Featured Story:
  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
    (2,941 thumbs up)
  • No Aptitude For Latitude

    | Table Mountain, South Africa |

    (I am a customer standing behind a couple, obviously from overseas. The ticket lady had just told them that the cable car is out of order because it’s being serviced.)

    Customer: “That’s unacceptable! We’ve come all the way to see the top of Table Mountain!”

    (I see that the ticket lady is tired of explaining the same thing over and over, so I chip in.)

    Me: “They have to service the cable car because it’s off-season. They don’t want people to get hurt if the cable car breaks.”

    Customer: “Well, it’s summer where we come from!”

    Best. Grandpa. Ever.

    | Portland, ME, USA | Top

    (I work at a small grocery store owned by my Grandpa. It’s in the middle of summer and a customer wearing a thick jacket comes in.)

    Customer: “Can I get some cigarettes?”

    Grandpa: “Excuse me, would you mind open your jacket up?”

    Customer: “No, why would I do that!”

    Grandpa: “Sir, I saw you take that beer. Give it back and we won’t press charges.”

    Customer: “That’s crazy, I didn’t take anything!”

    Grandpa: “Sir, I–”

    (The customer seems like he is about to run, and my grandpa grabs his arm. The customer tries to shove him away, but in the process he opens his coat and reveals the stolen goods.)

    Customer: “GET OFF!”

    (My grandpa grabs his balls, and begins squeezing them.)

    Grandpa: “Just put the beer down, and I won’t pop them!”

    (He put the beer down.)

    Wrong About The Right

    | Leicestershire, UK |

    (I’m filling out a return slip for a customer.)

    Customer: “Oh! You’re a lefty!”

    Me: “Err no, this is my right hand.”

    Customer: “But it’s on my left!”

    Me: “It’s still my right hand.”

    Third Tail’s A Charm

    | Sanibel, FL, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I’m planning to stay here for a few days and just wanted to find out whether I can bring pets.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but our hotel has a strict no pet policy.”

    Customer: “So I can’t bring my dog?”

    Me: “No, I’m afraid not.”

    Customer: “But it’s tiny, doesn’t shed, and I guarantee I’ll always let it out in time.”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “What about my cat?”

    Me: “No pets, sir.”

    Customer: “Alright, fine.” *stands around for several moments* “So my wife can bring her hamster, right?”

    How About A Chia Pet Instead

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    (I walk up to a customer and her family holding one of our pet store rabbits.)

    Me: “So, are you ready to buy that rabbit?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I think I’m going to. What do rabbits need?”

    Me: “Well, the first thing a rabbit needs is a good home. We have a nice selection of cages start.”

    Customer: “I think I’ll just put it in with my guinea pig.”

    Me: “Well, that really isn’t a good idea. They should really have separate cages.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’ll put the guinea pig somewhere else. What else do rabbits need?”

    Me: “Vitamins are good for rabbits, especially younger bunnies who are making their first move–”

    Customer: “Can’t I use ferret vitamins?”

    Me: “Well, no, because rabbits are herbivores and ferrets are carnivores. They have different nutritional needs.”

    Customer, to husband: “I don’t need any vitamins!”

    Customer’s husband: “Well, what about food?”

    Me: “We have a large assortment of rabbit food. The more colorful ones that contain dried fruits and vegetables are really going to help your rabbit, especially if you don’t plan on feeding it fresh fruits and vegetables.”

    Customer: “Can’t I just feed it cat food?”

    Page 1,687/2,214First...1,6851,6861,6871,6881,689...Last