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    I Am The Robot, Goo Goo G’joob

    | Vallejo, CA, USA |

    (I work in the walrus exhibit at the park answering questions about the animals. One of our four walruses has metal caps on her teeth because she scrapes them on the ground constantly.)

    Guest: “Hey, I have a question about the walrus with the metal teeth.”

    Me: “Ah, yes. That is an interesting story! See, she–”

    Guest: “So, why is that walrus a robot?”

    Me: “Sorry, what? A robot?”

    Guest: “Yeah, that’s the only one with metal teeth. You can tell it is a robot. Why would you put a robot walrus in with the real ones? Or are they all robots?”

    Redefine Online

    | KY, USA |

    (I work in the warehouse for a large, online-only retailer. I am standing outside talking to friends at the bus stop. A man drives past, slowing down to talk to me.)

    Driver: “Hey, what’s this place here?”

    Me: “It’s a warehouse for [online retailer]. This is where we ship out orders and whatnot.”

    Driver: “So, I can go in there and pack up my own stuff to take home?”

    Me: “No, you order things online. We process it, pack it, and then send it to you.”

    Driver: “Wait. This isn’t a store?”

    Me: “No, sir. We’re online only.”

    Driver: “Well, then why do you have facilities? Doesn’t all that internet stuff come from the internet?”

    This Customer Has Trouble Written All Over Him

    | Baldwinsville, NY, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like to buy some syringes.”

    Me: “Can I see some ID?”

    Customer: “They’re not for me, they’re for my dad. He’s a diabetic and needs them for his insulin.”

    Me: “Okay. I still need to see some ID. Do you know his date of birth?”

    Customer: “I’ll never forget his date of birth. I had it tattooed on my arm the day he died.”

    (The customer proceeds to show everyone in the pharmacy the tattoo of his deceased father’s DOB–the same father that he is trying to buy syringes for.)

    The Formula For Laziness

    | HI, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi. I was wondering if you had [brand] formula?”

    Me: “If you hold on, I will go check.”

    (I go and check. I come back on the line a few minutes later.)

    Me: “Thank you for holding, ma’am. We have the formula. Would you like me to hold some for you?”

    Caller: “No, I’m in the parking lot. I just wanted to make sure you had it today before I came in.”

    Has No Problem Espresso-ing Herself, Part 2

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA |

    (I am a customer entering the store. I hear a loud scraping sound. I turn and notice a lady in a minivan trying to drive right over the median barrier in the road. She is trying to get into the drive-thru from the wrong direction. She gets stuck and keeps trying to drive through. I walk into the store to tell the cashier what is happening, but he stops us.)

    Cashier: “Sorry, miss. It’ll be a few minutes until we can take your order. It seems as if someone has tried to drive over the median.”

    Me: “It’s alright. I saw it happen. I was just about to tell you guys.”

    Cashier: “This happens a lot. I think it must be people who really need coffee.”

    (Just as she says that, the minivan drives up and parks. The lady rushes through the doors, and starts announcing loudly.)

    Lady: “I need coffee. NOW!”

    Has A Problem Espresso-ing Herself
    Has No Problem Espresso-ing Herself
    Espresso Yourself Can Cause A Latte Problems

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