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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Till Cyanide Do Us Part

    | Green Bay, WI, USA |

    (Note: My boyfriend recently gave me a promise ring; it has a very high setting.)

    Customer #1: “I love your ring. Where did you get it?”

    Me: “Oh thanks! My boyfriend gave it to me.”

    Customer #2: “Does it open up?”

    Me: “Um, I don’t think so.”

    Customer #2: “Because you know, it could be one of those rings that open up to hold poison.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer #1: “I don’t think her boyfriend would give her a ring that holds poison.”

    Customer #2: “You never know…”

    Ruh Roh, Retroactive Rewards Rage

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    Me: “…and your total will be ***. Would you like to join our rewards program? It’s a new program we’re offering where many of the items you purchase everyday will give you rewards toward future purchases.

    Customer: “You have a rewards program that could save me money?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. It’s a new program that we just started.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** didn’t anyone tell me about this before? I’ve been coming here for months, and no one has told me about this! How rude!”

    Me: “It’s a new program. We just started it today. In fact, you’re one of the first people that has been offered this reward.”

    Customer: “But I’ve been coming here for months! Do you know how much money I could have saved?!”

    Me: “It’s a new program–”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you wouldn’t have offered something like this to a regular customer when I started coming here! F*** you! I’m going to [competitor's store]!”

    Lax With The Anthrax

    | River Forest, IL, USA |

    (Note: I work security at a small university. A student approaches my desk.)

    Student: “I think someone might have sent me an anthrax letter.”

    Me: “Okay, why do you think that?”

    Student: “Well I got a letter telling me I might have won some money, but I haven’t entered any contests.”

    Me: “Was there any powder in it?”

    Student: “No. Just the letter. But it’s suspicious.”

    Me: “Companies send those out all the time to market things.”

    Student: “I really think it has anthrax.”

    Me: “Okay, give it to me.”

    Student: “Well, I threw it away in the computer lab.”

    Me: “You threw it away in a public trash can?”

    Student: “Well yeah, it might have anthrax!”

    Bugging Out

    | Florida, USA |

    Me: “911, what’s your emergency?”

    Caller: “If anyone calls about screaming coming from **** Road, disregard it. I just had a bug on me.” *click*

    Please Stow All Carrion Baggage

    | Ketchikan, AK, USA |

    Customer: “I have two bodies I want to get from Craig to Ketchikan.”

    Me: “Alright, I would suggest you take the earlier flight so you have time to clear TSA with the bodies.”

    Customer: “What! One of the bodies is me!”

    Me: “Uh…you said you have two bodies you need to bring in from Craig. Are you talking about just needing two reservations?”

    Customer: “Well, duh! What did you think I was talking about!”

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