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    When Stupidity Hits The Pint Of No Return

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Customer: “I see you changed your sizes?”

    Me: “Yeah, we had to change it from pint and quart because too many people were asking which was bigger. Now we’ve got large and small.”

    Customer: “They can’t tell by the price?”

    Me: “Maybe they aren’t stressing it in schools anymore.”

    (A second customer walks in and looks at a menu for a second.)

    Customer: “But that is sad, kids don’t know which is bigger.”

    Customer #2: “What’s bigger?”

    Me: “Pint or a quart.”

    Customer #2: “That’s pathetic.”

    (A few moments of silence pass.)

    Customer #2: “So, which is bigger, the large or the small?”

    Please, Take A Cut Of My Cheese

    , | Fort Wayne, IN, USA |

    Customer: *completely stoned* “Hey, what’s your cheapest thing in the store?”

    Me: “That’d probably be these miniature whoopee cushions. They’re a dollar apiece. There are three on the shelf behind you.”

    Customer: “I’ll take all of them!”

    (As I’m finishing the transaction, a well-dressed mother comes in with a young boy in tow.)

    Customer: “Hey guys! Look what I just got!” *shows them the whoopee cushions*

    Mother: *obviously uncomfortable* “Um…that’s very…nice, I guess?”

    Customer: “Do you want one?”

    Mother: “Oh no, no thank you, we were just–”

    Customer: “C’mon, I have three of them! What do I need three for?”

    (He shoves a whoopee cushion into the mother’s hands and wanders off happily.)

    Fuel For (Lack Of) Thought

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA |

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My son told me to get broadband I’d have to pay more money, but I told him that there was this thing from the phone company you put on your telephone chord that gave you broadband.”

    Me: “You mean a noise canceler, sir? That is only for DSL lines through the phone company, not through us.”

    Customer: “Diesel…yeah, that’s what I want! So, can you hook me up with diesel broadband?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry we don’t offer D-S-L Lines. You have to call your phone company and have them installed.”

    Customer: “Do you have unleaded lines?”

    Me: “Sir, it’s DSL. Not diesel as in the fuel.”

    Customer: “You’re not a very good company then. You’re saying I can’t get diesel from you, but then telling me I can’t get unleaded either.”

    Me: “Sir, if you just call your phone company I am sure they can help you.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay then.”

    (The customer starts mashing numbers on the keypad without hanging up. I stay on the line.)

    Me: “Sir?”

    Customer: “I just talked to [my company] and they said you have diesel lines.”

    Me: “Sir you never hung up the phone. This is still [my name] from [my company name].”

    Customer: “Holy s***! You work for both places?”

    Who You Gonna Call: Sawdusters

    | North Miami, FL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [furniture store], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, you make custom furniture right?”

    Me: “Yes, we do.”

    Customer: “Okay, can you make a table and maybe some chairs out of this tree in my front yard?”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but we don’t actually do any of the tree cutting. We get all of our wood from a lumber yard.”

    Customer: “But the city says I need to cut down this tree right away or I’ll be fined!”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but I can’t do anything about that.”

    Customer: “Well, screw you, then! My grandfather planted this tree here! He’s going to haunt you till you die! HAUNT YOU TILL YOU DIE!”

    All Signs Point To Other Signs

    | Hamilton, New Zealand |

    Customer: “Hey! Where are your biscuits on special?”

    Me: “On the display right next to you. You’re standing right next to it.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, you should have a sign there to point them out!”

    (I point to the large sign above the biscuits. It’s black and red and quite large.)

    Customer: “Well, you should have a sign that points to the sign!”

    All Signs Point To No
    All Signs Point To Duh
    All Signs Point To Yes

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