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    Party Priorities

    | Detroit, MI, USA |

    (I am setting birthday invitations for a customer’s mother’s 90th birthday.)

    Customer: “Well, it looks great, except for one thing…”

    Me: “Well, all right. Just tell me the problem and I can fix it.”

    Customer: *pointing to the location and address on the invite* “Can we remove this? There’s too much information, it looks really cluttered.”

    Me: “…you want to remove the location from the invitation?”

    Customer: “Yes! It looks like too many words; I certainly wouldn’t read all that.” *points to RSVP information* “Actually, take that off too.”

    Me: “How are people going to know where to go, or how to let you know they’ll be there?”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m sure they can figure it out!”

    He Fought The Law, And The Law Won

    | Concord, CA | Awesome Customers, Top

    (A man has been causing a ruckus at the registers for ten minutes and a line had formed behind him.)

    Man: “I’m a lawyer and I know my rights! If you don’t take this return I’m going to sue the living s*** out of you.”

    (A woman in a professional-looking business suit steps up to the register. In a cool professional voice, she asks to see the receipt that the man is waving. After a moment’s inspection, she gives him a hard stare over the rim of her glasses.)

    Woman: “Sir, the store’s return policy is clearly printed on your receipt. They cannot take back opened CDs.”

    Man: “But–”

    Woman: “FURTHERMORE, by purchasing from this store, you are accepting the store’s return policy as a signed contract that you agreed to abide by.”

    Man: “I–”

    Woman: “IN ADDITION, by blatantly trying to circumvent this contract signed by you, no judge would rule in your favor.”

    Man: “But I–”

    Woman: “If you really were a lawyer, you would be fully aware of this fact. By claiming to be a lawyer when you are clearly NOT, you are committing an act of fraud, which can get you arrested.”

    (The man turns white and flees the store without another peep.)

    Woman: “I’ve had eight years’ experience working behind the registers, dealing with people like him. MAN, that felt GOOD!”

    1-900-WAR-PATH

    | Texas, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [phone company]. How may I help you today?”

    Female caller: “I’ve got this charge on my phone bill for almost $200, and I didn’t call that number.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, that’s not a problem. Let me get you phone number and I will pull up your bill.”

    Female caller: *gives phone number*

    Me: “Okay, I see one phone call to [phone number] for a total of close to $200. What I will do is call the number and find out what it is. If they know you, I can not credit you for this; if it is a business number, I also can not credit you for this.”

    Female caller: “Well, nobody in this house called that number. It’s just me and my husband, and we don’t know that number!”

    (I put her on hold and call the number; it turns out to be a phone sex hotline.)

    Me: “Ma’am, thank you for holding. I’m sorry, but that is a business number that charges per minute. They actually added the charge, not ourselves. I can’t credit your account.”

    Female caller: “What the f*** do you mean you can’t?! I demand this off my bill!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but they added this charge–not us. They billed it through us to you for calling them.”

    (At this point, I can hear her husband is in the background yelling and cussing about it too.)

    Female caller: “If you keep saying it’s a business that charged this, what is it?!”

    Me: “Um…’Big Girls…Want Your Love’, ma’am…”

    Female caller: “What in the h***?! Nobody called that–” *both her and her husband suddenly go quiet*

    Me: “…Ma’am?”

    Female caller: “I will deal with this b***s**t myself!” *slams down the phone*

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    And You Thought The ED Commercials Were Bad

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Top

    (Note: I’m helping a male customer find an IDE cable for his PC.)

    Me: “…and the cables are right here.”

    Customer: “This is for a full tower case. What’s the longest cable you have?”

    (I measure the largest cable I can find. I think it was 20 inches.)

    Customer: “Oh, that’s a bit too short.”

    Me: “Sorry, that’s the longest I have. What sort of length were you looking for? I might be able to order something…”

    Customer: “I need about 22 inches. That’s the story of my life…always two inches too short!”

    Me: *chuckles*

    Customer: *turns bright red and leaves in a hurry*

    Bad Combinations: Sharp Knives And Dull Minds

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Customer: “I’d like to return these knives.”

    Me: “Okay, was there anything wrong with them at all?”

    Customer: “Well, they were very sharp and my wife cut herself.”

    Me: “Sir, knives are usually sharp. Unfortunately, because you’ve used them there is nothing I can do.”

    Customer: “But they were extremely sharp! We were hoping to find a set that wasn’t so…sharp?”

    Me: “So you’re looking for a set of dull knives?”

    Customer: “Yes, do you have any that are more dull than this?”

    Me: “No…have a nice day!”

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