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  • Got Him Out Of A Pickle
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    Less Twilight, More Daylight

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Me: “Hi, this is anesthesia. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “This is the blood bank, right?”

    Me: “No, this is anesthesia.”

    Caller: “That’s the same thing, right?”

    Me: “Not really.”

    Caller: “Well, what is anesthesia?”

    Me: “The stuff that puts you to sleep before surgery.”

    Caller: “Well who cares about that c**p!”

    Me: “People who need surgery?”

    Caller: “No! You know what they need? BLOOD!”

    Me: “Okay…but you still have the wrong number.”

    Caller: “Vampires need blood! You’re not a vampire because you don’t need blood! Humans don’t need blood!”

    Me: “Sir, humans need blood just as much as a vampire.”

    Caller: “Wait, so humans are vampires?”

    Me: “No, they just need–”

    Caller: “Holy f***! I’M A VAMPIRE! You just made my day!”

    Me: “Well, no–”

    Caller: “Thank you sooo much!” *click*

    A Sudden Change Of Heart

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    Customer:: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “Yes, how can I help?”

    Customer:: “I was wondering if you had a staff exit I could use.”

    Me: “The main exit is just there.” *points at front doors.*

    Customer:: “No, I can’t go through your security gates.”

    Me: “Why not?”

    Customer:: “I have a pacemaker. Walking through those gates will kill me!”

    Me: “But you came in through the gates.”

    Customer:: “Well, yes, but I didn’t know they were there when I came in!”

    The Highs and Lows Of Parenting

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    Me: “9-1-1, police fire or ambulance?”

    Customer: “Police.”

    Me: “What’s your emergency?”

    Customer: “Is it illegal for a 14 year old to be drinking Jack Daniels?”

    Me: “Yes, it is.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. And, one more question. Is it illegal for a 14 year old to be smoking marijuana?”

    Me: “Yes, it is, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. My son told me it wasn’t. I’d like you to arrest my son please. He’s been doing this for a couple of years now!”

    More Cars Than Common Sense

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    (I work as a security officer in a mall. Every now and then, we’ll take shoppers to their cars in our “mall mobiles” as a public service.)

    Me: “Hi, how are y’all doing?”

    Husband: “Doing good. We just parked over there. We drive a black Lexus.”

    (I’m unable to find the car in the parking lot the couple thought they parked in. I tell the other officers to help search for it in the other lots and garages.)

    Wife: “What if the car got stolen?”

    Me: “Well, you could file a report with us and the police.”

    Wife: “That’s all? But what about our car?”

    Me: “That’s all we can do, ma’am.”

    (After a little over an hour, we finally declare the vehicle stolen.)

    Wife: “Our car got stolen! How could you let this happen? What’s the point of you guys, anyway? You’re completely useless! We spend our money here so you guys can get paid, and you can’t even keep our cars from getting stolen! So useless!”

    (They file a report with us as well as the city police, and they leave for home via taxi. After about an hour, the lieutenant comes over the radio.

    Lieutenant: “You can forget about that report. That couple got home and found their car in their garage. They forgot they drove a different car tonight.”

    Sloth Goes Shopping

    | Jeffersonville, IN, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Store], how can I direct your call?”

    Caller:: “Are you in the store?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Caller:: “Good. Me too.”

    Me: “Sir, what can I help you with?”

    Caller:: “I need to know where [item] is. I didn’t want to walk around the store to look.”

    Me: “It is in aisle 5, sir.”

    Caller:: “You aren’t going to come and show me? You guys are lazy!” *click*

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