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    Dire Education

    , | Kansas City, MO, USA |

    (A student calls in to the tech support line for our college’s online student records system.)

    Student: “Yeah, I forgot my password, and the system is not accepting the information to set a new one.”

    Me: “Ok, let me see if I can try it. Can I have your name, DOB, and SSN?”

    Student: *gives me the info*

    Me: “Hmm, it doesn’t appear to work for me either.”

    (I look in our database for anything remotely close with his info, but nothing turns up.)

    Me: “Sir, it looks as though you are not in our system. Did you even apply to our college?”

    Student: “Yes! What kind of stupid question is that? I applied to [another university] over six months ago.”

    Me: “Sir, what city and state do you take classes at?”

    Student: “Omaha, Nebraska.”

    Me: “Yeah, our college is located in Missouri. I think you have the wrong college.”

    Student: “No, I think YOU have the wrong student!”

    Me: “You called us, remember?”

    Student: *click*

    No One Ever Said It Would Be Boring…

    | Peterborough, Ontario, Canada | Top

    (This happened on my first day of the job.)

    Me: “Welcome to [grocery store].”

    Customer: “Take off your glasses.”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “They’re all pink and red; I can’t see your eyes!”

    Me: “That’s because they’re tinted that way for a reason. Red increases contrast, and I’m photophobic.”

    Customer: “What? You’re afraid of light? D*** VAMPI–”

    Me: “–NO, no, no. It just means bright light hurts my eyes.”

    Customer: “All right, ring these up.”

    (Looking down, I notice he has bagged peaches. A LOT of them. As it’s my first day, I have to search for the code for them, and they lack a barcode.)

    Customer: “Well? They’re peaches.”

    Me: “I know, let me just–”

    Customer:Peaches! Come on, they’re peaches. Just ring them up.”

    Me: “Sorry, just a moment.” *grabbing phone* “What’s the code for–”

    Customer: “THESE. ARE. PEACCHEESSSS!”

    (He grabs one of the bags of peaches, swings it around until it TEARS open and peaches go flying everywhere, then he runs out of the store.)

    Coworker: *on the phone* “Aha, so you met the peaches guy on your first day? I remember my first time meeting him…”

    Me: “…”

    Bilingual Secret Shame

    | Massachusetts, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, what are diaper couches?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Diaper couches.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure what you mean.”

    Customer: *points to the boxes of diapers* “That box! It says ‘diaper couches’.”

    Me: *suddenly understanding* “Ma’am, that box says diapers, and then it says ‘couches’. That’s the French word for diapers.”

    Customer: *looks around, then whispers* “Don’t tell anyone!” *leaves*

    Sometimes You Want To Go Where Everybody Has A Name

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling ****. This is Bryan, may I have your account number?”

    Customer: “Bryan who?”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, for security purposes I’m unable to provide you with my last name. For reference I can provide you my ID number.”

    Customer: “That won’t do, you need to have a last name. I can’t speak to someone without a last name. Make one up please, for my sake.”

    Me: “…OK, for the purposes of this call my name is Bryan Jones.”

    Customer: “Thank you, Mr. Jones. I…”

    (My name isn’t Jones.)

    What A Lady, What A Night

    | New Port Richey, FL, USA | Top

    (I’m standing in line and overhear this conversation between a beautiful middle aged woman and the photo clerk.)

    Clerk: “… unfortunately, we are unable to print all of your photos. Some of them are in violation of a our content policy.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand. All I took pictures of was a trip to Busch Gardens and then my son’s birthday party. What could be so inappropriate?”

    Clerk: “Were you at some point singing karaoke?”

    (The customers face goes from confusion, to understanding, to embarrassment, and finally to barely controlled rage.)

    Customer: “I will be right back.”

    (The customer goes down the aisle and begins grabbing a few additional items.)

    Clerk, to me: “She was naked. Pretty hot for an older lady.”

    (The customer returns with her new items and makes a phone call while the clerk processes the transaction.)

    Customer: *sweetly on the phone* “Oh, honey, you have been working so hard and have been so good to me. I am making you an amazing dinner. Can you pick up some makings for some cocktails on the way home? I am going to give you a night you will never forget! Love you, bye!”

    (As she says this, I notice the new items she’s buying: a sports drink, anti-diarrhea medicine, and a giant bottle of contact lens solution–the latter of which can give people diarrhea. The clerk finishes the transaction and the customer gives us the most evil grin right before she walks out.)

    Clerk: “Hopefully, she won’t let him suffer too long…”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic


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