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    See If He’ll Fetch The Schtick

    | Kansas City, KS, USA |

    (A customer comes in and is looking at our Hanukkah stuff for dogs.)

    Customer: “How cute! Hanukkah stuff for dogs.”

    Me: “We also have Hanukkah collars.”

    Customer: “How do you know if your dog is Jewish?”

    Drop-Off(spring) Box

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (I am ringing out a man and his son. He looks around 5 years old. He keeps pulling things off the candy racks and asking for them.)

    Customer: “Stop, or I’m going to have to leave you here.”

    (The customer turns to me.)

    Customer: “What would happen if I really left him here? Would you have to call the police?”

    Me: “I think we have to.”

    Son: “Can I get this?”

    Customer: “No. Would you know how to get home from here?”

    Son: “Yep!”

    Customer: “D***!”

    (He laughs, pays, and leaves. I make sure he has his son with him.)

    A Complete Debarkle

    | Brisbane, Australia |

    (I work in the call center for parks & gardens.)

    Me: “Parks & Gardens, may I help you?”

    Resident: “I want a new street tree, please.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. Is there a problem with your current street tree?”

    Resident: “Yes. It doesn’t attract the native birds. I want a street tree that attracts native birds.”

    Me: “Okay. We don’t normally replace street trees just because they don’t attract birds. Other forms of wildlife use the street trees too. Is there anything actually wrong with the tree?”

    Resident: “Yes. It keeps on growing.”

    Not So Crazy About Tim And Daisy

    | Helsinki, Finland |

    (We sell DVDs as well as books. A customer has taken interest in the complete ‘Spaced’ DVD box. As it is one of my favorite shows, I offer to help.)

    Me: “Hi, can I help you? That’s an excellent show, by the way.”

    Customer: “Yeah? What is it about?”

    Me: “It’s a British rom-com with some geeky humor. The cast and the crew describe it as a labor of love, since they had such a small budget. You can really tell they enjoyed making it.”

    Customer: “I don’t want it if it’s made with love!”

    (The customer puts the box away with a look of disgust and leaves in a huff.)

    Moronnium Falcon

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    Customer: “I want to get a falcon. How would I do that?”

    Me: “Well, falcons are wild animals and can be very dangerous. If you want to get into falconry, you have to do a lot of research. I’m pretty sure you’d need a license to own a bird like that.”

    Customer: “Well, those are easy to get, right?”

    Me: “Well, no.”

    Customer: *points to parrot cage* “That’d be big enough for a falcon, right?”

    Me: “No, you’d need something much bigger.”

    Customer: “Oh, and I wouldn’t really need one of those gloves, right? I can just wear my sweater and the claws won’t go through.”

    Me: “Certainly not! There’s a reason those gloves are made of thick leather! Without one, you’d be badly hurt!”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, do you guys sell falcons here?”

    Me: “No, we don’t. Why do you want a falcon, anyway?”

    Customer: “I want to support my favorite football team! I figure having a pet falcon would be a great tribute!”

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