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    Of Quick Comebacks And Minute Men

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Top

    (The store is very small with 2 registers and we call customers over one at a time to prevent overcrowding. A customer walks over to register with his wife, without being called.)

    Me: “Oh, hold on there, sir. You came too fast.”

    Customer’s Wife: “Story of my life.”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Dances With Fools

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA |

    Customer: “I’m hoping you can help me. I saw a movie on TV with Kevin Costner and I want to rent it but I don’t know what it was called.”

    Me: “Okay, what was it about?”

    Customer: “I don’t know, I didn’t see it all. But what I saw was him with a mustache.”

    Me: “Okay. Was it Western-themed?”

    Customer: “I didn’t see it.”

    Me: “Well, did it look like it was set in a different time period?”

    Customer: “No. It was with Kevin Costner. So, some time in the last 30 years.”

    Zombies Need High Speed Internet Too

    | California, USA | Top

    Caller: “When is my DSL install going to be done?”

    Me: “In two days, sir.”

    Caller: “My wife and children just died in a car accident yesterday. I need the internet sooner than that.”

    Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that. I will provide you a complimentary dialup account until your DSL is installed.”

    Caller: “But dialup is too slow…cancel my order!”

    Me: “Sir, if I cancel your order and you wish to schedule service again later, there is a three week wait.”

    Caller: “I don’t care! Do it!”

    (The next day, the same customer calls back.)

    Caller: “Hi, I need to know when my DSL is being installed.”

    Me: “Sir, you canceled your order yesterday. Would you like me to reschedule it?”

    Caller: “Yes, but I’m not waiting weeks for it, my wife is divorcing me and my kids need it for school.”

    Me: “I’m glad to hear that your wife and children have recovered from the fatal car accident.”

    Caller: *silence* “So…can I still get the dialup until my DSL is installed?”

    Me: “Absolutely!”

    Do Not Get Hitched, Go Directly To Jail

    | Carlisle, PA, USA |

    Customer:: “I’d like to order a cake.”

    Me: “Alright, what size cake did you want?”

    (We go through the details of the cake.)

    Me: “And what did you want the cake to say?”

    Customer:: “Welcome home from jail. Will you marry me?”

    Me: “Okay…”

    (The next week, the same customer comes back in with the cake.)

    Customer:: “I’d like a refund.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. What is wrong with it?”

    Customer:: “He said no!”

    Closing Arguments

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA |

    Me: “Tech support, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Your d*** program keeps closing on me!”

    (Note: the program she is referring to is our website.)

    Me: “What happens before the ‚Äòprogram‚Äô closes?”

    Customer: “I click ‘printer friendly’ so I can print off the page, then I use File->Close to get back to where I was, and the d***ed program keeps kicking me out!”

    Me: “You click File->Close?”

    Customer: “Yeah! This keeps happening to me with a lot of things! I hate computers.”

    Me: “Don’t click File->Close. Try clicking on the back button. It’s the button with the arrow pointing to the left.”

    Customer: “There it goes! Wow, you must have to do a lot of training for your job!”

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