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    Literally Dog Eared

    | Stockholm, Sweden |

    (A customer hands me really tattered and torn CD.)

    Customer: “I‚Äôd like to exchange this CD for another copy. It doesn‚Äôt play.

    Me: “What on earth have you done with it?”

    Customer: “Well, since there obviously was something wrong with the CD, I gave it to my dog to play with. You‚Äôre just going to return it right, so who cares about what condition it‚Äôs in?”

    Hailing Frequencies Open But Nobody’s Home

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Geeks Rule, Top

    (My brother runs a company that sells sci-fi and fantasy memorabilia. A customer came up to the table and started inspecting a replica Star Trek communicator.)

    Customer: “So does this actually work?”

    Me: “Oh, yes. When you flip it open, it lights up and plays
    authentic sound effects.”

    Customer: “No, no, I mean, does it actually communicate with the Enterprise?”

    Me: *joking* “Well, the ship would be out of range if it wasn’t in orbit.”

    Customer: *serious* “Oh, right!”

    GPS Needs Some Maine-tenance

    | Boise, ID, USA |

    Me: “Okay, which sandwiches off the menu would you like?”

    Customer: “I want olives.”

    Me: “Yes, but what kind of meat, sauce, cheese? We have our recipes up there for you.”

    Customer: “Look, all I want is olives. And sauerkraut.”

    Me: “I don’t have any sauerkraut for you sir.”

    Customer: “They have sauerkraut at other places! Like in Maine!”

    Me: “But not here. I’m sorry. And we are not in Maine.”

    Customer: *deadly serious and worried* “We’re not?”

    Not Exactly A Golden Ticket

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (I work a photo booth that takes everyone’s picture before they get into an attraction, we give tickets out so we can easily locate a customers photo when they come back. A customer hands over her ticket and I hand her the photo to see. She begins walking away with it.)

    Me: “Ma’am, excuse me. I’m sorry we actually sell those here.”

    Customer: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “Well, you have to purchase them. We don’t just give them away.”

    Customer: “But I don’t need to purchase it, I gave you a ticket.”

    Me: “Ma’am that ticket is only so we can find your photo, you need to purchase it if you want to take it home.”

    Customer: “But I gave you a ticket.”

    Me: “Everyone gives us a ticket. Sorry, ma’am, but you’ll have to buy that if you want it. It’s $5.”

    Customer: “This is the biggest scam in the world. I am not paying for my own photograph!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this is a business. If you don’t want to buy it you don’t have to, but we’re not going to give it to you for free.”

    Customer: “Can I at least get a discount?”

    Me: “Why would we give you a discount?”

    Customer: “BECAUSE I HAVE A TICKET!”

    Ball Buster Filibuster

    | San Jose, CA, USA |

    (I work at a video store, where in order to rent movies we ask for a phone number and then read out their name to verify the account. You can have one primary account name, with others added on to it. This particular customer was on the account under his wife.)

    Me: “Phone number, please.”

    Customer: *reads out number*

    Me: “Are you under [name of wife]“?

    Customer: “Not tonight. She’s mad at me!”

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