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    That’s A Lot Of Tubes

    , | Los Angeles, CA |

    (A customer enters our pawn shop, and I motion her over to my counter.)

    Me: “What can I do for you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I wanna pawn my internet.”

    Me: “Do you mean your computer? If it’s complete and relatively new we’ll take it. You just have to bring it in so we can test it out first.”

    Customer: *getting angry* “No, man, my internet!”

    Me: “Umm…do you mean your modem? Because we don’t take modems or routers by themselves.”

    Customer: “No man, I wanna pawn my internet! My INTERNET!”

    Me: “Like…your AOL account or something? We can’t do that either.”

    Customer: “No! I wanna pawn my internet, man! THE INTERNET!”

    Me: “Ma’am, if you can actually bring me the internet, I’ll give you $100 out of my own wallet and you can keep it.”

    Customer: *happy again* “Okay, I’ll be right back!”

    (She never came back.)

    Related:
    Guardian Of The Tubes And Protector Of The Google
    Internet = Tubes, Word = Sheets

    The Patient Finally Runs Out Of Patience

    | Iowa, USA | Top

    (I am a phlebotomist and go around drawing blood at the hospital all day. I am drawing blood on the rehab floor where patients are generally doing well. I start to draw one patient’s blood when his wife runs into the room.)

    Patient’s wife: “Oh my God! What are you doing?!”

    Me: “I’m from the lab and I’m just getting some blood.”

    Patient’s wife: “What?! Why?! What is wrong with my husband?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is all pretty routine blood work.”

    (Hearing the commotion, the nurse runs in.)

    Nurse: “Ma’am, the insurance company asked we get this blood work since it has been awhile. I assure you nothing is wrong.”

    Patient’s wife: “No, you’re lying! My husband is dying and no one will tell me why!”

    (Suddenly, the patient himself speaks up.)

    Patient, to wife: “D*** it! Sometimes I wish you were dying!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    My Cup Runneth Over With Confusion

    | Canada |

    Customer: “I’d like three vanilla soft serve, please.”

    Me: “Sure thing. Would you like that in a cup or a cone?”

    Customer: “What’s the difference?”

    Me: “One is in a cup, and one is in a cone.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll have them in cups.”

    (I make the soft serve, put them in cups and hand them to the customer.)

    Customer: “This isn’t what I wanted. They’re in plastic cups.”

    Me: “I thought you said you wanted them in cups.”

    Customer: “By cup, I thought you meant, like…a cup cone. Some kind of cone in the shape of a cup!”

    Braving The Wild Arctic Terrain, One Token At A Time

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    (A customer asked me to help with the Skee-Ball machine.)

    Me: “Is the machine broken or malfunctioning?”

    Customer: “Do you know where the skis are?”

    Me: “…excuse me?”

    Customer:Ski ball. Where are the skis for me to play with?”

    Me: “Skis?”

    Customer: “As in cross-country skis?”

    Me: “this isn’t that kind of Skee-Ball. You pick up the ball and roll it up there.”

    Customer: “Then why is there a slope with a ramp on it at the end?”

    Me: “For you to roll the ball up?”

    Customer: “IT’S A SKI SLOPE! Although it’s kind of…backwards.” *examines the machine*

    Lazy Beyond Relief

    | Virginia, USA |

    Caller: *on the phone* “My house is going to be foreclosed on next week! Please help! I can not lose this house; please help me save it!”

    Me: “Okay. We’ll email a bankruptcy questionnaire to you right away. Please fill out as much as you can and get it back to us ASAP.”

    (I email her the packet, which asks basic questions like how much you owe your creditors, what are your assets, how much do you make, etc. The caller phones back 15 minutes later.)

    Caller: “That’s just too much information! Never mind, I’ll just give up the house.”

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