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    Gastronomically Priced Apparel

    , | Columbia, MD, USA |

    (While working at a well-known clothing store, a customer walks up to my cash register empty handed.)

    Me: “Did you find everything you needed today?”

    Customer: “I’ve been in here for fifteen minutes and nobody gave me a table yet.”

    Me: “…What?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I’ve been here for fifteen minutes and nobody sat me down.”

    Me: “We have a couch over by the fitting rooms if you’d like to have a seat.”

    Customer: “You don’t have any tables? What about booths?”

    Me: “Um…we don’t have anything like that here.”

    Customer: “Is this a new type of restaurant or something?”

    Me: “No, this is a clothing store; we sell clothes. That’s why we have lots of clothing here and no kitchen.”

    Customer: “Oh…why didn’t anybody tell me?”

    Me: “Did you ask someone?”

    Customer: “No!” *storms out of the store*

    Now Accepting Cash, Checks, And Fingerpaint

    | Apple Valley, MN, USA |

    (A customer walks up to my register with her 2 year old sitting in the child seat of her cart.)

    Customer: “I have these two coupons I’d like to use.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you can only use one coupon.”

    Customer: “Okay, then I’ll buy this separately.”

    (The customer separates a large pillar candle from her other purchases and puts one of the coupons on top.)

    Me: “Actually, we can only take one coupon per customer per day.”

    Customer: *completely serious* “I’m not buying it, she’s buying it!” *gestures to her 2 year old*

    Bananas About The Boob Tube

    | Northampton, UK |

    (I work in the home insurance department for a large insurer. We offer standard Buildings and Contents with an optional add-on of Home Emergency. This is for burst pipes, boilers going down, etc.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, you’re through to [name]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’ve just bought a new TV. Is it covered under my Contents insurance?”

    Me: “Yes, it will be covered under Contents.”

    Customer: “And is it covered under Home Emergency?”

    Me: “Sorry, how do you mean?”

    Customer: *sighs* “I MEAN, how long will it take for you to get a replacement television out to me if this one stops working?”

    Me: “Um…unfortunately your television is not covered under Home Emergency.”

    Customer: “Why not?!”

    Me: “We don’t class a broken television as an emergency.”

    Customer: “Well I do, and I know I’m right! What do I do if my television breaks and I can’t watch my programmes? GOD D*** PHONE MONKEYS!” *hangs up*

    Military Intelligence, Part 4

    | Vancouver, Canada |

    (A kid walks up and asks to buy a pack of cigarettes.)

    Me: “Could I see your ID please?”

    (The kid hands me an un-laminated piece of hand-cut white paper with a picture taped to it and all the “information” handwritten.)

    Me: “Seriously, you’re going to try this?”

    Customer: “It’s my military ID…”

    Related:
    Military Intelligence, Part 3
    Military Intelligence, Part 2
    Military Intelligence, Part 1

    Trial By Hire

    | San Bernardino, CA, USA |

    (I’ve just been hired as a cashier and it’s my first day. Halfway through my shift, I get called to go to the manager’s office. In the office is another man.)

    Manager: “Ah, there you are. Thanks for coming over so quickly.”

    Me: “No problem, what’s up?”

    Manager: “This here is Henry. I’d like you to help him find the items on his grocery list and help him with whatever he may need.”

    Henry: “Hello.”

    Me: “Hey. Well, shall we get started?”

    (Henry holds up a fake mustache and begins speaking in a British accent.)

    Henry: “This the best you could hire?! This place is becoming worse every week!”

    Manager, to me: “Can I talk to you outside for a second?”

    Me: “Sure…”

    (We go outside and my manager explains to me that when Henry holds up his mustache, he is British and his name is Hensley.)

    Manager: “Just take him around and help him get his stuff.”

    Me: “Alright, will do…”

    (We start off finding him tea.)

    Me: “Alright, our tea is right over here.”

    Henry: “Let’s see…green tea…green tea…ah. Here it is!”

    (The mustache goes up as he reaches for the tea.)

    Hensley: “I don’t want green tea.”

    (The mustache goes down.)

    Henry: “Must you be so picky?!”

    (The mustache goes up.)

    Hensley: “It isn’t my fault you have such terrible taste!”

    (The mustache goes down.)

    Henry: “Fine, what kind of tea do you want?!”

    (The mustache goes up.)

    Hensley: “I’m not sure.”

    (This goes on for a grueling, long, painful 37 items. After two hours of this and a full cart, we head for the check out.)

    Henry: “Thank you so much for being so patient with us.”

    Me: “Glad I could help you two out!”

    (The mustache goes up.)

    Hensley: “Yes, thank you ever so much for the assistance. Don’t let us hold you up dearie. Off you go…shoo, shoo!”

    Me: “Alright, take care.”

    (I head to the manager’s office, where several co-workers are also waiting.)

    Me: “What the h*** was that for? Some sort of hazing?”

    Manager: “Nope, he comes in every four days and buys the exact same stuff. Good way to test new employees!”

    (So far they’ve tried this on five other new people while I’ve worked here. They all lost their temper and were fired. Henry/Hensley asks for me every few visits and he is a regular customer of mine now. Well, a not-so-regular customer…)

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