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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Beware The Jabberwacky

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I canna ammas farl a mara amas mitt.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t quite understand that.”

    Caller: “I camo olives for all a moron all this spit.”

    Me: “I do apologize, but I’m not able to understand you still.”

    Caller: “I….can’t…apollo…ferrari…a moral…on…this…day!!”

    Me: “Sir, I can hear you, but I can not understand what it is that you are trying to tell me.”

    Caller: “You speak Englits?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, I speak English.”

    Caller: “No! I said, you speak it?”

    Me: “Yes, I do speak English, sir.”

    Caller: “No you don’t! Give me somebody who speaks Englits!”

    Me: “Well, I can understand you a bit more clearly now. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “You gotta following a part a nards and fall away with ye?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t understand you again.”

    Caller: “THEN YOU DON’T SPEAK ENGLITS, YOU FARCHMAN!” *click*

    A Hole In Your Thinking

    | California, USA |

    Customer: “Can I have a sample of this doughnut?”

    Me: “Sorry, no.”

    Customer: “But you used to give them out! Why can’t I get one?”

    Me: “Yeah, that was a long time ago. Now we only give it to children.”

    (The customer squats down a bit.)

    Customer: “I’m twelve. Can I have a sample?”

    Allergic To Honesty

    , | Duluth, MN, USA |

    Me: “Hello, thanks for calling [pizza place] how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I ordered a pizza and it has green peppers and mushrooms on it.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but it says here that’s what you ordered.”

    Customer: “No! I am allergic to green peppers! Why would I order something I’m allergic to?”

    Me: “Alright, I understand. What did you intend to order?”

    Customer: “Ham and pepperoni.”

    Me: “Okay, we’ll have that out to you right away. Just make sure to give us the other pizza when we get there, okay?”

    Customer: “I can’t.”

    Me: “Why not?”

    Customer: “I ate it already.”

    Nuts For Cashews

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA |

    Me: “Hello, [golf course].”

    Customer: “Yes, Do you guys sell cashews?”

    Me: “As a matter of fact, we do.”

    Customer: “So how much are they?”

    Me: “$2.40.”

    Customer: “Okay, so can I get a tee time for 2:00?”

    Me: “Sure. How many people?”

    Customer: “Just me.”

    Me: “Okay, and golf cart or walking?”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m not golfing. I’m just coming to pick up the cashews!”

    By Land, Air, And Crazy

    | Gloucester, UK | Military

    (Note: I’m an Air Cadet packing bags at a store in return for donations.)

    Customer: “So, what are you collecting for?”

    Me: “Air Cadets, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Army cadets, ‘ay?”

    Me: “No, ma’am…Air Cadets.”

    Customer: “I used to be an Army Cadet. I loved being on them big old boats.”

    Me: “I think you were a Sea Cadet.”

    Customer: “Well, anyway, I’ll always donate to the Army Cadets. Stop them d*** Air Cadets from ruling the sea!”

    Me: “But ma’am…we fly, not sail.”

    Customer: “No, that can’t be right! It was them d*** sea cadets that did that flying business. No, air cadets were the ones who were always crawling through mud.”

    Me: “But ma’am, I–”

    Customer: “Well, this should give you enough to buy a new sail. I don’t know why I donate so much, you know!” *hands me an old three pence piece*

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