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    Someone’s Sleeping On The Tarmac Tonight

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Top

    (Around 12:30 am at the airport, a young woman in her mid-20′s strolls up to me at the check-in counter.)

    Me: “How are you this morning?”

    Female customer: “Alright. How early can I check in for a morning flight?”

    Me: “Using the kiosk boarding pass printers, you can check in up to 5 hours early, but you won’t be able to drop off your bag until we open again around 5 am. What flight are you on?”

    Female customer: “My name is *** and I’m on the 6:30 flight to Winnipeg. My fiance just broke up for me because of an argument that’s his fault. He just up and left, so I thought I’s come here and see. We are still on the same flight, too.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Well, at least you are on separate reservations. Did you want to go later?”

    Female customer: “No, I just want to get out of here. Is there a bar or anything open around here?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but the only thing open is the Tim Hortons, which is one floor below us, and the Mac’s stores on either end of the terminal.”

    Female customer: “Okay. Is there anywhere to sleep?”

    Me: “Sure, just head up to the third floor. There are some very comfy chairs, and it’s nice and quiet.”

    Female customer: “Thanks…” *leaves*

    (About ten minutes later, one of my coworkers calls a guy in his late 20′s up to her podium. I overhear their conversation…)

    Coworker: “Where are you off to?”

    Male customer: “Winnipeg at 6:30 am.”

    Coworker: “Okay. You won’t be able to checkin until 5 hours prior, and you won’t be able to drop your bags until we open again around 5 am.”

    (I know where this is going, so I walk over to the counter and chime in.)

    Me: “Can I ask you a very personal question?”

    Male customer: “Okay?”

    Me: “Did you just break up with your fiance?”

    Male customer: *surprised* “How do you know!”

    Me: “I just talked to her about 10 minutes ago. She is here at the airport.”

    Male customer: “F***! Where is she?”

    Me: “I sent her downstairs to the Tim Hortons, and then to the third floor to sleep.”

    Male customer: “Where should I go?”

    Me: “If you stay on this floor, you should be okay. Just head down the terminal further by the other airlines. She won’t look for you there.”

    Male customer: “F***! We’re on the same flight too!”

    Me: “I know. Good luck!”

    Oh, You Slay Me

    | Tucson, AZ, USA | Top

    Me: “Will that be cash or credit/debit?”

    Customer: “Debit.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll just need to see your ID.”

    Customer: “I don’t have an ID.”

    Me: “Well, then I’m afraid you’ll have to choose another payment method. There’s an ATM right down the–”

    Customer: *suddenly grinning* “I’M JUST KIDDIN’ YA! I have my ID right here.” *shows me her ID*

    Me: “Oh, haha. Alright. This all looks fine.”

    Customer: *cheerfully* “I have that kinda sense of humor where people don’t know I’m joking.”

    Me: “Oh, I have that problem occasionally myself.” *laughs*

    Customer: *laughs, suddenly turns serious* “I kill people.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “…”

    Every other customer who overheard: “…”

    Customer: *guffawing* “I’M JUST KIDDIN’! Have a good day, blondie!”

    All Roads Lead To Rome China

    | San Jose, CA, USA | Top

    (A customer is looking at our lamp displays).

    Customer: “Where in China are these made?”

    Me: “They’re not made in China; they’re all made in Italy.”

    Customer: “But where in China are these made?”

    Me: “They’re not made in China. All these lamps are made in Italy.”

    Customer: “But where in China are these made?!”

    Me: “None of these lamps are made in China. They’re made in Italy. It’s a country in Europe.”

    Customer: “But where in China are these made?!”

    Even Galaxon Spaceways Charges Extra For Luggage Nowadays

    | Melrose, MA, USA |

    (I work for an answering service where we get calls from tenants after hours with requests for the maintenance man.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’m in apartment 12. I need to leave a message for the maintenance man.”

    Me: “Sure, and what’s the message?”

    Customer: “Well, I’m leaving for awhile. I don’t know when I’ll be back. I need to know that he’ll keep an eye on my stuff.”

    Me: “Okay, is that all?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I think so. See, I’m leaving the planet tomorrow.”

    Me: “Um…excuse me?”

    Customer: “I’m leaving the planet. Problem is, I’m only allowed to bring one suitcase, and I have a lot of stuff in my apartment! I just need to know that it will be safe while I’m gone.”

    Me: “Okay, so you want me to tell the maintenance man to watch your stuff until you return from outer space?”

    Customer: “Exactly! Thank you so much for being so sweet!”

    Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 2

    | Israel | Top

    Me: “Hey there mate, what can I get ya?”

    Customer: “I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.”

    Me: “Coming right up!”

    (I serve him his drink, but as soon as I turn around to handle the other customers, a lowball glass comes flying through the air, hits the wall, and shatters to a million pieces. I turn back and see the customer with a frown on his face.)

    Me: “Why the h*** did you do that for?!”

    Customer: “Why’d you put f***ing ice in my drink?! I didn’t ask for no f***ing ice!”

    Me: “Yes, you did! You asked for scotch on the rocks!”

    Customer: “Yeah, and you put ice in it!”

    Me: “Do you know what a scotch is?”

    Customer: “Whiskey?”

    Me: “Exactly. And do you know what ‘on the rocks’ means?”

    Customer: “How you make it?”

    Me: “No, it stands for ice. Scotch with ice.”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “You’re gonna have to pay for the drink and the glass and then get out.”

    Customer: “How f***ing dare you?!”

    Me: “Do you know what on the rocks also means?”

    Customer: “No! What?!”

    (The doorman takes him by the hand, and then tosses him out the front door.)

    Related:
    Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World

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