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    Kids Love To Wise-Crack

    | United Kingdom | Family & Kids, Uncategorized

    (I give activity sessions for young children at a small museum in Scotland. During one of the sessions, the children have to guess what a mystery object is – in this case, some tobacco leaves.)

    Me: “So you’ve guessed it’s some leaves. Does anybody know what leaves these are? A clue is the smell.”

    (The children look nonplussed, understandably.)

    Me: “Well, it’s a good thing you don’t know what this is. You’re all a bit young to be allowed this. Any guesses?”

    Child: “CRACK!”

    Knocked It Before He Thai’d It

    | St. Paul, MN, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Uncategorized

    (Our store has a hot lunch station, which includes soup made in house.)

    Customer: “Is there a schedule for the soups? Like, is it the same thing week after week?”

    Me: “It is right here.” *pointing to this month’s soup menu*

    Customer: “It seems like the soups lately have all been kind of, well, leftish fringe. All red lentils and stuff.”

    (He scrutinizes the menu, muttering to himself.)

    Customer: “Ha! ‘German Sausage and Potato’. That’s normal. Who knows what the h*** is in ‘Thai Curry’."

    Don’t Have A Cow Man

    | Canberra, Australia | Food & Drink, Top

    (It is a very busy morning and I am the only one on staff. A customer cuts past the line and starts asking about soy milk quite angrily.)

    Customer: “I need soy milk. I’m vegan.”

    Me: “I can’t guarantee that the milk is 100% vegan, sir.”

    Customer: “Show me your soy milk! Hurry up!”

    (I leave the coffee machine and get one for him.)

    Me: “We have [brand] soymilk. Is that okay?”

    Customer: “What are the ingredients? Hurry up! I’m vegan.”

    Me: “Soy juice, sir. You can read it if you want and see if it’s okay for you.”

    Customer: “I don’t have time to read! You read it for me! I’m vegan!”

    Me: “I don’t have time to read it for you. I’m busy serving the 10 people you pushed in front of.”

    Customer: *waving bottle* “I need you to read it! I’m a vegan!”

    Regular customer: “Shut the f*** up and go buy your own Soy milk then.”

    Customer: “You can’t say that to me!”

    (The vegan guy throws the soy on the counter and storms off.)

    Me: “Thanks guys.”

    Regular Customer: “Can I have a latte on light milk? You don’t have to read the ingredients. I’m pretty sure it came from a cow.”

    Not Much Food For Thought

    | Livonia, MI, USA | Food & Drink, Uncategorized

    (I’m a hostess seating a very attractive couple and their adorable 9-month-old baby.)

    Me: "Do we have anything to celebrate tonight?"

    Wife: "No…well…"

    Me: "Yes?"

    Wife: *as if divulging a great secret* "Well, I’ve been on a cleanse since I had my baby, and I’m only allowed to eat on certain days. Today…I get to eat DINNER!"

    Me: “Uhm…”

    Wife: *nervous giggle*

    The Ministry Of Silly Walks

    | Pittsburg, CA, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Top

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you know where the underwear are stocked?”

    (I am a fellow customer. I have no name badge, no uniform, and I have my purse hanging from my shoulder.)

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t work here.”

    Customer: “Oh, I thought you did. You walk like an employee.”

    Me: “I walk…like an employee?”

    Customer: “Yes, you should walk differently so people don’t confuse you.”

    Me: “Like this?”

    (I walk briskly for a few steps.)

    Customer: “No, no, that’s why I stopped you.”

    Me: “How about this?”

    (I walk a little slower, stopping to look at merchandise and to examine them.)

    Customer: “No, you look like you’re shelving.”

    Me: “What about like this?”

    (I shuffle along slowly, staring vacantly at my shoes.)

    Customer: “No, you look like my son when he works. Oh dear, I guess you just can’t walk like a regular customer. You should take classes.”

    (She walks way and I look five feet to my left, where an actual employee is staring, open mouthed at the scene.)

    Employee: “I wonder who would teach those classes?”

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