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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Bad News About Your Doppelganger

    | London, UK |

    Customer: *to his wife* “My God. This girl looks just like that one in the paper today, on the front page. Don’t you think?”

    Customer’s Wife: “I don’t know, maybe a little bit.”

    Customer: “Yes. She’s dead though.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: *to me* “Has anyone ever told you that? I bet you get it all the time. You look just like that girl who died parachuting.”

    Me: “Well sir, she’s only in the papers today because she died yesterday. I don’t think anybody knew who she was before.”

    Customer: “Well, you look so much like her. Careful you don’t run into any of her relatives, now!”

    Eggs, Milk, Bondage Gear…

    | Panama City Beach, FL, USA |

    (I was working for a grocery store in Panama City Beach, which is a big tourist spot. I was bagging this couple’s groceries – which included condoms – when this exchange occurred.)

    Me: “So, you must be from out of town, then?”

    Customer: “Yeah, we’re only here for a few days. Just getting the necessities, y’know?”

    (Just then, a pair of handcuffs comes rolling down the conveyor belt.)

    Me: “Just the necessities, eh?”

    Off To A Great Start

    | Akron, OH, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, can I talk to a manager?”

    Me: “I’m the manager on duty. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “YOU’RE the manager on duty?! You look like you’re about 16! *laughs with disbelief & scorn*

    Me: “Well, I’m 24, and I am a manager here. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Can I have a job application?”

    Me: “Um…sure.”

    A New Form Of Payment

    | Fort Lauderdale, FL, USA |

    Customer: “I’ll make you a deal.”

    Me: “Ok…?”

    Customer: “You give me these glasses, and I’ll let you take a picture of me wearing them, and hang it up in your store.”

    Me: “Um…what?”

    Customer:“Yeah, like all these pictures you have of people hanging up.”

    Me: “Those are professional models.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m a model.”

    Me: “…”

    My Hand Is Bigger Than Texas

    | Montreal, Canada |

    (The customer is calling to book reservations for her family at a large Orlando theme park.)

    Customer: “I want a hotel room with an ocean view.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am; Orlando is located in Central Florida, and is not on the coast. Would you like me to book you a room with a view of the lake instead?”

    Customer: “No! I don’t want a d***ed view of the lake. I know you can see the ocean from there! I’m looking at a map of Florida right now, and it’s obvious how narrow it gets there. The ocean is very close on both sides, so book me a d*** ocean view room!”

    Me: “You might want to check your map for a scale. I’ve been to Florida many times, and Orlando at least an hour’s drive to the ocean. There is no way you can see the coast from the resort.”

    Customer: “Fine! I’ll just call another travel agent who’s actually willing to help me book what I want.”

    Me: “Er…ma’am, if you can find an ocean view room in Orlando I will personally pay for your vacation out of my own pocket. Good luck with that.”


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