Honesty Is Not Always The Best Policy

| Batesville, AR, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Top

Me: “Okay, your total is $123.42.”

Customer: “Did you remember to add my discount?”

Me: “What discount?”

Customer: “My five finger discount.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “My five finger discount. My son comes in here all the time and says he gets a five finger discount.”

Babel-ing On

| Chula Vista, CA, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Uncategorized

Me: “Welcome to [restaurant] I’ll be your server this evening.”

Customer: “Habla español?”

Me: “No sir, I don’t.”

Customer: “Italian?”

Me: “Nope.”

Customer: “French?”

Me: “Sorry, no.”

Customer: “Well, then what language do you speak?”

Dog Gone Crazy

| North Miami, FL, USA | Funny Names, Language & Words, Pets & Animals, Uncategorized

(A customer who doesn’t seem to speak much English walks up to me.)

Customer: “Where is chili?”

Me: “Are you looking for chili mix or pre-made chili?”

Customer: “Is chili in can?”

(I tell him where to find the canned chili. A few minutes later, he comes up to me again.)

Customer: “Sorry, I no find it. Help please?”

Me: “Do you know what brand it was?”

Customer: “It has picture of dog.”

Me: “A dog logo? I can’t think of a brand that makes chili and has a dog logo.”

Customer: “Is called… ah… What is it… um… [dog food brand]! Yes, that’s it! [Dog food brand] is name! The one with the dog!”

Me: “Sir… [dog food brand] is a brand of dog food.”

Customer: “Yes! Yes! Is chili with dog picture! Where is it? My family love it!”

Not Sooted To That Service

| Kentucky, USA | Pets & Animals, Uncategorized

(A customer calls asking if we would come and inspect her chimney, as there is ‘an animal’ inside it ‘scratching around’.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we’re not equipped to do that. If you like, I can suggest a local exterminator. Once the animal is gone, we’d be thrilled to come by and find how it’s been getting into your chimney and plug up the hole.”

Caller: “No, you’ve come out here and done this before. A couple times. I know you guys do this.”

Me: “Ma’am, we just don’t have any resources to remove live animals from chimneys.”

Caller: “But, if you come sweep it, won’t the animal come out? Like, when you clean?”

Me: “Well, yes, it may, but, if it comes out, it will be in your living room, and it will be very angry and covered in soot.”

Caller: “Oh. What was that other place you mentioned again?”

Not Being Paid To Navel Gaze

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | At The Checkout, Uncategorized

(My customer is an old friend I have not seen since high school.)

Customer: *showing off her belly* “Seven months! The baby kicks sometimes, do you want to feel?”

Me: “Sure!”

(I finish with my customer, and move on to the next customer in line, an older man.)

Customer: *rubbing his belly and grinning* “Mine growls sometimes! Wanna feel mine too?”

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