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    Pointless Paranoia, Meet Pistol Packin’

    | Rochester, NY, USA | Top

    (A young man asks for a ticket for an R-rated movie and hands me his ID. I’m about to sell him the ticket when the lady behind him speaks up.)

    Lady: “Wait! That picture in the ID doesn’t look like him at all!”

    (I look at the ID. It appears he’s been sick since the photo was taken, but it’s clearly the same guy.)

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m fairly certain that this is the correct ID. Now, if you’d just step up–”

    Lady: “No! You can’t sell to someone with a fake ID. He could be a terrorist, for God’s sake! You should call the police!”

    Me: “Ma’am, that is definitely not necessary. I am responsible for checking identification, and I–”

    Lady: “I need to talk to your manager!”

    (I begin to respond, but the guy politely waves me off and turns to the woman.)

    Man: “Miss, I have another photo ID here, with a more recent picture. Do you think this matches?”

    (He pulls a card out of his wallet and hands it to her. She goes completely white.)

    Lady: “Well… um… yes, that’s, uh, fine!”

    (She squirms for a moment, then exclaims, “I’ll be right back!” She drops the card and leaves the theater in a hurry. I give the guy his ticket.)

    Me: “What was that you showed her?”

    Man: “Oh, my handgun permit.”

    New And Improved High-Def Hunger

    | Arizona, USA |

    (A customer whose account had been overdrawn for some time calls our bank.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I am sorry, but you’re card was turned off because your account is currently overdrawn $2,000.”

    Caller: “But I dont think that you understand. When I get paid, I need to buy food for my children.”

    (We are able to reverse some overdraft fees if the situation warrants it. I review the woman’s account to see where her money is going.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you said you buy food for your children after each paycheck?”

    Caller: “Yes! I need money to buy my children something to eat!”

    Me: “So your children eat big-screen TVs and acrylic nails?”

    Caller: “You can see where I’m spending money?!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. We keep records of where you spend your money.”

    Caller: *click*

    The Royal Kiss-Off

    | Arlington, VA, USA |

    (There was a really long line at the convenience store I work at. A female customer at the back of the line was calling out to me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, sir, I’d like to purchase this item.”

    Me: “Um…there’s a line of about 10 people in front of you. You have to wait for them.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want to!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “This is an outrage! I’m a queen!”

    Me: “…of where?”

    Customer: “Oompaloompaland!”

    Me: “Um…sorry to break it to you, but Oompaloompaland only exists in books.”

    Customer: “That’s it!” *storms out*

    Size Matters Of The Heart

    | Attleboro, MA, USA | Top

    (A customer and his wife came in to look for a TV to buy.)

    Me: “Well, we have this 52″ Toshiba…”

    Husband: *to his wife* “Well, bigger is always better. Right, hon?”

    Wife: “I wouldn’t know…”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Perhaps You Can Blame A Guy For Trying

    | Guelph, Ontario, Canada |

    (On Tuesdays, we have a buy-one-get-one-free deal on medium pizzas. The day this exchange happened was a Thursday.)

    Me: “Welcome to ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like a medium pepperoni pizza please.”

    Me: “OK then. Can I get you anything else?”

    Customer: “Well, I wasn’t here on Tuesday, so I was wondering if I could get my second free pizza today?”

    Me: “Well, the deal is only applicable on Tuesdays, so I’m afraid I can’t help you.”

    Customer: “OK. Well, I won’t be here next Tuesday, so can I get my free one from then?”

    Me: “I’m very sorry sir, but the deal on is only available on TUESDAYS.”

    Customer: “OK, I’ll be back in a bit to get my pizza.”

    (He leaves, then comes back ten minutes later.)

    Customer: “So…say I woke up this morning and thought it was Tuesday?”

    Me: “…”

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