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    Vaguely Unfamiliar

    | South Dakota, USA | Top

    Customer: “I am looking for one of those things that are like a book, but not a book.”

    Me: “Do you mean a magazine?”

    Customer: “No, no. It is like a book, but not a book.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “You know! A book thing, but not a book.”

    (After the customer tries to explain this object to me for about 10 minutes, my coworker comes back from lunch.)

    Coworker: “What seems to be the problem here?”

    Customer: “I asked your coworker if you have those things that are like books but not books, but she is too simple to understand.”

    Coworker: “You mean a magazine?”

    Customer: “No! Is it so hard to just find one of those things? I thought this was a bookstore!”

    (Overhearing us, my manager tries to help.)

    Manager: “Is there a problem?”

    Customer: “I am looking for a thing that is like a book, but not a book.”

    Manager: “Well, let’s go look for it…”

    (My manager ended up leading the customer all around the store, pointing out every thing we had. The thing that was like a book but not a book? A bookmark.)

    When Customers Have You At A Loss

    | Allentown, PA, USA |

    Customer: “What do I need to get a warranty for my Xbox?”

    Me: “Depends, did you buy it new or used?”

    Customer: “Used.”

    Me: “Okay, you still have the receipt?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Okay, if it’s been less then two weeks you can bring the receipt down here and we can sell you a warranty that’ll extend the manufacturer warranty for another 2 years.”

    Customer: “So, if I bring my Xbox over tomorrow and buy a warranty you can replace it for me right then?”

    Me: “Wait, what?”

    Customer: “My Xbox broke about a week ago and I wanted to know if I could get a warranty tomorrow and you guys give me a new one.”

    Me: “How long ago did you buy this?”

    Customer: “Two years ago.”

    Me: “No, you can’t do that.”

    Customer: “What!? Why not? You just said I could.”

    Me: “Sir, that’s like buy a car, driving it through the wall of an insurance company and then climbing out and asking for full coverage. It’s just not going to happen. It’s bad business.”

    Customer: “Well, f*** you then!”

    A Calculated Whisk

    | Waukesha, WI, USA |

    (A customer arrives to pick up the meal he ordered over the phone.)

    Me: “So you would like to add to chocolate shakes to your phone in order?”

    Customer: “Yes, please.”

    (I crack out calculator to add the two orders and sales tax.)

    Customer: “Typical! Teenagers can’t solve any problems without a calculator.”

    Me: “Okay then, what’s your total?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. Let me see the calculator.”

    The Lights Are Off, But Sadly Someone’s Home

    | Kentucky, USA |

    Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [cell phone company]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, my phone is frozen and I can’t seem to get it do anything.”

    Me: “Seems like we need to do a soft reset. Take off the back cover and look for a little hole that says reset next to it.”

    Customer: “I don’t see it.”

    Me: “Okay, follow the line down to it that’s next to the battery.”

    Customer: “I still can’t find it.”

    (After 25 minutes and several failed attempts at trying to find the reset button…)

    Customer: “Oh, wait a minute…I think I know why. The lights are off in here.”

    Me: “The…lights are off?”

    Customer: “Give me a few moments and I’ll walk to the next room.”

    Craz-E

    | Baton Rouge, LA, USA |

    Me: *on the drive-thru intercom* “Welcome to [coffee company]. What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “I need an ‘E’.”

    (The customer immediately pulls away from the intercom.)

    Me: “What the heck’s an ‘E’?”

    Coworker: “Oh, that’s for [famous lawyer]. I don’t remember exactly what it is, but he always expects us to know it. He won’t explain it if you ask. Try a [incredibly complicated drink].”

    (The customer refuses to make small talk, and we notice him dump his coffee out his car window as he drives away.)

    Coworker: “We must not have got it right. He’ll try the location down the street next.”

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