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    Putting The LOL In Little Old Lady

    | Wichita, KS, USA | Top

    (I’m checking out my last customer, a little old lady, before covering a break when another customer starts unloading his stuff into the register. Note that I’ve shut off my light and put a “lane closed” sign up.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, my lane is closed. I have to go to another department and cover a break.”

    Other customer: “Well, isn’t that just f***ing convenient for you!”

    (Right on cue, the little old lady I was helping turns to the other customer.)

    Little old lady: “Who the h*** peed in your cornflakes this morning?!”

    Other customer: *storms off*

    (I hugged the lady and she is now a regular of mine.)

    A Man Of Two Words

    | Canada |

    Me: *ringing up a sale* “…and did you find everything you were looking for today?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Oh, that’s too bad. Would you like some assistance finding those items?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Okay. What was it that you couldn’t find?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “…pardon?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “So…did you not need any help today?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Then you have everything you need?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well then, have a wonderful day!”

    Customer: “No.” *takes bag and leaves*

    Sadly, This Amounts To A Sex Life

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Top

    (A customer and her two teenagers come up to my register at the theater.)

    Me: “Welcome to [movie theater], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Why is 28 Days Later rated R?”

    Me: “Violence, bad language, intense scenes, and nudity.”

    Customer: “What kind of nudity?”

    Me: “Uh, I don’t know. Let me ask.”

    (I turn off the mic and turn to my manager.)

    Me: “What kind of nudity is in 28 Days Later?”

    Manager: “Male.”

    (I turn the mic back on and speak to the customer.)

    Me, to customer: “It’s male nudity.”

    Customer: “Oh, we’re seeing this!”

    Customer’s teenagers: “Mom!”

    The CSR Of Delphi

    | Indiana, USA |

    Me: “Good evening, thank you for calling [bookstore]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “My husband is going in for a CAT scan, and he’s kind of claustrophobic. I was wondering what kind of equipment they use?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I really don’t have that kind of information. Maybe if you called your doctor?”

    Caller: “It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday night! My doctor’s office is closed, duh! That’s why I’m asking you!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we really don’t have that information.”

    Caller: “Well, you have books, don’t you? Why don’t you just go and look it up in a book?”

    Me: “Ma’am, we do have a small selection of home reference medical books, but I can’t look it up for you.”

    Caller: “Well, you have an intercom, don’t you? Why don’t you just page a doctor and ask him to come to the phone and talk to me?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We really aren’t allowed to do that sort of thing.”

    Caller: “Well, can you at least connect me with the information desk, or is that too much to ask?!”

    Me: “This is the information desk.”

    Caller: “Well, a fat lot of good you are!” *click*

    There’s No Substitute For Brains, Either

    | Miami, FL, USA |

    Customer: “Do you have a pill I can take instead of drinking water?”

    Me: “Um, what do you mean?”

    Customer: “When I’m at work and I drink water, I have to pee so much! I know there’s got to be a pill I can take instead.”

    Me: “There’s really no substitute for drinking water.”

    Customer: “No! I know there has to be some kind of pill you can take instead of drinking.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but there’s not.”

    Customer: “There has to be something. Never mind, I’ll try to find it myself!” *wanders over to the vitamin aisles in search of water pills*

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