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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Two Heads Of Lettuce Are Better Than One

    | Tennessee, USA |

    (I’m checking out a grocery store customer. Everything seems normal until she heads to the bagging area.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. I don’t have a bagger right now.”

    Customer: “Oh, that’s fine, I can bag!” *pause* “Would you like paper or plastic, ma’am?” *pause* “I’d like paper, please, thank you.”

    (I glance over at the woman from the corner of my eyes.)

    Customer: “I love your shirt!” *pause* “Thank you!”

    (I continue checking out the lady’s order.)

    Customer: “Oh, miss, you’re going too fast. Please slow down!”

    (I turn off my conveyor belt and continue to ring up her items.)

    Customer: “No, stop going so fast!”

    (I slow down for the last four items and then give her the total. The customer comes to the credit card machine to pay.)

    Customer: “Thank you, you’re such a wonderful cashier! We’ll have to remember to come through your line next time!”

    Three Dimensions Is Two Too Many

    | Brisbane, Australia |

    Customer: “Excuse me, but why are you closed at the moment?”

    Me: “Umm…sorry?”

    Customer: “Why are you closed?”

    Me: “We’re not closed, we’re open for business. Can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “No, you are closed. That’s what that sign says.” *points to hanging sign on door* “See? It says ‘CLOSED’ in big red letters.”

    Me: “Actually, that sign is to indicate to the people that are outside that we are open for business. It says ‘OPEN’ on the side pointing outwards. It flips, see?” *I go and show her*

    Customer: “But it says on this side that you are closed. Why are you closed?!”

    Me: “I can assure we are open. Are you sure I can’t help you with anything?”

    Customer: “I swear if this is one of those elaborate radio station hoaxes, I will never shop here again!”

    Just Follow The Purple Brick Road

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    (At the bike rental shop where I work, we usually give customers a map of the area to know the route they’re taking.)

    Customer: “Which of these routes do we take?”

    Me: “You’re going to follow the bike path. It’s the purple one on your map.”

    Customer: “Oh, perfect!” *to her friends* “We just have to look for a purple trail!”

    Totally Plastered

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    Me: “Alright, your cast is on nice and secure. It should heal within four to six weeks.”

    Patient: “Really? Only four to six minutes?”

    Me: “No, four to six weeks.”

    Patient: “Okay, four to six minutes.”

    Me: “Sir, it’s impossible for it to heal within four to six minutes. It takes about four to six weeks.”

    Patient: “Oh, all right.”

    (I turn around to fill out his form. When I turn back around, he has taken off his cast.)

    Me: “Sir, why did you take off your cast?!”

    Patient: “Well, you said it heals within four to six minutes, but you said it was too short, so I waited seven minutes…but it still hurts.”

    Me: “Sir, your arm is still broken. Four to six weeks is around a month and a half.”

    Patient: “Well, why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?! A month and a half is five weeks! Why did you say four to six minutes?”

    Me: “I never said…” *I pause and compose myself* “…okay, nevermind. Let’s put on a new cast.”

    Patient: “Oooh! Can I have a pink one?”

    Tit For Tat(too)

    | Ohio, USA | Top

    (I have a tattoo on my foot of a vine of ivy. Usually, I hide it with my socks and shoes while working, but one day they get wet on the playground so I take them off to keep from getting blisters. While I’m changing shoes, a child notices the tattoo.)

    Child: “Oh! What’s that?”

    Me: “It’s a tattoo, it’s like a permanent drawing on your skin you can get when your 18.”

    Child: “Can I touch it?”

    Me: “Sure, it just feels like skin.”

    (Several kids come over to touch my tattoo. A mother walks in.)

    Mother: “Is that a tattoo?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Mother: “You should be ashamed! You are setting a bad example for these children! That could be a gang symbol or related to drugs like marijuana!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s just ivy.”

    Mother: “What?! I don’t know anything about your drug symbols. This is highly unprofessional and I will be speaking to your boss! Advocating drugs like this!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Next time I’ll be sure to hide my tattoo, but I assure you it has nothing to do with drugs or any illegal behavior.”

    Mother: “You’d better! I can’t believe you would be allowed to work with kids!”

    (The mother bends over to pick up daughter, and I see a pair of dolphins tattooed very low on her back–AKA a “tramp stamp”. It’s visible just above her thong and low rise jeans. Rightly or wrongly, these tattoos often have a negative connotation.)

    Me: “Nice dolphins.”

    Mother: “I’m an adult! Don’t you judge me!”

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