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  • Thou Shalt Not Pick And Choose
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    We Prefer Not To Watch Dr. Manhattan’s Project

    , | Fort Wayne, Indiana, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, do you sell stuff from the Watchmen movie?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, we don’t. Since the movie was rated R, there are no licensed Watchmen products marketed to children.”

    Customer: “Well, do you know where I can find Watchmen stuff?”

    Me: “Do you have something that you’re looking for in particular?”

    Customer: “Well, my son’s school is having a superhero themed day where all the kids are supposed to come to school in costume. My son wanted to go as Dr. Manhattan.”

    Me: “Dr. Manhattan? Ma’am, do you know anything about him?”

    Customer: “I know that he’s blue. Don’t you have anything at all?”

    Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, Dr. Manhattan walks around completely naked. Part of the reason the movie is rated R is because you see…everything…when he’s on screen.”

    Customer: “Uh-huh. Do you think [other store] sells Watchmen stuff?”

    Me: *giving up* “I’m sure it would be worth a shot…”

    May Be Stupid But Having A Ball

    | Bangor, ME, USA |

    Customer: “The stop button on your roulette wheel isn’t working.”

    Me: “Let me see.”

    (I put a token into the machine. I allow the customer to play to show me what’s wrong.)

    Customer: “See, now when I hit the stop button, it keeps going.”

    Me: “The stop button only starts it slowing down to stop.”

    Customer: “No, I mean the ball.”

    Me: “Sir, the button does not control the ball.”

    Customer: “What does?”

    Me: “Physics?”

    North Of The Moral Border

    | Port Stanley, ON, Canada |

    (A mother approaches me, violently dragging her two teenage boys along.)

    Mother: “I demand you call the police immediately and have them arrest those ‘flashers’ at once!”

    (She motions to the two topless girls on the beach.)

    Me: “Actually, here in Ontario, it’s legal for women to go topless. Are you not from around here?”

    Mother: “I am from America where we have morals and standards. You people sicken me! They are far too young to be doing that!”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but there is technically no age limit on the law. It applies the same as it does to your sons.”

    Mother: “Is there not a family section for decent people to enjoy the beach without these sick perverts exposing themselves to everyone?”

    Me: “Again, I apologize, but it’s not about the beach. It’s legal for women of any age to go topless anywhere outdoors they please…same as men.”

    Mother: “I will sue this whole country for punitive damages! My sons will be scarred for life!”

    (Her sons are clearly scarred, as they are staring at the topless girls with huge grins on their faces. All of a sudden, three more topless girls walk past. She attempts to cover both her sons’ eyes with her hands.)

    Mother: “Heathens! You will all burn in h***! Sinners and perverts, that’s all you Canadians are!”

    Just Give Them A Watered Down Answer

    | Niagara Falls, ON, Canada |

    (I work at a hotel half an hour away from Niagara Falls.)

    Customer: “What time do the Falls stop?”

    Me: “You mean the stores? I think they’re probably closed-”

    Customer: “No, no, the Falls. What time do they run until?”

    Me: “The lights? I believe 10 or so–”

    Customer: “No, no, I mean the actual waterfall, what time do they turn it off?”

    Me: “Midnight.”

    (It’s about 11:30pm, so they thank me and run out. Two hours later, they return.)

    Customer: “Thanks a lot for the help earlier! I guess it was our lucky day. They didn’t turn them off yet!”

    Jokes From Down Under Are Just Too Alien

    | Bremerton, WA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling . How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Have you seen District 9?”

    Me: “Yes, I have. Do have questions about it?”

    Caller: “Is this some sort of Australian joke?”

    Me: “I beg your pardon?”

    Caller: “All this movie has been is interviews with government people and aliens wearing brassieres! Am I watching some weird special feature or is this some kind of Australian joke?”

    Me: “Well, the movie is in a documentary style and that definitely sounds like the beginning of the movie. If you want, you can come down to the store and exchange it for no charge.”

    Caller: “Thank you very much. Those Australians have a weird sense of humor, man. I should know…I used to be married to a Brit and they’re strange, too!”

    Me: “All right, sir you have a good night.”

    Caller: “OK. I will put in a decent movie now which is not an Australian joke.”

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