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    I Junk Mailed To Say I Love You

    | Reno, NV, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [wireless company]! How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, you sent me an ad and I want to let you know I’m very happy with the service I’m getting with a competitor, so I don’t need your services.”

    Me: “Of course, sir. Would you like to be taken off our mailing?”

    Customer: “Now, just a minute there, just a minute! I want to thank you for thinking of me. Nobody ever sends me anything in the mail these days, so I want to thank you for sending me things. I don’t want your services, but I’d like you to keep sending me the ads.”

    Me: “You don’t want to buy anything from us, but you want to keep receiving the advertisements? Am I understanding you correctly?”

    Customer: “Yes, that’s correct. Thank you for thinking of me.”

    Me: “Um, you’re welcome, sir! We’d be happy to keep sending you things in the mail, if that’s what you want.”

    Customer: “Thank you!” *hangs up*

    No Moviegoer Left Behind

    | San Antonio, TX, USA |

    (At the box office where I work, the customers have a bad habit of not reading the marquees for the names of their movie. Here are a few of the better ones:)

    Customer: “What’s Gadjicka about?” (Gothika)

    Customer: “I’d like two tickets for El Scorpio.” (The Scorpion King)

    Customer: “Is that Luxj movie any good?” (The League of Extraordinary Gentleman, abbreviated as LXG)

    Customer: “How dare you show a movie called School of C***?!” (School of Rock)

    Customer: “Can I have three for Legally Blind 2?” (Legally Blonde 2)

    (Best minimum wage job EVER.)

    Putting The LOL In Little Old Lady

    | Wichita, KS, USA | Top

    (I’m checking out my last customer, a little old lady, before covering a break when another customer starts unloading his stuff into the register. Note that I’ve shut off my light and put a “lane closed” sign up.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, my lane is closed. I have to go to another department and cover a break.”

    Other customer: “Well, isn’t that just f***ing convenient for you!”

    (Right on cue, the little old lady I was helping turns to the other customer.)

    Little old lady: “Who the h*** peed in your cornflakes this morning?!”

    Other customer: *storms off*

    (I hugged the lady and she is now a regular of mine.)

    A Man Of Two Words

    | Canada |

    Me: *ringing up a sale* “…and did you find everything you were looking for today?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Oh, that’s too bad. Would you like some assistance finding those items?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Okay. What was it that you couldn’t find?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “…pardon?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “So…did you not need any help today?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Then you have everything you need?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well then, have a wonderful day!”

    Customer: “No.” *takes bag and leaves*

    Sadly, This Amounts To A Sex Life

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Top

    (A customer and her two teenagers come up to my register at the theater.)

    Me: “Welcome to [movie theater], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Why is 28 Days Later rated R?”

    Me: “Violence, bad language, intense scenes, and nudity.”

    Customer: “What kind of nudity?”

    Me: “Uh, I don’t know. Let me ask.”

    (I turn off the mic and turn to my manager.)

    Me: “What kind of nudity is in 28 Days Later?”

    Manager: “Male.”

    (I turn the mic back on and speak to the customer.)

    Me, to customer: “It’s male nudity.”

    Customer: “Oh, we’re seeing this!”

    Customer’s teenagers: “Mom!”

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