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    Children Should Come With A Manual… Or A Hot Line

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Me: *on the phone* “Thank you for calling ****, my name is ****. How can I assist you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need some help. My son just shot my TV.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Yeah – he was playing around with a BB gun and shot the center of the TV. It’s dead. I need to know what to do.”

    Me: “Well, unfortunately, sir… that’s not something that’s covered under warranty.”

    Customer: “Oh, obviously. I know that, but I need to know what to do.”

    Me: “I can get you the number of a repair shop near you…”

    Customer: “No, I need to know what to do to my son. He shot my f***ing TV. What do I do? Ground him? Spank him?”

    Me: “… unfortunately that’s not something I can assist you with, sir.”

    Customer: “Oh. Right. Well, I thought I would try anyway.”

    Living On The Edge Of Anaphylactic Shock

    | Columbia, MO, USA |

    (A woman was looking intently at our display case of cookies.)

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “What kind of cookies do you have?”

    Me: “Well, right now we have lemon drop and peanut butter chocolate chip.”

    Customer: “Oh, I’ll take one of each.”

    (I ring her out and she goes on her way. 20 minutes later I get a phone call.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I was just in there and I bought a lemon cookie and a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie and…MY GOD I AM ALLERGIC TO NUTS, and I SWEAR I just ate a nut. Are there any nuts in these cookies?”

    Me: “…well, the peanut butter chocolate chip ones have…peanuts in them.”

    Customer: “OH MY GOD!” *hangs up*

    (Only 2 weeks later I am working again and the same woman walks into my store.)

    Customer: *looks at the cookies again* “I’ll take one of those…peanut butter chocolate chip cookies.”

    Me: “You realize that those have nuts in them, right?”

    Customer: “WHAT?! Well…what about the orange walnut cookies?”

    Me: “Those have walnuts in them.”

    Customer: “How about the coconut pecan?”

    Me: “Yeah, those have pecans in them.”

    Customer: “Well, fine. I’ll just have to have one of those white chocolate macadamia cookies then.”

    Me: “Look – really the only cookies that we have right now that DON’T have nuts are the sugar cookies.”

    Customer: “Well, those are just too boring. Never mind then!”

    Hopefully His Poop Is Invisible Too

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Customer: “Just give me ketchup and mustard on the cheeseburger.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am.”

    (I start to put the ketchup on the burger.)

    Customer: “I didn’t ask for ketchup! I want a free cheeseburger now!”

    Me: “Oh, I thought you did…”

    Customer: “No, I didn’t. Give me a free cheeseburger.”

    (I send the other cheeseburger back.)

    Customer: “What are you doing?”

    Me: “Getting you a new one?”

    Customer: “What? Why?” I’m going to eat that one!”

    Me: “Well, we can’t give you a free hamburger if you’re going to eat the new one.”

    Customer: “Well, it’s for my baby.”

    Me: “Ma’am, your order is for here, and you don’t have a baby with you.”

    Customer: “Maybe it’s an invisible baby!”

    Me: “… have a great day, ma’am.”

    Some Questions Should Never Be Asked, Part 3

    | South Australia |

    (I work for forensics and often a lot of phone calls about DNA results and what they mean.)

    Me: “Good morning, DNA Management Section, *** speaking.”

    Customer: “Hi, I got this DNA notification thing. I don’t know what it means.”

    Me: “Those are the results for the buccal swab you had done. It’s just for your records to show that you had a buccal swab taken and your DNA was analysed from it.”

    Customer: “What do all these letters and numbers mean?”

    Me: “That is the sequence for your DNA. The scientists at forensics will use those numbers to match your DNA profile to other samples on the DNA database.”

    Customer: “But what do they mean?”

    Me: “Unfortunately, I am not qualified to explain this to you. I can however forward your call to Forensics SA, and they will be able to answer your query. All I can say is that the first part is your sex. XX means female and XY means male.”

    Customer: “It says XY… so that means I’m male, right?”

    Related:
    Some Questions Should Never Be Asked, Part 2
    Some Questions Should Never Be Asked

    University Of Homer Simpson, Part 2

    , | Oneonta, NY, USA |

    (A student is dropping a computer off at our college’s IT desk for us to work on.)

    Me: “Do you have an administrator password for this machine?”

    Student: “Yes, it’s ‘Homer’.”

    Me: “Like the author?”

    Student: *blank stare*

    Me: “… like Homer Simpson?”

    Student: “Yeah!”

    Related: University Of Homer Simpson


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