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    Elmer Fudd Calling On Line One

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cellphone store], what can I do for you today?”

    Customer: “I’m having a problem with my phone. Can I bring it to your store?

    Me: “If you want to bring it to us, we’ll do our best to troubleshoot the phone. But if it’s physically broken it’s unlikely we’ll be able to fix it. If that’s the case we’ll be happy to look into options to replace the phone.”

    Customer: “What would you consider to be physically broken?”

    Me: “Just something like a broken screen or cracks in the casing, or any kind of moisture damage.”

    Customer: “Moisture damage?”

    Me: “Right. We can’t really do much about moisture damage to a phone.”

    Customer: “Would that include rabbit blood?”

    Me: “… yes.”

    Pretty In Puke

    | New York, NY, USA | Food & Drink

    (I’m a customer eating at a restaurant which has a house challenge: if you eat one of their extra large pizzas by yourself, you’ll get it free and get your name and picture on the wall. I’m watching another customer who has eaten half the pizza when this happens:)

    Chef: “You having trouble there, buddy?”

    Customer: “Nah man, I got this, I got this…”

    (The customer takes another bite, chokes it down and throws up on the floor.)

    Chef: “Woah, woah! Someone get that cleaned up. Buddy, I think you need to stop.”

    Customer: “Nah man, I got this, I can do this!”

    (The customer vomits again.)

    Chef: “Alright that’s it. You gotta quit, both for your sake and mine.”

    Me: “He’s spitting out more than he’s eating.”

    Customer: “Man just…gimme like two minutes and I’ll be okay.”

    Chef: “Tell you what, you get outta my store and I’ll give you the pizza for half-off.”

    Customer: “No way, I can do this! You just watch! You watch me right here, right now!”

    (He takes another couple bites, but doesn’t vomit this time.)

    Chef: “Look buddy, you puked. That automatically disqualifies you. Just go on home before I gotta throw you out.”

    Customer: “Nooooo! You don’t get it bro, I gotta do this!” *forces more pizza in his mouth*

    Chef: “Sorry buddy, but that’s it. You’re torturing yourself.”

    (The chef and another customer drag the guy outside, and that was the last I saw him that night. I later found out that the guy showed up the next day at the restaurant in a pink dress. Apparently, he had a bet with his friend that if he didn’t eat the whole pizza, he’d have to wear the dress for a day…)

    Let Me Transfer You To Our Fraud Department

    | Oklahoma, USA |

    Customer: “I need you to send me a return label for this lamp. I just opened it and I don’t like it.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, we do not pay for return shipping, ma’am, but you are more than welcome to send it back to us.”

    Customer: “Well, that is just unethical. I know you’ve sent me a return label before.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but it is our company policy that we do not pay for return shipping unless an item is damaged or defective.”

    Customer: “Well, it can be!”

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    A Tall Story

    | St Paul, MN, USA |

    Me: “Hi, what can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “A pack of cigarettes.”

    Me: “Can I see your ID please?”

    (He hands over an ID of an obvious relative, but not him. The ID says he’s 6’1” and 238 lbs, but this kid is maybe 5’7” and 180 lbs.)

    Me: “This is you?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    (I proceed to quiz him on everything on the ID and he gets it all right, without hesitation.)

    Customer: “Um, I’ve been sick.”

    Me: “So you lost some height then?”

    Solid Answer

    | PA, USA |

    (Our store phrase is “filled with love” and is printed on all of our products.)

    Customer: “So‚Ķ. if I bite into this… Will love pour out?”

    Me: “No, it’s solid love.”

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