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    Brand Spankin’ New Employee

    | Richfield, MN, USA | At The Checkout, Uncategorized

    (This is my first job. A customer walks up to my register to check out his items. However, my register is malfunctioning and I can not scan more than 15 items.)

    Customer: “Hello there, young’un. Just these for me today.”

    Me: “I do apologize sir, but I cannot scan more than 15 items today.”

    (I turn my head to see if there is another register open when I feel a hard pull on my collar. Suddenly, the customer pulls me over the register.)

    Customer: “I’ll teach you to disrespect your elders!”

    (He starts spanking me with his cane right by my aisle in view of my manager.)

    Manager: “I’d stop this, but it is really entertaining.”

    Never Heard Of Sausage Idiot

    | England, UK | Uncategorized

    Me: “Can I help?”

    Customer: “I want a refund on this instant barbecue. It’s no good.”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, sir. What’s the problem?”

    Customer: “The picture on the front shows meat on the grill, but there’s no meat inside this box.”

    (I am dumbfounded, but I don’t argue. The shop has a ‘no-quibble’ returns policy.)

    Me: “Well, I can refund that for you sir. Do you have a receipt?”

    (The customer hands over receipt.)

    Me: “I can see you bought three of these barbecues, sir. Where are the other two?”

    Customer: “At home in the freezer.”

    It’s Curtains For You

    | CA, USA | Uncategorized

    (I am walking the store. I see a woman digging through our curtain panels.)

    Me: “Can I help you find something?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for more of these curtains. You had them the other day, and I came back today to buy them.”

    (She shows me a curtain. I realize she’s in the wrong section.)

    Me: “Oh, okay. Those are actually over here.”

    (I lead her over to where the panels should be, but the space is empty.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, it looks like we’re out of stock. I can check the computer to be sure, but it looks like somebody else bought them.”

    Customer: “No, nobody could have bought them.”

    (She goes back to digging through the shelves.)

    Me: “They wouldn’t be over there, though. If we had them in stock, they would be right here.”

    Customer: “No, they wouldn’t. The other day when I was in here I hid them so no one else would buy them.”

    Me: “You hid the panels?”

    Customer: “Yes. So, can you help me find them?”

    A Need To Be Lifted

    | MD, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “This undergarment style has been discontinued. These are the last two.”

    Customer: “You only have two?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “You’re telling me that until Jesus comes, these are the only bras I can wear?!”

    Me: “…yes.”

    Cows Live Off The Fat Of The Land

    | Birmingham, England, UK | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Can you tell me which milk is full fat, please?”

    Me: “Of course. It’s this one with the blue lid.”

    Customer: “But that says 4%. I don’t want 4%. I want full fat.”

    Me: “The 4% means that 4% of the milk is fat, which is all of the fat milk has in it to begin with.”

    Customer: “But I want full fat milk, not 4%.”

    Me: “If it was 100%, then it would just be a bottle of fat, sir.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand all this new healthy stuff…”

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