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    A Minor Truth

    | Australia |

    (We have some yogurt and tomato paste which come in two packs. A customer will often come up with one tub, the one which will have no barcode on it, and we have to go find the other one in the pair.)

    Me: “Oh, this is just a single. Do you have the other half?”

    Customer: “No, it was just like this on the shelf.”

    Me: “Ok, well these come in two packs. Did you see the other one of the shelf?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I did, I’ll just go get it.”

    (The customer goes and gets the other half.)

    Customer’s Child: “Mummy, where did you go?”

    Customer: “I had to go get the other half of this.”

    Customer’s Child: “But didn’t you just break that in half?”

    Customer: “No I didn’t.”

    Customer’s Child: “Yes you did.”

    Customer: “No, it was just like this.”

    Customer’s Child: “Yes you did! I remember you saying you only need one, why should you pay for two? And then you broke it off.”

    Customer: “Alright, alright, here’s some money. Why don’t you go and get a toy out of the vending machine?”

    Ask Me Questions, I Tell You Lies

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    (A customer brings in a 20 year old pool cleaner.)

    Customer: “I need you to wet-test this for me!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we don’t offer that service. If you like, we can check it in, and bench test it.”

    Customer: “Fine, but I wanna watch what you’re doing. I just had it in here last week, and it’s broken again!”

    Me: “Do you remember who worked on it?”

    Customer: “It was that kid with all those tattoos”

    (One of our employees has a small tattoo on his arm. While he flips out, I find the problem: a part was put in up-side-down.)

    Me: “You sure [name] worked on this?”

    Customer: “Yes! I knew he would mess it up!”

    Me: “Well here is your problem. This part was up side down. Did you install this yourself?

    Customer: “Yes, I bought it here last week! And your guys came to my house last week, he cut off all my pipes, and he ruined my equipment!”

    Me: “Sir, the last service done at your house was 3 months ago…a filter clean.”

    Customer: “You’re not helpful at all!” *leaves*

    SkyNet: The Early Years

    | Kimberley, BC, Canada |

    (Note: I’m making calls to let people know that the movies they reserved are in.)

    Me: “Hi there, this is Sarah from . I’m just calling to let you know the movie you reserved is now in if you’d like to come pick it up.”

    Customer: “Oh, for Pete’s sake. These stupid f***ing recordings! I can’t believe even friggin has them now. You hear that, you stupid f***ing robot? YOU F***ING PIECE OF ROBOT S***!

    Me: “Um…sir? I am an actual person.”

    Customer: *hangs up*

    Why Skynet Annihilated Mankind, Vol. 1

    Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 4

    | Queensland, Australia |

    Me: “Welcome to [company], how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “My internet is broken. This is so ridiculous! This happened two weeks ago. Your company is to blame and I am not happy!”

    (The customer supplies their account details.)

    Me: “Okay, so I’ve just run a quick test on your connection here and I can see that it is logged in, you say that you just cannot get any connection on your computer?”

    Customer: “Yes! I’m getting ‘No Signal’. This is so ridiculous!”

    (I go through roughly 20 minutes of troubleshooting, with the customer getting more and more angry the whole time.)

    Customer: “It’s broken and it’s all your fault! It keeps saying ‘Check Signal Cable’ and it won’t go away!”

    Me: “It says ‘Check Signal Cable’?”

    Customer: “Yes! That’s what I said!”

    Me: “Ma’am, is your computer plugged into your monitor?”

    Customer: “Of course it…oh…” *click*

    Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 3
    Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 2
    Wireless Clueless & Hopeless

    Not A Chance In (Convention) Hall

    | Sydney, Australia |

    Customer: “So the next convention in Sydney is THIS Thursday?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. Would you like me to register you?”

    Customer: “Ah, well, Thursday isn’t really going to work for me. Could you move the convention to Friday instead?”

    Me: “I’m afraid that we have already booked the venue and the speakers and planned everything for Thursday. It’s a little late to consider changing the date, especially since we have around 70 people booked for this particular seminar.”

    Customer: “So…no chance at all then?”

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