Metaphysics In Aisle 5

| Wisconsin, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, this is [store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, is your place like…a store?”

Me: “Yes, sir. This is a store.”

Customer: “Well, I know that. But is it a store where I can go to…you know, buy things?”

Me: “Yes, you can come in buy things here.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Thank you.” *hangs up*

Positively Negative

| Denver, CO, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, did you find everything you needed today, sir?”

Customer: “Everything.”

(He shoves a pile of baby clothes at me with a big smile.)

Customer: “My wife is pregnant with a baby.”

Me: “Congratulations, sir!”

Customer: “She tested positive yesterday. I’m buying clothes for the baby.”

Me: “Well, that’s very nice, sir. Will this be cash or charge?”

Customer: “I have the test with me.”

Me: “That’s all right, sir. I believe you.”

Customer: “It’s right here.”

(The customer shows me the test.)

Me: “That’s all r–”

(I check closer.)

Me: “Sir, this test is negative.”

Customer: *frowns at test and leaves*

Not The Breast Of Days

| Illinois, USA | Health & Body

(It’s 4 am, and a customer enters the store and approaches me. By the smell of his breath, he has clearly been drinking.)

Customer: “Do you know where I could find needle and thread?”

Me: “That would be in the crafts department. Would you like me to show you?”

Customer: “Yeah, thanks.”

(As we start to walk toward the craft department, which is in the back of the store, his phone rings. He picks up and has a short conversation to which I didn’t pay much attention. I only heard him say, “I guess I’ll have to sew it back on.”)

Customer: *hangs up* “It’s been a bad night.”

Me: “You too, huh?”

Customer: “Yeah. I got my nipple torn off.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I got drunk, got in a fight, and my nipple got torn halfway off.”

(He pulls his shirt to the side to show me his nipple barely hanging on.)

Customer: “My friends said to go to the hospital, but I don’t have insurance, so I’m just gonna have to sew it back on myself.”

Cashier By Day, Consort By Night

| NC, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Hi, are you all sold out of condoms?”

Me: “Yes, sir, we’ve been out of condoms for a week. I’m sorry, but you’ll probably have to go to a [pharmacy] to find some.”

Customer: “Can I have one from your personal stash?”

Me: “My personal stash?”

Customer: “Yeah, from your purse.”

Me: “Sir, I think you have mistaken me with a different profession!”

Yo Hablo Deutschpañol

| Bergen, Norway | Uncategorized

(A customer comes up to the counter.)

Customer: “Where did you learn to speak English so well?”

Me: “From school, I guess? And from watching movies and reading books–”

Customer: “That’s good! I had Spanish in high school, and all I remember is ‘Auf wiedersehen’!”

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