You’ve Got A Bad Doodad

| Kansas City, MO, USA |

Me: “Thank you for calling [security company]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, my keypad keeps beeping! It won’t stop. Why is it doing that?!”

Me: “It’s probably trying to tell you there’s something going on with the system. Press the status button for me.”

(The caller pushes the button, and it announces the issue. Her front door has a low battery in it.)

Me: “Well, ma’am. It appears that your front door has a low battery.”

Caller: “But what does that mean?! I don’t understand!”

Me: “It means that the battery in the sensor on your door needs a new battery in it.”

Caller: “I don’t get it. I’m not that technically inclined! You need to explain things better!”

(This goes on for several minutes. I explain what the sensor is, what the problem is, and describe the battery. The customer is continually saying she doesn’t understand what I’m talking about. Finally we reach an understanding.)

Me: “Ma’am, you see the little thingy that’s stuck on your door? Inside is a little doo-dad that they sell at the store, and you need a new one. Open up the thingy and take out the doo-dad. Go to the store, give it to the clerk and he’ll get you a new doo-dad to put in the thingy.”

Caller: “Oh! Why didn’t you just say so?”

Kill Bill

| Salt Lake City, UT, USA |

Customer: “Can I trade you for a better looking bill?”

(The customer hands me a nearly destroyed $20 bill.)

Me: “Sure!”

(I hand him a cleaner bill.)

Customer: “No, this isn’t what I want. Don’t you have any new ones?”

Me: “We only order new bills at the end of the year. Do you want me to see if I have a newer looking one?”

Customer: “Wait, you order the bills? I thought you printed them yourself in the back.”

Me: “No. That’s actually illegal, ma’am.”

Customer: “But my son does it all the time!”

Complaining To A Fault

| Chester, England, UK |

Customer: “I want a refund on my sofa!”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry. What seems to be the problem with the sofa?”

Customer: “I’m not happy!”

Me: “I’m sorry you’re not happy. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Well, I’m not happy with it.”

Me: “I see. Why exactly is that?”

Customer: “There is a manufacturing fault.”

Me: “What is the fault, sir?”

Customer: “I’m not happy!”

Me: “I understand that, sir. What is the fault with the sofa?”

Customer: “Well, I’m not happy!”

Me: “With all due respect, ‘I’m not happy’ is not a manufacturing fault.”

Customer: “Of course it is. It’s manufactured to make me happy! This sofa is not fit for purpose!”

Me: “Can you sit on the sofa?”

Customer: “Of course I can!”

Me: “Then it is fit for purpose, sir.”

Customer: “But I am not happy! There must be a manufacturing fault to make me not happy with it!”

This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 10

| USA |

(I am taking a delivery order.)

Me: “And how will you be paying tonight? Cash or credit?”

Caller: “Credit.”

Me: “What type of card is it?”

(The caller states the name of her bank.)

Me: “No, ma’am. I meant is it a Visa, MasterCard?”

Caller: “Oh, Visa.”

Me: “The number?”

Caller: “What number do you want?”

Me: “The big one on the front.”

Caller: “Oh, really. All of it?”

(She provides twelve numbers.)

Me: “I need four more numbers.”

Caller: “Oh, sorry. I didn’t see them there. 1234.”

Me: “Okay. And the expiration date?”

Caller: “Where do you find that?”

Me: “The bottom right corner.”

(A few seconds of silence pass.)

Caller, talking to someone else: “Find the expiration date for me.”

(She finally finds it and gives it to me. I arrive with her order, and hand her the credit card receipt. She turns to her friend, and hands it to her.)

Caller, to her friend: “Sign this for me. I don’t know how.”

Related:
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 9
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 8
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 7
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 6
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 5
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 4
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 3
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 2
This Is Why We’re In A Recession

An Alarming Turn Of Events

| Kansas City, MO, USA |

Me: “Thank you for calling [security services].”

Customer: “My keypad keeps beeping and saying low battery. What does that mean?”

(I run through some basic troubleshooting. After about 10 minutes, we still can’t find the problem.)

Me: “Well, sir, I’m not exactly sure why your system is doing this. I’ll be happy to send a technician out there for you.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. By the way, my keypad seems to be on fire. Is that a bad thing?”

Me: “Yes, sir. That is really bad. Do you want me to call the fire department?”

Customer: “Oh, no. I don’t think that’s necessary, do you?”

Me: “Well, the fire may spread up the wall if it doesn’t get put out. I’d recommend spraying it with a fire extinguisher if you don’t want the fire department to come out.”

Customer: “I can’t do that!”

Me: “Why not? Do you not have a fire extinguisher?”

Customer: “No, I do! But I don’t want to be liable for damaging the alarm system by putting out the fire!”

Me: “Sir, I’m going to just hang up now and call the fire department. I’d really recommend you go outside and wait for them.”

Customer: “You know, I don’t understand why you think this is such a big deal, young lady!”

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