An Idiom In Sheep’s Clothing

| Iowa, USA | At The Checkout

(I am a running through a rather elderly lady’s groceries.)

Me: “Did you find everything all right today, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes, I did. Well…”

Me: “Anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Your shirt is nice; such a lovely material. I will add that to my purchase, please.”

Me: “Oh. Well, actually, I purchased this at [clothing store].”

Customer: “Yes, I’ll take your shirt please.”

Me: “Um, ma’am, I’m afraid I am unable to give you my shirt.”

Customer: “No, I’m the customer. You asked if I needed anything. I need your shirt!”

(At this point, she attempts to pull it off of me. Upon seeing a fleet of coworkers heading towards me, she runs out of the store, leaving her groceries behind.)

Manager: “What did she want?!”

Me: “Literally the shirt off my back!”

Wrote Memorization

| California, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, this is [name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “I need to mail my bill. Can you give me your address?”

(I slowly and carefully give the entire address. I add appropriate pauses to make sure the caller has enough time to write down the address.)

Caller: “Okay, once more please.”

Me: “Oh, did I speak too quickly?”

Caller: “No, but I guess I should write it down this time.”

Getting Pork(ed)

| Massachusetts, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

Customer: “I would like a pound of vagina ham.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “A pound of vagina ham, please!”

Me: “Don’t you mean Virginia ham?”

Customer: “Virginia ham, vagina ham, whatever! Just give me a pound of it.”

Me: “Anything else?”

Customer: “Yeah, slice it real nice.”

I’m A Renaissance Woman

| Princeton, NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

(The computers at checkout have lately been asking for the full birthdate of everyone purchasing cigarettes. While technically, we card everyone, a lot of our older customers complained at first, so we are allowed to simply request their birthdate rather than ask to see their ID.)

Customer: “Yes, I’d like [cigarettes], please.”

Me: “Alright. I’ll need your date of birth, please.”

Customer: “What? Make something up.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the computer needs a birth date in order to sell this product.”

Customer: “Well, you’re not getting it. Make something up!”

Me: “Um.”

(I put in January 1st, but leave the year free.)

Me: “Okay, I put in January 1st, but I’m going to need the year, at least.”

Customer: “Fine…1600.”

Me: “Something reasonable, ma’am.”

2, 4, 6, 8, Time To Get Your Numbers Straight

| Bethesda, MD, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Do you have this in a size 9?”

Me: “Sorry, no. We only carry even sizes. I can show you a size 8 or 10.”

Customer: “You don’t have a size 9?”

Me: “No, we only have even-numbered sizes.”

Customer: “Do you have a 9 in the back?”

Me: “No. There is no size 9.”

Customer: “So, can you order it for me?”

Me: “No, ma’am. We only have even numbers.”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “Er, that means 0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, and 14.”

Customer: “So, do you know when you’ll be getting a size 9?”

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