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    This Refund Is Cut And Dried

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to return these flowers.”

    Me: “Oh. Well, usually we don’t issue refunds for flowers. Can I ask what the problem is?”

    Customer: “She said no.”

    Me: “Let’s get you that refund.”

    (Stereo)Typing With A Laptop

    | West Palm Beach, FL, USA |

    Customer: “I need to know how to lock my laptop. I picked it up the other day, and there were all these porn sites in the history! My son is seventeen. I told him to stop using it, but you know how they are at that age!”

    (I chuckle in agreement.)

    Customer: “Wait, how old are you?”

    Me: “Well, I’m just a couple years older myself.”

    Customer: “Well, you know what I mean!”

    A Hole In Your Thinking, Part 3

    | Silverdale, WA, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like Swiss cheese, please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. We only carry American, Pepperjack, Cheddar, and a shredded Cheddar.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll take Provolone then.”

    Me: “Sir, I just told you. We only carry American, Pepperjack, Cheddar, and a shredded Cheddar. It is on the sign right here.”

    Customer: “Then I’ll have Swiss.”

    Me: “I think we have some in back. One moment.”

    (My manager takes the American cheese into the back room. He cuts holes in a few of the slices, and brings them back out.)

    Me: “Here you are. Swiss cheese.”

    Customer: “I knew you guys always hid some in back!”

    Related:
    A Hole In Your Thinking, Part 2
    A Hole In Your Thinking

    Definitely Not In Pittsburgh

    | St. Louis, MO, USA |

    (A customer comes up to me while I’m stocking the shelves. She looks distraught.)

    Me: “Ma’am, can I assist you in anything?”

    Customer: “Yeah. My friend said he needs some more cheeseheads at his Super Bowl party. I can’t seem to find them. I found Cheese-Its, Cheese-Nips, but no heads. Where are they?”

    Me: “Cheeseheads, right?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s a nickname for Green Bay Packers fans.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, where can I find those?”

    Manly Beers Are Truly Cosmopolitan

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    (The bar has 100 beers on draft and 207 in bottle. We give customers a beer menu due to the large number of beers that are constantly changing.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, sir. Can I get you started with something to drink?”

    Customer: “I’d like a beer. What have you got on draft?”

    Me: “Well, sir, we have 100 beers on draft. I can give you a minute to look over the menu if you like. I know there’s quite a lot to choose from.”

    Customer: “I don’t want to read this. Just tell me what you got.”

    Me: “I haven’t quite memorized them sir. They change almost every day. I can recommend something if you like. Or you can try one of our beers of the month.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t want anything fruity. I’m no pansy see? What dark beers you got?”

    (I list a few dark lagers, ports, and stouts. The customer and I go back and forth for a few minutes because he doesn’t recognize anything. I offer to get him samples to make the process easier.)

    Customer: “Ah, forget it. I’ll just get a mojito.”

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