Pressing All The Wrong Buttons, Part 2

, | Central Oklahoma, OK, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [bank] credit card services. Can I have your name, please?”

Caller: “You need to turn my d*** speakerphone on before I can talk, so I can hear you across the room!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t turn your speakerphone on for you. You have to do that yourself.”

Caller: “All the other f***ing banks can turn it on for me! What do you mean you can’t?!”

Me: “Sir, nobody has the ability to turn on your speakerphone for you, except for you.”

Caller: “Well, why the h*** not?!”

Me: “Sir, I can’t reach through the phone and push the speakerphone button for you. It’s physically impossible. You have to do it yourself.”

Caller: “What the h*** do you mean you won’t push the button for me?! Are you saying you’re not going to come push my buttons?! Where the h*** are you located?!

Me: “Central Oklahoma, sir. You have to push your own buttons.”

*long silence*

Me: “Anything else I can help you with, sir?”

Caller: “You’re too far to push my buttons anyways.” *hangs up*

Related:
Pressing All The Wrong Buttons

I Say Potato, You Say Something Obscene

| Port Clinton, OH, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer has ordered two beef subs.)

Me: “What veggies would you like on the first one?”

Customer: “Pickles, onions, tomatoes, and h*** penis.”

Me: “I’m sorry, pickles, onions, tomatoes, and what now?”

Customer: “H*** penis. And mustard.”

Me: “Okay. You said jalapenos, right?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Alright, then.”

(I put everything else on, then ask if I’ve missed anything.)

Customer: “The h*** penis.”

Me: “Jalapenos?”

Customer: “No.”

(I point at the jalapenos.)

Me: “These?”

Customer: “Yes! God! I only said it, like, three times!”

Thinking Outside The Box, Part 2

| Derby, KS, USA | Uncategorized

(Our store has a drive thru pick up window. There is no speaker box. We notice a minivan parked about 10 feet from the window, just sitting there.)

Manager: “Go act like you’re sweeping the sidewalk. While you’re out there, try and get a good look as to what this van is up to.”

(I go outside and report back.)

Manager: “Well, what is she doing?”

Me: “Talking to our wall, saying that we need to answer her.”

(My manager sticks his head out of the window, and tells her to pull forward. She pulls up to the window.)

Me: “How may I hel-”

Customer: *shouting* “I just spent 10 minutes at your speaker box and no one answered me! This is an outrage! I demand to be given the corporate phone number!”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t have a speaker box. I can take your order, if you’d like.”

Customer: *still shouting* “Then what is that on your wall?”

Me: “Well, that’s a sign saying what we have on special.”

Customer: “So, it’s not a speaker box?”

Me: “No, it’s a nylon poster.”

Customer: “Oh, I’ll take a pepperoni pizza.”

Related:
Not Thinking Inside The Box, Part 2
Not Thinking Inside The Box
Thinking Outside The Box
Not Thinking Outside The Box, Part 3
Not Thinking Outside The Box, Part 2
Not Thinking Outside The Box

£500 Non-Pays Of Summer

| Brighton, England, UK | Uncategorized

(A elderly customer buys an incredible amount of food, most of which is dried pasta and tinned fruit. The total comes to £500.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but your card has been declined due to insufficient funds.”

Customer: “Why is that?”

Me: “You don’t have enough money in your account.”

Customer: “Yes, I do.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it seems you don’t.”

Customer: “No, I do. I let Prime Minister David Cameron borrow some. He’ll put it back in soon.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Oh, yes. But you mustn’t tell anyone. I need this food now, so can you just put it through, please?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but without the money, I cannot complete your transaction.”

Customer: “When I go into hibernation for the summer, I’ll need to have plenty of food in my house.”

(I am shocked into silence.)

Customer: “You’re beautiful. How about we hibernate together this summer, sweetie?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Here’s my address. Look me up as soon as July hits!”

(She hands me a piece of paper and hurries out of the shop. I look at the piece of paper. It is actually just a drawing of the sun, with the words ‘TRUST NO ONE’ written below.)

Has Too Much Four-sight

| Location Undisclosed | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [pet microchip database company]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I already have a microchip registered with your company, but our dog received another chip. We were hoping we could link them so we can avoid additional charges.”

Me: “I can fix that. What’s the old and new chip numbers?”

(The customer reads off both numbers, but one doesn’t sound right.)

Me: “Sir, what are you reading that number from?”

Caller: “It’s on the dog tag they gave us today.”

Me: “You see, that number doesn’t sound like one of our chips. Give me just a second.”

(I talk to someone in another department, who thinks the number the customer gave starting with an F should instead start with a 4. I change the number, and the number clears as a new, non-registered chip.)

Me: “Okay. We took another look at the number, and we think the tag has a misprint. If we’re not mistaken, that number should start with a 4, not an F.”

Caller: “I totally read that 4 as an F.”

Customer’s wife, faintly over the line: “That’s what I told you!”

Me: “That’s alright. We’ve already taken care of linking the two chips. Either one will work to identify your dog. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Caller: “Do you have a number for a speech therapist? Or a kindergarten teacher?”

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