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    Extramarital Appliances

    | Freehold, NJ, USA |

    Customer: “Could you show me how to use my phone?”

    Me: “Um…sure. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “Well, I’ve been told these new phones come with voice control features. Is that true?”

    Me: “Yes sir, just hold the home button to activate the voice control feature.”

    Customer: “That’s it? That’s so easy!” *customer picks up the phone* “Call…my wife.”

    (Nothing happens.)

    Customer: “Why isn’t it calling my wife?”

    Me: “Do you have her listed in your phone book as your wife?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Yeah. I’m pretty sure the phone isn’t going to know who you’re married to.”

    Every (Bad) Crowd Has A Silver Lining

    | Kansas, USA | Top

    (When I was in college, I used to work in the cafeteria. On this day, two girls are making fun of a third.)

    Mean Girl #1: “Oooooh, a hamburger? So much for that diet.”

    Mean Girl #2: “Are you kidding? She’s never been on a diet in her life!”

    (The third girl who they are talking to is, for the record, very nice looking.)

    Girl #3: *taken aback* “I…I worked out today. I need the protein.”

    Me: “Come on, leave her alone. She can eat whatever she wants!”

    Mean Girl #1: “Yeah, I guess you don’t have to worry about what you eat if you’re already fat and ugly!”

    (One of my coworkers has been listening from a distance. He walks over, looks all three girls up and down, and then turns to the third.)

    Coworker: “Excuse me, miss, but do you think I could get your phone number?”

    Girl #3: “Are you serious?”

    Coworker: “Completely! Who wouldn’t want a date with a beautiful girl who knows how to take care of herself?”

    (This was five years ago. I’m going to be the best man at their wedding.)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Cash For Baby Bumpers

    | Sterling, VA, USA |

    (I hear glass shattering from the back of the store, near the wine department. As I head to the source of the sound, I hear a second shatter and see a small child in a cart reaching for a third wine bottle to pull off the rack. There’s no sign of a parent around.)

    Me: “Stop that!”

    (I grab the cart and pull it away from the wine racks. Suddenly, the absent parent shows up.)

    Customer: “How dare you touch that cart! My child is in that cart! How dare you touch my child without my permission!”

    Me: “Ma’am, your child has broken 2 bottles of wine and was about to break a third bottle. I just saved you another $12.99.”

    Customer: “Saved me? You’re the one trying to kidnap my child!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you already owe me $26 for what happened when you were not watching your own child.”

    Customer: “If you’re going to charge me money for bringing my child into the store, I should just let you take him!”

    Home Improvement, P.I.

    | Cedar Rapids, IA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “I need a garage door.”

    Me: “Okay, our garage doors are back in the millwork department.”

    Customer: “No! I don’t need a garage door.”

    Me: “Alright…what is it that you need?”

    Customer: “I need a garage door!”

    Me: “All of our garage door stuff is back in millwork.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want a garage door!”

    Me: “Is this a door inside your garage?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well, all of our doors are going to be back in millwork as well.”

    Customer: “BUT I DON’T NEED A GARAGE DOOR!”

    Me: “Well, then what is it that you are looking for?”

    Customer: “I need a garage door.”

    (Hearing the commotion, a coworker shows up.)

    Coworker: “Ma’am, what does this item do that you are looking for?”

    Customer: “It does this…” *makes a slow opening motion with hand*

    Me: “So is it on the door inside your garage?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well, what does it do?”

    Customer: “It does this…” *makes same hand motion*

    Coworker: “What exactly does this do?”

    Customer: “It keeps the wind out.”

    Me: “Okay…is it weather stripping?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Coworker: “Does it keep the door shut?”

    Customer: “Yes. I think it’s a spring!”

    (Mystery solved!)

    Identity Crisis

    | United Kingdom |

    Customer: “Hi, I want 20 Marlboros.”

    Me: “Do you have any ID at all?”

    (The customer lifts his right sleeve on his t-shirt to reveal a tattoo of a date.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t accept that.”

    Customer: “Why not? That’s my f***ing date of birth! You think I‚Äôd just get some random date done on my arm?”

    Me: “We need photo ID, sir, like a driver’s license or a passport.”

    (The customer points at his face.)

    Me: “Umm…”

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