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    Tiger, Tiger, Fake And Bright

    | Missoula, MT, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, is your tiger fur made of real tiger?”

    Me: “No. All of our fur is fake. It’s made of polyester.”

    Customer: “Tigers are made of polyester?”

    Houston Had It Easy

    | KY, USA |

    Customer: “What do you have in that’s good?”

    Me: “Well, we just got Apollo 13 in. It’s the true story of the Apollo mission.”

    (The customer looks perplexed.)

    Me: “You know. ‘Houston, we have a problem.’

    Customer: “Does it have any aliens in it?”

    Customers Can Stop You Cold

    | Fairfield, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Ma’am, I think your frozen yogurt is expired.”

    Me: “Really? What brand?”

    Customer: “I don’t remember. But it tasted funny last night when I ate it.”

    Me: “What was the expiration date?”

    Customer: “Not until next month. But it tasted funny. After I put it in the microwave, it was liquid and warm.”

    Me: “You put it in the microwave?”

    Customer: “Yeah, it’s frozen yogurt! You have to heat it up!”

    Provides A Pregnant Pause

    | MI, USA |

    (I pass by two very young girls, roughly 8 years old.)

    Girl, to her friend: “I just had my first child!”

    (I stop in my tracks before realizing that the children in question are playing a demo of ‘The Game of Life’.)

    A Stone’s Throw Away From Good Behavior

    | Rochester, MI, USA | Top

    (I am babysitting for a woman who refuses to leave the house. I am outside while her children are playing. She is watching us from the window.)

    Me: “[Child’s name], don’t throw rocks. They’re painful.”

    (When the child continues to throw the rocks at me, I take the rocks from him and put him in a time-out.)

    Mother: *rushing out of the house* “Don’t punish my children! Who do you think you are?”

    Me: “Ma’am, my employer requires me to give the children a time-out if they are doing anything dangerous.”

    Mother: “Wait, what? I thought you were just here to play with my kids!”

    Me: “Well, yes, babysitters usually do some sort of activity with the children.”

    Mother: “Why would I hire a babysitter if I’m here?! Why did you come here?”

    Me: “Ma’am, you called the company and asked them to send a babysitter to your house.”

    Mother: “Don’t punish my children!”

    (She chases me out of her yard with a duster. A few weeks later, she calls again for a babysitter. She was going to court because a neighbor’s child was hit in the head with a stone.)

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