Featured Story:
  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Pissed Off (And On)

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    (I work as a plumber for a 5-star hotel. One day, I get a call from a guest with a clogged toilet.)

    Me: “Ah, okay…there’s probably a bunch of hair clogged deep down in these pipes.”

    Customer: “Well, can you get it out?”

    Me: “Yep. One sec.”

    (As I reach my hand down deep in the pipes with a rooter, I don’t notice the hotel guest turn on the water. It’s separately linked, and the water won’t activate unless flushed.)

    Me: “Okay, let me see if I got it…”

    (I try to pull up, but my hand gets stuck.)

    Customer: “You got it?! Oh, finally! I’m going to test it out, thanks!”

    Me: “No, sir, I haven’t linked the pipes back toge–”

    (The customer sits down and immediately lets out a thundering fart along with a large dump of diarrhea, simultaneously flushing. My head and the entire floor are soon covered with turd and piss.)

    Customer: “Oh my…well, I expect THIS to be complimentary!”

    Now Accepting Cash, Checks And Cheez-Its

    | Massachusetts, USA | Top

    (The cafe owners often bring their little one-year old girl with them, who sometimes plays with the register while standing on a crate. One day while I’m working on something else a few feet away, she’s doing this as a customer approaches.)

    Customer: “I’d like to order a sandwich to go.”

    Me: “Sure, I’ll be there in one minute. Let me just wash my hands.”

    Customer: “Yeah, but she can take my order now!” *points to the little girl*

    Me: “She’s just playing. She can’t actually ring you up.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “She’s one.”

    Customer: *heavy sigh*

    Toddler: “Cheese?”

    Related:
    Now Accepting Cash, Checks, And Fingerpaint

    The Cake Is A Lie

    | Lexington, KY, USA |

    Me: “Okay, would you like the cake to say anything?”

    Customer: “Like what?”

    Me: “Happy Birthday? Happy Tenth Birthday?”

    Customer: “Oh! Well, if you could teach it to sing ‘Happy Birthday,’ that would be great!”

    (I think the customer is joking, so I write “Happy Birthday” on the cake as usual. Later on, the customer calls in complaining that his cake didn’t sing when the candles were lit!)

    Taxing Faxing, Part 3

    | Michigan, USA |

    Me: “This is [office]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I was checking to see if you have received my fax.”

    Me: “I am sorry, that has not been received.”

    (I verify the fax number.)

    Caller: “Well, I wrote on the cover letter to call me if you didn’t receive it. Why didn’t you call me?”

    Related:
    Taxing Faxing, Part 2
    Taxing Faxing

    One Man’s Trash Is Another Man’s Half-Measure

    | Grand Rapids, MI, USA |

    (I’ve finished ringing up a customer with a cart full of booze and cigarettes.)

    Me: “Your total today is $498.34.”

    (The customer pulls out a check that has been taped together, having obviously been ripped in half at some point. It even has VOID written on it. He proceeds to scratch out the information on the check and write in our store name and the amount).

    Me: “You know I can’t take that check, right?”

    Customer: “This is my check, and you take checks for payment. You are going to take this d*** check!”

    (The customer gives me the check.)

    Me: “I can’t approve this. Let me get my manager.”

    (I go and get my manager.)

    Manager: “Can I see your driver’s license, please?”

    Customer: “Whatever. Here.”

    Manager: “I need to make a copy of this, just a minute.”

    (The name on the check and the driver’s license don’t match, so the manager returns with security.)

    Manager: “If you would come with me to our office, the police will be here soon.”

    Customer: “It’s my d*** check! I found it in the trash!”

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