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    Butthead, The Incontinence Years

    | Loveland, CO, USA |

    (I notice a customer is standing in front of a freezer. After remaining there for several minutes, I get concerned.)

    Me: “Sir, can I help you?”

    (At this point, I notice that he’s urinated in the freezer. The customer turns around, zips up his fly, and then pulls his shirt over his head.)

    Customer: “I AM CORNHOLIO! I NEED TP FOR ME BUNGHOLE!” *runs away*

    Coworker: “They don’t pay us enough for this.”

    Betsy Ross 2.0

    | Pleasant Hill, CA, USA | Top

    (A customer has been staring doubtfully at one of our wall maps of the United States. I witness him frowning speculatively and then counting each state slowly.)

    Me: “Sir, can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “It seems your map of the U.S. is out of date. There aren’t enough states.”

    Me: “Hmm. That’s odd. Let me see.”

    (I examine the map, but can find nothing amiss.)

    Me: “Nope, it looks perfect to me. Is there something I’m missing?”

    Customer: “Yeah, there’s only fifty states on this map.”

    Me: “That’s correct.”

    Customer: “But there are fifty-two states. Alaska and Hawaii were fifty-one and fifty-two. They’re on the map; I just can’t figure out which ones are missing…”

    Me: “…none of them are missing, sir. The United States has only fifty states. Look, we have flags too. For every state, there’s a star.”

    (He proceeds to count every star on the flag. In disgust, he puts the flag away.)

    Customer: “Your flags are out of date too! I’m telling you there are fifty-two states in the USA! You need to update your merchandise and learn about your country!” *storms out*

    Jingle H*lls

    | Minnesota, USA |

    (An older woman and her husband approach me during the Christmas season.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a baby Jesus for my nativity scene.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. We’re currently out of baby Jesus.”

    Customer: *to husband* “You hear that?! They’re all out of d*** baby Jesuses!”

    Haute Cuisine In A Value Meal

    | Manitoba, Canada |

    Me: *in the drive-thru* “Hello, welcome to ****. What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “Yes, hi, I was just wondering, what are your apple slices?”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I don’t understand the question. Are you asking for the price?”

    Customer: “No, I want to know what they are. On the menu it says ‘apple slices’. What are they?”

    Me: “They’re…slices of apple, sir.”

    Customer: “That’s it?”

    Me: “Yes sir.”

    Customer: “Oh. I thought maybe they were something fancier than that. Never mind.”

    The Building Block(heads) Of Life

    | Durham, NC, USA |

    Customer: “I’m looking for some school books.”

    Me: “Alright, what sort of books are you looking for?”

    Customer: *sigh* “Some chemistry guides, I guess.”

    Me: “Alright, let’s head over and look at a few different guides.”

    (I take her to the chemistry section of the bookstore.)

    Customer: “I’m just not excited to be taking this course.”

    Me: “Are you’re worried that it will be too difficult?”

    Customer: “Oh, no! I just don’t want to be forced to learn about something I don’t believe in.”

    Me: “Er…sorry? What’s your degree program?”

    Customer: “I’m in vet school. I’ve already done all of my bio classes, and i really loved them, but I’m really not interested in learning about chemicals and how they harm the Earth and stuff.”

    Me: “That’s not really what chemistry is about, you know.”

    Customer: “What do you mean? Just look at the name: CHEM-istry. Like, CHEM-ical. As in, harmful to all life!”

    Me: “But you said you enjoyed your biology courses, so why not your chemistry? They’re both really important sciences, especially for your major.”

    Customer: “I just don’t get why I have to learn about chemicals and stuff! biology is different – that’s Mother Nature! Not some science that was made up in a lab.”

    Me: “Well, think about what life is, when you break it down. What helps build life?”

    Customer: “Biology.”

    Me:” Right! Back up some now.”

    Customer: “…Atoms?”

    Me: “Now come back up a bit. After atoms, but before biology.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “Chemistry! What happens when different atoms come together? Chemical reactions. That’s all part of chemistry. You can’t have biology without chemistry – it’s a natural part of life.”

    Customer: *brightens up* “I had no idea! Now I can’t wait to take chemistry!”

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