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    Must Have Been A Part-Time Thief

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (A lady comes in and I hurriedly wiped the table. She eats, finishes, and was about to leave.)

    Customer: “Have you seen my car keys? You must have swept it off the table when you were cleaning it when I just got here. Go check the garbage.”

    (I go check the bus pans.)

    Me: “No, they aren’t in the bus pans. Would they be in your purse?”

    Customer: “No, you must have them. Let me go check your garbage.”

    Me: “No, we can’t allow you to go through our garbage. The back of house is out of bounds.”

    Customer: “Well, someone must have taken my keys. Go check the garbage again.”

    (At this point, a coworker goes out to the parking lot and notices her keys still in the lock of her car door.)

    Coworker: “Are these your keys?”

    Customer: “Where did you find them?”

    Coworker: “They were on your door…”

    Customer: “Obviously, someone stole them from me and put them out there. My car could be been stolen!”

    One Plate Of Hot Air, Coming Right Up

    | Lexington, KY, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like the tofu & veggie dish, but I want that with no tofu.”

    Me: “Sure! We could add in chicken, or beef, or–”

    Customer: “No, I don’t want that. I just don’t like tofu.”

    Me: “I understand that. I don’t really care for it, myself.”

    Customer: “It’s not even a veggie…Oh, and can I have no veggies in that?”

    Me: “…What?”

    Customer: “I don’t want any veggies in that, either.”

    Me: “So…you want the tofu & veggie dish with no tofu, no meat, and no veggies?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Elemental State Of Confusion

    | California, USA | Top

    (I had just brought a table their glasses of water before coming back to take their orders.)

    Customer: “There’s something in my water! I demand a new one right away!”

    (She holds up an ice cube in her hand to show me.)

    Me: “Oh OK, I’ll bring you one without ice.”

    Customer: “Without what?”

    Me: “Ice.”

    Customer: “Ice? Huh?”

    Me: “Um…ice cubes.”

    (She looks at me blankly.)

    Me: “The little cubes of frozen water…”

    Customer: “FROZEN WATER! That’s crazy…why is it in my glass?”

    Me: “To keep your water cold.”

    Customer: “Well, if I wanted that I would’ve ordered an iced water! Haven’t you ever been to Starbucks? That’s the way a REAL restaurant does it.”

    Me: “…”

    The Secret Lives Of Customers

    , | California, USA |

    (I am helping a customer upgrade his cell phone, which was broken for some reason. I open the phone and set it on the counter.)

    Customer: “Gosh, I don’t know why it doesn’t–hey! It looks wet in there!”

    Me: “Oh? Well, it does, but the indicator says it’s not water, or at least it didn’t do any damage to the hardware.”

    (The customer picks up his phone, sniffs at it, touches the liquid and TASTES it.)

    Customer: “Oh! OH! The butter!”

    Me: “…sir…can I ask…how did you–”

    Customer: “You know, I’d rather not explain that one.”

    A Sleepwalk To Remember

    | Nova Scotia, Canada |

    (I work in customer service, where tobacco products and lottery tickets are purchased.)

    Me: “Do you need any cigarettes or lotto with that today, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Excuse me?!”

    Me: “Do you need any cigarettes or lotto today?”

    Customer: “What do you mean by that?”

    Me: “…do you need to purchase any cigarettes or lotto today?”

    Customer: “But, what do you mean by that?”

    Me: “I mean…do you want to buy cigarettes or lotto today?”

    Customer: *blank stare* “What?”

    Me: “Do you know what cigarettes and lotto are?”

    Customer: *shakes head* “Um…” *confused look*

    (I explain to her what cigarettes and lotto are, then I ring the lady’s purchase in and put it in a bag. She punches in her number for her debit card but stops halfway through and looks at me.)

    Customer: “Aw crap, I forgot to buy my cigarettes.”

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