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    Pants-Fulfilling Prophecy

    | Salisbury, MD, USA |

    (A coworker of mine is looking through racks of clothes, trying to find where a shirt goes. A customer and her friend approaches her as she’s doing this.)

    Customer: “Why the h*** are you following us?”

    Coworker: “Um…sorry?”

    Customer: “You don’t have to follow us around the whole store. I’m not going to steal some cheap $5 shirt.”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m just trying to figure out where this shirt goes.”

    Customer: “Shouldn’t you know where it goes? You do work here!”

    Coworker: “Sorry, ma’am, they change the layout every few days.”

    Customer: “I should sue you for discrimination!”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, if I thought you were going to steal from us, the manager would be following you, not me.”

    Customer: “Whatever! We’re leaving!”

    (As the customer turns away, my coworker notices a tag sticking out from the pants of the woman who was with the angry customer.)

    Coworker: “Tell your friend that she can pay for that shirt she’s trying to steal at the front of the store.”

    Customer’s friend: “S**T!”

    (The customer and her friend both bolt from the store, dropping the shirt in the process.)

    Appease The Portuguese

    | Johannesburg, South Africa |

    (Note: Many South African liquor stores are owned by Portuguese people.)

    Customer: “Obrigado!” (Speaks in Portuguese.)

    Me: “Sorry sir, I don’t speak Portuguese.”

    Customer: “WHAT! Your family didn’t raise you in this s*** country to forget where we come from!” *guttural swearing in Portuguese*

    Me: “Yes, sir, but-”

    Customer: “WHAT THE F***! Did your daddy run away and leave your mother that you cant speak huh? You’re a half-breed! What you gonna do when this f***ing country goes to s*** and we gotta leave, huh?”

    Me: “Well–”

    Customer: “So do you even THINK of yourself as Portuguese? Or are you ashamed of where you come from or what?”

    Me: “I’m Spanish.”

    Best Customer (And Most Expensive Envelopes) Ever

    | Charleston, SC, USA | Awesome Customers, Money, Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Wireless Service Provider's] Financial Services Department. May I have your mobile number please?”

    Caller: “I am calling to complain that I have not been receiving payment return envelopes with my statements each month.”

    Me: “No problem, sir. Let me get your mobile number so I can pull up your account and see what’s going on.”

    Caller: *gives account number*

    Me: “Ok, just give me a minute to look through the account and see what’s going on.”

    (Looking through his payment history, I notice he’s been paying $60 a month for a $20 a month plan for nearly two years. As a result, he has over $1,000 in credit on his account.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, thanks for holding. It looks like the reason we haven’t been sending you envelopes is because you haven’t owed us any money for the past two years or so.”

    Caller: “But I’ve been using the service! How do I not owe you any money?”

    Me: “Well, your bill is only about 20 dollars a month and you’ve been consistently overpaying each month.”

    Caller: “Yes, I know! I have money, now and what if one day I don’t? I want to be able to have my cell phone! I NEED envelopes! Can you send me some right away?”

    Me: “Sir, basically you could not pay your cell phone bill for about the next several years and not have to worry about it. Why not let some of that balance wear down? You’ve really been paying way too much!”

    Caller: “But I need more envelopes! I don’t know why you can’t just send me some!”

    Me: “Sir, it’s all done in a warehouse. We don’t actually have stacks of letters laying around our office. Since the company isn’t sending you envelopes, why not just go purchase some from a store?”

    Caller: “No, I can’t do that!”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll take care of this for you…”

    (I end the call, hunt down a few generic non-labeled envelopes from the supply cabinet, and mail them to the customer. I check back on his account a few days later and he had called in to thank us for sending him the envelopes!)

    Uncouth Bluetooth

    | Lexington, KY, USA |

    (A cellphone customer walks up to my counter with a suspicious look on her face.)

    Customer: “Listen…you’ve got to help me! It’s my neighbors, they’re spying on me!”

    Me: “I’ll be glad to assist you in any way I can, ma’am. Is this related to your cell phone in some way…?”

    Customer: “Yes! They’re spying on me in my shower, with… bluetooths! And the camera on my phone!”

    (I glance at her phone, noting that it is neither bluetooth-capable or a camera phone.)

    Me: “Well, your phone lacks both of those capabilities, so I don’t think you need to worry.”

    Customer: “BUT THEY ARE! THEY STOLE THE PICTURES FROM MY PHONE AND PUT THEM ON THE INTERNET!”

    Me: “Have you tried calling the police about this?”

    Customer: “You’re in on it, too, aren’t you?!” *grabs her things and scurries off*

    On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 2

    | Kent, United Kingdom |

    (A 60-year old customer with a hefty beer gut comes into our clothing store. Note that I am an 18 year old girl.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, miss, I’m looking for speedos?”

    Me: “Oh right. Well, if you go to the front of the store and turn to your left, there are a few of them on a stand there.”

    (The customer continues to stand there staring at me.)

    Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?”

    Customer: “Would you like to see me try the speedos on?”

    Me: *horrified look*

    Customer: “Just checking.”

    Related:
    On The Need For Hazard Pay

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