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  • Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 7
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    Here Today, Gone To Maui

    | Anchorage, AK, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling [travel agency].”

    Customer: “Yeah…I’m a senior, and a disabled veteran.”

    Me: “Okay, thank you for your service, sir. Are you looking to book a plane ticket?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I want a ticket to Honolulu. I’m a disabled veteran of the U.S. Army.”

    Me: “Okay, and what day would you like to leave?”

    Customer: “Well, whenever my Visa arrives.”

    Me: “Visa?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Sir, you are a U.S. Citizen, aren’t you?”

    Customer: “Yup.”

    Me: “Hawaii is in the United States, sir. You don’t need a passport or visa to get there if you’re a U.S. citizen.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s new!”

    What A Quack

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada |

    Me: “Hello, thanks for calling [store] where you can get great back to school fashions. This is Cara speaking, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, do you have any duck things?”

    Me: “Duck things? What sort of duck things, sir?”

    Customer: “Duck things.”

    Me: “No, we do not.”

    Customer: “Oh. Do you have any duck key chains?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “What about duck earrings?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “Oh. Did you know I have over two hundred stuffed ducks?”

    Me: “That’s… awesome?”

    Customer: “They have neck braces. We got in a car accident, me and my stuffed ducks.”

    Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Customer: “I gave my ducks neck braces.”

    Me: “I really–”

    Customer: “The doctor had to wrap me in twelve blankets!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

    Customer: “Do you have any duck things?”

    Me: “No, but why don’t you try calling another [store]? We’re low volume, so we have less than the other ones.”

    Customer: “I have lots of stuffed ducks, you know. They have neck braces because we got in a car accident.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I have another customer. I really have to let you go.”

    Customer: “Do you have any duck things?”

    Me: “No, sir.”

    Customer: “Have a nice day!” *hangs up*

    Gastronomically Priced Apparel

    , | Columbia, MD, USA |

    (While working at a well-known clothing store, a customer walks up to my cash register empty handed.)

    Me: “Did you find everything you needed today?”

    Customer: “I’ve been in here for fifteen minutes and nobody gave me a table yet.”

    Me: “…What?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I’ve been here for fifteen minutes and nobody sat me down.”

    Me: “We have a couch over by the fitting rooms if you’d like to have a seat.”

    Customer: “You don’t have any tables? What about booths?”

    Me: “Um…we don’t have anything like that here.”

    Customer: “Is this a new type of restaurant or something?”

    Me: “No, this is a clothing store; we sell clothes. That’s why we have lots of clothing here and no kitchen.”

    Customer: “Oh…why didn’t anybody tell me?”

    Me: “Did you ask someone?”

    Customer: “No!” *storms out of the store*

    Now Accepting Cash, Checks, And Fingerpaint

    | Apple Valley, MN, USA |

    (A customer walks up to my register with her 2 year old sitting in the child seat of her cart.)

    Customer: “I have these two coupons I’d like to use.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you can only use one coupon.”

    Customer: “Okay, then I’ll buy this separately.”

    (The customer separates a large pillar candle from her other purchases and puts one of the coupons on top.)

    Me: “Actually, we can only take one coupon per customer per day.”

    Customer: *completely serious* “I’m not buying it, she’s buying it!” *gestures to her 2 year old*

    Bananas About The Boob Tube

    | Northampton, UK |

    (I work in the home insurance department for a large insurer. We offer standard Buildings and Contents with an optional add-on of Home Emergency. This is for burst pipes, boilers going down, etc.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, you’re through to [name]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’ve just bought a new TV. Is it covered under my Contents insurance?”

    Me: “Yes, it will be covered under Contents.”

    Customer: “And is it covered under Home Emergency?”

    Me: “Sorry, how do you mean?”

    Customer: *sighs* “I MEAN, how long will it take for you to get a replacement television out to me if this one stops working?”

    Me: “Um…unfortunately your television is not covered under Home Emergency.”

    Customer: “Why not?!”

    Me: “We don’t class a broken television as an emergency.”

    Customer: “Well I do, and I know I’m right! What do I do if my television breaks and I can’t watch my programmes? GOD D*** PHONE MONKEYS!” *hangs up*

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