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    How About Long Johnson Silver

    | Kansas, USA |

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need that book about the whale and the guy trying to get it.”

    Me: “Oh, Moby Dick? It’s right back here.”

    Customer: “WHAT?! I don’t want a book about dick! EW!”

    Me: “Um…Moby Dick is about the white whale and Captain Ahab. By Herman Melville. It’s a classic.”

    Customer: “Oh. Do you have any copies with a manlier title?”

    A Whole Lotta Latte

    | Wales, UK |

    Customer: “Could I have a mug of chino?”

    Me: “…sorry, a what?”

    Customer: “Mug of chino. I don’t think a cup of chino is enough.”

    Me: “…a cappuccino?”

    Customer: “No, a mug of it.”

    Me: “…”

    Because Aramaic Is Sooo Last Millenium

    | Nashville, TN, USA |

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I rented this movie, and ya’ll gave me the wrong one. This one has subtitles, and I wanted it in English.”

    Me: “Sorry, sir. But Passion of The Christ is supposed to be in subtitles. It’s the way Mel Gibson made it.”

    Customer: “Ya gotta be kiddin’ me! Why would he do somethin’ stupid like that?”

    Me: “Well, I’m guess he just wanted to be true to its roots.”

    Customer: “The idiot. Everyone knows the Bible is in English!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “So, can you fix it or what?”

    Me: “Fix it? What do you mean?”

    Customer: “Call up that Gibson feller and tell him to send you guys the English version!”

    Time To Break Out The Tin Foil Hats

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company]. My name is ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m being hunted by the FBI.”

    Me: “Sorry to hear about that…is there something I can help you with?”

    Customer: “The problem is, my cable TV is fine but no internet. The lights on the modem aren’t solid.”

    (As we go through all the normal steps, I hear the sounds of cars passing by and honking in the background.)

    Me: “Um, where are you?”

    Customer: “Oh, on the pole.”

    Me: “The…telephone pole?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’ve stripped the wire going to the house and stuck it directly in the modem. It still doesn’t work.”

    Me: “How are you powering your modem then?”

    Customer: “Oh, I have about 3-4 extension cords coming from my house. You know that it’s easier for the government to track what you watch on TV then what you do on the internet? I think I will cancel my cable TV.”

    Me: “Is that what you want to do? I can get a tech for you tomorrow morning if you want.”

    Customer: “Nah, just send me to billing.”

    Related: Tin Foil Hats (Wikipedia)

    Always Right, Even When Ripping Themselves Off

    | Albany, NY, USA |

    (The store I work has two deals: a buy three, get the cheapest item free promo, and a 40% off the most expensive item coupon. The customer comes up with three equally priced items and hands me the coupon.)

    Me: “Sorry sir, you can’t combine offers so you’ll only be able to use one promo–buy two, get one free or the 40% off. You’d save more if you use the buy two, get one free offer so you can keep the coupon for another time.”

    Customer: “Well, let me do two transactions then.”

    Me: “I could, but then you’d be spending more than you’d need to.”

    Customer: “Nooo…I’d get one free and one for 40% off!”

    Me: “No, that’s not how it works. See, if you buy these two, you’d get this third item free. So you’d only be paying for two items. However, if you split them up, the “buy two, get one free” offer is no longer valid because you need three items to get one free. So you’d pay for two items and then on your second transaction, you’d be paying for a third item.”

    Customer: “Yeah, but it’d be 40% off.”

    Me: “Yes, but if you did it in one transaction, you wouldn’t have to pay for a third item at all.”

    Customer: “Just let me do two transactions!”

    Me: “Okay, okay, sorry, I’ll ring you out now.”

    Related:
    Always Right, Even If It’s Child Labor
    Always Right, Especially When It’s Mom
    Always Right, Even When They Change Your God-Given Name
    Always Right, Even When Trafficking People
    Always Right, Even If It Requires Changing The Space-Time Continuum


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