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  • In That Case, I’d Like To Buy A Vowel

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (A customer is doing a large cash withdrawal at our credit union.)

    Me: “Would you like large bills today?”

    Customer: “Yes. Can I get one thousand dollar bills?”

    Me: “The largest bill the fed currently makes is a one hundred dollar bill.”

    Customer: “Well, they have them on game shows on TV!”

    Pissed Off (And On)

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    (I work as a plumber for a 5-star hotel. One day, I get a call from a guest with a clogged toilet.)

    Me: “Ah, okay…there’s probably a bunch of hair clogged deep down in these pipes.”

    Customer: “Well, can you get it out?”

    Me: “Yep. One sec.”

    (As I reach my hand down deep in the pipes with a rooter, I don’t notice the hotel guest turn on the water. It’s separately linked, and the water won’t activate unless flushed.)

    Me: “Okay, let me see if I got it…”

    (I try to pull up, but my hand gets stuck.)

    Customer: “You got it?! Oh, finally! I’m going to test it out, thanks!”

    Me: “No, sir, I haven’t linked the pipes back toge–”

    (The customer sits down and immediately lets out a thundering fart along with a large dump of diarrhea, simultaneously flushing. My head and the entire floor are soon covered with turd and piss.)

    Customer: “Oh my…well, I expect THIS to be complimentary!”

    Now Accepting Cash, Checks And Cheez-Its

    | Massachusetts, USA | Top

    (The cafe owners often bring their little one-year old girl with them, who sometimes plays with the register while standing on a crate. One day while I’m working on something else a few feet away, she’s doing this as a customer approaches.)

    Customer: “I’d like to order a sandwich to go.”

    Me: “Sure, I’ll be there in one minute. Let me just wash my hands.”

    Customer: “Yeah, but she can take my order now!” *points to the little girl*

    Me: “She’s just playing. She can’t actually ring you up.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “She’s one.”

    Customer: *heavy sigh*

    Toddler: “Cheese?”

    Related:
    Now Accepting Cash, Checks, And Fingerpaint

    The Cake Is A Lie

    | Lexington, KY, USA |

    Me: “Okay, would you like the cake to say anything?”

    Customer: “Like what?”

    Me: “Happy Birthday? Happy Tenth Birthday?”

    Customer: “Oh! Well, if you could teach it to sing ‘Happy Birthday,’ that would be great!”

    (I think the customer is joking, so I write “Happy Birthday” on the cake as usual. Later on, the customer calls in complaining that his cake didn’t sing when the candles were lit!)

    Taxing Faxing, Part 3

    | Michigan, USA |

    Me: “This is [office]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I was checking to see if you have received my fax.”

    Me: “I am sorry, that has not been received.”

    (I verify the fax number.)

    Caller: “Well, I wrote on the cover letter to call me if you didn’t receive it. Why didn’t you call me?”

    Related:
    Taxing Faxing, Part 2
    Taxing Faxing

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