Featured Story:
  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Neither Gratis Nor Grateful

    | Lawrenceville, GA, USA |

    (At the mall one day as a customer, I get tired and try to find a place to sit. All the benches are taken, so I sit in one of the coin-op massage chairs. Another customer in the chair next to me turns to talk.)

    Other customer: “This isn’t all that great.”

    Me: “What’s not?”

    Other customer: “This chair. I hardly feel a thing!”

    Me: “That’s odd. I guess I won’t pay for a massage, then.”

    Other customer: “Pay? It isn’t free?”

    Me: “No, you have to put some money into the coin slot there. I guess that’s why yours isn’t working.” *laughs*

    Other customer: “Why are you laughing?” *hands me a dollar* “Make it vibrate!”

    Be Scared Of Customers You Will

    | Fort Worth, TX, USA | Geeks Rule, Movies & TV, Top

    (At the theater where I work, the new Star Wars movie has just premiered a few days prior.)

    Me: “Good evening, sir. Can I see your ticket please?”

    Customer: “The force is strong with this one.”

    Me: “Okay, I take it you’re seeing our new Star Wars movie? It’s a really good movie, sir.”

    Customer: “I challenge you to a light-saber battle!”

    (Suddenly, the customer whips out two light-sabers from under his cloak.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m actually working right now, but your movie will start in fifteen minutes. If you’d like, you can head into the theater.”

    Customer: “Challenge you I have. Defeat you I will!”

    Me: “No, not today sir. Work I must.” *light laughter*

    Customer: “But…but I have challenged you! I sense the force within you is strong!”

    Me: “Really?”

    Customer: *nods*

    Me: *looks around* “Alright, just give me one.”

    (He then proceeds to give me the green lightsaber and stands back in a fighting pose. I very weakly go to cross swords with him when my manager comes up behind me.)

    Manager: “So we play games while we’re on the clock now, do we?”

    (I turn to address my manager when literally, in the swiftest motion I’ve ever seen, the patron stabs me in the stomach with the lightsaber, takes the one from my hand and runs out the back side door to the movie theater.)

    Manager: “Well?”

    (Literally defeated, I head back to work.)

    Can’t See The Forest For The Airborne Trees

    , | Nashville, TN, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [TV Company], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, my TV is broken.”

    Me: “I’ll be glad to help you today. What is wrong with your TV?”

    Customer: “The picture keeps flashing on and off.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. Can I have you check the connections on the back of your TV to make sure everything is screwed in tightly?”

    Customer: “Well, the lights in my house are flashing on and off too. We’re in a tornado warning. Do you think that has something to do with it?”

    Varicose To His Wife

    | New York, NY, USA | Top

    (I work on a cruise ship, and it’s 3 pm on embarkation day–the day all guests board. There are hundreds of people in the main atrium, milling about, asking tour questions and filling in forms. A male guest in his 50s approaches one of the tour staff with a paper in hand.)

    Customer: “I have filled my form out. It says here you need to check it?”

    Me: “Yes, you have a medical waiver for our snorkel tour. I’ll check it over so I can give you your tickets.”

    (I read the form and notice that ‘Circulatory Problems’ has been checked.)

    Me: “Sir, it says here you have circulation problems. Is this exercise related?”

    Customer: “No, I had a minor surgery.”

    Me: “Ah, was it cardiovascular, or–”

    (A woman, also in her 50s and dressed in a blue velvet leisure suit with lots of gold jewelry suddenly bursts in.)

    Customers Wife: *very loudly* “Harvey, what is this man asking you? I’m his wife.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I am just confirming some details on his waiver so he can go snorkeling.”

    (She grabs the form.)

    Customers Wife: “Let me see that…oh, Harvey you didn’t put down your surgery, that’s why.”

    (A couple of guests have turned to listen as the wife of Harvey is very, VERY loud.)

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I was just going to ask Harvey–”

    Customers Wife: “Oh, I can tell you what it is. It was for removal of varicose veins.”

    Me: “So, it really isn’t circula–”

    Customers Wife: *loudly* “They’re on his testicles!”

    (I quickly take the form and excuse Harvey. Immediately, Harvey runs off.)

    Customers Wife: “Harvey, where are you going? Harvey, what’s wrong?” *chases after Harvey*

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Building A Bed, No Doubt

    | Baltimore, MD, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [furniture store]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m suing your company!”

    Me: “May I ask what the problem is?”

    Customer: “My son got into a car accident because he fell asleep at the wheel!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am, but why are you suing [furniture store]?

    Customer: “He fell asleep at the wheel because he stayed up all night assembling your furniture!”

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