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    The Perils Of Information Underload

    | Trondheim, Norway |

    (I’m a band host for a Norwegian band and am working at a music festival in Trondheim, Norway. An irate lady comes up to me.)

    Lady: “What the h*** is going on?”

    Me: “This is the Trondheim Rock Festival.”

    Lady: “But it’s in the middle of everything!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, it is.”

    Lady: “I have to go all around it to get to the other side of the city center!”

    Me: “Yes, yes, you do.”

    Lady: “But this is outrageous! How can you do this without telling people on beforehand?”

    Me: “Well, there’s been a lot of publicity on TV, posters on the walls, and in the newspapers. It also takes place the same time each year.”

    Lady: “Hmph! I think you should get something done about this. You can’t expect people to remember, look at posters, read newspapers or watch TV all the time!”

    Butthead, The Incontinence Years

    | Loveland, CO, USA |

    (I notice a customer is standing in front of a freezer. After remaining there for several minutes, I get concerned.)

    Me: “Sir, can I help you?”

    (At this point, I notice that he’s urinated in the freezer. The customer turns around, zips up his fly, and then pulls his shirt over his head.)

    Customer: “I AM CORNHOLIO! I NEED TP FOR ME BUNGHOLE!” *runs away*

    Coworker: “They don’t pay us enough for this.”

    Betsy Ross 2.0

    | Pleasant Hill, CA, USA | Top

    (A customer has been staring doubtfully at one of our wall maps of the United States. I witness him frowning speculatively and then counting each state slowly.)

    Me: “Sir, can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “It seems your map of the U.S. is out of date. There aren’t enough states.”

    Me: “Hmm. That’s odd. Let me see.”

    (I examine the map, but can find nothing amiss.)

    Me: “Nope, it looks perfect to me. Is there something I’m missing?”

    Customer: “Yeah, there’s only fifty states on this map.”

    Me: “That’s correct.”

    Customer: “But there are fifty-two states. Alaska and Hawaii were fifty-one and fifty-two. They’re on the map; I just can’t figure out which ones are missing…”

    Me: “…none of them are missing, sir. The United States has only fifty states. Look, we have flags too. For every state, there’s a star.”

    (He proceeds to count every star on the flag. In disgust, he puts the flag away.)

    Customer: “Your flags are out of date too! I’m telling you there are fifty-two states in the USA! You need to update your merchandise and learn about your country!” *storms out*

    Jingle H*lls

    | Minnesota, USA |

    (An older woman and her husband approach me during the Christmas season.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a baby Jesus for my nativity scene.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. We’re currently out of baby Jesus.”

    Customer: *to husband* “You hear that?! They’re all out of d*** baby Jesuses!”

    Haute Cuisine In A Value Meal

    | Manitoba, Canada |

    Me: *in the drive-thru* “Hello, welcome to ****. What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “Yes, hi, I was just wondering, what are your apple slices?”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I don’t understand the question. Are you asking for the price?”

    Customer: “No, I want to know what they are. On the menu it says ‘apple slices’. What are they?”

    Me: “They’re…slices of apple, sir.”

    Customer: “That’s it?”

    Me: “Yes sir.”

    Customer: “Oh. I thought maybe they were something fancier than that. Never mind.”

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