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    Time To Break Out The Tin Foil Hats

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company]. My name is ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m being hunted by the FBI.”

    Me: “Sorry to hear about that…is there something I can help you with?”

    Customer: “The problem is, my cable TV is fine but no internet. The lights on the modem aren’t solid.”

    (As we go through all the normal steps, I hear the sounds of cars passing by and honking in the background.)

    Me: “Um, where are you?”

    Customer: “Oh, on the pole.”

    Me: “The…telephone pole?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’ve stripped the wire going to the house and stuck it directly in the modem. It still doesn’t work.”

    Me: “How are you powering your modem then?”

    Customer: “Oh, I have about 3-4 extension cords coming from my house. You know that it’s easier for the government to track what you watch on TV then what you do on the internet? I think I will cancel my cable TV.”

    Me: “Is that what you want to do? I can get a tech for you tomorrow morning if you want.”

    Customer: “Nah, just send me to billing.”

    Related: Tin Foil Hats (Wikipedia)

    Always Right, Even When Ripping Themselves Off

    | Albany, NY, USA |

    (The store I work has two deals: a buy three, get the cheapest item free promo, and a 40% off the most expensive item coupon. The customer comes up with three equally priced items and hands me the coupon.)

    Me: “Sorry sir, you can’t combine offers so you’ll only be able to use one promo–buy two, get one free or the 40% off. You’d save more if you use the buy two, get one free offer so you can keep the coupon for another time.”

    Customer: “Well, let me do two transactions then.”

    Me: “I could, but then you’d be spending more than you’d need to.”

    Customer: “Nooo…I’d get one free and one for 40% off!”

    Me: “No, that’s not how it works. See, if you buy these two, you’d get this third item free. So you’d only be paying for two items. However, if you split them up, the “buy two, get one free” offer is no longer valid because you need three items to get one free. So you’d pay for two items and then on your second transaction, you’d be paying for a third item.”

    Customer: “Yeah, but it’d be 40% off.”

    Me: “Yes, but if you did it in one transaction, you wouldn’t have to pay for a third item at all.”

    Customer: “Just let me do two transactions!”

    Me: “Okay, okay, sorry, I’ll ring you out now.”

    Related:
    Always Right, Even If It’s Child Labor
    Always Right, Especially When It’s Mom
    Always Right, Even When They Change Your God-Given Name
    Always Right, Even When Trafficking People
    Always Right, Even If It Requires Changing The Space-Time Continuum

    Tiny Pooch With A Super-Sized Grudge

    | Missouri, USA |

    (I’m taking orders and money in the drive-thru booth during a rush. A customer pulls up to the window.)

    Me: “Hi, your total is $6.54.”

    Customer: *glaring* “I’m mad at you!”

    Me: “Why?”

    Customer: “I went through **** earlier, and they didn’t have any french fries, so I had to come here!”

    Me: “I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “Yeah! And he’s mad at you too!”

    (She points to the back seat, which is completely empty.)

    Me: “Yeah, um, he…he looks pretty mad, I guess.”

    Customer: *snaps* “C’mere, Sparkie!”

    (A little poodle hops up into her lap.)

    Customer: “Tell her how mad you are!”

    (The customer then holds the dog up to the window to show me how mad it was.)

    Me: “Wow, um, alright.”

    (She pays and I give her the change.)

    Me: “Have a nice day!”

    Customer: *smiling* “You too, sweetie!” *glares* “…but I’m still mad at you!”

    It Turns Out You Can Be Too Safe

    | Eugene, OR, USA |

    Caller: *on the phone* “My father-in-law was hit by a car while riding his bike. I need to get some advice about what he should do.”

    Me: “Was he injured?”

    Caller: “Yeah. I mean, he’s conscious and stuff, but he’s bleeding and in pain.”

    Me: “When did this happen?”

    Caller: “About 5 minutes ago. Can we sue the guy?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, did you say this JUST happened? Have you called the police and ambulance?”

    Caller: “No, that’s why I called you. I need to know what to do.”

    Me: “Hang up and call 911!”

    Caller: “Really? So we should take him to the doctor even though he doesn’t have medical insurance? Who’s going to pay for it if he dies? I can’t be responsible for that!”

    (Sirens are heard in the background.)

    Caller: “Oh no, someone must have called, because a firetruck just pulled up…am I going to have to pay for this?”

    Me: “Sir, please deal with his injuries and make sure he’s taken to the hospital. You can call us back after he’s been treated if you need to and we’d be happy to explain how to get the bills paid – right now you need to worry about him.”

    Caller: “I ain’t doin’ anything ’til I know who’s gonna pay for this. I shouldn’t be stuck with this!”

    Me: “In all likelihood, the insurance company for the driver who hit him will pay his medical bills.”

    Caller: “I’m calling them then….” *aside in background* “Don’t go messing with him; I gotta find out who’s paying for this before you go taking him
    anywhere!” *hangs up*

    The Best Of Intentions, The Worst Of Retentions

    | Gainesville, FL, USA |

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hello ma’am, this is **** Bookstore. I’m calling to let you know the book you ordered has come in.”

    Customer: “What? You’re who?”

    Me: “This is **** Bookstore. You ordered a book from us and it’s here.”

    Customer: “I ordered a book?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “I don’t remember ordering anything.”

    Me: “The order sticker says you ordered it last week. The title is Improving Your Memory.”


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