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    Do As I Say, Not As I Say

    | Greensboro, NC, USA |

    (I’m ringing up a customer and her child.)

    Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

    Customer: *doesn’t answer*

    Customer’s child: “HELLO!”

    Me: “Hi!”

    Customer’s child: HELLO!”

    Me: “Hi!”

    (I do this a few more times with the child while I finish ringing up the items. I turn to the customer again, thinking she didn’t hear me the first time.)

    Me: “How are you today, ma’am? Your total is $xx.xx.”

    Customer: *messes in her bag and ignores me*

    Me: “Ma’am? Your total is $xx.xx.”

    Customer: “You know why I’m not answering you? Because you were too busy talking to speak to my child!”

    Me: “I did respond to her…several times, in fact.”

    Customer: “You did not!”

    Me: “I assure you I did. I looked right at her, and she was looking at me.”

    Customer: “Well, she must not have heard you or she wouldn’t have repeated herself so many times. Next time stop chatting and do your job!”

    Can’t Help Flailing In Love

    | Burnsville, MN, USA |

    (Note: I’m a teenage girl volunteering at a concert venue. A male teenage customer approaches my concession stand.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’d like some water.”

    Me: “Okay, let me grab some from the fridge.”

    Customer: “Thank you!”

    (The customer pays and leaves, only to come back a few minutes later to buy some more water. He continues to do this nine more times.)

    Me: “Must be really thirsty tonight, huh?”

    Customer: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

    Me: “You’ve just bought quite a bit of water. There is a drinking fountain over there, you know.”

    Customer: *stares at me dead in the eyes*

    Me: “Is it hot outside or something?”

    Customer: “Wanna see how long I can spin around on this stool?”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Will you time me?”

    Me: “Well, I guess so.”

    Customer: “Okay, go!”

    (The boy then proceeds to fall off the chair and go flailing onto the floor.)

    Me: “Oh, my god! Are you alright?”

    Customer: “You’re cute.”

    Me: “Um, that’s flattering. Are you okay?”

    Customer: “I wanna be your boyfriend!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 3

    | San Marcos, TX, USA |

    Me: “This is Internet tech support. What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “Uhm, yeah. I have a problem with my computer.”

    Me: “Okay, what seems to be the issue?”

    Customer: “There is a big vagina on the screen and I can’t get it off.”

    Me: “That would be an advanced support question. One moment while I transfer you…”

    Related:
    On The Need For Hazard Pay, Part 2
    On The Need For Hazard Pay

    Defrauding A Village In Order To Save It

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    (A customer calls in wanting to cancel her son’s car insurance. After going back and forth for 20 minutes, she asks to speak to me, the manager.)

    Me: “Thank you for holding, Mrs. S.”

    Caller: “I want to cancel my son’s car insurance. Why won’t you let me?”

    Me: “Because the insurance is a legally binding contract between us and your son, and only he has the legal authority to cancel the contract.”

    Caller: But he’s been in London for months and won’t be back until next year. The car’s just sitting there!

    Me: “Well, we would need your son to cancel or authorise you to act on his behalf. He can call us on [number], or he could send us a fax with the details.”

    Caller: “Don’t be ridiculous, he can’t call from England! I’m his mother! I should be able to do it for him.”

    (We went round and round in circles for another 15 minutes, then…)

    Caller: “I’m going to sue you for sexual discrimination!”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Caller: “I’m going to sue you AND your company for sexual discrimination.”

    Me: “Um, on what grounds?”

    Caller: “Because if I had gotten my husband to ring you, he could have pretended to be our son and you wouldn’t have known it wasn’t him. I’m a woman and can’t impersonate my son, and that’s sexual discrimination!”

    Circular Reasoning

    | Germany |

    (A customer in a big SUV pulls up to the pump. When she gets out, she realizes that her gas tank is on the driver’s side but her passenger’s side is facing the pump.)

    Customer: “I bet that’s not gonna work, right?”

    Me: “I don’t think so. You’d better try again.”

    (She gets back in, drives around the same pump, and gets out. Her gas tank is still on the wrong side.)

    Customer: *puzzled* “How come?”

    Me: “Let me help you…”

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