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    Home Of The Disclaimer

    | Detroit, MI, USA |

    Customer: “…and I’d like extra tomatoes on my sandwich, please.”

    Me: “All right, that’ll be [price].”

    Customer: “Why is it so expensive?!”

    Me: “Well ma’am, you asked for cheese, bacon, and extra tomatoes. All those cost extra on the sandwich because they’re expensive products.”

    Customer: “But your policy says that I can have it my way! Why am I being charged?!”

    Me: “You can have it your way…you just have to pay for it.”

    Thanks For Shopping At Quadruped, Inc.

    | Springfield, MO, USA |

    (I witnessed this interaction between a girl and her dad.)

    Dad: “Are you as picky about your toilet paper as your ex-step mom was?”

    Girl: “No, not really.”

    Dad: “OK, grab one of those then.”

    (The girl reaches for a pack that’s on its side.)

    Dad: “No, no, not that one. I want one that hasn’t been touched by human hands!”

    Girl: “Are you saying the store employees aren’t human?”

    Dad: “Well, you’ve seen them…you be the judge.”

    (I had to walk off so they wouldn’t hear me laughing.)

    Protection Against The Inevitable

    | Seaside Heights, NJ, USA |

    (A pregnant teenage girl walks in with her mom and boyfriend.)

    Customer: “Hi. Can I get my tongue pierced?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you are pregnant, right?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “We can’t pierce anybody that’s pregnant, I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Well, any slight infection in your tongue could hurt your unborn child.”

    Customer: “But that’s only if it gets infected, right?”

    Fairweather Friendships

    | Bend, OR, USA | Top

    Me: “…and your total comes to $4.45.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m a close friend with the owner and he told me that you’ll hook me up with the drink.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, unless he told me directly I can’t do that for you.”

    Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    (Coincidentally, Bob, the owner, shows up so I give him his usual coffee.)

    Me: “Here you are, Bob!”

    Customer: “Oh, so you can hook that jerk-off up with a free drink but not me?”

    Me: “Sir, it’s not polite to call your close friend a jerk-off.”

    Finally, Mayonnaise That Burns Calories

    , | Rincon, GA, USA |

    (A lady comes into our sandwich shop and orders a sub. Everything is normal until…)

    Customer: “Could I get mayonnaise?”

    Me: “Sure”.

    (I put the mayonnaise on the sandwich.)

    Customer: *orgasm noise* “Mooooore.”

    Me: “Okay…”

    Customer: *orgasm noise* “More mayonnaise!”

    (I honestly think a little bit of my spirit died that day.)


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