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    Feeling Fuel-ish

    | Wellington, New Zealand |

    (At the petrol station where I work, a customer comes barging into the store.)

    Customer: “There’s $20 on my pump and I haven’t put any petrol in!”

    Me: “What’s the problem exactly?”

    Customer: “I haven’t put any petrol in but the pump says $20.”

    Me: “Oh, that will be the sale from the last person who used the pump. It’s fine.”

    Customer: “But there’s $20 on the pump, I’m not paying for their petrol. Why’s it not on zero?”

    Me: Don’t worry, it resets itself.”

    Customer: “But it says $20, not zero. It hasn’t reset.”

    Me: “Yes it has. Look I’ll show you.”

    (I walk out to her pump with the customer behind me. Picking up the pump, the counters reset themselves to zero.)

    Customer: “Oh…I’m not usually that stupid.”

    Putting The Why In The Y-Chromosome

    | Breda, The Netherlands |

    (A man calls about his phone line that’s not working. After some checks, it’s clear that the fault is somewhere in our network.)

    Me: Alright sir, I’ll open up a support ticket and put it through to our engineers. They’ll fix it for you.”

    Male caller: “They oughta fix it soon, because my mother is very ill and in the hospital. I want to be able to be called by the doctors.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. These problems are normally solved pretty quickly, but I’ll make a note of it so that our engineers will give it a higher priority.”

    Male caller: “You’d better do that!”

    (We end the call and I put the request through. When I check the ticket a day later, I see it has been solved about two hours after the initial call. As part of standard procedure I call the man back. This time, a lady answers the phone.)

    Me: “I’m calling you about the trouble you had regarding your phone line. Someone else called about this yesterday and I wanted to ask if everything was take care of well.”

    Female caller: “Oh, it must have been my son who called about that. Well, everything was solved, and pretty quick too.”

    Me: “Your son? I’m glad to hear you’re out of the hospital already.”

    Female caller: “In the hospital? What are you talking about?”

    Me: “Your son said you were very ill.”

    Female caller: “That liar! He told me he had a trick he uses to get problems like these. He does this all the time. I’ll make sure he won’t do this again!”

    Me: “Okay. Well, have a nice day then.”

    Female caller: “You too, and I’m sorry about my son. He just looks like his father, that’s all!”

    A Dollar In The Hand Is Worth Zero In The Wallet

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA |

    Me: “Your total is $10.27, ma’am.”

    Customer: *waves a piece of paper* “Is this a coupon?”

    Me: “Not exactly. If you put your email address on it, we’ll send it to corporate and they’ll send you store updates, which will also have a coupon in the first email you receive.”

    Customer: “Oh, great! Thanks!” *turns to leave*

    Me: “Ma’am, you still need to pay.”

    Customer: “I just did.”

    Me: “I don’t think so.”

    Customer: “No?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, you didn’t. Your total is $10.27.”

    Customer: “Well, now I know I paid! I remember you saying $10.27 before.”

    Me: “Yes, I did, but you didn’t pay me the last time I said it, either.”

    Customer: “So, you know what that means?” *reaches for her unpaid items*

    Me: *takes back her unpaid items* “…that you can’t have this until you pay for it?”

    Customer: “I’m never shopping here again!”

    Pants-Fulfilling Prophecy

    | Salisbury, MD, USA |

    (A coworker of mine is looking through racks of clothes, trying to find where a shirt goes. A customer and her friend approaches her as she’s doing this.)

    Customer: “Why the h*** are you following us?”

    Coworker: “Um…sorry?”

    Customer: “You don’t have to follow us around the whole store. I’m not going to steal some cheap $5 shirt.”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m just trying to figure out where this shirt goes.”

    Customer: “Shouldn’t you know where it goes? You do work here!”

    Coworker: “Sorry, ma’am, they change the layout every few days.”

    Customer: “I should sue you for discrimination!”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, if I thought you were going to steal from us, the manager would be following you, not me.”

    Customer: “Whatever! We’re leaving!”

    (As the customer turns away, my coworker notices a tag sticking out from the pants of the woman who was with the angry customer.)

    Coworker: “Tell your friend that she can pay for that shirt she’s trying to steal at the front of the store.”

    Customer’s friend: “S**T!”

    (The customer and her friend both bolt from the store, dropping the shirt in the process.)

    Appease The Portuguese

    | Johannesburg, South Africa |

    (Note: Many South African liquor stores are owned by Portuguese people.)

    Customer: “Obrigado!” (Speaks in Portuguese.)

    Me: “Sorry sir, I don’t speak Portuguese.”

    Customer: “WHAT! Your family didn’t raise you in this s*** country to forget where we come from!” *guttural swearing in Portuguese*

    Me: “Yes, sir, but-”

    Customer: “WHAT THE F***! Did your daddy run away and leave your mother that you cant speak huh? You’re a half-breed! What you gonna do when this f***ing country goes to s*** and we gotta leave, huh?”

    Me: “Well–”

    Customer: “So do you even THINK of yourself as Portuguese? Or are you ashamed of where you come from or what?”

    Me: “I’m Spanish.”

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