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    Once You Go Front-Load, You Never Go Back

    | Ithaca, NY, USA |

    (I sell home appliances at a national store chain. I’m talking to a married couple interested in a washer and dryer.)

    Me: “So this is one of our top-rated washers in terms of reliability, price, and capacity.”

    Wife: “Does it come in other colors?”

    Me: “Yes. You’ll notice on the sign here, there’s a listing of the colors available and the price difference, if any. So, for instance, this machine also comes in another color.”

    Husband: “I bet that machine has a much bigger capacity.”

    Wife: “Ugh, why is it always about sex with you?”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    He’s Ho-Ho-Home For the Holidays

    | Chillicothe, OH, USA |

    (A customer comes up to us shortly after our mall Santa has finished for the season.)

    Customer #1: “Hey, is Santa here?”

    Me: “No, yesterday was his last day.”

    Customer #1: “When will he be back?”

    Me: “I think he’s done for the season.”

    Customer #1: “Well, do you know where he is?”

    Me: “Um…the North Pole?”

    Customer #2: “Hahaha!”

    Customer #1: “…okay, I walked in to that one.”

    Please Do Not Creep Out The Employees

    , | Bozeman, MT, USA |

    (A male customer comes into our lingerie store and wanders around, looking at the merchandise.)

    Me: “Good morning, welcome to [lingerie store]. How can I assist you today?”

    Male customer: “I need to get my wife a gift.”

    Me: “Okay, what were you thinking of?”

    Male customer: “Oh, you know, underwear or something.”

    Me: “Okay, what type? Special occasion? Casual everyday?”

    Male customer: “Definitely something special. It’s our anniversary.”

    Me: “Do you know her sizes?”

    Male customer: *moves towards me* “About your size…” *looks at my chest*

    Me: “Okay, then…why don’t you show me what you’ve seen that you like?”

    Male customer: “I like…you.” *leering*

    Me: “I think you’ll like my manager then, too!” *run away to get my manager*

    Good Examples Gone Bad

    | Santa Clarita, CA, USA | Top

    (Note: A sincerely nice gentleman in his Mid Sixties approaches the check in counter with a CRT monitor.)

    Me: “Hello sir, what can i do for you?”

    Old man: “I can’t check my email any more and I need you to help me.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem! Did you want to bring your computer in here, too?”

    Old man: “Here.”

    (He sets his monitor on the counter.)

    Me: “Um…”

    Old man: “What’s wrong?”

    Me: “Well sir, this is just your monitor. Imagine if you will that your DVD player…”

    Old man: *looks confused*

    Me: “…or VCR…is broken and you want me to fix it, but you bring in your television.”

    Old man: “Oh my goodness, I am so embarrassed.”

    Me: “It’s completely understandable, technology can be a bit overwhelming.”

    Old man: “I’ll go get my VCR!”

    From Gills To Godly

    | Nanuet, NY, USA |

    Customer: *in a thick accent* “Hello, were you the girl I spoke to last night about my fish?”

    Me: “No, I’m not, but I’d be happy to help you.”

    (The customer whips out a Chinese food container holding a fish that is clearly on death’s doorstep.)

    Customer: “My fish…she is dying. I need you to heal her. If she is healed, I want you to give her back to me.”

    Me: “Well, sir, your fish honestly doesn’t look like it’s going to make it. I would be happy to replace your fish. Even though we will medicate your fish, I can’t guarantee she’ll survive.”

    Customer: “No… I don’t want another fish. I want this fish. I want you to heal my fish. I have been praying for it. When you heal my fish you should pray for it as well. It will heal faster!”

    Me: “Sir, I can’t say that I usually pray, but I will be sure to keep the fish in my thoughts.”

    Customer: “No. You must pray.”

    Me: “…sir, honestly, I don’t practice religion.”

    Customer: “You must pray.”

    Me: “…all right. I will pray for her, and I will make sure she gets the best care. Stop by later this week or call in and ask for me. I will be happy to give you an update, just please keep in mind that I don’t think your fish will survive.”

    Customer: “You must heal my fish. I will call you to see how she is. I am certain she will survive.”

    (It soon became clear that I should have prayed sooner, because the fish died ten minutes after the customer walked out the door.)

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