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    Wake Up And Smell The Fumes

    | Orange County, CA, USA | Top

    (I’m a public safety officer in charge of the entire campus over the weekend. A large building has been locked, secured, and the key card access has been turned off because the building is being fumigated. I get a call on my work phone.)

    Me: “Campus safety, how can I help you?”

    Faculty: “Hi, I need to get into [building].”

    Me: “Sorry, that building is closed for fumigation.”

    Faculty: “I know, I left something in my office that’s really important. I need to go up and get it.”

    Me: “I understand, but the entire building is locked up so no one can get in.”

    Faculty: “I know, I have been trying to get in. They must have shut off the keycard readers.”

    Me: “You’re trying to get in? You can’t sir. The entire building is filled with toxic fumes.”

    Faculty: “I know that! I just need to get in real fast and grab something.”

    (His office is actually on the 4th floor. Even running and taking the elevator could be a 6-10 minute round trip in poisonous gas.)

    Me: “Sir, I can’t let you in. You could become seriously ill from the fumes. I can’t take that responsibility.”

    Faculty: “What if I wrote you a note saying it was okay?”

    Me: “That likely wouldn’t protect me from much if I let you in and you collapse. Then I would have to go in and get you and compromise my health and safety.”

    Faculty: “But you’re Campus Safety! Isn’t it your job to do that?”

    Me: “I’m ensuring your safety by not letting you in a poison-filled death trap.”

    Faculty: “Fine, then!” *hangs up*

    To Serve Man

    | Northridge, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Top

    (A male customer approaches the cash register.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “What did you say to me?”

    Me: “Um, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “You…help me? How can you…help me? YOU?”

    Me: “Um, yes. Do you have a problem with that?”

    Customer: “You can’t help me!”

    Me: “Okay, why not?”

    Customer: “Because I don’t need YOUR help!”

    Me: “Okay, what what do you want me to do? I’m the only one working here.”

    Customer: “I want you to ask me, ‘How may I serve you?'”

    Me: “Um, no.”

    Customer: *cusses up a storm and leaves*

    All Signs Point To Duh, Part 3

    | Bethlehem, PA, USA | Uncategorized

    (A mother, daughter, and a son who looks to be around 15 years old are sitting near the door. As they are getting ready to leave, the son wanders over to the door. In very large, clear letters, the door says “Emergency Door Only” and “Alarm Will Sound If Door Is Opened”. He looks up, sees the sign, and without hesitating, he opens the door. Sure enough, the alarm sounds.)

    Me: “Sir, why did you open the fire door?”

    Customer: “I didn’t know it was an alarm door! How the h*** was I supposed to know!?”

    Related:
    All Signs Point To Duh, Part 2
    All Signs Point To Duh

    Parenting Requires Teamwork, Sometimes Involuntary

    | Australia | Family & Kids

    (A mother is chasing her 5 year old around the store because he can’t have what he wants. After chasing him for a few seconds and yelling at him, she turns to me.)

    Customer: “Can you tell my son you don’t want him in your store?”

    Me: “Um, I don’t know if that would–”

    Customer, to her son: “See! The man says you’re bad and have to get out of the store!”

    Son: *leaves quietly*

    Me: *speechless*

    Call 911: We’ve Got A Serious Case Of Insensitivity

    | Alberta, Canada | Hotels & Lodging

    (I am a supervisor at a hotel in the Canadian Rockies. This particular day, I am on duty alone and on the phone with a caller when this takes place.)

    Guest: *shouting* “Call 911 now!”

    (I glance up from the phone call to see that a guest has collapsed in the lobby.)

    Me, on the phone: “There is an emergency and I need to put you on hold.”

    (I put him on hold to call 911. I alert the paramedics and begin first aid on the fallen guest. In the meantime, my boss goes behind the desk to assist other clients. He notices there is a call on hold and picks up.)

    Boss: “Yes, sir. I understand, sir, however, there is a legitimate emergency taking place in the lobby as I speak which she had to attend to.”

    Caller: *inaudible*

    Boss: “Yes, I understand your time is important, as is your business, however, I am sure you can appreciate why she was called away so abruptly.”

    Caller: *inaudible*

    Boss: “That’s fine, sir, you can have your lawyer contact us if you deem it necessary.”

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