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    One Slice Of Trigonometry, Coming Up

    | California, USA |

    Customer: “How many slices are in your medium pizza?”

    Me: “We cut it into 8 slices, but if you’d like we can cut it into 12 or even 16.”

    Customer: “Oh no! Don’t do that, I can’t eat that much. Just cut it into 8.”

    If At First You Don’t Succeed, White Lie Again

    | Canada | Top

    (Note: I help callers with connection problems to our wireless zones along train lines.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I can’t access your network!”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, let me help you. Where are you currently, sir?”

    Caller: “I’m traveling in between [city] and [another city].”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry sir, but there is maintenance being done in that zone. You will have to wait 20 minutes until you are back in a working zone.”

    Caller: “What can I do?”

    Me: “Just wait till the train is a bit farther on, and you will have a connection again.”

    Caller: “This is terrible! Where’s your manager?”

    Me: “Sir, it’s 4 am so I’m the only one working.”

    (The customer hangs up, but then calls back again.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “F***!”

    (Once again, he hangs up, and once again, he calls back.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “F***!”

    (Again, he hangs up, and again, he calls back.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Look, I have some important stuff to watch here. Can you fix the internet?”

    Me: “If you just wait 10 minutes sir, your internet will work again.”

    Caller: “So, in my zone, there’s no internet?”

    Me: “That’s right, sir.”

    Caller: “Can’t you move the satellite so I do have internet?”

    Me: “You want me to go into space and move the satellite?”

    Caller: *cheerily* “Yeah, that’s right!”

    Me: “Umm…well, that might take me a little bit of time, sir. I’ll have to call NASA and they’re very busy these days.”

    Caller: “Oh. How long do you think it’ll take?”

    Me: “About 10 minutes.”

    Caller: “That’s great! Thank you.” *hangs up*

    Digging Your Tree Out Of A Hole

    | Fort Collins, CO, USA |

    (I’m a landscaper paying a visit to a customer; he had called in complaining about a 5-foot sapling I had planted that was now dying.)

    Me: “What’s up with the tree?”

    Customer: “It died, see? Lemme show you!”

    (I follow the customer back to his lawn and notice that the sapling we planted a couple weeks ago was now apparently two feet tall and very dead.)

    Me: “Sir, what happened to this?”

    Customer: “It was going to get too tall so I decided to bury it deeper.”

    Me: “You buried it deeper?”

    Customer: “I dug it out, dug a deeper hole until it was the right height and then buried it again. Now it’s dead!”

    Me: “Sir, you do know you weren’t supposed to do that, right? If you wanted a smaller tree, you should have gotten a shrub.”

    Customer: “But I want a small plum tree!”

    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole

    To Give Credit Where Debit Is Due

    | Orlando, FL, USA |

    Me: “Your total is $79.82.”

    (The customer hands me her debit card.)

    Me: “Slide your card in the machine please.”

    Customer: “I already did.”

    Me: “Did you really? It doesn’t say you did.”

    Customer: “It’s talking to you? I think it’s lying!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, could you slide it again.”

    Customer: “Fine.” *slides card*

    Me: “Select a ‘Payment Type’.”

    Customer: “What is that?”

    Me: “The type of card you are using.”

    Customer: “Oh, debit.”

    Me: “Okay. Push debit.”

    Customer: “What is a PIN?”

    Me: “The 4 digit password.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. What is it?”

    Me: “I don’t know ma’am. It’s supposed to be private.”

    Customer: “Oh, well, just whisper it…I won’t tell anyone.”

    Me: “Just press credit.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “Here’s your receipt. Have a nice day!”

    Customer: “But I didn’t type in my PIN number.”

    Me: “It’s fine ma’am. You are done.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    (Customer sees my manager as she is leaving.)

    Customer: “That young lady was wonderful! She gave me free groceries.”

    A Smokin’ Deal

    | Ohio, USA |

    (A customer comes to me with a package of brownies with a “Special!” sticker on the top.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, miss?”

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Why are these brownies “special”?”

    Me: “They’re the bakery’s special of the week. They’re on sale now through Saturday.”

    Customer: “So, there’s nothing different about them?”

    Me: “I’m not sure what you mean.”

    Customer: *winking* “They’re not…’special’ brownies?”

    Me: “Oh! No, sorry, they’re just normal brownies.”

    Customer: “Never mind, then.” *sets down the container and walks away*

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