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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Please Stow All Carrion Baggage

    | Ketchikan, AK, USA |

    Customer: “I have two bodies I want to get from Craig to Ketchikan.”

    Me: “Alright, I would suggest you take the earlier flight so you have time to clear TSA with the bodies.”

    Customer: “What! One of the bodies is me!”

    Me: “Uh…you said you have two bodies you need to bring in from Craig. Are you talking about just needing two reservations?”

    Customer: “Well, duh! What did you think I was talking about!”

    A Small Fish In An Even Smaller Pond

    | New York, USA |

    (At the pool where I work, we usually give swim tests to young children who want to go swimming in the deep section without a parent.)

    Mother: “Can my son take the swim test?”

    Me: “Sure, how old is he?”

    Mother: “He’s three, but he’s a very good swimmer! He doesn’t even use waterwings in our pool!”

    Me: “Alright let’s see you jump in! Swim to the other side and come back.”

    (The boy jumps in and starts swimming, badly.)

    Mother: “You’re doing great, sweetie!”

    (The boy, still struggling, turns around, swims back to the ladder, and climbs up.)

    Mother: “So, he passed, right?!”

    Me: “No.”

    Mother: “What! Why? I can’t believe you won’t let my son swim out there!”

    Me: “Well, your son clearly is not a strong swimmer and I feel it’s not safe to let him go.”

    Mother: “No, my son is a great swimmer! He spends every summer swimming!”

    Me: “What kind of pool do you guys have?”

    Mother: “A kiddie pool.”

    Mmm, Moisturizer

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, I’d like to return this lotion. It gives me a rash.”

    Me: “Sure, no problem.”

    (The customer hands me her used lotion. Half the bottle has been used up.)

    Customer: “What do you do with the returned lotion?”

    Me: “Well, since this is used, I have to mark it out and throw the product away.”

    Customer: “Like, in the garbage?”

    Me: “Yeah.”

    Customer: “But there are starving children in China!”

    I Hate It When I Miss Kilometer-Wide Spaceships, Too

    | Calgary, AB, Canada |

    Customer: “Excuse me, I was just wondering…I see some signs out there on the front door that say ‘Theaters For Humans Only.’ Can you tell me what those are?”

    Me: “Oh, those are some promotional signs for an upcoming movie, District 9. They’re designed to look like real warning signs as part of a viral marketing campaign.”

    Customer: “Oh, cool! So what’s the movie going to be about?

    (I explain the overall plot to the customer. Halfway through, her boyfriend returns from the restroom and listens quietly while I finish explaining.)

    Me: “…so the aliens land in South Africa, and they end up becoming like refugees.”

    Customer’s boyfriend: *completely serious* “Wait, hang on a second…so are the aliens real?!”

    Me: “Oh, no. It’s the plot to this movie called District 9.”

    Customer’s boyfriend: “Oh, good! I thought there’d been some news report and I’d missed it or something. Wouldn’t want to feel silly!”

    No Ifs, Ends, Or Butts

    , | Kansas City, MO, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [insurance company]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes. I need to know if my insurance covers a butt indent.”

    Me: “I’m sorry…could you say that again?”

    Customer: “I need to know if my car insurance covers a butt indent. There’s one on the hood of my car. What is that covered under and how much is my deductible?”

    Me: “Um…do you know how it got there?”

    Customer: “No. It looks like a small butt, though.”

    Me: “Well, I can’t tell you what it would be covered under until I know how it got there. Do you know if it was the result of a collision or not?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “You have two different deductibles for your comprehensive coverage and your collision coverage. Do you know how the…butt ended up there? ”

    Customer: “No, but it’s a small butt on the hood of my car!”

    Me: “Well, your comprehensive deductible is $250 and your collision is $500. Would you like me to submit a claim and let the claim adjuster handle it from here?”

    Customer: “Oh no! I don’t want to make a claim. I was just wondering if it would be covered if I wanted to file one. Thanks!” *hangs up*

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