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  • Bigotry Comes In All Shapes And Sizes
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    Self-Rising Expectations

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Customer: “You bake all of this French bread here?”

    Me: “Yes sir, every day.”

    Customer: “Do you make the dough yourselves, or does it come in frozen?”

    Me: “Oh, it comes in frozen. We bake more than 100 loaves of French bread a day on top of everything else we make, so we really wouldn’t have time to make dough from scratch.”

    Customer: “So you’re cheaters then?!”

    Me: *thinking he’s joking* “Yes, sir, we certainly are!”

    Customer: “Well, that’s shameful!” *to another customer* “Did you know they don’t make the dough themselves?!”

    Customer #2: “It only costs a buck a loaf, dude. What do you want from them?”

    Thievers Can’t Be Choosers

    | Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [hotel]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I want to complain about these towels of yours. They’re really rough and scratchy.”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, sir… wait a second, are you calling from outside the hotel?”

    (I double-check the incoming call info, and see that it’s coming in on our toll-free line.)

    Caller: “Yeah, I’m at home.”

    Me: “And you’re calling to complain about towels you took from the hotel?”

    Caller: “Yeah, they suck. They’re not very soft.”

    Me: “Well, I certainly apologize for that, sir. If you’ll give me your name and address, I’ll have Housekeeping send you some new ones.”

    (Surprisingly, he actually gave me his info; not surprisingly, he called a couple of weeks later to complain about the bill we sent him for the towels.)

    The Effect Of High Tide On Man-In-The-Moon Bowlers

    | California, USA |

    (Note: We are 2 blocks away from the beach.)

    Customer: “Your lanes are crooked.”

    Me: “Sir, I assure you they are not crooked; we have lane inspectors that come in every 8 weeks and check for that kind of thing.”

    Customer: “No! MY LANE IS CROOKED! Every time I bowl, the ball goes to the right!”

    Me: *glancing at the clock* “Well, you know, it’s about 1:30. The tide is coming in.”

    Customer: “That has an effect on it?”

    Me: “Oh yeah, I mean, we’re only a few blocks from the beach…”

    Customer: “Huh… well, I guess I’ll try to bowl more towards the left, then…”

    Around The World…Eventually

    | Santa Cruz, CA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling ****, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I need directions.”

    Me: “Ok, where are you right now?”

    Caller: “Highway One.”

    Me: “Are you heading north or south?”

    Caller: “South.”

    Me: “Ok, so after the highway turns away from the ocean…”

    Caller: “Oh, I’m nowhere near the ocean.”

    Me: “Wait, you’re heading south, right?”

    Caller: “Yes, that’s what I just said!”

    Me: “Ma’am, what city are you in?”

    Caller: *names a city that’s about 30 miles south of where our place is*

    Me: “Oh, that’s actually south of us.”

    Caller: “I know that! Don’t talk to me like I’m a moron. I’m south of where you are, so I can only take the highway South to get to you!”

    Me: “Well then, we’ll see you here once you’ve circumnavigated the globe!”

    The Produce Section Is Too Deep To Ford

    | Edmonton, Canada |

    (I was a customer observing this exchange.)

    Customer: *picks up an apple and takes a large bite out of it*

    Employee: “Sir, what are you doing?”

    Customer: “I’m sampling an apple to make sure it’s not mealy. The last apples I got here were all mealy.”

    Employee: “Er…it’s generally not a very good idea to do that…those aren’t washed.”

    Customer: *sets the apple back down* “YOU DON’T WASH THEM?! Don’t you know you can spread dysentery?!”

    Employee: “They’re washed before they come in here, but we can’t wash them on the shelf. And sir, you have to pay for that.”

    Customer: “F*** that! I’m not paying for something that’ll give me dysentery!”

    Employee: “We can’t sell an apple that has a HUGE BITE taken out of it!”

    Customer: *stomps off*

    Customer #2: *observing nearby “Someone should tell him, ‘You have died of dysentery.’”


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