November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Nemo Would Not Have Survived This One

| Germantown, WI, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi there. Can I help you find anything today?”

Customer: “My kids need a terrarium or an aquarium for a cub scout project. They have to observe it for 30 days.”

Me: “Well, we don’t have any pre-assembled.”

(I show her a tank, some pre-bagged dirt, plants, etc.)

Customer: “So, could I put a fish in there?”

Me: “Not with the dirt and plants, no.”

Customer: “Can I just stick it in a bowl with water, then?”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “Do you have to do anything with it?”

Me: “Feed it and keep the tank clean.”

Customer: “Do I have to do that more than once a month?”

Me: “Well, yes.”

Customer: “How long do those fish live?”

Me: “With proper care, up to a few years.”

Customer: *scoffing* “That’s way too long! They only need to observe it for a month. What do I do with it after that?”

Me: “You could ask your friends or your kids’ friends to see if someone would like to take it.”

Customer: “Can’t I just flush it?”

(I pause, not quite believing she was serious.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, store policy is that animals always come first. Quite honestly, if I knew that’s what you were going to do with it, I would hesitate to sell you a fish.”

Customer: “Oh, don’t worry. I wasn’t going to buy it tonight!”

Telling Porkies, Part 2

| Denver, CO, USA | Top

Customer: “Is the chicken caesar sandwich vegetarian?”

Me: “No, ma’am. It has chicken in it. But we can substitute tofu if you’d like.”

Customer: “I don’t want tofu. Don’t you have any vegetarian meat?”

Me: “Vegetarian means no meat, ma’am. Would you like a non-vegetarian option?”

Customer: “No, I’m a vegetarian. Your menu says you have vegetarian options.”

Me: “We do have vegetarian options. Anything can be made without meat.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have any vegetarian meat?”

Me: “Are you sure you’re a vegetarian, ma’am?”

Telling Porkies

I Have A Dream And A Voice

| MA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I think I was just in the wrong theater.”

Me:The King’s Speech? No, that was the right one.”

Customer: “It’s just been all these British people talking.”

Me: “Yes. The King’s Speech.”

Customer: “But, isn’t it about Martin Luther King Jr.?”

27 Stresses

| Omaha, NE, USA | Top

(It is prom season. We have a lot of girls coming in to try on dresses. Three girls have been trying on heaps of dresses. They finally select the ones they want.)

Me: “I see you’ve made your final selection! If you just bring them to the register, I’ll be happy to ring you up.”

(Their mother walks over.)

Mother: “Oh, what lovely dresses!”

Girl: “Yeah. We had to go through a lot of dresses before we found anything decent.”

(The mother gets a weird look on her face.)

Mother, to me: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Mother: “Are those the dressing rooms?”

Me: “Yes.”

Mother: “Do you mind if I run in there for a minute?”

Me: “Go ahead!”

(The mother walks in, and sees all the dresses on the floor of the dressing rooms. She comes out fuming.)

Mother: “You girls march right in there, pick up every dress, and hang them back up! Right now!”

Girl: “Why? It’s her job!”

Mother: “I did not raise a bunch of pigs! Get in there now, or you won’t be going to prom!”

Data Protection Can Be Hellish

| Champaign, IL, USA | Uncategorized

(I notice a very well dressed woman checking out laptops.)

Me: “Can I help you with anything, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes, please. Could you tell me about the facial password feature on these laptops?”

Me: “Sure. Certain laptops we carry can use the webcam to recognize several facial features unique to each person. Eye distance, mouth width, things like that.”

Customer: “Well then, that’s it.”

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “The apocalypse is coming.”

Me: “The apocalypse?”

Customer: “Yes. See, the Bible says that when the government starts taking over our personal lives, the apocalypse will come.”

Me: “Ma’am, this has nothing to do with the government. It’s just another security feature.”

(She pats me on the shoulder.)

Customer: “That’s okay, son. I speak to God every day. I’m glad to know that when I’m up in heaven, you’ll be down here burning in hell.”