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    The Karma Of Capitalism

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “Can I help you sir?”

    Customer: “Can you…do…this coupon?” *holds out coupon*

    Me: “Yes, our two-for-one special. What flavors would you like?”

    (The customer then dictates two particularly long and complicated orders.)

    Customer: “I don’t like the energy you gave off while making those ice creams. Make them again.”

    Me: “Okay…I’ll try to change my energy, sir.”

    (Later, after I re-did the order.)

    Me: “That would be $3.66, please.”

    Customer: “But I have a coupon.”

    Me: “A two-for-one means you have to pay for one of the two ice creams.”

    Customer: “Pay…? But…free?”

    Me: “You have to pay, yes.”

    Customer: “But I just wanted free ice-cream…”

    Me: “Do you even have any money?”

    Customer: “What the h*** do I need money for? I have a coupon!”

    Step 1: Insert Foot Into Mouth

    | Oregon, USA |

    (I am one of the few women working at my computer store. One day a male customer speaks up near me.)

    Customer: “Wow, that’s a pretty big rack you’ve got there!”

    Me: *looking up from monitor screen* “…excuse me?”

    (I then follow his gaze to see him looking at a giant walk-in rack mount we have for sale.)

    Customer: “Oh, wow. I gotta watch how I phrase things.”

    Happy PTLBOTT Day!

    | Pigeon Forge, TN, USA |

    (I work at a restaurant outside a national park. Our busiest season is the fall, when the leaves change.)

    Me: “[Restaurant], how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, are you outside?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I’m in an office. Is there anything I can do for you?”

    Caller: “Well, do you know when the leaves change out there?”

    Me: “Yes, they’re changing now. They’re very beautiful.”

    Caller: “What?! We missed it!”

    Me: “No, ma’am, the leaves aren’t done changing.”

    Caller: “Well, we live in New York and won’t be able to make it there today. What day do they change back?”

    Me: “Um…they don’t change back. They fall, like the season.”

    Caller: “Well, when do you put them back on the tree?”

    Me: *gives up* “Er…’Put The Leaves Back On The Trees’ day?”

    Caller: “Oh, thank you!”

    Tasteless And Pointless

    | Norfolk, UK |

    (I’m giving out free samples of Norfolk apple juice that we sell. There are several different flavors.)

    Me: “Hello, Madam. Would you like to try some of our apple juice?”

    Customer: “Oh, yes please!”

    (The lady samples each one several times, making “Mmm!” sounds.)

    Customer: “Well, I must admit they were very nice.”

    Me: “Good! Which one was your favorite?”

    Customer: “I couldn’t tell you dear, I lost my sense of taste and smell years ago.” *walks off*

    One Annoyed Paranoid, Part 2

    | Appleton, WI, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [phone company]. How may I help you today?”

    Caller: “Hi, I just want to know why my bill is higher this month. You guys are always adding charges to my bill, and I want to know why!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I will be more than happy to help you figure out those charges. Let me pull up the account. Who am I speaking with?”

    Caller: “I can’t tell you that.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I need to pull up the account to find out what your charges are. I can’t do that if I don’t get any information from you.”

    Caller: *reluctantly gives name* “I don’t know why you keep asking me for this information! You have my credit card numbers and social security numbers and whatever else! What government agency are you selling my information to, anyway?”

    Me: “Ma’am, we do not sell your information. I can’t even access any of your–”

    Caller: “I know you tell them where I call! The police are tapping my phone and harassing me! I know you have my information!”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am…well, the charges on your account seem to be 411 charges.”

    Caller: “That’s so they don’t know who I’m calling!” *click*

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