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    Have Barcode, Will Scan

    | Toronto, Canada |

    (I am helping my friend out at the grocery store she works at, with the manager’s permission. She’s stuck a barcode from an orange on my t-shirt, and it’s refusing to come off.)

    Customer: *places three individual grapes on the conveyor belt*

    Employee friend: “Sir, where are your groceries?”

    Customer: “These are my groceries.”

    Me: “Sir, you’ve only got three grapes.”

    Customer: “Yes, those are my groceries.”

    Employee friend: “Will that be all, sir?”

    Customer: “No, how much is she?” *points to me*

    Me: “Come again?”

    Employee friend: “Sir, I’m not sure what you mean.”

    Customer: “Your friend, the one not wearing the uniform. How much does she cost?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m not for sale.”

    Customer: “Well, do you work here?”

    Me: “Well, no, not technically.”

    Customer: “Are you shopping here?”

    Me: “Um, no. But–”

    Customer: “Well, then, why are you here?”

    Me: “I’m helping my friends out.”

    Customer: “But you have a barcode sticker on you.”

    Me: “Well, yes, sir. That was a joke.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s false advertisement.”

    Employee friend: “I’m pretty sure that isn’t-”

    Customer: “I’m going to need to speak with your manager!”

    They Always Hunt In Packs

    , | Minnesota, USA |

    (I’m working at the fast food drive-thru with a particularly large group of cars in line.)

    Customer: “It sure got busy all at once.”

    Me: “Yeah, it happens like that.”

    Customer: “You know why that is, right?”

    Me: “No, tell me?”

    Customer: “We wait around the corner until we have a group of about ten cars, and then we swarm all at once!”

    (And from that day forward, everything made sense.)

    Just Plain Queue-pid

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    (It’s a busy day, and we already have several customers lined up for the registers. A customer at the back of the line is trying to get a coworker’s attention.)

    Customer: “Hey! Excuse me! I want to buy this!”

    Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, but there are people in front of you. You’ll have to wait until they’re finished first.”

    Customer: “What?! Why do they get to go first?”

    Coworker: “Because they were here first?”

    Customer: “Nuh-uh! You don’t know that!”

    Coworker: “Yes, I do…”

    (They go back and forth for a few minutes before my coworker gives up.)

    Coworker: “Ma’am, they get to go first because they got dibs on the registers. ”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, can I get dibs after them?”

    Coworker: “Well, okay.”

    Customer: “Thanks!”

    Sucks In The City

    | Henniker, NH, USA |

    (This is late at night at the video rental store, and I’m a teenage girl working by myself. A man walks in and stands there grinning.)

    Me: “Um, hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Sucks to be you!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: *pulls his arm in front of his face like Dracula* “I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!”

    Me: “Uh…are you looking for Dracula videos…?”

    (At this point, we hear a car pull up.)

    Customer: “AHH! WITNESSES! DRACULA, AWAY!” *runs out*

    The Joy Of (Repeat) Checks

    | Monticello, MN, USA |

    Me: “Sir, your computer is all ready to go. We got all the viruses off of it.”

    Customer: “Question: do you get viruses from looking at porno sites?”

    Me: “Yes sir, the majority of those sites contain viruses.”

    Customer: “….hmm…well then, I’ll probably be back here soon.”


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