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    If At First You Don’t Succeed, White Lie Again

    | Canada | Top

    (Note: I help callers with connection problems to our wireless zones along train lines.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I can’t access your network!”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, let me help you. Where are you currently, sir?”

    Caller: “I’m traveling in between [city] and [another city].”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry sir, but there is maintenance being done in that zone. You will have to wait 20 minutes until you are back in a working zone.”

    Caller: “What can I do?”

    Me: “Just wait till the train is a bit farther on, and you will have a connection again.”

    Caller: “This is terrible! Where’s your manager?”

    Me: “Sir, it’s 4 am so I’m the only one working.”

    (The customer hangs up, but then calls back again.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “F***!”

    (Once again, he hangs up, and once again, he calls back.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “F***!”

    (Again, he hangs up, and again, he calls back.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Look, I have some important stuff to watch here. Can you fix the internet?”

    Me: “If you just wait 10 minutes sir, your internet will work again.”

    Caller: “So, in my zone, there’s no internet?”

    Me: “That’s right, sir.”

    Caller: “Can’t you move the satellite so I do have internet?”

    Me: “You want me to go into space and move the satellite?”

    Caller: *cheerily* “Yeah, that’s right!”

    Me: “Umm…well, that might take me a little bit of time, sir. I’ll have to call NASA and they’re very busy these days.”

    Caller: “Oh. How long do you think it’ll take?”

    Me: “About 10 minutes.”

    Caller: “That’s great! Thank you.” *hangs up*

    Digging Your Tree Out Of A Hole

    | Fort Collins, CO, USA |

    (I’m a landscaper paying a visit to a customer; he had called in complaining about a 5-foot sapling I had planted that was now dying.)

    Me: “What’s up with the tree?”

    Customer: “It died, see? Lemme show you!”

    (I follow the customer back to his lawn and notice that the sapling we planted a couple weeks ago was now apparently two feet tall and very dead.)

    Me: “Sir, what happened to this?”

    Customer: “It was going to get too tall so I decided to bury it deeper.”

    Me: “You buried it deeper?”

    Customer: “I dug it out, dug a deeper hole until it was the right height and then buried it again. Now it’s dead!”

    Me: “Sir, you do know you weren’t supposed to do that, right? If you wanted a smaller tree, you should have gotten a shrub.”

    Customer: “But I want a small plum tree!”

    Related:
    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole

    To Give Credit Where Debit Is Due

    | Orlando, FL, USA |

    Me: “Your total is $79.82.”

    (The customer hands me her debit card.)

    Me: “Slide your card in the machine please.”

    Customer: “I already did.”

    Me: “Did you really? It doesn’t say you did.”

    Customer: “It’s talking to you? I think it’s lying!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, could you slide it again.”

    Customer: “Fine.” *slides card*

    Me: “Select a ‘Payment Type’.”

    Customer: “What is that?”

    Me: “The type of card you are using.”

    Customer: “Oh, debit.”

    Me: “Okay. Push debit.”

    Customer: “What is a PIN?”

    Me: “The 4 digit password.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. What is it?”

    Me: “I don’t know ma’am. It’s supposed to be private.”

    Customer: “Oh, well, just whisper it…I won’t tell anyone.”

    Me: “Just press credit.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “Here’s your receipt. Have a nice day!”

    Customer: “But I didn’t type in my PIN number.”

    Me: “It’s fine ma’am. You are done.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    (Customer sees my manager as she is leaving.)

    Customer: “That young lady was wonderful! She gave me free groceries.”

    A Smokin’ Deal

    | Ohio, USA |

    (A customer comes to me with a package of brownies with a “Special!” sticker on the top.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, miss?”

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Why are these brownies “special”?”

    Me: “They’re the bakery’s special of the week. They’re on sale now through Saturday.”

    Customer: “So, there’s nothing different about them?”

    Me: “I’m not sure what you mean.”

    Customer: *winking* “They’re not…’special’ brownies?”

    Me: “Oh! No, sorry, they’re just normal brownies.”

    Customer: “Never mind, then.” *sets down the container and walks away*

    Elmer Fudd Calling On Line One

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cellphone store], what can I do for you today?”

    Customer: “I’m having a problem with my phone. Can I bring it to your store?

    Me: “If you want to bring it to us, we’ll do our best to troubleshoot the phone. But if it’s physically broken it’s unlikely we’ll be able to fix it. If that’s the case we’ll be happy to look into options to replace the phone.”

    Customer: “What would you consider to be physically broken?”

    Me: “Just something like a broken screen or cracks in the casing, or any kind of moisture damage.”

    Customer: “Moisture damage?”

    Me: “Right. We can’t really do much about moisture damage to a phone.”

    Customer: “Would that include rabbit blood?”

    Me: “… yes.”

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