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    Miss Diagnosis

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Health & Body, Language & Words, Top

    Me: “Welcome, how can I be of assistance?”

    Patient: “I think my son has Liza Minnelli!”

    Me: “Liza Minnelli?”

    Patient: “Yes! I think he has Liza Minnelli!”

    Me: “Um…how did he contract it?”

    Patient: “He ate the raw chicken on the counter! I’m telling you, it’s Liza Minnelli!”

    Me: “Oh, you must mean salmonella.”

    Patient: “No, I mean Liza Minnelli!”

    Me: “Right, then. The doctor will see you now.”

    (The doctor sees the patient’s child and tells her that it is salmonella and not Liza Minnelli. On her way out…)

    Patient: “I still think it’s called Liza Minnelli.”

    An Abundance Of Nuttiness, Part 2

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Customer: “Where is the bulk smooth peanut butter?”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, we’re all out of smooth–”

    Customer: “No, that can’t be! I need smooth peanut butter!”

    Me: “Well, do you have a food processor?”

    Customer: “Yeah, so?”

    Me: “You could always buy some crunchy peanut butter and make it smooth at home.”

    Customer: “I can’t have crunchy peanut butter! It has peanuts in it! Are you trying to kill me?!”

    Related:
    An Abundance Of Nuttiness

    A Lack Of Common Scents

    | Richland, WA, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [clinic], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to know how much it is to descent my cat. He was a stray that was eating our other cats‚Äô food and we decided to keep him.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t de-scent a cat. He may be spraying to mark his territory, and if he is, we can neuter him.”

    Customer: “I assure you my cat has scent glands! He backs up to furniture, marks them, and if you startle him, he will turn around and try to mark you! And he’s mean too! If you try to come near him, he growls and tries to bite.”

    Me: “Ma’am, cats don’t spray when startled usually. Are you sure it‚Äôs a cat?”

    Customer: “Well, yes.”

    Me: “What color is it, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Black and white.”

    Me: “What do his markings look like?”

    Customer: “All black with two white stripes down its back.”

    Me: “Ma’am, that is not a cat. That is a skunk.”

    Customer: “Well, you have obviously never seen a cat before!” *hangs up*

    Six Feet Blunder

    | Florida, USA |

    Customer: “How much for two graves?”

    Me: “Spaces are $900 each, ma’am, so $1800 for two.”

    Customer: “There’s no discount for buying more than one?”

    Me: “No ma’am, because we’re deeding you the property, we have to treat each space separately.”

    Customer: “So, what if I buy five graves?”

    Me: “Because the spaces are $900 each, five would cost $4,500.”

    Customer: “Never mind, I don’t want to go in the ground anyway. What about those little crypt thingies that look like New Orleans graves?”

    Me: “A personal mausoleum crypt for two people runs at $13,000 including the name plating and vases.”

    (The customer inspects our display model.)

    Customer: “This thing’s pretty big. I’ll just buy this double one, and there will be enough space for all six of us.”

    Me: “Um, no, ma’am. This is for two people. There is only space for two, not six.”

    Customer: “I’m not stupid! You people are trying to rip me off! I’ll just tell my kids to put me in the backyard next to the hamster!”

    Disco Stu Does Not Approve

    | Portland, OR, USA | Bizarre, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (A man walks into our crowded coffee shop and yells at the top of his lungs.)

    Man: “EVERYBODY GET DOWN!”

    Supervisor: “Oh no, it’s a robbery!” *begins to call security*

    Man: “…on the DANCE FLOOR!”

    (The man then “dances” up to the front, past shocked customers, grabs a bottle of water, and “dances” out of the store. Security nabs him outside the door.)

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