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    A Complete Debarkle

    | Brisbane, Australia |

    (I work in the call center for parks & gardens.)

    Me: “Parks & Gardens, may I help you?”

    Resident: “I want a new street tree, please.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. Is there a problem with your current street tree?”

    Resident: “Yes. It doesn’t attract the native birds. I want a street tree that attracts native birds.”

    Me: “Okay. We don’t normally replace street trees just because they don’t attract birds. Other forms of wildlife use the street trees too. Is there anything actually wrong with the tree?”

    Resident: “Yes. It keeps on growing.”

    Not So Crazy About Tim And Daisy

    | Helsinki, Finland |

    (We sell DVDs as well as books. A customer has taken interest in the complete ‘Spaced’ DVD box. As it is one of my favorite shows, I offer to help.)

    Me: “Hi, can I help you? That’s an excellent show, by the way.”

    Customer: “Yeah? What is it about?”

    Me: “It’s a British rom-com with some geeky humor. The cast and the crew describe it as a labor of love, since they had such a small budget. You can really tell they enjoyed making it.”

    Customer: “I don’t want it if it’s made with love!”

    (The customer puts the box away with a look of disgust and leaves in a huff.)

    Moronnium Falcon

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    Customer: “I want to get a falcon. How would I do that?”

    Me: “Well, falcons are wild animals and can be very dangerous. If you want to get into falconry, you have to do a lot of research. I’m pretty sure you’d need a license to own a bird like that.”

    Customer: “Well, those are easy to get, right?”

    Me: “Well, no.”

    Customer: *points to parrot cage* “That’d be big enough for a falcon, right?”

    Me: “No, you’d need something much bigger.”

    Customer: “Oh, and I wouldn’t really need one of those gloves, right? I can just wear my sweater and the claws won’t go through.”

    Me: “Certainly not! There’s a reason those gloves are made of thick leather! Without one, you’d be badly hurt!”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, do you guys sell falcons here?”

    Me: “No, we don’t. Why do you want a falcon, anyway?”

    Customer: “I want to support my favorite football team! I figure having a pet falcon would be a great tribute!”

    Anything You Order I Order Better

    , | Evans, GA, USA |

    Customer #1: “I’d like a house salad with fried chicken. That’s with ranch dressing.”

    Me: “Okay then.” *turns to customer 2* “And for you?”

    Customer #2: “I want the exact same thing!”

    Me: “Okay, two fried house salads.”

    Customer #2: “Oh! I wanted mine with grilled chicken.”

    Me: “Okay. So one grilled house and one fried house, both with ranch.”

    Customer #2: “No. I want blue cheese dressing.”

    Me: “Okay, so a fried house with ranch, and a grilled house with blue cheese. Is that all?”

    Customer #2: “Yup!”

    Me: “Alright, your total is going to be–”

    Customer #2: “Oh! No cheese! I don’t like cheese.”

    (I’ve already sent the order to the kitchen. I excuse myself to go let them know. I come back and take their money.)

    Customer #2, to customer #1: “Isn’t it so much easier when we order the exact same thing?”

    Nothing As Dangerous As A Woman Porned

    | Inland Empire, CA, USA |

    (A customer has just finished checking out two adult movies.)

    Coworker: “Have a good evening, sir!”

    Customer: *whirls back after taking a few steps* “Oh crap!”

    (He rushes back to the counter before the next customer can come up.)

    Coworker: “Did you forget something, sir?”

    Customer: *trying to speak quietly* “I shouldn’t have used my card! Can you reverse it? I have cash! I can pay with cash!”

    (I notice the situation. I come over to help.)

    Me: “Sir, if it’s a problem I’d be happy to refund the charge back to your card.”

    Customer: “My wife is going to see it online! She’s going to kill me!”

    (He seems to be starting to panic.)

    Customer: “Yeah, you have to reverse it!”

    Me: “I see. Well, unfortunately, even if I do that the charge and the refund will both still appear on your bank statement, but–”

    Customer: *interrupting* “No good! I have to get to the bank right now! I have to stop them!”

    (He rushes out the door. He forgets the movies and has to run back in for them.)

    Me: “Sir, it’s alright, the–”

    Customer: “I have to stop the bank!”

    (He almost trips up running out again. He didn’t give me time to explain that his bank statement will only show our store name; not the titles he rented.)

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