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    The Wicked Witch Of The Pacific Northwest

    | Portland, OR |

    (I work at a very popular authentic garden in Portland. Even though it is August, it has been raining hard lately.)

    Customer: “Hi, I would like two adults, two kids.”

    Me: “That will be $$$.”

    Customer: “So what happens if it rains?”

    Me: “How do you mean?”

    Customer: “What happens if it rains? Do you refund everyone’s money or something?”

    Me: “Not really. This is Portland after all. We’re famous for heavy rains.”

    Customer: “Yes, but what do you do? There‚Äôs no tent or anything that you set up?”

    Me: “Well no, ma’am. This is a garden. We‚Äôre still outside, even though you’re paying to get in. And most of the time the rain doesn‚Äôt bother anyone…people still walk in the rain.”

    Customer: “They what?! They walk in the rain?! Don‚Äôt they get wet?”

    Me: “Well yes, but this is Portland. We’re used to the rain, and besides, the garden is very lovely in the rain.”

    Customer: “Oh my! Oh my! This cannot do. This is my vacation! Why does it have to rain? Don‚Äôt we get a rain discount or something?”

    Me: “No, sorry. If we gave discounts for every time it rained here, we would be well out of business. And this is a garden, so it needs rain.”

    Customer: “Oh God, oh God! The rain…it hurts!”

    No, Really: Sink Or Swim

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    (I’m manning the rope swing we have at the deep end of the pool. A guy in his mid- to late-30s comes up to me.)

    Guy: “Um, is this safe for me to have a go?”

    Me: “Sure, adults can use this. You’ve just got to be able to swim in deep water.”

    Guy: “Yes, yes. But it can hold my weight, right? It won’t break?”

    Me: “No, it’s safe. The water would break your fall anyway.”

    Guy: “Oh, okay.”

    (The guy grabs the rope, swings out and purposely lets go. However, instead of swimming, he begins sinking to the bottom with his hands weakly flapping as he tries unsuccessfully to pull himself up. I immediately dive in and pull him up. After I’ve gotten him out…)

    Guy: “You said it was safe!”

    Me: “You said you could swim!”

    Bird Brained, Part 3

    | Wyoming, USA |

    Customer: “I need a handbook about cockatiels.”

    Me: “Well we have some books on cockatiels right here, what did you need to know?”

    Customer: “I think my bird is pregnant. I need to know how to tell if my bird is pregnant.”

    Me: “Well this one has information about breeding and hatching eggs.”

    Customer: “I guess that will work. Will that tell me how to tell what sex my bird is?”

    Related:
    Bird Brained
    Bird Brained, Part 2

    Land Of The Free, Home Of The Naive

    | Virginia, USA |

    (I get a call from a new renter with whom I had signed a lease contract with the previous night.)

    Me: “Thanks for calling [apartments]! How may I help you?”

    Renter: “My name is *** and I just signed the lease last night. I want to cancel it.”

    Me: “Cancel? I’m sorry, but the lease is a binding contract between yourself and the management company as we discussed.”

    Renter: “What! I don’t want it! Just cancel it!”

    Me: “Well, there are some options. We can try to rent the apartment to another tenant to end your lease early, or, if you happen to qualify for a job or military transfer–”

    Renter: “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. I can’t believe that in the United States of America, I can sign a legal document, and not get out of it!” *hangs up*

    One Ink To Rule Them All

    | Burlington, ON, Canada |

    Customer: “I’d like a cartridge for my printer, please.”

    Me: “Yes, of course. Which one would you like?”

    Customer: “The one for my printer.”

    Me: “Which printer is it?”

    Customer: “The one that sits on my desk.”

    Me: “What type of printer is it?”

    Customer: “The one that sits on my desk.”

    Me: “Do you know the type or the cartridge number? Did you bring the cartridge with you?”

    Customer: “No. It sits on my desk. You must know which one it is!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t. All of these cartridges are for different types of printers, and I’ll need to know what type of printer you have.”

    Customer: “It sits at my desk! You have to know! I bought it here last year!”

    Me: “We sell hundreds of printers each year. Is it HP, Lexmark, or Epson?”

    Customer: “Look, I bought it here! I need a cartridge and I want it for the printer that sits on my desk!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but unless you know the kind of printer you have, I can’t help you.”

    Customer: “What horrible service! I’m never coming back here again!” *storms out*

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