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    The Featherweight Watchers Program

    | Richmond, VA, USA |

    Customer: “I need to get a new box of this…” *hands me a box of bird seed*

    Me: “Sure, was there a problem with it?”

    Customer: “Yeah, it was messy. I had to keep picking through sticks to get to the good stuff.”

    Me: “Wait, were you eating this? ”

    Customer: “Uh-huh, just now, in my car. It’s good, but I had to keep picking through the sticks.”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is actually bird seed. ”

    Customer: “Oh, is it? Well, it’s pretty good. It just has a lot of sticks in it.”

    Me: “Um, ma’am, I’m a little worried that this might be dangerous for consumption by humans, so if you’ll hang on a minute, let me call someone.”

    (I call Poison Control and they tell me she will be fine. The only problem is that the bird seed would have a high fat content. I relay this to the customer.)

    Customer: “Oh. Well, if it’s high in calories, I don’t want it!”

    The Pearly Hyperbaric Chambers

    | Midwest USA |

    (I work in a clinic where we test drugs on people. Upon check-in, we confiscate any items that could disrupt the study. I’m returning a pair of ankle weights to a participant; we had to remove them so he wouldn’t work out during the study.)

    Me: “Here are your items.” *hands him ankle weights*

    Participant: “Can I put them on now?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    Participant: *sits down and straps on weights* “You know why I wear these?”

    Me: “…to build muscle?”

    Participant: “So I don’t get the bends when the rapture comes!”

    Almost As Dangeroos As The Jackalopes

    | Montana, USA |

    Park visitor: “Excuse me, sir. I was wondering about where I could see deer in this park.”

    Me: “Just about anywhere.”

    Park visitor: “And what about the dangeroos?”

    Me: “The what?!”

    Park visitor: “The dangeroos. Where should I go for those?”

    Me: “I don’t think we have dangeroos. In fact, I don’t think that’s even a word.”

    (The visitor pulls out a yellow information sheet. Everyone who enters National Parks receives one at the entrance.)

    Park visitor: *pointing at sheet* “Right here. It says, ‘Bears are dangeroos’. I thought that was a type of bear you had here.”

    Related:
    Oh Give Me a Home, Where The Jackalopes Roam

    Dialog Boxes Are Forever

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Top

    (I’m at the library checking my email, when another patron seated next to me taps me on the shoulder.)

    Patron: “Excuse me, I’m trying to get into email, but something pops up, I click “No”, and all I get is a blank page.”

    Me: “Have you tried clicking ‘Yes’?”

    Patron: “Why would I do that?”

    Me: “Well, if it’s asking if you want to continue, and you should click ‘Yes’.”

    Patron: *tries again* “It just brings up the blank page again!”

    Me: “Did you click ‘Yes’ to continue?”

    Patron: “No, I clicked ‘No’.”

    Me: “Why did you click ‘No’? I told you to click ‘Yes’.”

    Patron: *tries again* “Okay, do I click ‘No’?”

    Me: “You click on ‘Yes’!”

    (Not surprisingly, she clicks on ‘No’. She does this several times as other library patrons who overhear us begin to laugh.)

    Patron: “Okay, so I get this message–”

    (This time, I seize her mouse before she can do anything and click ‘Yes’. Hotmail pops up.)

    Patron: “Oh, it works now! That’s funny. Thank you!”

    Related:
    Infinitely Loopy But Happy As A Clam
    Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition
    Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition, Part 2
    Laziness Is The Father Of Repetition

    Forensics For Dummies

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, what can I do for you?”

    Customer: “I have this group photo. Can you scan it and cut people out?”

    Me: “Yes, to an extent.”

    Customer: “I want the people in the front row taken out so I can see what the guy in the back row is wearing.”

    Me: “Um, it doesn’t work like that.”

    Customer: “Why not? He’s standing right there! If you take these people away, you can see all of him!”

    Me: “If I remove these people from the photo, all that will be left is nothing. Photos are two dimensional, not three dimensional.”

    Customer: “That’s not true! I’ve seen ‘em do it on CSI!”

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