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    A Tale Of Two Stores

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA | Uncategorized

    (I sometimes cover shifts in another store in our region. A customer had come in on one of my shifts at the other store. She was mad because we didn’t stock her size in a pair of pants and I had been unable to find another pair in our stock room. She now comes into my normal store the next day.)

    Customer: “Do you have these pants in [size]?”

    Me: “I can look it up in our system for you.”

    Customer: “That’s what the girl at [other store] did. She was so rude and lazy!”

    Me: “Was she?”

    Customer: “Yes! She said she had them, and then couldn’t find them. She was a real cow.”

    Me: “Actually, ma’am, our system is often wrong. I did the best I could to find the pants for you the other day. I’m sorry that you feel that way.”

    (The customer then realizes who she’s talking to. She is speechless.)

    Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t carry the pants in [size] in this particular store either. So sorry I couldn’t find them again.”

    (The customer leaves without a word.)

    Keeping Abreast Of The Book Filing

    | Woodinville, WA, USA | Uncategorized

    (I am looking up a book for a little girl.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sweetie, my computer shows I’ve only got one copy of that book left. The display’s right over there. It’s empty, so that means someone else has it.”

    (A helpful customer overhears our conversation and produces the book.)

    Customer: “Actually, someone misplaced it. It was over there. Here you go!”

    Little girl, to me: “You must be almost as old as my mommy if you didn’t think to go do that!”

    Me: “Well, I could be. I don’t know. I don’t know how old your mommy is, sweetie.”

    (The little girl opens her mouth to tell us how old her mother is, but I interrupt her.)

    Me: “I don’t think she’d want you telling everyone how old she is, though.”

    Little girl: “Oh, no. That’s okay. She told my aunt on the phone this morning. After she sees the doctor next week, she won’t care if people know how old she is. They won’t believe it with her new boobies!”

    Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought, Part 2

    | Arlington, VA, USA | Uncategorized

    (I’m packing a carry-out order for someone who ordered two of each item: one regular, one gluten-free.)

    Me: “There’s your order. It’s all ready to go.”

    Customer: “Which of the chickens is gluten free?”

    Me: “The one on top. I put a little gluten-free sticker on it.”

    Customer: “Oh. Which of the soups is gluten free?”

    Me: “Well, I put the sticker on this one. But the soup actually has no gluten to begin with.”

    Customer: “Oh. But I can eat the gluten. It’s my friend that can’t.”

    Me: “I see. Well, neither of the soups has wheat products, so you’re fine.”

    Customer: “Oh.” *seems to be waiting* “Shouldn’t you put the gluten back in mine?”

    Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought

    Cigarettes Are His Achilles Heel

    | New Bedford, MA, USA | Uncategorized

    (A customer walks in, limping badly. His foot seems to be dragging lifelessly.)

    Me: “Are you alright, sir?”

    Customer: “No, I just shattered my ankle.”

    Me: “Do you want me to call you an ambulance?”

    Customer: “No, I just need a pack of smokes.”

    Polymorphic Pleasantries

    | Adelaide, Australia | Uncategorized

    (I am calling a Housing Trust tenant to arrange a new time for us to re-glaze her shower screen. The maintenance centre has just called to say this particular elderly lady has several doctor’s appointments. These conflict with her original appointment time.)

    Me: “Hello. This is [name] from [glazing business]. How are you?”

    Tenant: *chirpily* “Oh, terrible. It’s this blasted weather, you know.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

    Tenant: “That’s alright, love. How are you anyway?”

    Me: “Alright, thank you. I agree with you about the weather, though. Anyway, I was just calling about–”

    Tenant: “Oh, yes. I am all dizzy, and my head hurts. And it doesn’t help that I’m allergic to the sun.”

    Me: “That must be very frustrating. I just spoke to–”

    Tenant: “And I’m polymorphic! If I go outside and change form, they’ll get me!”

    Me: “That’s not a good situation to be in at all. Anyway, I understand you’ll be going into hospital on Tuesday morning. We need to change your appointment time. Is–”

    Tenant: “I hope I win the $20mil in the lottery this weekend. Then I can move to Tasmania. Oh, the weather in Tasmania! I hear it’s beautiful and cool over there. Not like here!”

    Me: “Yes, I’ve heard that too.”

    Tenant: “Oh, you’ve been there? What’s it like?”

    Me: “No, but I do have it on good authority that it is definitely cold.”

    Tenant: “Oh, good. I hate being in this pension house. If I win this weekend, I will move to Tasmania and get rid of the pension. They can’t get me there, because it’s over the strait.”

    Me: “It would be wonderful if you did win. Can we come Tuesday afternoon to fix your shower screen?”

    Tenant: “Hang on darling, I’m blind.” *papers shuffle* “Sure, love. I’ll be home from the hospital by then.”

    Me: “Fantastic. It was lovely talking to you!”

    Tenant: “And to you, dear! When I win this weekend, you can have a share.”

    Me: “That’s very kind of you. Have a lovely weekend!”

    Tenant: “You too, dear.” *hangs up*