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    On The Straight And Narrow (Minded)

    | Hertfordshire, England | Top

    (Note: I’m a female customer sitting in a pub. I’m approached by another male customer while I read a book.)

    Male customer: “Hello, my name is ***.”

    Me: “That’s nice.”

    Male customer: “So can I have your number?”

    Me: “Oh. Actually, I’m gay.”

    Male customer: “You want to have sex with women?”

    Me: “Well, not right now. Right now, I just want to read my book.”

    Male customer: “That’s bulls***! If you’re a lesbian then you want to have sex with women!”

    Me: “Honestly, I just want to read my book.”

    Male customer: “You’re lying to me, that’s very rude! I’m going to complain!”

    Male customer, to a waitress: “That girl over there is being really rude. I want you to do something, it’s disturbing my day. She just lied to me and told me that she was a lesbian, and now she’s mocking me.”

    Waitress: “What am I supposed to do about that? Make her straight?”

    Male customer: “Just do something about it!”

    Waitress, to me: “Hello, there.”

    Me: “Hello. I’m sorry about him.”

    Waitress: “Oh, it’s no problem! So, can I have your number?”

    Male customer: *looks horrified*

    Me: “Er, yeah, sure. Here.”

    (I write my number on a napkin and she takes it, still smiling.)

    Waitress, to male customer: “See? She’s a lesbian.”

    Male customer: “That’s not what I wanted you to do! I didn’t want you to ask her out, I wanted you to make her leave! I demand to speak to your manager!”

    Waitress: “Oh, he’s just popped out. I can get his boyfriend for you though if you want?”

    Male customer: *storms out cursing*

    (It turned out that the waitress was kidding about her manager, but she wasn’t kidding about asking me out!)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Don’t Huff A Book By Its Cover

    | Allentown, PA, USA |

    (I notice a group of kids come into our library and head back to an unused selection of history books where they are hidden from sight. I go back to ask if they need assistance.)

    Me: “Hello, were you looking for anything in particular today?”

    Kid: “Uh…we’re fine, just doing a report.” *holds up a book about the county from a few years back*

    Me: “Oh, well we have a newer version that you can borrow. It’ll be more accurate.”

    Kid: “Well, I like this one. It’ll work fine, thanks.”

    Kid’s friend: “Hey, actually do you have an older book?”

    Me: “Sure, does this work?”

    Kid’s friend: “Yeah, thanks!”

    Me: “No problem.”

    (I go back and talk to my coworker who promptly gets up and heads over to where the kids are. He comes back a few minutes later.)

    Me: “What were they doing anyway?”

    Coworker: “They were trying to get high off the old book glue. Lucky that older brand doesn’t work.”

    Me: “How’d you get them to leave?”

    Coworker: “I told the truth: that most of that dust comes from dead bugs and other people’s skin cells.”

    Taxing Faxing, Part 2

    | San Luis Obispo, CA, USA |

    Me: “We’ll need to put this on a credit card.”

    Caller: “I don’t have a credit card.”

    Me: “You can pay by check, if you’d like.”

    Caller: “Can I fax you a check? I really need this to start right away.”

    Me: “We can’t accept a faxed check, sorry.”

    Caller: “Well, can I fax you cash then?”

    Related:
    Taxing Faxing

    I Once Had A Brain This Big

    | Adelaide, Australia |

    Caller: “I would like to buy a mirror please.”

    Me: “Okay, we have beveled edges, shaped mirrors, plain mirrors. What sort were you after?”

    Caller: “Well I just need one to cover this space. So, can you tell me how much it’s going to cost?”

    Me: “Sure. I just need to know how big you need it.”

    Caller: “What do you need to know that for? It’s just a normal mirror.”

    Me: “I need to know the dimensions so I can give you a proper price.”

    Caller: “Fine, then. Hang on.” *Few minutes pass.* “Are you there?”

    Me: “Yes, I’m here. How big is it?”

    Caller: “It’s this big.”

    Me: “How big?”

    Caller: “I said it’s this big.”

    Me: “Are you standing there with your arms out?”

    Caller: “Yes, why?”

    Me: “Well, because I can’t see how big ‘this’ is. Look, I’ll send out a rep to quote you, okay?”

    Caller: “Fine then, come as quickly as you can. I’m a busy woman, you know!”

    Of Quick Comebacks And Minute Men

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Top

    (The store is very small with 2 registers and we call customers over one at a time to prevent overcrowding. A customer walks over to register with his wife, without being called.)

    Me: “Oh, hold on there, sir. You came too fast.”

    Customer’s Wife: “Story of my life.”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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