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    The Ferocity Of Generosity

    | Norfolk, VA, USA |

    (I’m waiting on a table who is celebrating a child’s birthday. They’ve just finished eating.)

    Me: “Are we ready for our check?”

    Customer #1: “I’ll take it.”

    Customer #2: “No, I can’t let you pay for me!”

    Customer #1: “I’m paying! It’s [child's] birthday!”

    Customer #2, to me: “Give me my check, now!”

    (I hand customer #2 her check from my book, but customer #1 starts crying hysterically.)

    Customer #1, to me: “I’m never coming to this place again! How dare you treat me this way!”

    (I apologize and go to process the check. Later on, I run into customer #1 and her husband as they are leaving the restaurant; she’s still sobbing hysterically.)

    Husband of customer #1: “What in the h*** do you put in your tilapia?!”

    Do As I Do, Not As I Say

    | Michigan, USA |

    (A customer walks into our sandwich shop with her very young son.)

    Customer’s son: “I want a sandwich!”

    Customer: “When we want something, we ask politely, remember?”

    Customer’s son: “But I want chips!”

    Customer: “No, dear, you ask, ‘May I please have some chips?’”

    Me: “What will you be ordering today, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I want a kid’s meal!”

    Related:
    Do As I Yell, Not As I Do
    Do As I Shout, Not As I Do

    Never-Fail Conversation Starters

    | Brisbane, Australia |

    Me: “Can I help you with anything today?”

    Customer: “How old are you?”

    Me: “Um…I’m 17.”

    Customer: “No, you’re not!”

    Me: “Yes, I am.”

    Customer: “No, no! You’re 4.6 billion years old! You’re older than me, and you’re older than your parents. Jesus is inside you!”

    Me: “Er…can I help you with anything else?”

    Customer: “Oh, can I borrow a pen?”

    Land Of The Free, Home Of the Single-Minded

    | Boise, ID, USA |

    (This takes place in 2008, when George W. Bush was still president. A customer brings a book filled with his quotes to the register.)

    Customer: “What kind of nonsense is this? I can’t believe you guys would really sell these books here. He’s still our president, and he deserves respect!

    Me: “I’m sorry if the books offend you sir, but we offer them for customers who have different opinions.”

    Customer: “This is America! We should all have the same opinion!” *storms out with his purchase*

    I’m Too Sexy For My Kitchen

    | Hurst, TX, USA |

    (A customer brings me the bowl from a salad spinner set.)

    Customer: “How much is this hat?”

    Me: “Ma’am, that goes to a salad set. It’s not a hat.”

    (She doesn’t understand, so I tell her I’ll find the price. I come back with the whole set.)

    Me: “You see ma’am, this is used to dry salad after you wash it. You turn the handle and–”

    Customer: “I only want the hat, not the box and the hat!” *walks off*

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