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    The Point Of Pointing Fingers

    | New Orleans, LA, USA | Food & Drink

    (I am working the lunch shift when the phone rings.)

    Me: “[Restaurant], this is Lisa speaking. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Who is this?”

    Me: “This is Lisa, at [restaurant].”

    Customer: “You called me.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, this is a business, so any number of people could have called you. Do you know anyone who works here?”

    Customer: “No, you called me!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: *raising her voice* “YOU called ME!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t know what to tell you. I did not dial you.”

    Customer: *yelling* “You called me!”

    Me: “Okay, have a nice day!” *click*

    Me, to coworker: “I am never answering the phone again.”

    The Not So Subliminal Erotica

    | Jonesboro, AR, USA | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque

    (A young boy approaches the check out desk with a DVD of classic cartoons featuring characters like Popeye, Felix the Cat, Woody Woodpeck, and Betty Boop. I proceed to quiz him to see if he knows the characters.)

    Me: “Do you know this one?”

    Child: “That’s Popeye!”

    Me: “And this one?”

    Child: “Woody Woodpecker!”

    (He gets all of the ones right until my finger lands on Betty Boop.)

    Me: “How about her?”

    Child: *uncertain* “Um…”

    Me: “It’s Betty Boop!”

    (A look of instant recognition spreads across the child’s face.)

    Child: “Oh yeah! My dad’s got naked pictures of her!”

    Run Artificial Stupidity Program

    | Illinois, USA | Uncategorized

    (Our pharmacy phone system is down, so all pharmacy calls are going through the main line, which is answered by me. These calls include people trying to reach the automated prescription line.)

    Me: “Thanks for calling [store], where we offer flu shots every day. This is [name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “You’re not a machine.”

    Me: “No. If you were trying to reach the automated line, the phones are down. I can connect you to the pharmacist.”

    Customer: “I want the automated system. People are dumb!”

    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 2

    | Anchorage, AK, USA | Family & Kids

    Customer: “I’d like to buy this video game for my son.”

    (I ring up Grand Theft Auto Vice City and looks at her 7 year old child.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’d like to advise you that this game is rated M for mature. It contains graphic vio–”

    Customer: “Listen here, I know video games.”

    Son: “Mommy I want it now!”

    Me: “You don’t understand, it’s very–”

    Customer: *yelling* “Are you going to sell me that game or not?!”

    Me: “I will sell you the game, but you must understand that it’s not intended for children.”

    Customer: “[Son] gets what he wants.”

    (Three hours go by and I’m standing near the register. The same customer walks in looking exasperated.)

    Customer: “I’d like to return this.”

    Me: “Is there a problem with the disk? We can exchange the disk for free if there’s anything wrong with it.”

    Customer: “No. It’s not that. I walked in on my son playing the game. I witnessed him stealing a car, driving up to a prostitute, having sex with her, and then running her over and then get out and collect the cash. When I asked him why he did this, he responded, ‘b**** ain’t gonna need that money, she’s dead!'”

    Related:
    Grand Theft Innocence

    Model Behavior

    | Poughkeepsie, NY, USA | School

    (Several other high school students and I are on lunch break at a Model UN simulation. I am part of the Nigeria delegation. We are all about 15 years old.)

    Woman: “So, are you a visiting diplomat from Nigeria?”

    Me: “No, there’s a Model UN for high school students here today. I’m not really a diplomat.”

    Woman: “Oh, cool. So you’re like some foreign student who gets sent here to do some simulation?”

    Me: “No, I go to [local high school]. I’m not actually Nigerian.”

    (Note that I am white and do not in any way remotely resemble someone one would expect to be from Nigeria.)

    Woman: “Isn’t it a felony to impersonate an ambassador?”

    Me: “No, it’s a model UN meeting. I’m not impersonating anybody. My tag clearly says ‘Model United Nations.'”

    Woman: “Well, I’m reporting you to campus security!”

    (She goes over to the campus security booth nearby and says something to the guard. The guard responds and she angrily walks away. As soon as she is gone, he bursts out laughing).

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