The Land Of The Free And Home Of The Portable Umbrella

| Anchorage, AK, USA | Food & Drink

(I am clearing off the tables on the deck of the restaurant because it has just started raining. Most people have moved inside.)

Customer: “Are you guys kicking us off the deck?”

Me: “No, sir, you are welcome to stay out here as long as you wish.”

Customer: “In that case, can you move one of the tables with the umbrellas so they cover my wife?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the tables are bolted down to the deck and I can’t move them.”

Customer: “The tables…they don’t move? But this is America!”

Sanguine Mealtime Entertainment

| Rockville, MD, USA | Food & Drink

Customer: “Do you have any crayons?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am. Unfortunately, we are all out and our shipment doesn’t come in until Tuesday.”

Customer: “Well what is my child supposed to color with?! Her blood?”

An Ate For Two Special

| Fort Lee, NJ, USA | Food & Drink

Customer: “Hi, I’ll have one Penne Milano.”

Me: “Okay, is there anything else I can get you?”

Customer: “One should be enough to feed eight people, right?”

Me: “No, unfortunately. At most, it could feed two.”

Customer: “Well, how can I make it feed eight?”

Me: “Perhaps you can order more than one?”

So Good It’s Not Even There

| Netherlands | Rude & Risque

Me: “Thanks for calling [store], this is [name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, I just wanted to know whether you have any topless bikinis?”

Me: “I’m sorry, strapless bikinis, you mean?”

Customer: “Yes, topless bikinis! Do you have any?”

You’re Supposed To Share The Wealth

| Amsterdam, Netherlands | Uncategorized

(I am sitting at the cash register where people can turn in chips for cash or other way around. A guy approaches.)

Me: “Hello, what can I do for you?”

Guest: “I want to take out a loan.”

Me: “I am sorry, what do you mean?”

Guest: “I want to take out a big loan so I can play and maybe buy a car.”

Me: “This isn’t a bank, sir. This is a casino. We don’t do that.”

Guest: “This can’t be. I know your company has loads of money. I want to borrow some. I will pay the tax or whatever.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t do loans. This isn’t a bank.”

Guest: “This is bulls***! Money is money. What’s the difference if I borrow here or at the bank? I will pay it back. So what difference does it make? Don’t argue with me!”

(I press the red button under my desk to call security.)

Me: “A gentleman will be here in a second to work things out with you and your loan. Good day!”

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