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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • They Do Have A Point

    | Durham, NC, USA |

    Customer: “I want two tickets to Precious.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, that doesn’t come out in this state until the 20th. It only opened limited in a few states today, but no theater in North Carolina will get it until November 20th.”

    Customer: “I looked on the website! It said you had it!”

    Me: “Please come inside to the customer service counter.”

    (I pull up our website and the Precious movie website.)

    Me: “See, both sites say that it doesn’t open here until the 20th. Sorry about the mix up.”

    Customer: “But Oprah said it would be playing!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but Oprah has no control over our movie schedules.”

    Customer: “Oprah controls EVERYTHING!”

    Music To My Wax-Clogged Ears

    , | Lewisville, TX, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon, [music store].”

    Caller: “Hi, I’m looking for sheet music to a song called ‘Beautiful Star of Bethlehem’.”

    Me: “I don’t think we have it in stock, but we might be able to order it for you. ”

    Caller: “Can you deliver it to me?”

    Me: “Sorry, we don’t offer that service. How about I give you a website to go to? You can probably order it from them and have it shipped to your home?”

    Caller: “Okay, what’s the website?”

    Me: “Sheetmusicplus.com.”

    Caller: “Sheetmusic.com?”

    Me: “No, Sheetmusicplus.com.”

    Caller: “Oh, Sheetmusic.com?”

    Me: “No, SheetmusicPLUS.com.”

    Caller: “Oh, okay. Sheetmusic.com.”

    Me: “No. SheetmusicPLUS.com.”

    Caller: “How do you spell that?”

    Me: *I spell it out*

    Caller: “P-O-U-S?”

    Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

    Caller: “Oh, P-O-U-S?”

    Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

    Caller: “Okay, P-O-U-S.”

    Me: “No. L as in Larry.”

    Caller: “Okay, P-O-U-S.”

    Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

    Caller: “How do you spell ‘com’?”

    Me: “C-O-M.”

    Caller: “C-L-N?”

    Me: “No, C-O-M.”

    Caller: “Okay, Sheetmusic.com. Thank you very much! Goodbye!” *hangs up*

    Pulling The Fur Over Your Eyes

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Me: “Hello, [pet hotel], how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I have five or six of these stray cats that keep coming in my yard. Can you come take care of them?”

    Me: “No sir, you would need animal control to help you with that. Would you like me to give you their number?”

    Caller: “But they’re killing my wife’s flowers! Why can’t you just come get them?”

    Me: “Sir, we’re a boarding facility, we watch peoples’ pets for them. We don’t take strays.”

    (The caller argues for the next ten minutes before finally hanging up. About two minutes later, the phone rings again.)

    Me: “Hello, [pet hotel], how may I help you?”

    Same caller: “Yeah, I have six cats that I need to board…”

    Faux-bi-Wan Kenobi

    | Wausau, WI, USA | Top

    (I am cleaning up at an office supplies store when a customer walks to the automatic door, about to leave the store.)

    Customer: *thrusts hand at door, palm out, as if he’s using
    ‘the Force’*
    “Whoosh!”

    (The door opens, and he looks back as he exits and sees me looking at him.)

    Customer: “Uh, I was just joking…”

    Me: “But that door wasn’t even on, sir!”

    Customer: *astonished* “Are you serious?”

    Me: “Nah, just kidding. Have a nice day, sir!”

    Menage A Fraud

    | North Carolina, USA |

    (I am filling out a fraudulent charge claim for a customer.)

    Customer: “There’s a charge on my statement for some medical thing and I never bought it.”

    (Note: the ‘medical thing’ is for ‘male enhancement’.)

    Me: “Okay, we can go ahead and file a fraud claim for you. So, just to verify, you never purchased anything from this company, correct?”

    Customer: “I never got anything from them!”

    Me: “Okay, so you purchased it, but you didn’t receive it?”

    Customer: “Well, it didn’t work! Not that I need it.”

    Me: “Okay, so you did receive it?”

    Customer: “No! I didn’t order it! I don’t need it! And it didn’t work!”

    Me: “Sir, you have to pick one. You didn’t order it, you didn’t receive it, or it didn’t work. But it has to be one; it can’t be all three.”

    Customer: “All of them!”

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