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    Walk Loudly And Carry A Sharp Stick

    | Alberta, Canada |

    (A couple comes up to me looking for something to help against attacking cougars. I recommend bear spray, a high-power pepper spray to repel predators.)

    Customer: “Nah, we don’t need bear spray. Sometimes that stuff just pisses them off, y’know?”

    Me: “Well, in some rare cases–”

    Customer: “Hey what are those?” *points at 18″ machetes*

    Me: “Those are machetes.”

    Customer: “That’s perfect! That’s just what we ened. If there’s a cougar we don’t need no Bear Spray! We’ll just fight ‘em off with this!”

    Me: “Okay…you sure you wouldn’t like some bear spray, too? Just as a first option?”

    Customer: “Nah, sometimes that just pisses them off!”

    The Real Meaning Of Finger Food

    , | Bozeman, MT, USA |

    (I work at a restaurant that specializes in roast beef. A customer is standing at the end of the counter, staring at the meat slicer.)

    Customer: “Can I touch the beef?”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “The beef. On the slicer. I want to touch it.”

    Me: “Uh, I can’t let you do that.”

    Customer: “But why?”

    Me: “Well, we can’t turn the slicer off during the lunch rush unless we’re putting a new roast on it.”

    Customer: “Oh, you don’t have to turn the slicer off, I just wanna touch the beef!”

    Me: “Well, I don’t want to serve anyone a sliced beef and finger sandwich today, so tough luck.”

    Crimes Of (Extremely Long) Premeditation

    | Victoria, BC, Canada |

    Me: “That’ll be $23.44, ma’am.”

    Customer: *stares off into space*

    Me: “…Ma’am?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “How would you like to pay for this?”

    Customer: “Oh right, I guess I have to give you money…”

    Me: “I’d appreciate it.”

    Customer: “…or, I could always steal it.”

    (At first I think she’s kidding; but, after a long pause, I realize she is actually contemplating this.)

    Me: “I’d go with the former, ma’am.”

    What You [Don't] See Is What You Get

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, can you help me find invisible wire?”

    Me: “Oh, fish wire?”

    Customer: “Yes, invisible wire.”

    Me: “Yup, that’s right over here.”

    (I take the customer over, pull one off the hook and hand it to him.)

    Customer: “Is this a joke?!”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “This isn’t invisible wire! I can see it!”

    It Just Jumps Off The Page

    | Des Moines, IA, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “Hello, **** Printing.”

    Woman: “Yeah, I need to get something printed, and I just need to know if you can do it or not.”

    Me: “That’s entirely possible, what is it you want to print?”

    Woman: “Well, it’s something on a website.”

    Me: “Hmm. Web-res graphics tend not to print well. You’ll want something at least 300 dpi. And web graphics are in RGB color, and we would need CMYK.”

    Woman: “Oh. Well, if I show you the website, can you check?”

    Me: “Sure, no problem.”

    (She sends me to this website and directs me to a banner ad.)

    Me: “Uh, you mean this advertisement that’s flashing at the top of the screen?”

    Woman: “Yeah, can you print that? Like 1,000 of them so I can hand them out?”

    Me: “But it’s animated. Even if the quality was good enough to print, I could only print one still frame…it wouldn’t be moving.”

    Woman: “Darn it! That’s what my boyfriend told me too! I just wanted to be sure.”

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