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    Home Improvement, P.I.

    | Cedar Rapids, IA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “I need a garage door.”

    Me: “Okay, our garage doors are back in the millwork department.”

    Customer: “No! I don’t need a garage door.”

    Me: “Alright…what is it that you need?”

    Customer: “I need a garage door!”

    Me: “All of our garage door stuff is back in millwork.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want a garage door!”

    Me: “Is this a door inside your garage?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well, all of our doors are going to be back in millwork as well.”


    Me: “Well, then what is it that you are looking for?”

    Customer: “I need a garage door.”

    (Hearing the commotion, a coworker shows up.)

    Coworker: “Ma’am, what does this item do that you are looking for?”

    Customer: “It does this…” *makes a slow opening motion with hand*

    Me: “So is it on the door inside your garage?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well, what does it do?”

    Customer: “It does this…” *makes same hand motion*

    Coworker: “What exactly does this do?”

    Customer: “It keeps the wind out.”

    Me: “Okay…is it weather stripping?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Coworker: “Does it keep the door shut?”

    Customer: “Yes. I think it’s a spring!”

    (Mystery solved!)

    Identity Crisis

    | United Kingdom |

    Customer: “Hi, I want 20 Marlboros.”

    Me: “Do you have any ID at all?”

    (The customer lifts his right sleeve on his t-shirt to reveal a tattoo of a date.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t accept that.”

    Customer: “Why not? That’s my f***ing date of birth! You think I‚Äôd just get some random date done on my arm?”

    Me: “We need photo ID, sir, like a driver’s license or a passport.”

    (The customer points at his face.)

    Me: “Umm…”

    *Sigh*, They Grow Up So Slow…

    | Des Moines, IA, USA | Top

    (A customer slams open the door to our indoor paintball field and storms in, shouting.)

    Customer: “Where’s the manager?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m the owner. What is the problem?”

    Customer: “I saw on your web site that you require a parental consent for kids to play at your field. Well, I never signed one, and my son said he’d been playing paintball here. He has bumps and bruises all over him, and I NEVER signed a consent form!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. He must have forged your name or had another adult sign for him. What’s his name? I’ll find the consent form.”

    Customer: “His name is ***.”

    (I find his form and show it to her.)

    Me: “Is this your son’s form?”

    Customer: “Yes! See, I never signed it!”

    Me: “Ma’am, your son is 27 years old. Only children are required to have a parent’s signature to play.”

    Customer: “But he is a child! He’s my child!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, let me rephrase that. Only children under the age of 18 need to have a parent’s signature to play. Since your son is 27, he can sign for himself that he understands all of the risks involved.”

    Customer: “This is insane! He could get his eye shot out, or be knocked out, or killed! This is illegal! I’m calling the police!”

    Hard Drugs And Harder Pharmacists

    | Mount Holly, NJ, USA | Top

    (A teen approaches my cash register very slowly.)

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Gimme all the f***ing medicine!”

    (The teen pulls out an airsoft pistol with orange tip still glued to the front.)

    Me: “The pharmacy is in the back of the store.”

    Customer: “Oh…okay.”

    (He holsters the air-soft gun in his belt and darts down the aisles to the back of the store. My manager comes out of the back room because of the commotion.)

    Manager: “Who was that?”

    Me: “Some kid looking for drugs. He went back to the pharmacy.”

    Manager: “Why didn’t you call the police?”

    (The teen runs screaming from the back of the store out of the front door followed closely by the pharmacy technician, a 35 year old boxer built like a fridge.)

    Me: “Doug started working today.”

    How About “Shop Around The Clock”

    | Canterbury, England, UK |

    (A customer comes up to our customer service desk complaining about music playing in our store.)

    Customer: “I want you to take that last song off the speakers.”

    Me: “Umm, ‘Don’t Upset The Rhythm’? Is that the one?”

    Customer: “The one that goes ‘Go Baby Go Baby Go’?”

    Me: “Yeah.”

    Customer: “Yes, take it off. It’s pressuring me to hurry my shopping!”

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