Data Protection Can Be Hellish

| Champaign, IL, USA |

(I notice a very well dressed woman checking out laptops.)

Me: “Can I help you with anything, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes, please. Could you tell me about the facial password feature on these laptops?”

Me: “Sure. Certain laptops we carry can use the webcam to recognize several facial features unique to each person. Eye distance, mouth width, things like that.”

Customer: “Well then, that’s it.”

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “The apocalypse is coming.”

Me: “The apocalypse?”

Customer: “Yes. See, the Bible says that when the government starts taking over our personal lives, the apocalypse will come.”

Me: “Ma’am, this has nothing to do with the government. It’s just another security feature.”

(She pats me on the shoulder.)

Customer: “That’s okay, son. I speak to God every day. I’m glad to know that when I’m up in heaven, you’ll be down here burning in hell.”

Gender Fender Bender

| Ottawa, ON, Canada |

Customer: “I need to return this card.”

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “I bought it for my wife’s birthday. It’s a very nice card, but I missed the last line.”

(I look at the card, and it reads ‘to the man I love’. The refund was given.)

This Problem Has Been Addressed

| Annapolis, MD, USA |

Customer: “I haven’t been receiving my coupons in the mail! I want you to fix it!”

Me: “Okay. Let me look you up in our system.”

(The customer isn’t coming up under the phone number, last name, or zip code.)

Customer: “Oh. When I signed up, I didn’t put that info down.”

Me: “Why not?”

Customer: “I don’t want you guys mailing me junk!”

Air Head Venting

| Chicago, IL, USA |

Caller: “Yeah, the vents just turned on really suddenly.”

Me: “The vents turned on suddenly?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Is that a problem? Are you too hot or cold?”

Caller: “No, at the moment I’m fine.”

Me: “So, do you want to give me a call back if there’s a problem?”

Caller: “Sure thing. I’ll keep an eye on the situation.”

Demagnetized But Still Attracting Idiots

| Cranberry Township, PA, USA |

(I run a credit card through and my register can’t read it. I try a few times to be sure. The customer looks concerned, so I feel compelled to explain.)

Me: “It looks like we’re having some issues reading the card. I’ll just enter the numbers manually.”

Customer: What do you mean?

Me: “Sometimes cards can be demagnetized or worn. We then have to enter their numbers manually.”

Customer: “Demagnetized?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: *scoffing* “Well, I know my card works!”

Me: “It may have just been demagnetized, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well of course it was demagnetized! I would make sure it was!”

(The customer remains adamant that her card was demagnetized. She is mistaking the meaning of the word for some sort of card activation. Manually entering the number worked, so I just played along.)

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