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    Not Quite A Family Business

    | Germany |

    (The shop work in gives their staff a 15% discount using a discount card. Staff are allowed to lend that card to family members. On this particular day, I had left my name-tag at home.)

    Me: “That will be 79.00, sir.”

    Customer: “Oh, I get a discount. I just haven’t got the card at the moment.”

    Me: “Okay, who do you know that works here?”

    Customer: “Miss ***.”

    Me: “How do you know her?”

    Customer: “She’s my daughter!”

    Me: “Dad, last time I saw you, you had a beard and glasses!”

    Customer: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m Miss ***.”

    Customer: “Oh, haha, very funny. You’ve had your fun. Now give me my discount.”

    Me: “I’m afraid I can’t.”

    Customer: “You lying b***! You’re not Miss ***! I can’t believe my own daughter won’t give me a discount!”

    (The customer leaves in a huff. The next customer is an older woman and is laughing.)

    Next customer: “So, can I be your grandmother?”

    With Great Retail Power…

    | Staten Island, NY, USA |

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it seems like your credit card isn’t working. Would you like to pay in cash?”

    Customer: ‘What? That’s not possible. Try it again.”

    Me: *after trying a few more times* “Do you have a different card? This one might just be having problems. Or you could just pay in cash?”

    Customer: “No! I don’t have cash. Just give me the items.”

    Me: “I can’t do that, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Why not? I need them to stop the world from ending!”

    Me: “Sorry, I still can’t.”

    Customer: “What sort of a monster are you? If the world ends, you’re to blame!” *storms out*

    Part-Time Customer, Full-Time Cavity Crusader

    | New Zealand |

    (I’m restocking the confectionery section and have a trolley almost overloaded with boxes of candy and sweets.)

    Customer: *gasping* “Young man! How dare you! What’s your parents’ names and number? I’m going to call them and tell them you’re buying so many sweets!”

    (I point to my name badge.)

    Me: “I work here. I’m just restocking the shelves.”

    Customer: “Well…they shouldn’t have someone like you doing that then!”

    Directionally Impaired

    | Sandusky, OH, USA |

    (I work at a theme park and the ride I operate requires riders to pull down their own lap bars.)

    Me: “When you’re all seated, please pull down on the lap bars in front of you.”

    (Everyone is seated, and all but one guest pulls down their lap bar. She’s talking to her friends, so I catch her attention.)

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, could you please pull down on your lap bar so we can get the ride going?”

    Guest: *blank stare*

    Me: “The black lap bar right there in front of you. Just go on ahead and pull it down so it’s secure.”

    Guest: *blank stare, puts hands on the bar*

    Me: “That’s right, just pull it down…”

    Guest: *raises hands in the air*

    Me: “…”

    Four Legged Friends And Their Two Legged Twits

    | New York, NY, USA |

    (A customer comes into our pet store during the winter.)

    Customer: “When they salt the streets, it burns my dog’s paws.”

    Me: “Well, we have shoes for your dog right over here.”

    (I show her the different sets of shoes we have available.)

    Customer: “Wait, why are there four shoes?”

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