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    Physician, Heal Thyself

    | Pawtucket, RI, USA | Uncategorized

    Caller: “Hi, do you have any reports by Dr. Smith?”

    Me: “Certainly. On what patient?”

    Caller: “Not specific ones.”

    Me: “Oh. So you need all Dr. Smith’s most recent reports?”

    Caller: “Not necessarily recent.”

    Me: “So, not specific patients, not specific dates. Do you want all his reports, ever?”

    Caller: “I think. I don’t know. Okay.” *hangs up*

    Don’t Be A Data Hater

    | Gera, Germany | Uncategorized

    Customer: “May I ask you something?”

    Me: “Of course. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’ve got some dirty DVDs. How could I clean them?”

    Me: “You should use a very soft towel with warm water. Don’t use too much. After cleaning, you polish the disks. That should work.”

    Customer: “Are you serious? I could smear everything!”

    Me: “No, the dirt will go away.”

    Customer: “Not the dirt. The data!”

    Reason For Refund Holds Water

    | Sydney, Australia | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I’d like to return this hat. It didn’t meet my expectations.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t return this for you. The hat is wet.”

    Customer: “I wouldn’t call it wet. That’s a bit presumptuous of you, isn’t it?”

    Me: “I don’t think it is. It’s wet.”

    Customer: “And where does it say in your returns policy that all items must be dry?”

    Nemo Would Not Have Survived This One

    | Germantown, WI, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hi there. Can I help you find anything today?”

    Customer: “My kids need a terrarium or an aquarium for a cub scout project. They have to observe it for 30 days.”

    Me: “Well, we don’t have any pre-assembled.”

    (I show her a tank, some pre-bagged dirt, plants, etc.)

    Customer: “So, could I put a fish in there?”

    Me: “Not with the dirt and plants, no.”

    Customer: “Can I just stick it in a bowl with water, then?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    Customer: “Do you have to do anything with it?”

    Me: “Feed it and keep the tank clean.”

    Customer: “Do I have to do that more than once a month?”

    Me: “Well, yes.”

    Customer: “How long do those fish live?”

    Me: “With proper care, up to a few years.”

    Customer: *scoffing* “That’s way too long! They only need to observe it for a month. What do I do with it after that?”

    Me: “You could ask your friends or your kids’ friends to see if someone would like to take it.”

    Customer: “Can’t I just flush it?”

    (I pause, not quite believing she was serious.)

    Me: “Well, ma’am, store policy is that animals always come first. Quite honestly, if I knew that’s what you were going to do with it, I would hesitate to sell you a fish.”

    Customer: “Oh, don’t worry. I wasn’t going to buy it tonight!”

    Telling Porkies, Part 2

    | Denver, CO, USA | Top

    Customer: “Is the chicken caesar sandwich vegetarian?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. It has chicken in it. But we can substitute tofu if you’d like.”

    Customer: “I don’t want tofu. Don’t you have any vegetarian meat?”

    Me: “Vegetarian means no meat, ma’am. Would you like a non-vegetarian option?”

    Customer: “No, I’m a vegetarian. Your menu says you have vegetarian options.”

    Me: “We do have vegetarian options. Anything can be made without meat.”

    Customer: “Why don’t you have any vegetarian meat?”

    Me: “Are you sure you’re a vegetarian, ma’am?”

    Telling Porkies