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    Swimming With The Feces

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    (A child has pooped in the pool so we get all the swimmers out. A customer approaches me.)

    Customer: “Why did you get everybody out? It is a perfectly nice day”

    Me: “Yes, but a child had an accident in the pool.”

    Customer: “…so?”

    Me: “Well, we have to run an eight hour cleaning cycle. We can not let you back in for the rest of the day.”

    Customer: “That is so dumb! Who makes the decisions around here?”

    Me: “I do. I am the lifeguard. A child has pooped in the pool, ma’am.”

    Customer: “It is a nice day out and I want to swim!”

    Welcome To B.C. Bookstores

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (I’m ringing up a young couple for a video game. The girlfriend asks about the game and the boyfriend describes it to her.)

    Boyfriend: “[In the game] you’re one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.”

    Girlfriend: “Which one?”

    Boyfriend: “War.”

    Girlfriend: “Who are the others?”

    Boyfriend: “Famine, Pestilence, and Plague.”

    Girlfriend: “Who makes this s*** up?!”

    Backwards Thinking

    | Colorado, USA |

    (I am dispensing new glasses to a customer.)

    Me: “Okay, now take a look around the store. Is your distance coming in clearly?”

    Customer: “Yes, but it’s backwards.”

    Me: “Backwards? What do you mean?”

    Customer: “The sign…the letters on it are backwards.”

    Me: “Which sign?”

    Customer: “The one in between the frames.” *customer then turns around and looks out into the store* “Now the sign looks right, but when I look this way,” *turns back around to face me* “…it’s backwards. This has never happened before! What’s wrong with my glasses?”

    Me: “Ma’am, are you looking in the mirror behind me?”

    Customer: “Oh! That must be it! Well then, my glasses are working wonderfully. Thank you!”

    The Devil Is In The Pre-Sales

    | Pennslyvania, USA |

    (I’m working at the hotel on Christmas Day.)

    Customer, to husband: “See that girl there? She must be one of those devil worshipers! Why else would she be here on the day of Christ’s birth?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Who do you worship? Why are you working on Christmas? You worship the devil!”

    Me: “Actually, I’m working because I don’t have any children. A lot of the other employees do so they’re home with their families.”

    Customer: “Who do you worship?”

    Me: “I’m a Christian.”


    Husband: *laughing* “Yes, just like Santa. He sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake.”

    Customer: “Santa has NOTHING to do with Christ. You’ll offend them both!”

    The Devil Revils In The Details
    The Devil Is In The Ridiculous Details
    The Devil Is Definitely In The Details

    A Very Electric Blender

    | New Brunswick, IN, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like to sell this.” *hands me a blender*

    Me: “Okay, let’s take a look. Does it work?”

    Customer: “Yep, it works great.”

    (I proceed to test the blender. I plug it in and a huge spark jumps from the plug and the fuse blows. I unplug the blender and pick it up to try it in another plug. I notice a puddle under the blender.)

    Me: “Where is this water coming from?”

    Customer: “Oh…well, I put it through the dishwasher. Maybe it wasn’t completely dry yet.”

    Me: “Putting the blender jar into the dishwasher shouldn’t make that much of a mess.”

    Customer: “Yeah, but I put the whole thing in the dishwasher. I wanted the base to be clean, too.”

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