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    A Wing And A Praline Conveyor

    | Evans, GA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, my daughter is right outside her flight but they won’t let her on. She has a pet bird she’s taking with her as her carry-on, and I KNOW we have it cleared so she can do that!”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, one moment while I pull up your daughter’s flight information.”

    (I look through the information, and it’s all there. She has permission to take the little pet bird onto the plane as long as she keeps it in her lap. Curious about what the issue could be, I call up the person at the desk at her flight. After a moment of talking, I return to the caller on the phone.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I found out what the problem is.”

    Caller: “There shouldn’t be a problem! My daughter has permission to take her bird on the plane with her!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you can’t take a pet bird on a plane in a cookie jar…”

    Age Is But A (Phone) Number

    | Reynoldsburg, OH, USA |

    (Note: I’m dealing with a male customer in his forties or fifties at the checkout stand.)

    Me: “Do you have a rewards card?”

    Customer: “Yeah, but I don’t have it with me.”

    Me: “That’s perfectly fine. Can I have your phone number?”

    Customer: “Uh…can I ask you a personal question?”

    Me: “Sure?”

    Customer: “How old are you?”

    Me: “I’m seventeen.”

    Customer: “Awesome! I’m gonna go home and tell my wife a seventeen year old asked for my number. Thanks!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Not Responsible For Lost Or Eaten Children

    | Brookfield, IL, USA |

    (Our zoo recently put several robotic dinosaurs in the park to help boost attendance. While working a snack stand, a family of three walks up to me.)

    Father: “Excuse me, sir?”

    Me: “Yes, how can I help you?”

    Father: “Are the dinosaurs real?”

    Me: “No, sir. They are not.”

    Father: “But we saw them move…”

    Me: “They are robotic dinosaurs. They have parts to make them move a little.”

    Father: “Then why are they in the zoo if they are not real?”

    Me: “It’s to teach our guests about dinosaurs.”

    Son: “So are they real, dad?”

    Father: *suddenly angry* “No, they are not! These f***ing people have fake animals!”

    (As the father and son begin to walk away, the mother stays behind to tell me one last thing.)

    Mother: “You know dear, maybe you should get real dinosaurs. That way, you won’t have problems like this.”

    Sometimes On The John But Always On The Job

    | California, USA |

    (I’m taking a restroom break in one of our single-person restrooms. I am also male. A female customer breaks the flimsy lock and barges in.)

    Me: “Whoa! What are you doing?”

    Customer: “I’m trying to use the restroom. Your door handle was broken.”

    Me: “Ma’am, it was locked, and there is another restroom for women to
    use right next to you!”

    Customer: “Huh? I didn’t notice that before.”

    (She continues to stand there for a bit, while I’m still covering myself up.)

    Me: “Um, I was hoping to use the restroom. Can you please close the door and let me finish?”

    Customer: “Actually I was wondering if you could help me find the baking stuff?”

    Me: “I can’t, I’m using the restroom. Can’t you see that?”

    Customer: “Good Lord, I’m never coming back here! Your service is awful!”

    Miss Diagnosis

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Health & Body, Language & Words, Top

    Me: “Welcome, how can I be of assistance?”

    Patient: “I think my son has Liza Minnelli!”

    Me: “Liza Minnelli?”

    Patient: “Yes! I think he has Liza Minnelli!”

    Me: “Um…how did he contract it?”

    Patient: “He ate the raw chicken on the counter! I’m telling you, it’s Liza Minnelli!”

    Me: “Oh, you must mean salmonella.”

    Patient: “No, I mean Liza Minnelli!”

    Me: “Right, then. The doctor will see you now.”

    (The doctor sees the patient’s child and tells her that it is salmonella and not Liza Minnelli. On her way out…)

    Patient: “I still think it’s called Liza Minnelli.”

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