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    Rated C For Child Welfare

    | New Brunswick, Canada |

    Me: “Hi, how can I do to help you?”

    Customer: “I’m having a problem with your automatic ticket machines. It won’t let me buy children’s tickets.”

    Me: “Okay, what movie did you want to see?”

    Customer:Final Destination 3D.”

    (I look at the customer’s children, who can barely see over the counter.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you can’t take your children to that movie. They’re too young.”

    Customer: “What the h*** do you mean?! They’re my children!”

    Me: “How old are they?”

    Customer: “Six and eight.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think you understand how gory it is. A man’s guts get sucked out and then explode in the air! Could I recommend a different movie for you?”

    Customer: “No! I’m going to see this movie with my kids!”

    Customer’s husband: “Their favorite movies are Saw 1 and Saw 2!”

    Me: “Well, they still can’t go. It’s illegal.”

    Customer: “Nothing’s illegal to do with your children!” *storms away with husband and kids*

    You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 4

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Customer: “What’s on your BBQ chicken pizza?”

    Me: “BBQ sauce, cheese and chicken.”

    Customer: “So there’s BBQ sauce, right?”

    Me: “Yup…”

    Customer: “…chicken?”

    Me: “Uh huh…”

    Customer: “…and it’s on a pizza, right? With cheese?”

    Me: “Yes, it has all of those toppings.”

    Customer: “So what makes it a BBQ chicken pizza?”

    Me: “The BBQ sauce, the chicken, and the fact that it’s on a pizza.”

    Customer: “Oh, I see. Well that just doesn’t sound like it’s possible. I’ll take a large cheese instead!”

    Related:
    You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 3
    You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 2
    You Can Lead A Horse To Water

    Slippery Christmas Ice

    | United Kingdom |

    (This occurred two days after Christmas Day on the refunds desk.)

    Customer: “These slippers don’t fit! I’ve been the same shoe size for years. It must be these new European sizes, I can’t even get my foot in!”

    Me: “That’s no proble,m sir. I’ll just refund these and give you a credit note, then you can go and choose some slippers that fit.”

    Customer: “This ruined my Christmas, you know!”

    (I take the slippers and examine them for any faults or damage, while the customer continues to rant.)

    Me: “Sir, did you remove the tissue paper from the toes before you tried these on?”

    Customer: “Oh…”

    (Needless to say, the slippers did in fact fit. Christmas was saved.)

    But Who Gets To Keep The Charger?

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    (The customer calls in, having trouble with the bluetooth in her vehicle.)

    Me: “Thank You for calling ***, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I am having trouble with my bluetooth thing.”

    Me: “I can definitely help you with that. What is the nature of your problem?”

    Customer: “I need help marrying my phone back with my car. When I bought the car they were married, and somehow they got divorced.”

    Hell Hath No Fury Like A Pregnant Woman Scorned

    | New Jersey, USA | Top

    (A man comes to my register with a mint chocolate candy bar.)

    Me: “Anything else?”

    Customer: “Can you break a $100 bill?”

    Me: “Actually, I can’t. We just opened and I haven’t gone to the bank today.”

    Customer: “Oh, no! Do you know anywhere I can get change? I need this candy right away!”

    (At this point I notice his panicked look. Coupled with the fact that he’s buying the most unappetizing candy in the store, I jump to a conclusion.)

    Me: “Sir, these aren’t for you, are they?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Did your pregnant wife send you out at 8 in the morning to buy this candy?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “For the love of God, man! Get these home to her before you’re in even more trouble! You can come back and pay me later!”

    (The customer bolts out the door. He later came back, visibly calmer, and paid.)

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