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    The Chump With The Hump Under Her Rump

    | Cleveland, OH, USA |

    (I’m bus passenger and notice another passenger sitting with one half of her butt on one seat, and the other on another. The divider is between them, squarely up her crack.)

    Bus driver: “Ma’am, you’ll have to move. This bus is very crowded and you’re taking up two seats.”

    Passenger: “What do you mean I’m taking up two seats? This is how you’re supposed to sit.”

    Bus driver: “No it isn’t, ma’am. You’re straddling the divider.”

    Passenger: “You mean this isn’t the ass cheek divider?”

    Bus driver: “No, ma’am, that’s the seat divider!”

    Passenger: “Aw… but it feels good to sit like this!”

    Bus driver: “Well, ma’am, your …pleasure… will have to wait.”

    Wireless, Clueless and Hopeless

    | Limburg, Belgium |

    (A customer calls into our tech support line and says she is having a problem with her computer.)

    Me: “So, do you see an error message?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t get any errors. I don’t get anything!”

    Me: “Okay, what do you see on your monitor?”

    Customer: “I only get a black screen. Can you please fix it? I have a paper due tomorrow.”

    Me: “Ma’am, if your screen is black, that means your laptop isn’t turned on. Are there any lights lit?”

    Customer: “I don’t see any lights…”

    Me: “Well, can you try pressing the power button?”

    Customer: “That doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m sorry, but I think there’s a problem with your computer.”

    Customer: “That’s impossible! I just bought it!”

    Me: “Hmm, strange. Did you charge the battery?”

    Customer: “What do you mean, charge it?”

    Me: “Well, did you plug your computer in a power socket, with the included power supply?”

    Customer: “I need to plug it in? I thought it was WIRELESS!”

    Octomom, The Early Years

    | St. Thomas, ON, Canada |

    (A middle-aged woman who doesn’t look too well comes up to my checkout.)

    Me: “Hi! How are you today?”

    Customer: “I think I’m in labour.”

    Me: “Oh! Shouldn’t you be in the hospital?” *starts scanning her items*

    Customer: “Nah, this is my third one. I won’t go to the hospital until I know it’s coming out.”

    Me: “Oh. Um… all right.”

    (I finish ringing her up and hand her her bags.)

    Customer: “Yeah, it doesn’t hurt or anything. After the first one, you don’t really notice!” *takes her things and leaves*

    My Biggest And Loudest Fan

    | Florida, USA | Top

    (I worked for a university, calling alumni to ask for donations.)

    Alumnus: *on the phone* “Do they monitor your calls there?”

    Me: “Sometimes. That’s how they evaluate me.”

    Alumnus: “Are they monitoring this call right now?”

    Me: “I’m not sure; it’s at random times to keep me on my toes.”

    Alumnus: “Well, just in case – SHE’S DOING A GREAT F***ING JOB, BIG BROTHER!”

    Reach Out And Touch Someone’s Nerve

    | Canada |

    Me: *on the phone* “Good morning, **** speaking.”

    Customer: “I need to speak to a computer technician.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but nobody’s in right now. We don’t open for another 20 minutes or so. Did you want to try calling back in about half an hour?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “… um, OK. Can I take a message for them to call you back?”

    Customer: “No! I called NOW, so I want to talk to a computer technician NOW!”

    Me: “…but there’s nobody in to take your call.”

    Customer: “I need to speak with your manager.”

    Me: “Uh, why?”

    Customer: *angry* “I’M GOING TO GET YOU FIRED BECAUSE YOU MADE ME THINK YOU WERE OPEN BY ANSWERING YOUR F***ING PHONE!”

    Me: “So…you would’ve been happier if nobody answered?”

    Customer: “OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!”

    Me: “I think I do. Bye now!” *click*


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