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    No Longer A Custo-Mary Holiday

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    (I am on the sales floor and there is a woman shopping with her little daughter. The daughter noticed a red and white sweater.)

    Daughter: “Look Mom, doesn’t this look like something Santa Claus would wear?”

    Mother: “Santa Claus? Who’s that? Santa Claus is a fictional man they made up to take the place of Jesus.”

    A Wii Bit Of Borderline Arrogance

    | New Hampshire |

    Customer: “Do you have any Wiis?”

    Me: “No sir, Wiis are all sold out.”

    (Customer pulls out a badge and flashes it briefly.)

    Customer: “You sure you don’t have any Wiis?”

    Me: “No sir, no Wiis. What exactly was that badge?”

    Customer: “Border Patrol.”

    (This being New Hampshire, I have to ask:)

    Me: “Which border?”

    Customer: “Canadian.”

    (Customer walks away with a self-important air.)

    Your Call Is Placed Two-Billionth – Hold, Please

    | Raleigh, NC, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, do you carry cell phone repeaters?”

    Me: “We do not.”

    Customer: “Any idea where I can get one?”

    Me: “The internet would be your best bet.”

    Customer: “Do you have the phone number for the internet?”

    Helping Is Its Own Reward (Card)

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Me: “Hello. Do you have a rewards card?”

    Customer: “No. Why would I want a stupid piece of plastic for?”

    Me: “Okay. That’ll be–”

    Customer: “What? Aren’t you going to lecture me on the benefits of your card?”

    Me: “Well, you get coupons and discounts.”

    Customer: “I don’t need that! Stop hounding me about your stupid piece of plastic!”

    So Stupid I Almost Painted

    | Queens, NY, USA |

    Customer: “I need some paint.”

    Me: “No problem, let me show you our selection.”

    (After taking her time picking out colors from all the swatches we have…)

    Customer: “I want these two colors mixed. I‚Äôm going to be painting stripes.”

    Me: “Sure, no problem. Let me mix it up for you. Would you like a gallon of each, or a different size? Also, would you like some painters tape and a couple of brushes?”

    Customer: “I only need one brush and I don’t need any painters tape, because you are going to mix the two colors.”

    Me: “You want me to mix the two colors?”

    Customer: “Yes, so I can just buy one gallon and paint stripes.”

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