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    (Glow)Stick of Bread

    | Kaiserslautern, Germany |

    (This happened a long time ago, not long after the Chernobyl nuclear reactor meltdown. I am marking bags of bread with large black X’s.)

    Customer: “What are the X’s?”

    Me: “The bread marked with an X is a day old, so it is half price.”

    Customer: “The X means it’s contaminated by Chernobyl, doesn’t it?”

    Me: “Nope. Just a day old.”

    Customer: *Winking and nodding.* “Riiight. Day-old. Gotcha.”

    (A couple minutes later the manager comes and tells me to help the frozen food crew empty a freezer that has stopped working. As we are loading the frozen food into carts to take it back to the walk-in freezer, the same customer wanders by. Her eyes suddenly get very wide.)

    Customer: “S***! Is there anything here that isn’t radioactive?”

    (The customer hastily exits the store, leaving her cart of presumably radioactive groceries behind.)

    Doubling in Dublin

    | Dublin, Ireland |

    (Note: It’s several days before Valentine’s Day.)

    Customer: “Just these, please!”

    (The customer hands me two Valentine’s Day cards. One is titled “To my wife,” and the other is titled “To my girlfriend”. Got to love his lack of shame!)

    Hell In A Handbag

    | Maastricht, The Netherlands | Criminal/Illegal, Religion, Top

    Me: “That will be 17.50, please.”

    Customer: “Are you a Christian, dear?”

    Me: “Why do you ask?”

    Customer: “Are you?”

    Me: “Well, no. Why do you want to know?”

    Customer: “Oh. I would like to be helped by someone else, please.”

    Manager: “Good morning ma’am, I hear you’ve been having a problem with the clerk?”

    Customer: “Oh, she didn’t make any trouble, it’s just that I don’t want my money to be handled by someone not of the faith. You should be careful, she’ll probably nick from the till when you’re not looking.”

    Manager: “You’re right, ma’am, I shall definitely have to reprimand her.”

    Me: *surprised* “What for?”

    Manager: “For failing to notice that the lady was not planning on paying for the three Mars bars and the map of Europe she must have put in her bag while you were fetching me.”

    (The customer freezes for a second, then looks at her bag.)

    Customer: “Good heavens! I must’ve been so distracted I didn’t even notice the devil putting them there!”

    May We Suggest Hire Education

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Customer: “Can I have an application to work here?”

    Me: “We will need a copy of your r√©sum√© before you fill out an application.”

    Customer: “What’s a r√©sum√©?”

    Me: “A r√©sum√© lists your work experience and contacts.”

    Customer: “Where do I get one?”

    Me: “You can find lots of books that tell you the correct way to fill one out.”

    Customer: “Can you write one for me?”

    Me: “I don’t think you’re gonna get this job.”

    See No Evil, Grope No Evil

    | Detroit, MI, USA |

    (One of the regular customers at our hardware store is an elderly man named Ernie. Ernie usually came in just after the store opened and there weren’t many customers, so I’d grab a couple lawn chairs off the shelf and sit out front with him, drinking coffee. Sometimes he’d make fun of my long hair by calling me ‘Missy’ or try to offer me a job as a secretary at his company as a joke, but I shrugged it off. One afternoon, Ernie’s wife comes into the store and encounters the owner. Note: I’m a man.)

    Wife: “I’m supposed to drop off these measurements to Jamie for the new kitchen floor they talked about this morning.”

    Owner: “You mean Jimmy? He’s the one that talked to Ernie this morning.”

    Wife: “I might have the name wrong. My husband said she’s a cute little brunette that wears glasses.”

    Owner: “We haven’t had any women working today, Ma’am.”

    (I walk out of the back room at this point. Ernie’s wife looks over in my direction, squints a little, and hands the piece of paper to me.)

    Wife: “I guess my husband’s vision isn’t what it used to be, sonny.”

    Me: “What do you mean, ma’am?”

    Wife: “His hearing is gone too! Don’t worry, sonny. He won’t be trying to play grab-a** with you any more!”

    (Ernie didn’t come in very often after that.)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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