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    Friends With Benefits, Cards With Innuendos

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “Hi there. Can I help you find a certain section?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a card.”

    Me: “Okay. What type of card?”

    Customer: “Well, there is this guy and he is my friend…but not really…and I want to get him a special card.”

    Me: “Okay, I’m not sure I understand. Do you want a friendship card?”

    Customer: “No. Oh my God, he would hate that! It’s just that…we’re friends, but not really. Like, we’re more than friends.”

    Me: “So, your boy–”

    Customer: “OH, GOD NO! He’s not my boyfriend. We just have a lot of sex, and I want to get him a card…for that.”

    Me: “Ma’am…I don’t think we actually make ‘Sex Buddy Cards’.”

    Customer: *long pause*

    Me: “Maybe a ‘Thank You’ card?”

    Customer: *runs from store*

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Guilty, Yet Guiltless

    | USA |

    Me: “Hi, is **** there?”

    Customer: “This is him.”

    Me: “Hi, ****. I’m calling about your order.”

    Customer: “Oh, great! What do you need?”

    Me: “Well, sir, you unfortunately forgot to sign both your money orders.”

    Customer: “…So?”

    Me: “We can’t cash them if they’re not signed. They’re like checks that way.”

    Customer: “…So? When that happens, you should just sign it for us. You must write checks to yourselves for customers all the time.”

    Me: “No, sir, that’s called fraud.”

    Customer: “…So?”

    Me: “…So, that’s illegal.”

    Customer: “…So?”

    Textual Discrimination

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    (A customer approaches me holding an audio book.)

    Customer: “What’s this?”

    Me: “It’s an audio book.”

    Customer: “What’s that?”

    Me: “Well, it’s books read aloud so people can listen to them instead of reading the text.”

    (The customer looks horrified.)

    Customer: “Do you have more?”

    Me: “Oh yes, those shelves behind you there.” *pointing*

    Customer: *looking at the rows of audio books* “That’s disgusting! People who can’t read shouldn’t be allowed in libraries anyway! You shouldn’t pander to them!”

    Me: “Well, it’s also for people who have low or no vision.”

    Customer: “They have no right to books, either!” *storms out*

    A Snake Eating Its Own Tail

    , | Essex, VT, USA |

    (It’s late at night and only one manager, another employee, and I are working. I’m manning the drive-thru when a car pulls up.)

    Customer: *over speaker* “I just came through the drive-thru, and I got a fish sandwich.”

    Me: “Okay, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “There was a bite in my sandwich!”

    Me: “I’m sorry? Please drive around and I’ll see what I can do.”

    Customer: *at window* “What you can do, young lady, is get me a new sandwich.”

    Me: “Um, sir, nobody here would have taken a bite of your sandwich. Are you sure it didn’t just break off?”

    Customer: “NO! Give me a new sandwich! I just tasted this sandwich and it tasted terrible.”

    Me: “Wait – you bit the sandwich after you found a bite?”

    Customer: “No, you idiot! I bit the sandwich, and I need another one!”

    Me: “…”

    Old MacDonald Had A Meal

    | Australia |

    (I’m a waitress at a restaurant, and an elderly man just ordered a steak.)

    Me: “How would you like your steak, sir?”

    Customer: “Alive.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Alive. I want it alive.”

    Me: “I’m not sure I get you sir – do you mean rare?”

    Customer: “No. Alive! When I poke my fork in, it will have to say ‘MOO!’”

    Me: “…I’m not sure we can arrange that for you, sir. It’s impossible.”

    Customer: “You’re saying it’s impossible for you to bring a cow in here?”

    Me: “That’s right, sir.”

    Customer: “OK, I’ll have mine well done then.”

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