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    Sure, But It’ll Make You Yelp

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    Me: “Tech support, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “I have to pay this fee and I need to get to y’all’s website.”

    Me: “Sure, our address is [website URL].”

    Caller: “I don’t want your address. I want to know where to go on my computer.”

    Me: “Sir, that’s the address of our site. All you need to do is type it in your browser’s address bar.”

    Caller: “Oh, so do I stick that in my Google?”

    Brawn Over Brains

    | Virginia, USA |

    (One day at the fitness club I manage, I am called to the front desk of our gym to answer a question for a member.)

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [fitness club]. Can I help you?”

    Gym member: “Yes, I was wondering if you can teach me to do what they are doing?”

    (The customer gestures to our pool, which has been emptied due to a crack and has several repairmen on the floor trying to fix it.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Teach you to do what?”

    Gym member: “To walk on the bottom of the pool like that.”

    Me: “Sir, those gentlemen are repairmen. They are fixing a crack in the pool floor.”

    Gym member: “Oh, so you have to be a repairman to learn how to walk underwater like that?!”

    Home Of The Disclaimer

    | Detroit, MI, USA |

    Customer: “…and I’d like extra tomatoes on my sandwich, please.”

    Me: “All right, that’ll be [price].”

    Customer: “Why is it so expensive?!”

    Me: “Well ma’am, you asked for cheese, bacon, and extra tomatoes. All those cost extra on the sandwich because they’re expensive products.”

    Customer: “But your policy says that I can have it my way! Why am I being charged?!”

    Me: “You can have it your way…you just have to pay for it.”

    Thanks For Shopping At Quadruped, Inc.

    | Springfield, MO, USA |

    (I witnessed this interaction between a girl and her dad.)

    Dad: “Are you as picky about your toilet paper as your ex-step mom was?”

    Girl: “No, not really.”

    Dad: “OK, grab one of those then.”

    (The girl reaches for a pack that’s on its side.)

    Dad: “No, no, not that one. I want one that hasn’t been touched by human hands!”

    Girl: “Are you saying the store employees aren’t human?”

    Dad: “Well, you’ve seen them…you be the judge.”

    (I had to walk off so they wouldn’t hear me laughing.)

    Protection Against The Inevitable

    | Seaside Heights, NJ, USA |

    (A pregnant teenage girl walks in with her mom and boyfriend.)

    Customer: “Hi. Can I get my tongue pierced?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you are pregnant, right?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “We can’t pierce anybody that’s pregnant, I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Well, any slight infection in your tongue could hurt your unborn child.”

    Customer: “But that’s only if it gets infected, right?”


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