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    Cupid Meets Stupid

    | Deerfield, IL, USA | Uncategorized

    (I am a cashier at a bookstore. It is 9pm and our store has just closed. A male customer walks up to me empty-handed, and leans against the counter conspiratorially.)

    Customer: “So, busy night?”

    Me: “It was, yes.”

    Customer: “Do you like working here?”

    Me: “Yes. Is there something you need from behind the counter?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Well, if there is a particular book you’re looking for, you can head back to customer service and one of my colleagues can get it for you.”

    Customer: “No, I don’t need anything. Can I just stay here for a little longer?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry, sir. Our store is closed. If you need somewhere to stay, [store] is across the street and they’re open 24
    hours.”

    Customer: “Well, my girlfriend is waiting for me outside. I just want to make her wait. She made me mad before, so I want to get back at her. Can’t you just let me stay a while longer?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We really need to close the store down. We won’t stay open if we’re not making any sales. All of us want to go home.”

    Customer: “Isn’t there anything you can do? I can just sit in the cafe.”

    Me: *thinking* “Well, you could buy a $25 membership with us. There’s a form to fill out. That’ll give you a couple more minutes.”

    Customer: “Perfect!”

    Me: “You do understand it will cost you $25?”

    Customer: “Yeah. She really p***ed me off!”

    Automatically Teller You How To Do Your Job

    | Enfield, London, UK | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I have a complaint.”

    Me: “Sorry to hear that, madam. What is the problem?”

    Customer: “I have an account with your bank, and just used my card in an ATM belonging to [rival bank]. I tried to take out £50. It gave me my card back, but I didn’t get the cash.”

    Me: “Sorry to hear that, madam. You will need to go into a branch of [bank] to fill out a form. They can then re-claim the money for you from [rival bank].”

    Customer: “I don’t need to do that. I have a camera on my phone.”

    Me: “What do you mean?”

    Customer: “Look, you are wasting my time. Call your supervisor; tell them that there is a very angry woman on the line with a picture of an ATM on her phone. Then he can press the little button on his desk that will make my £50 come out. Jeez, I didn’t realise I’d need to tell you how to do your own job too.”

    Coupons Are Not The Only Things That Are Expired

    | Toledo, OH, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Can I still use these coupons?”

    Me: “You can, if they’re not expired.”

    Customer: “So, can I use them?”

    Me: “Are they expired?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Then no.”

    Witless Vs Witness

    | Kingston, ON, Canada | Uncategorized

    (I am checking out an elderly woman. Off to the side is a younger woman, waiting impatiently and tapping her foot.)

    Impatient customer: “Excuse me!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m just finishing up with this lady here, and I’ll be right with you.”

    (The impatient customer lets out a loud sigh, and walks out the door. She talks to her boyfriend. He then comes in.)

    Impatient customer’s boyfriend: “What the h***, bro? Were you just rude to my woman?”

    Me: “No, actually. Quite the opposite. Your friend was rude to this lady here as I was still waiting on her.”

    Impatient customer’s boyfriend: “Whatever, bro. You’re lucky I don’t come over there and kick your a**.”

    (The elderly customer claps, looking at me.)

    Elderly customer: “I’ll stay and watch and be your witness!”

    (The boyfriend doesn’t know what to say, and then hesitantly leaves.)

    Presidential Security

    | Appleton, WI, USA | Uncategorized

    (We require members to authenticate their account before troubleshooting. If they don’t know their 4 digit pass-code, we have a security question.)

    Me: “Well, sir, if you aren’t sure of your pass-code, I do have a security question. If you can answer that, we’ll be all set.”

    Customer: “Okay, what is it?”

    Me: “Who is your favorite actor?”

    Customer: “Uh…well…Barack Obama?”

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