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    Contractions Speak Louder Than Words, Part 2

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (It’s a very cold, snowy night. The store isn’t very busy, as most customers are tucked away safe for the night. The phone rings.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store name]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, do you guys deliver?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry. We don’t.”

    Caller: “But it’s really snowy outside. I shouldn’t have to drive in this weather.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Caller: “I’ll send my wife then. What time do you close?”

    Me: “9 pm, sir.”

    Caller: “One more thing: can you carry the bag to the car for her?”

    Me: “Of course I can.”

    Caller: “Great. She’s pregnant, and the doctor said she shouldn’t be lifting anything too heavy.”

    Related:
    Contractions Speak Louder Than Words

    Has Faith But Lost All Pope

    | New Orleans, LA, USA |

    Customer: “I’m looking for the Holy Bible.”

    Me: “Any particular denomination you’re looking for?”

    Customer: “The one written by Jesus.”

    Me: “Technically, the bible wasn’t written by Jesus.”

    Customer: “No, he wrote one. Everybody knows that.”

    (I decide not to argue and take her to see our bibles. She comes back down later, looking upset.)

    Customer: “None of those say they were written by Jesus. Where are the ones written by Jesus?”

    (I answer in the only way I can think of as helpful.)

    Me: “Maybe you should ask the Vatican City?”

    Customer: “Is that far?”

    To Make Up His Mind, He Would Need To Have One First

    | Madison, WI, USA |

    (A student is buying books. After I ring up his total, he pulls out a card.)

    Me: “Would you like your card run as credit or debit?”

    Student: “Which account do I want to use? Credit comes out of your savings account, right?”

    (I give a quick explanation of the difference between credit and debit. During this time the student has swiped his card through the machine, and followed the automatic prompts to charge his card as debit.)

    Student: “Okay. In that case, I do credit.”

    Me: “Sir, you just finished running it as debit.”

    Student: “Oh, right, okay.”

    Me: “Would you like a bag?”

    Student: “No. Wait, yes. No!”

    Some Allergies Can Be Swept Under The Table

    , | Capitol Hill, Seattle, WA, USA |

    (At closing time I mop the back lobby, the area farthest from the door and counter. This is so we don’t have to do it after we close and can leave faster. There are two customers, a mother and her teenage son, in the back lobby.)

    Me: “Just to let you know, after I finish wiping all the unoccupied tables I’ll be sweeping and mopping the floor. If you’re still here by then, the floor will be a little slippery when you stand up. I just wanted to let you know to be careful.”

    Customer: “I have asthma, and a lot of allergies. If you sweep back here while I’m here, I’ll have an asthma attack. Can’t you do it after you close?”

    Me: *smiling* “I have to clean the area now, but I’ll start on the other side of the back lobby.”

    (I finish sweeping the other section of the back lobby. I avoid the corner in which she and her son are sitting.)

    Customer, to her son: “She didn’t even listen to me! I’m going outside!”

    Me: “Ma’am, are you going to be all right? There’s a hospital right across the street. I’m sure they’d be able to help you if you’re having an asthma attack.”

    Customer: “No! I’m going outside to smoke!”

    Would Like To Explain, But They Haven’t Got Time

    | Buffalo, NY, USA |

    (A couple are talking in the TV section.)

    Wife: “Honey, come look at this 3D TV! The picture is amazing. Maybe we should think about getting one of these.”

    Husband: “No. We should wait until next year, when they come out with the 4D TVs.”

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