Me: "Hello, this is [Company Name]."
Caller: "Hi, who just called me?"
Me: "I’m not sure. You’ve reached general reception."
Caller: "Well, someone just called me from this number."
Me: "Sorry, but there’s no way for me to tell who called you, as this is the general number."
Customer: "What are you?"
(I explain the company.)
Customer: "I didn’t understand anything about what you just said. Why did you call me?"
Me: "It could be a wrong number."
Customer: "Ugh, fine. Stop wasting my time by calling me if you don’t know who you are, please!"
Me: “Thank you for calling [hospital]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “Yeah. I had a baby at your hospital about a week ago, and when I was discharged I got a lot of papers and some samples. One of the papers says something about a PKU test.”
Me: “Yes, ma’am. How can I help you with that?”
Caller: “Well, it says on this paper that I need to bring my ‘new arrival’ to registration and they would help me get the PKU test done. I want you to know that I have looked all through the papers and stuff you gave me and I can’t find anything marked ‘new arrival’. What is this ‘new arrival’ I am supposed to bring with me when I come in?”
Me: “Ma’am, that would be your infant child…your new baby.”
Caller: “Oh my freaking God! If you mean ‘new baby’, then write ‘new baby’! Not everyone understands this hospital medical jargon!”
Sadly Wasn’t Born Yesterday
(A woman walks into the store with her young daughter. Her daughter looks feverish and is sniffling.)
Customer: “Oh look honey, they have candy bars. Go get yourself one while mommy shops for her things.”
(The little girl walks up to the counter and takes a candy bar.)
Me: “Are you feeling okay, little girl?”
Daughter: “My mommy says as long as she gets her tampons, I’ll feel better.”
(The girl suddenly vomits all over the candy bars and on the counter.)
Daughter: “QUICK MOMMY! GET YOUR TAMPONS!”
Customer: “I need to speak to the person in charge!”
Me: “I’m sorry, I’m the only one in the office right now. Is there anything I can help you with?”
Customer: “There’s no Jesus memorabilia in your display cases!”
Me: “Ma’am, this is a temple. Maybe you’re looking for the church across the street?”
Customer: “I know this is a temple you dumb b****! All temples need Jesus in them. Otherwise, how is this a house of worship?”
Me: “I’m going to have to ask you to calm down, there’s a preschool class next door. And Jews don’t believe in Jesus as being a–”
Customer: *yelling* “What?! What the f*** do you mean you don’t believe in Jesus our Lord? How long has this been going on?!”
Me: “I’d say a good thousand years prior to Jesus, ma’am.”
Me: “Thank you for contacting technical support. How can I help you?”
Customer: *whispering* “Can you shut my internet off for four hours?”
Me: “I could disable the port, but may I ask why?”
Customer: *whispering* “My son has been locked in his room since last night and he won’t come out or talk to me. He hasn’t eaten breakfast yet and it’s 3 pm.”
Me: “I suppose I could, however, you will need to call us to re-enable your connection.”
Customer: “Thank you! I don’t know what he’s doing in there on the computer. It’s been like this since we got your internet.”
Me: “Your connection has been disabled. Is there anything else I can do for you tonight?”
Customer: “No, thank you. I hope he comes out soon!”