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    Plight Of The Navigator

    , | Provo, UT, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [ISP] technical support. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “How do I get to gmail.com?”

    Me: “Type gmail.com into the navigation field of your web browser and hit enter.”

    Customer: “Huh. It says gmail: email from Google. The next one is Gmail – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Then, just a big list of things with ‘gmail’ in it.”

    Me: “Just a moment, sir. Where exactly did you type gmail.com?”

    Customer: “Into the box where the words go, near the top.”

    Me: “Is there another box with words in it even higher up? Maybe starting with http://. It’s probably followed by a www?”

    Customer: “Huh? What does that have to do with anything?”

    Me: “What does it say in that box?”

    Customer: “It says http://search.yahoo.com. Then, there’s a bunch of other stuff. Oh. Wait. What?”

    Me: “Well, what that is–”

    Customer: “Somebody needs to tell Gmail what Yahoo did to them!”

    Lindsay Lohan Is Bad For Your Health

    | NJ, USA |

    (A customer approaches the counter with a very thick accent.)

    Customer: “Do you have the herpes?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “Do you have the herpes? For the kids?”

    Me: “I… uh…”

    Customer: “You know? The herpes? Beep beep? Lindsay Lohan?”

    Me: “Oh! Yes! We have Herbie Fully Loaded with Lindsay Lohan. It’s rented out. Can I call you when it’s returned?”

    Customer: “You call me when you have the Herpes, yes!”

    (The movie is eventually returned. I call the customer to let him know. His wife answers.)

    Me: “Hi, this is . The movie you reserved was just returned.”

    Caller: “Oh! The Herpes! I send my husband. The kids so happy!”

    You’ve Got A Bad Doodad

    | Kansas City, MO, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [security company]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, my keypad keeps beeping! It won’t stop. Why is it doing that?!”

    Me: “It’s probably trying to tell you there’s something going on with the system. Press the status button for me.”

    (The caller pushes the button, and it announces the issue. Her front door has a low battery in it.)

    Me: “Well, ma’am. It appears that your front door has a low battery.”

    Caller: “But what does that mean?! I don’t understand!”

    Me: “It means that the battery in the sensor on your door needs a new battery in it.”

    Caller: “I don’t get it. I’m not that technically inclined! You need to explain things better!”

    (This goes on for several minutes. I explain what the sensor is, what the problem is, and describe the battery. The customer is continually saying she doesn’t understand what I’m talking about. Finally we reach an understanding.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you see the little thingy that’s stuck on your door? Inside is a little doo-dad that they sell at the store, and you need a new one. Open up the thingy and take out the doo-dad. Go to the store, give it to the clerk and he’ll get you a new doo-dad to put in the thingy.”

    Caller: “Oh! Why didn’t you just say so?”

    Kill Bill

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA |

    Customer: “Can I trade you for a better looking bill?”

    (The customer hands me a nearly destroyed $20 bill.)

    Me: “Sure!”

    (I hand him a cleaner bill.)

    Customer: “No, this isn’t what I want. Don’t you have any new ones?”

    Me: “We only order new bills at the end of the year. Do you want me to see if I have a newer looking one?”

    Customer: “Wait, you order the bills? I thought you printed them yourself in the back.”

    Me: “No. That’s actually illegal, ma’am.”

    Customer: “But my son does it all the time!”

    Complaining To A Fault

    | Chester, England, UK |

    Customer: “I want a refund on my sofa!”

    Me: “I’m terribly sorry. What seems to be the problem with the sofa?”

    Customer: “I’m not happy!”

    Me: “I’m sorry you’re not happy. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “Well, I’m not happy with it.”

    Me: “I see. Why exactly is that?”

    Customer: “There is a manufacturing fault.”

    Me: “What is the fault, sir?”

    Customer: “I’m not happy!”

    Me: “I understand that, sir. What is the fault with the sofa?”

    Customer: “Well, I’m not happy!”

    Me: “With all due respect, ‘I’m not happy’ is not a manufacturing fault.”

    Customer: “Of course it is. It’s manufactured to make me happy! This sofa is not fit for purpose!”

    Me: “Can you sit on the sofa?”

    Customer: “Of course I can!”

    Me: “Then it is fit for purpose, sir.”

    Customer: “But I am not happy! There must be a manufacturing fault to make me not happy with it!”

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