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    Zombies Need High Speed Internet Too

    | California, USA | Top

    Caller: “When is my DSL install going to be done?”

    Me: “In two days, sir.”

    Caller: “My wife and children just died in a car accident yesterday. I need the internet sooner than that.”

    Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that. I will provide you a complimentary dialup account until your DSL is installed.”

    Caller: “But dialup is too slow…cancel my order!”

    Me: “Sir, if I cancel your order and you wish to schedule service again later, there is a three week wait.”

    Caller: “I don’t care! Do it!”

    (The next day, the same customer calls back.)

    Caller: “Hi, I need to know when my DSL is being installed.”

    Me: “Sir, you canceled your order yesterday. Would you like me to reschedule it?”

    Caller: “Yes, but I’m not waiting weeks for it, my wife is divorcing me and my kids need it for school.”

    Me: “I’m glad to hear that your wife and children have recovered from the fatal car accident.”

    Caller: *silence* “So…can I still get the dialup until my DSL is installed?”

    Me: “Absolutely!”

    Do Not Get Hitched, Go Directly To Jail

    | Carlisle, PA, USA |

    Customer:: “I’d like to order a cake.”

    Me: “Alright, what size cake did you want?”

    (We go through the details of the cake.)

    Me: “And what did you want the cake to say?”

    Customer:: “Welcome home from jail. Will you marry me?”

    Me: “Okay…”

    (The next week, the same customer comes back in with the cake.)

    Customer:: “I’d like a refund.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. What is wrong with it?”

    Customer:: “He said no!”

    Closing Arguments

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA |

    Me: “Tech support, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Your d*** program keeps closing on me!”

    (Note: the program she is referring to is our website.)

    Me: “What happens before the ‚Äòprogram‚Äô closes?”

    Customer: “I click ‘printer friendly’ so I can print off the page, then I use File->Close to get back to where I was, and the d***ed program keeps kicking me out!”

    Me: “You click File->Close?”

    Customer: “Yeah! This keeps happening to me with a lot of things! I hate computers.”

    Me: “Don’t click File->Close. Try clicking on the back button. It’s the button with the arrow pointing to the left.”

    Customer: “There it goes! Wow, you must have to do a lot of training for your job!”

    About To Get Charged With Battery

    | North Miami, FL, USA | Family & Kids, Technology, Top

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [electronics store]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi. I bought a Game Boy for my son a few days ago from your store, and it’s not working.”

    Me: “Did you purchase a warranty?”

    Customer: “Yes, is there anything you can do? My son was playing it earlier, and it suddenly turned off and refuses to turn back on.”

    Me: “Maybe it ran out of batteries. Did you try and recharge them?”

    Customer: “Wait, this uses batteries?”

    Me: “Yeah, there’s a charger that comes in the box. Try plugging that in and waiting a few minutes and then seeing if it works.”

    Customer: “But I threw the box out.”

    Me: “Did you take everything out of the box?”

    Customer: “Let me ask my son.”

    (I was put on hold for a minute.)

    Customer: “Well, I found the charger, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be needing it.”

    Me: “Why not?”

    Customer: “My son just snapped the system in half because he couldn’t get it to work. I don’t suppose the warranty covers that?”

    Me: “Unfortunately, no.”

    Customer: “I see. Then I have one more question: do you have any electronic child-spanking-devices?”

    Me: “Nope, sorry.”

    Customer: “I see. Guess I’ll need to do it the old fashioned way.” *click*

    Empty Boxes And Equally Empty Threats

    | Overland Park, KS, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to return this, but I don’t have a receipt.”

    Me: “Alright, let me see what I can do.”

    (I notice that she’s trying to return an empty display box, something no employee would have sold to her. It’s thus pretty clear that she shoplifted the box and is now trying to scam us.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t return this.”

    Customer: “Why not?! Just because I don’t have my receipt?”

    Me: “Well, this is an empty box. There is nothing in it.”

    Customer: “What do you mean? I bought it like that! How was I supposed to know it was empty?”

    Me: “There is no way you could have bought it like that. None of the employees here would have sold that to you.”

    Customer: “Well, they did sell it to me! You have to give me the money back. This is ridiculous!”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, tell you what. Let me see your driver’s license. I’ll make a copy of it and run it through our machine and see if I can give you a refund then.”

    Customer: “Uh…I left my license in my car. I’ll just…uh…go outside and get it.”

    (The customer bolts from the store while leaving the stolen display box on the counter, jumps into her car and speeds off.)

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