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    Great Benefits: Medical, 401k & A Crystal Ball

    | Pleasant Hill, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Which books would you recommend for a pre-teen girl?”

    Me: “Well, that depends – does she like fantasy, horror, science fiction?”

    Customer: “Whichever you recommend.”

    Me: “I’m partial to fantasy myself.”

    (I show her several series that I had read myself and enjoyed.)

    Customer: “So you think she would like these?”

    Me: “Well, I loved them a lot.”

    Customer: “But do you think SHE will?”

    Me: “I honestly couldn’t say, ma’am. You know your niece better than I do; I’ve never met her.”

    Customer: *staring blankly at the books* “But do you think she will like them?”

    Me: “If she doesn’t, you can give her a gift receipt and she can return the books.”

    Customer: “I didn’t ask you about a gift receipt, I asked you if my niece would like the books you recommended.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I am incapable of making up your own mind about books for someone I’ve never met.”

    Customer: “I see. So, when they hire people for minimum wage, they really get what they pay for.”

    Me: *sarcastically* “Corporate doesn’t provide mind manipulation skills as part of the hiring package, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Well, they should!”

    (She complains to a manager and walks out without ever making up her mind about a book for her niece.

    Manager: “Did she seriously ask you to manipulate her thoughts about a book decision?”

    Me: “I can’t make up my OWN mind sometimes, much less someone else’s…”

    Many Hats, But An Empty Head

    | Lawrence, MA |

    (We were having a sale on used DVDs. The price reductions were delayed in the computer system download, so we had to re-price every item manually. A customer came up with several used movies for purchase.)

    Me: “All right sir, your total is $249.75.”

    Customer: “What? Did you miss some? I added it up, it should be more.”

    Me: *after checking* “No, sir. We’re in the middle of doing our price changes, so all the movies you have that are marked $12.99 each are actually marked down to $9.99 each.”

    Customer: “What? That’s illegal. The price sticker has to have the correct price on it.”

    Me: “Sir, as I said, we’re in the process of re-stickering all of the DVDs. The 25 movies you’re buying are actually cheaper than you thought they would be.”

    Customer: “But they’re priced wrong. That’s illegal.”

    Me: “Sir, I can assure you we are doing nothing illegal, and if you’d like–”

    Customer: “It is illegal, I’M A LAWYER!”

    Me: “OK…I can adjust the price so that the movies are all $12.99 instead of $9.99 if you’re really angry about saving $75.00. Is that what you want me to do?”

    Customer: “Well, no.”

    Me: “What would you like me to do then?”

    Customer: “I think I should get some free movies.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m not giving you any free movies.”

    Customer: “I’m a lawyer. It’s illegal. You need to give me 5 free movies or I’m calling the authorities.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m not giving you anything for free. As it is, you thought the price of these DVDs was much more than it turned out to be, so you’re already getting a deal…”

    Customer: “I don’t care. This is horrible service! This is no way to run a business. If I ran my restaurant this way, I’d be out of business!”

    Me: “So, are you a lawyer or a restauranteur?”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Would you like to pay for the movies, or would you like me to cancel the sale?”

    Customer: *hands over credit card*

    First Ocean To The Right, Then Straight On ‘Til Drowning

    | Vancouver Island, Canada |

    Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

    Man: “What’s the quickest way to get to Hawaii?”

    Me: “…probably via Vancouver International Airport.”

    Man: “What?”

    Me: “Look, I’m sorry, I’m not actually a travel agent. I can put you in touch with someone who can book you a flight–”

    Man: “I don’t wanna fly there! I could’ve done that from Seattle! I’m going to drive.”

    Me: “Over more than twenty-five hundred miles of ocean?”

    Man: “You can’t fool me. I know it’s not that far. Besides, it’s much cheaper to fly there through the Canadian part of America.”

    Me: “…no, Canada’s not–”

    Man: “I’m gonna report you for being unhelpful, missy. Now give me god**** directions to Hawaii if you don’t want your a** fired.”

    Me: “Turn left on to any pier you come across, and then drive straight on – you’ll get there eventually, and don’t worry about the water. You can probably sue for damages.”

    (Amazingly, he left, perfectly happy with my directions to essentially drown himself.)

    Actually, We’re Saving Them For WW3

    | Sydney, Australia (not USA yet) |

    (At our restaurant, an American tourist tries to pay for his meal in American currency.)

    Me: “Sorry, sir. We can only accept Australian Dollars here.”

    Customer: “What? What are you talking about? Isn’t this like, our colony?”

    Me: “I assure you, sir, Australia has never been an American colony. We were, however, once controlled by the British.”

    Customer: “But… wasn’t it you we beat in World War 2?!”

    What Would Jesus Itemize?

    | Lexington, KY, USA |

    (A customer is shopping for his church and his home in the same trip. He splits up the orders while talking with his wife. As I’m finishing the church order, running the credit card and having the gentleman sign, the wife notices an error was made.)

    Wife: “Honey, you put the condoms on the church bill!”

    Husband: “… we’ll scratch it off?”

    Me: “Oh my.”

    Wife: “Oh Jesus is going to hate us now! You can’t put condoms on the church bill, that’s like putting beer on the church account!”

    (She continues to flip out, while I’m refunding the transaction and voiding off the condoms. The next customer in line is staring at the whole exchange.)

    Next customer: “How in the h*** do you people stay sane?!”


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