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    Not So Sharp

    | Waterford, Ireland |

    (I’m a tour guide at a crystal factory, and have just ended a speech about how crystal is made.)

    Tourist #1: “If I keep some liquor in my crystal decanter will I get lead poisoning?”

    Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am. It would take well over 100 years before any of the lead in the crystal would permeate into the liquid.”

    Tourist #2: “Hey, if I eat the crystal, will I die from lead poisoning?”

    Bad Reception, Worse Misperceptions

    | Rochester, NY, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: *thick accent* “I have problem with cell phone.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, I’m sure I can help you with that. It looks like we’re going to have to re-set your connection. I need you to type in the following series of numbers, followed by the pound key.”

    (I hear a distinct whacking sound in the background.)

    Me: “Sir? What are you doing?”

    Customer: “You say pound phone. I pound on table. Pieces fly off!”

    All Geared Up But Nowhere To Tow

    | Davenport, IA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [car dealership]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I have an issue with my car not starting.”

    Me: “Alright, do you need a tow truck?”

    Customer: “No, I got it started but I still want it looked at.”

    Me: “Alright, you can bring it right in.”

    Customer: “Will you turn the car off when I get it there?”

    Me: “Yes, we will need to turn it off to work on it.”

    Customer: “But what if it doesn’t start again?”

    Me: “Well, we will fix it.”

    Customer: “Well, just to be safe I want you to fix it without turning the car off.”

    Me: “We can’t do that. That would be unsafe for our technicians.”

    Customer: “I don‚Äôt give a d*** about your technicians. If you can’t work on the car the way I want, I will call someone else!”

    Me: “Well I‚Äôm sorry, we cant do that.”

    Customer: “Fine!” (Hangs up.)

    Coworker: “So how long do you think she is going to leave her car running?”

    The Forbidden Fruit

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Top

    (I’ve just finished putting a cherry on top of an older woman’s ice cream. It’s slowly starting to roll down the side.)

    Me: “Oh, watch it! You’re about to lose your cherry!”

    Customer: “Oh dearie, I lost that a long time ago.”

    As Normal As A Nude Nymph With No Nails

    | Oakville, ON, Canada |

    (Working near the fitting rooms, my coworker hears a customer ask for help from inside one of the stalls.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, I need some help.”

    Coworker: “Alright–”

    (My coworker turns around and notices the customer standing outside of the stall completely nude except for the bra she was trying on.)

    Customer: “How does this look on me? I’m not sure if this works for me.”

    Coworker: “Um…why did you happen to take off your clothes?”

    Customer: “Oh, because I feel more comfortable like this. So, what do you think?”

    Coworker: “It looks…good.”

    (My coworker looks down to avoid seeing the woman and notices stickers on the woman’s toes.)

    Coworker: “Why do you have stickers on your toes, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t have any toenails. I think the stickers make them look prettier, and I feel more normal when I take off my shoes.”

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