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    Swimming With The Feces

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    (A child has pooped in the pool so we get all the swimmers out. A customer approaches me.)

    Customer: “Why did you get everybody out? It is a perfectly nice day”

    Me: “Yes, but a child had an accident in the pool.”

    Customer: “…so?”

    Me: “Well, we have to run an eight hour cleaning cycle. We can not let you back in for the rest of the day.”

    Customer: “That is so dumb! Who makes the decisions around here?”

    Me: “I do. I am the lifeguard. A child has pooped in the pool, ma’am.”

    Customer: “It is a nice day out and I want to swim!”

    Welcome To B.C. Bookstores

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (I’m ringing up a young couple for a video game. The girlfriend asks about the game and the boyfriend describes it to her.)

    Boyfriend: “[In the game] you’re one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.”

    Girlfriend: “Which one?”

    Boyfriend: “War.”

    Girlfriend: “Who are the others?”

    Boyfriend: “Famine, Pestilence, and Plague.”

    Girlfriend: “Who makes this s*** up?!”

    Backwards Thinking

    | Colorado, USA |

    (I am dispensing new glasses to a customer.)

    Me: “Okay, now take a look around the store. Is your distance coming in clearly?”

    Customer: “Yes, but it’s backwards.”

    Me: “Backwards? What do you mean?”

    Customer: “The sign…the letters on it are backwards.”

    Me: “Which sign?”

    Customer: “The one in between the frames.” *customer then turns around and looks out into the store* “Now the sign looks right, but when I look this way,” *turns back around to face me* “…it’s backwards. This has never happened before! What’s wrong with my glasses?”

    Me: “Ma’am, are you looking in the mirror behind me?”

    Customer: “Oh! That must be it! Well then, my glasses are working wonderfully. Thank you!”

    The Devil Is In The Pre-Sales

    | Pennslyvania, USA |

    (I’m working at the hotel on Christmas Day.)

    Customer, to husband: “See that girl there? She must be one of those devil worshipers! Why else would she be here on the day of Christ’s birth?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Who do you worship? Why are you working on Christmas? You worship the devil!”

    Me: “Actually, I’m working because I don’t have any children. A lot of the other employees do so they’re home with their families.”

    Customer: “Who do you worship?”

    Me: “I’m a Christian.”

    Customer: “DO NOT LIE! GOD WILL STRIKE YOU! GOD KNOWS ALL!”

    Husband: *laughing* “Yes, just like Santa. He sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake.”

    Customer: “Santa has NOTHING to do with Christ. You’ll offend them both!”

    Related:
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    The Devil Is In The Ridiculous Details
    The Devil Is Definitely In The Details

    A Very Electric Blender

    | New Brunswick, IN, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like to sell this.” *hands me a blender*

    Me: “Okay, let’s take a look. Does it work?”

    Customer: “Yep, it works great.”

    (I proceed to test the blender. I plug it in and a huge spark jumps from the plug and the fuse blows. I unplug the blender and pick it up to try it in another plug. I notice a puddle under the blender.)

    Me: “Where is this water coming from?”

    Customer: “Oh…well, I put it through the dishwasher. Maybe it wasn’t completely dry yet.”

    Me: “Putting the blender jar into the dishwasher shouldn’t make that much of a mess.”

    Customer: “Yeah, but I put the whole thing in the dishwasher. I wanted the base to be clean, too.”

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