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    Forget The Coupon, Just Wing It

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [restaurant]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I’ve got coupon for 12 wings free. But, it says it excludes boneless wings. So, I was wondering if I could place an order and get the boneless wings free.”

    Me: “Sir, if it says it excludes the boneless wings, then I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

    Customer: “Oh. So, even if I cross it off, it won’t work?”

    Ironing Out Some Laundry Stereotypes

    | Brooklyn, NY, USA | Top

    (I am sitting in a laundromat, waiting for my laundry. An irate customer approaches me while I am reading a book.)

    Customer: “Can you help?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Can you help me with this machine? I don’t think it’s working properly.”

    Me: “I can take a look, but I don’t know too much about these things.”

    Customer: *exasperated* “How is it that you don’t know how these machines work? What kind of lazy employee are you? You just sit here reading a book when customers are struggling?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m just trying to do my laundry like you are.”

    Customer: “This is the worst experience I’ve ever had here! Where are your parents? I need to complain to them.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m 25 years old and my Korean parents live in New Jersey. There is a nice Chinese family that owns this business. They might be able to help you better than I can.”

    Customer: “But don’t you all know how to fix these things?”

    Beer Is Sold On A Case By Case Basis

    | Fort Smith, AR, USA |

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [drive in]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I’d like a deluxe burger and a fry.”

    Me: “Did you want to make that a combo today, and add a drink for only fifty cents more?”

    Customer: “Well, shoot! Yeah, give me a beer.”

    Me: “Sir, this is a drive in. We don’t serve beer.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because this is a drive in. It’s illegal to drink and drive.”

    Customer: “I bet you’d get a lot more business if you sold beer.”

    Please Do Not Press The Beeping Button

    | Machesney Park, IL, USA |

    (I’m conducting a customer satisfaction survey over the phone.)

    Me: “Using a scale from 1 to 10, how would you rate your cable service?”

    (I hear a ‘beep’.)

    Me: “I need to you actually say the number, not dial it on your phone.”

    Customer: “Isn’t this automated?”

    Me: “Well, I’m not a machine. Could you please say what number you would rate your cable service?”

    Customer: “8.”

    Me: “Great! And using the same scale, how would you rate your internet service?”

    *beep*

    Me: “I still need you to say the number.”

    Customer: “Sorry, I got confused. 8.”

    Me: “Okay, and how would you rate your phone service?”

    *beep*

    (This went on for all thirty questions.)

    Needs A Good Dressing Down

    | Poulsbo, WA, USA |

    (I am making a customer a salad. She is listing off what she wants on it.)

    Me: “So that was oil, vinegar, and honey mustard for the dressings?”

    Customer: “Yes, please.”

    (I proceed to put them on.)

    Customer: “I didn’t want honey mustard.”

    Me: “I just asked you if you wanted it, and you said yes.”

    Customer: “I never said I wanted it.”

    (To avoid confrontation, I set it aside and make a new one. I finish putting all the dressings on, except the honey mustard.)

    Me: “Sorry about that. Would you like anything else on it?”

    Customer: “You know what, I will try some honey mustard on it after all.”

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