flight *** from Malmoe to Dublin. Those of you with seating numbers 1 through 35, please go to line one. Those of you with seating numbers 36 and up, please go to line two. If any of you are traveling with small children or checked in online, please go to the counter and you will be let on board before we start boarding the other passengers.”

    (A group of businessmen, about 35-55 years old and in suits, walk to the counter and cut in front of a family with very young children.)

    Hostess: “Well, I can see you didn’t check in online, so you’ll have to stand in line. The first line is for early seating numbers; the second line is for la–”

    Businessman #1: “Oh, come on… can’t you make an exception? We’re already standing here and all.”

    Businessman #2: “You only have to board us and we’re done!”

    Hostess: “No, you’ll have to wait in turn, just like everyone else. The lines start over there.”

    Businessman #2: “But I always get to board the plane first!”

    Hostess: “You’re not a family with children and you didn’t check in over the internet, so you’ll have to stand in line.”

    Businessman #2: *very angrily* “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!”

    Hostess: “No, but you can’t be that important if you’re traveling with us.”

    Businessman #2: *quietly retreats to the back of the line with his buddies*

    A Chance To Play God

    | Acton, MA, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I’m going to the temple today, and I need to get some flowers.”

    Me: “Okay, do you want fresh cut flowers or a potted plant?”

    Customer: “A potted plant. Tell me, what color do you think God would like today?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Last week I got yellow flowers and I think God liked them, but He might want something else today.”

    Me: “Um, I’m pretty sure God is in the mood for red right now.”

    Customer: “Excellent. Do you think He wants roses or azaleas?”

    Me: “…”

    Gettin’ Schooled, Kindergarten Style

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (Our station accepts certain gas coupons which require that the gas be pumped first, and then paid for inside the store. I’ve already instructed this customer to select “pay inside” at the pump before returning to me for the discount.)

    Customer: “Alright, I’ve put $42 in my car.” *gives me the coupons*

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I needed you to select the pay inside option at the pump, and it seems that you have used your credit card outside. My computer system will not authorize this discount.”

    Customer: “What!? You told me to pump my gas first!”

    Me: “Yes, but you needed to select the pay inside option like I instructed.”

    Customer: “So you won’t give me my discount?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but there is no way for me to ring it up. These coupons never expire, so you can hang on to it and feel free to use it next time.”

    Customer: “This is outrageous! You are a poopy face mister! You’re grounded!” *storms out*

    The Store, My Friend, Is Blowing In The Wind

    | Florida, USA |

    Customer: *on the phone* “I’ve been trying to order a book from your store in Palm Harbor for the last two days, but they never pick up the phone!”

    Me: “OK, what number are you calling?”

    (The customer gives me the number and I check our records. She has been calling the right number.)

    Customer: “I’ve been calling and calling and they never, EVER answer! It’s so unprofessional! I need you to contact them for me.”

    Me: “Well, to be honest, if they never pick up for you, they’re not going to pick up for me either, but I’ll see if our manager has a suggestion.”

    Customer: “Well, obviously you should try calling on the employee line!”

    Me: “We don’t have that, ma’am. We call each other’s stores with the same numbers you’re using.”

    Customer: “When you get through to them, tell them I want them to order this item…”

    (The customer gives me all the book information and her phone number, then proceeds to complain about how frustrated and angry she is about our company’s terrible attitude. I talk to my district manager, who gives me some very important news. I relay the following to this woman’s answering machine…)

    Me: “Hello, I’m calling you back about the item you wanted ordered from another store in our chain. Unfortunately, we’ve just found out that our Palm Harbor store was blown away in the recent hurricane. I’m sure this is why they’re not answering their phone. Please give us a call back any time, and let us know if we can assist you further. Have a nice day!”

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